Warning: loss mentioned (not mine) - advice on how to comfort?

agm04 · July 2014

Guys I am just crushed and need some advice on how to be a good friend and supportive in the right way. My best friend in the world got her first ever BFP last Friday after a 2nd round of IVF and I swear I have never been happier. Her 2nd beta (Monday) showed great #s and she was set for another blood draw tomorrow. She miscarried last night.

Is anyone who has been through this willing to give some advice on how I can comfort her and help? I know there is nothing I can really do, but I'm at such a loss. So far I've just told her that I'm so sorry and life is unfair and I'll never understand it. I won't. And I told her I love her I'm here any time she wants to talk. But it feels like nothing. Is there something I can say or do?

Of course this is the least of my worries, but she doesn't know I'm pregnant yet. We weren't trying and I feel so wretched now. When and how can I tell her in the most sensitive and loving way possible? It's not about me, I just want her to be okay and I don't want to add to her sadness. In my heart I was afraid of this, but was trying to stay optimistic and had all the hope in the world that this would be their miracle. My husband and I have season football tickets with them starting next month, so I can't avoid it forever.

poopylove · July 2014

Hi. I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. Though you may feel utterly helpless, you have said and done exactly what a good friend would do, and I'm sure she appreciates it. There's not much you can do apart from being there for her, I think anyone who has had a loss appreciates when people acknowledge what has happened instead of awkwardly ignoring the issue.
As for telling her about your good news, I'm sure it won't diminish her joy for you. Although I would like to hear if others have any advice as I'm in a similar situation - one of my best friends gave birth to premature twin girls and sadly one of them passed away 1 week later. I also feel "guilty" about my good news and will have to announce soon. Sorry I couldn't be of more help. Don't beat yourself up over it and enjoy your pregnancy!

junebugjam · July 2014

I'm so sorry to hear what your friend is going through. It sounds to me like you've done the right thing so far. Just be there for her in whatever way she needs. Let her dictate the interaction between you for now, but if you don't hear from her for awhile, make sure she knows you're still thinking of her, even if it's just a quick text.

I have to disagree with the PP. Hearing about your pregnancy will probably be very difficult for her, especially right now. I know that after my loss, it was very hard for me to hear about other pregnancies, see pregnant women, etc. I wouldn't tell her quite yet while her pain is still so fresh. When you do tell her, I would recommend maybe a phone call, so she has time to process it, and if she needs to cry she can do so without feeling like she'll be hurting you. She WILL be happy for you, but if will take time.

agm04 · July 2014

Thank you both so much for the responses. I've heard people say that they felt ignored after a loss before (well I've read it online) and I want to make sure she doesn't feel that - I wanted to offer to drive down to see her if she wanted company (she lives 4 hours away), but I'm afraid of something awkward coming up (like if she wants to split a bottle of wine) that I'm not prepared to deal with. But it would be nice to be able to take them some meals or something - I just want them to feel loved and supported, not alone. It may be too soon for that anyway?

@junebugjam what do you think about waiting a couple of weeks and then writing her a letter telling her? I want to make sure she has the time and space to react in whatever way she needs to, not feel like she has to put on a happy face for me. Hell, it's hard for ME to feel happy for myself right now - I certainly don't expect her to be happy for me. Even a phone call seems like a lot of pressure to respond with joy to me. I would like to wait longer but feel like I'm working against a deadline since we will see them in a month. What do you think about that?

junebugjam · July 2014

@agm04‌ I think a letter is absolutely fine if you're more comfortable with that. You know her and your relationship, so you know what she would respond best to. I would advise waiting a couple weeks, but also make sure there's enough time between when she reads the letter and when she sees you for her to wrap her head around it, especially if you'll be visibly pregnant by then. It seems silly, but even something like that can be a trigger, so you want to make sure she has enough time to really prepare herself for seeing you. Like I said, she will be happy but it will still be hard.

brij2006 · July 2014

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. It is a very hard situation to be in for both of you at this point, but I feel that what you have said so far was perfect.

I would highly recommend you make the drive down there. If she's a good friend then she will appreciate it. One of the best things a close friend did for us after we lost our baby was they called right after our appointment and asked if we wanted to hang out. It didn't matter what we did or where we went, but it was the best thing ever. They lived over 2 hours away, but they didn't take our minds off of it. Not at all. If we wanted to talk about it, then we talked. If I wanted to hug her and cry, I did so. It is very true about the feeling alone part. I felt very alone through all of our losses, even though my H was right there with me through it all. We had one friend bring us a weeks worth of meals for 2 people and that was a savior for the nights I just wanted to dredge my way through the workday and lay on the couch and cry after I got home.

The least you can do is tell her you are there for her, send her random texts or phone calls to ask her how she's doing, and allow her to open up if she feels comfortable.

mrsherr22 · July 2014

I'm so sorry!! Has she been in to the Dr at all? I had severe bleeding 2 days after my transfer and went in and I had a ton of little lacerations from the needle probe that they use to extract all the eggs. Also do you know if they implanted 1 or 2 because maybe just 1 is still there. I guess I'm just having high hopes for your BF. You should not feel guilty at all for your pregnancy. I'm sure she is going to be thrilled for you guys but I would not expect a super happy remark from her right away. She is grieving and the IVF/infertility process is so brutal. My BF got pregnant last year and I was nothing but supportive but there were nights I would just cry and pray that my time would be soon. I strongly believe everything happens for a reason and hope her time comes soon.

agm04 · July 2014

Thank you all so much, this is really helpful advice.

I think I will try to stop by there briefly on Saturday just to drop off a few meals for the week, hug her and cry with her, and tell her I can be back anytime she needs me. Even if she doesn't want company, at least she will know she's not alone.

srcr2011 · July 2014

Thats awful. You did the right thing. Timing will be everything when you tell her you are pregnant. You may want to email her so she can have time to process it . Also, she will be grieving so expect her to pull away. Just be there for her. Don't ignore it, but give her time and space.

jennjilljo · July 2014

srcr2011 said:
Thats awful. You did the right thing. Timing will be everything when you tell her you are pregnant. You may want to email her so she can have time to process it . Also, she will be grieving so expect her to pull away. Just be there for her. Don't ignore it, but give her time and space.

I have been the girl to miscarry when a friend/family member got pregnant. This is excellent advice. Be there for her and when the time to announce comes tell her gently and don't be offended when she pulls away. It's hard to be happy and excited for someone else so close to a loss but, eventually, she will come around. It may take a very long time though, especially if she's been trying a long time. Good luck and T&Ps for you, your friend and her SO.

agm04 · July 2014

Thank you @srcr2011 and @jennwilhoite. I totally understand the need for her to pull away and process it and really have no expectations regarding her response to our 'announcement' - I just want to be gentle, like you said.

agm04 · July 2014

sweets0022 said:

I'm so sorry!! Has she been in to the Dr at all? I had severe bleeding 2 days after my transfer and went in and I had a ton of little lacerations from the needle probe that they use to extract all the eggs. Also do you know if they implanted 1 or 2 because maybe just 1 is still there. I guess I'm just having high hopes for your BF. You should not feel guilty at all for your pregnancy. I'm sure she is going to be thrilled for you guys but I would not expect a super happy remark from her right away. She is grieving and the IVF/infertility process is so brutal. My BF got pregnant last year and I was nothing but supportive but there were nights I would just cry and pray that my time would be soon. I strongly believe everything happens for a reason and hope her time comes soon.

I'm sorry, I didn't see this earlier. They implanted two, but she has been to the dr. and they confirmed the miscarriage. I didn't ask for details or anything but she said it's been confirmed.

Thank you for the kind words.

meganrosie · July 2014

Speaking from experience, I had a miscarriage and the day I sprung it on my bestie that I was pregnant, she told me she was as well. I then lost the pregnancy nearly right away. The most comforting thing to me as a Christian was knowing that one day when I get to heaven, that beautiful baby would be there and there was a reason why it didn't come to term and that was out of my own understanding. It was very hard for the first couple of months hearing about my best friends exciting moments and i found myself kind of bitter but snapped right out of it with excitement for her. In my case, i found out the day she found out what she was having that I was pregnant again. In our eyes, it is all in God's time and plan! I'm not sure if y'all are Christians or not but I know trusting in Him has always gotten me through the hard things I can never understand.

srcr2011 · August 2014

jennwilhoite said:

srcr2011 said:
Thats awful. You did the right thing. Timing will be everything when you tell her you are pregnant. You may want to email her so she can have time to process it . Also, she will be grieving so expect her to pull away. Just be there for her. Don't ignore it, but give her time and space.
I have been the girl to miscarry when a friend/family member got pregnant. This is excellent advice. Be there for her and when the time to announce comes tell her gently and don't be offended when she pulls away. It's hard to be happy and excited for someone else so close to a loss but, eventually, she will come around. It may take a very long time though, especially if she's been trying a long time. Good luck and T&Ps for you, your friend and her SO.

Big hugs! I too, have been that girl.

srcr2011 · August 2014

Another thing, for me, I went through all kinds of emotions. I felt sad, angry, jealous, hopeless and even shameful and less than.

Honestly, and this come from experience. Don't see her until you have told her and she has processed the news somewhat. It will always be a touchy subject, and she will never fully "get over it" and like I said, may pull away. But if you see her, hug her and cry with her and she finds out later that you were pregnant at that time, she may feel lied too. I know that's not you intention at all, but its a huge emotional rollercoaster after a MC.

One thing that some dear friends of ours did, was bring a card. They both wrote and singed it and brought over our favorite desserts. It was nothing huge but meant so much to us knowing they cared enough to do that. Out of 3 MC, besides parents, that small act of kindess was shown once and meant so much.

I had another person tell me about 6 months after, that she was sorry she never called and checked and for ignoring it all. She said it was akward for her and she didn't know what to say. My thoughts were 'you are suppossed to be a close friend, I'm sorry it was soooo hard for you' with an eyeroll.

Be honest and be there for her, GL!

agm04 · August 2014

srcr2011 said:

Another thing, for me, I went through all kinds of emotions. I felt sad, angry, jealous, hopeless and even shameful and less than. Honestly, and this come from experience. Don't see her until you have told her and she has processed the news somewhat. It will always be a touchy subject, and she will never fully "get over it" and like I said, may pull away. But if you see her, hug her and cry with her and she finds out later that you were pregnant at that time, she may feel lied too. I know that's not you intention at all, but its a huge emotional rollercoaster after a MC. One thing that some dear friends of ours did, was bring a card. They both wrote and singed it and brought over our favorite desserts. It was nothing huge but meant so much to us knowing they cared enough to do that. Out of 3 MC, besides parents, that small act of kindess was shown once and meant so much. I had another person tell me about 6 months after, that she was sorry she never called and checked and for ignoring it all. She said it was akward for her and she didn't know what to say. My thoughts were 'you are suppossed to be a close friend, I'm sorry it was soooo hard for you' with an eyeroll. Be honest and be there for her, GL!

I'm so sorry about your loss. Thank you for your input, it really does help. I completely understand someone having all of the feelings that you described - it makes sense to me.

What you said about hugging with her and crying with her and then later feeling lied to whens he finds out I was pregnant has been a big concern of mine. I so wish we had more time before we have to tell her, but it makes perfect sense that she needs time to process before we see each other and I want to respect that.

She let me know that they were probably going to get out of town this weekend and kind of want to just be alone to process right now - I get that. So I'm not going there this weekend, but I am going to keep checking on her. I'll send them a card and flowers for now.

As for telling her about our pregnancy, I've decided I'm going to wait 2.5 weeks (really as long as I can wait if I want to give a letter time to get there AND time for her to digest the info before we see each other), then write her a letter letting her know. I will tell her that I'm sorry I have to tell her so soon, and I wanted to wait but didn't want to spring it on her just before seeing her or lie to her. (There isn't a way to hide it without lying; our pre-football tailgates would be a dead giveaway. No one gets smashed but it would be very strange for me not to drink at all.) And that, as someone mentioned above, she is in complete control of any talk about my pregnancy, and I will not be offended in the least if we never talk about it. I also want to let her know that I understand any need she may have for space, any negative emotions she may feel, etc. I respect them all and still want to be there for her however I can.

I'm sorry for the novel. I'm just really worked up and want to handle it all the right way. I really can't tell you guys how much your input means, and helps.

jeanzcarol · August 2014

I'm so sorry for your friend. During my miscarriage the best thing a friend did for me was come over with a bag of snacks and frozen foods and sit with me while I watched some shit tv. She didn't ask questions, just sat there with me. She stayed the night. Told me she was there if I needed her and in the morning I woke up hungry for the first time in days. She cooked me breakfast, and for days later my husband and I snacked on the goodies she brought over. While it was hard to know about other people's baby joys it was actually also a nice reminder that healthy pregnancies happen too. There are some moments that are horrible post-miscarriage but in hindsight good friends and happy life changes got me through it. And, of course be respectful of your friend and wait until you're comfortable telling her, but I have to say for me (everyone is different) I hated feeling like people were treating me like I was some sort of incapable child. I didn't need to be protected. I just needed people to hug and shoulders to cry on. Best wishes with your own pregnancy, too.

agm04 · August 2014

jeanzcarol said:

I'm so sorry for your friend. During my miscarriage the best thing a friend did for me was come over with a bag of snacks and frozen foods and sit with me while I watched some shit tv. She didn't ask questions, just sat there with me. She stayed the night. Told me she was there if I needed her and in the morning I woke up hungry for the first time in days. She cooked me breakfast, and for days later my husband and I snacked on the goodies she brought over. While it was hard to know about other people's baby joys it was actually also a nice reminder that healthy pregnancies happen too. There are some moments that are horrible post-miscarriage but in hindsight good friends and happy life changes got me through it. And, of course be respectful of your friend and wait until you're comfortable telling her, but I have to say for me (everyone is different) I hated feeling like people were treating me like I was some sort of incapable child. I didn't need to be protected. I just needed people to hug and shoulders to cry on. Best wishes with your own pregnancy, too.

I'm sorry for your loss. Thank you for your input and sweet comments!

DronkeyGal · August 2014

You're very sweet to be so thoughtful to your friend. I felt alone and unsupported by a lot of my friends during my miscarriage, but I think it was mostly because they didn't know what to do. Things I appreciated were a card in the mail from an old friend letting me know she was thinking of me, my mom staying with me for two days while I stayed home from work, and going out drinking with friends with no mention of babies! Everyone is different in how they cope with a loss. As long as she knows you're thinking of her, it will be appreciated.

agm04 · August 2014

Thanks @DronkeyGal. I'm sorry about your loss.

agm04 · August 2014

krendel1990 said:

If it were me I would rather get a letter so I can go through the emotions of feeling sad, angry, and confused before finally being able to be happy for my friend.

thanks for the input!

lulu4087 · August 2014

Personally, I didn't want to talk about it or hear about people's pregnancys. I literally had an aversion and anger to random pregnant people I saw. It was me not them and my anger. So irrational. I personally would HATE when people said, things happen for a reason, there was something wrong, you'll get pregnant again, I know it or my coworker had 3 miscarriages but now she has a healthy baby. All of those were said to me and I still feel angry inside from those responses. I know people think they were trying to help with those but it just made it worse.
Jus saying sorry and bein there for them when they are ready. I went off the map but appreciated that my closest friends would text me every few weeks to check in (not too often but just enough), say hi and say they were there whenever I was ready. That was support. When I was ready, I reached out. Cards and emails/letters were really nice too.
Hope that helps.

agm04 · August 2014

lulu4087 said:

Personally, I didn't want to talk about it or hear about people's pregnancys. I literally had an aversion and anger to random pregnant people I saw. It was me not them and my anger. So irrational. I personally would HATE when people said, things happen for a reason, there was something wrong, you'll get pregnant again, I know it or my coworker had 3 miscarriages but now she has a healthy baby. All of those were said to me and I still feel angry inside from those responses. I know people think they were trying to help with those but it just made it worse. Jus saying sorry and bein there for them when they are ready. I went off the map but appreciated that my closest friends would text me every few weeks to check in (not too often but just enough), say hi and say they were there whenever I was ready. That was support. When I was ready, I reached out. Cards and emails/letters were really nice too. Hope that helps.

Thank you so much, and I'm so sorry about your loss. I haven't been through it but I am fairly sure I would want to punch anyone who said any of the 'things happen for a reason' kinds of things. I know people are just trying to say SOMETHING, but that just isn't it. Appreciate your help very much.

anxiousmommy85 · August 2014

You nailed it. I've done the child loss ride of horror three times in various forms and could not have recommended better advice. As for your pregnancy, go with your gut instinct. Be semsitive, but not deceitful. In that, after she's had some time to grieve, let her know separately, in private, and in person so she can process before being confronted with the public announcement social obligation.

jmszmidt · August 2014

So sorry for your friend...
With my first misscarriage I fell into a dark hole, it took my husband to say he wanted his wife back to finally get out. I think being there for her , let her cry on your shoulder is the best thing. She needs support right now.
As for telling her about you, sadly I would wait. I personally got very jealous and upset with pregnant people around me (although more towards people that didn't care for themselves or young ones that were prob oopsies)
But if you guys are that close do tell her before going totally public as that could hurt her too. It's a hard one
I still cry when talking about any of my misscarriages, it's hard to explain to anyone that hasn't had one but it's a very emotional thing and it sticks with you forever. Your a good friend for caring and just give her your love and support , she will make it through and have a beautiful healthy baby
I believe that
Oh and I'm not a god person or anything (not that it's a bad thing!!!!) but my aunt when I was having all my misscarriages told me about Kokopelli . Look him up... If you want. He is a fertility god, I even have him tattoo'd on my leg now. He helped me,my sister and a friend have beautiful healthy babies. Sometimes having Something like this to believe in helps.

agm04 · August 2014

Thank you @anxiousmommy85 and @jmszmidt. I'm sorry for both of your losses.

@jmszmidt I will definitely look into that! One question for you; given that I will have to see her in less than a month, and will need to come up with an excuse for not drinking at all, do you still think it's best to wait? I'm just so torn - I feel wrong lying to her, even about something like that. And @anxiousmommy85, "be sensitive, but not deceitful" is what feels right to me...it's just that I can't imagine there ever being enough time for her to grieve.

agm04 · August 2014

Another question for all of you - is sending flowers okay, or does it feel too celebratory?

KMommytobe · August 2014

I agree with what everyone has said, especially being one to experience a loss and seemingly ALL of our friends announce their pregnancies shortly after.

I think id personally rather a text, like others have said, to let her experience what she is feeling in private. Again, she will be happy for you, just sad for her. I personally didn't like getting flowers or cards. It was sweet of people to send but it was just a painful reminder each time I walked into the room and saw them.

agm04 · August 2014

KMommytobe said:

I agree with what everyone has said, especially being one to experience a loss and seemingly ALL of our friends announce their pregnancies shortly after. I think id personally rather a text, like others have said, to let her experience what she is feeling in private. Again, she will be happy for you, just sad for her. I personally didn't like getting flowers or cards. It was sweet of people to send but it was just a painful reminder each time I walked into the room and saw them.

I can understand that. Thank you for sharing. I'm so sorry about your loss.

bionic4me · August 2014

For me, the most important thing was knowing that people cared. You know your friend and your relationship with your friend. Follow your gut and do what you feel is best.... and do it out of love.

Even if you do something that hurts her unintentionally (my mom did that), I knew that she did it out of love and that helped ease the pain of her bad decisions. So, as long as you do it out of love... it will all work out in the big picture.

jmszmidt · August 2014

@agm04‌
Thank you, like I said its always hard. I have one beautiful 5yr old son but it took me 3 misscarriages to get there. But I never gave up! My husband wanted me to, I got emetional every time and by the 3rd I was more angry!!!
I'm on my 6th pregnancy this time around. I'm really open about my misscarriages and ok to talk about them, maybe it can help someone else get through there's.
You'll see her in a couple weeks?
I would say at that point it's ok to tell her. Maybe text her a day or so before hand. You know her best though. But before you see her I would let her know.
For flowers maybe not but a nice card is always nice and she can put it away if she can't really look at it right now.

agm04 · August 2014

bionic4me said:

For me, the most important thing was knowing that people cared. You know your friend and your relationship with your friend. Follow your gut and do what you feel is best.... and do it out of love.

Even if you do something that hurts her unintentionally (my mom did that), I knew that she did it out of love and that helped ease the pain of her bad decisions. So, as long as you do it out of love... it will all work out in the big picture.

Thank you. I'm sorry about your loss.

agm04 · August 2014

jmszmidt said:

@agm04‌ Thank you, like I said its always hard. I have one beautiful 5yr old son but it took me 3 misscarriages to get there. But I never gave up! My husband wanted me to, I got emetional every time and by the 3rd I was more angry!!! I'm on my 6th pregnancy this time around. I'm really open about my misscarriages and ok to talk about them, maybe it can help someone else get through there's. You'll see her in a couple weeks? I would say at that point it's ok to tell her. Maybe text her a day or so before hand. You know her best though. But before you see her I would let her know. For flowers maybe not but a nice card is always nice and she can put it away if she can't really look at it right now.

Thank you so much.

MaryS001 · August 2014

You asked if sending flowers is good-- everyone is different, but when my BF miscarried, she felt like she was living in a funeral home with all the flowers. Meals were good, and I also got her one of those eye mask gel things-- you can find them at target etc. you can put them in the fridge, and they cool puffy eyes after you've been crying. She said that was a really helpful thing. Cards are really special, too-- when you don't have a lot of tangible memories of the baby, things like cards help to grieve.

Hope this is a little helpful. T&P to your friend, and you, too.

agm04 · August 2014

MaryS001 said:

You asked if sending flowers is good-- everyone is different, but when my BF miscarried, she felt like she was living in a funeral home with all the flowers. Meals were good, and I also got her one of those eye mask gel things-- you can find them at target etc. you can put them in the fridge, and they cool puffy eyes after you've been crying. She said that was a really helpful thing. Cards are really special, too-- when you don't have a lot of tangible memories of the baby, things like cards help to grieve. Hope this is a little helpful. T&P to your friend, and you, too.

Thank you, this is helpful! I'm glad I asked about the flowers bc it definitely sounds like it's not the best idea.

Want a personalized experience?

Warning: loss mentioned (not mine) - advice on how to comfort?

Re: Warning: loss mentioned (not mine) - advice on how to comfort?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards