carseat comment gone awry

maggie515 · July 2014

Maybe I was in the wrong..

I kept seeing a family member's FB photos of her child in an inappropriately installed/used car seat. Over and over again. I tend to be on the nervous side when it comes to car seat safety, so after much deliberation I decided to PM her and mention that it looked like it may not be placed correctly. I read and edited and re read that thing to make sure that it was not offensive in anyway. I also added how much I care for her and the child and wanted nothing but safety for the family. after feeling like the point was made in the best way, I hit send. One month later I received a response from her saying that she didn't mean for her lack of response to come off bitchy she had just forgotten to write me back, and that the seat was indeed installed correctly. It felt odd - the way she worded it, but I was glad that she responded and I left it at that.

Then as I was talking to my sister later that week, she told me that this family member had voiced her disapproval for my reaching out to her over all this. I guess we can say that she was shit talking my efforts of good intentions. Then, to pour salt in my wound she told my sister of something that I had done previously that had offended her too. When my sister told me what she had said I was blindsided, I literally never did anything close to what I was being accused of. I didn't know what to say, and am honestly still confused by the comments, trying to figure out what she is talking about.

I. was. crushed.

I have always been nothing but nice to this person, maybe overly complimentary even. How could I have been so offensive to her that she brings it up years later, yet I never had any idea it was an issue for her?!

I left that conversation feeling completely defeated and doubting myself. I had mentioned a car seat correction to another friend and she was so grateful that I had told her, saying her kids were safer for it. When my son was a newborn my other cousin gave me a car seat correction that I didn't even know about and was so grateful for the information. I fully expected this to be the same. It takes a village to raise a child, right? we all have to help each other out, don't we?

I don't want to confront her and end up making things worse or get my sister involved for saying something to me. I refuse to start family drama.
I've tried to shrug it off, but it has just been eating away at me since I found out.
I just had to get it out there to the universe.
Was that wrong of me? I just keep thinking that I would want to know if the tables were turned.

momtosam · July 2014

Sadly a correction to anything dealing with our kids offends easily. I am a crazy car seat police type mom. But I have bit my tongue with family quite a bit. I leave advice for them instead of correcting them or subtly send links to information that will help them to be informed. I would just tell her you are sorry and that you did not mean to cross boundaries. I just noticed something and wanted to help, as I would hope someone would do the same for me if it was safety related for my child. You then could suggest some links that have the information you were trying to pass along.

I most certainly understand. I cringed to learn my brother and his wife turned their son forward facing at a year old. I know that is minimum law currently, but the recommendation is two. My son is 2.5 and we still RF him. I know I am doing what is best for my child. When people say he must hate it. I send a picture of my HAPPY child sitting RFing, NOT crammed or uncomfortable. I do not argue. I just state facts and tell people to research, get informed and make a decision from there. You can not force others to agree or change their way of thinking.

Unknown · July 2014

This content has been removed.

theseaword · July 2014

Don't feel crushed. You did the right thing, she got defensive. It's a shame, but no reason for you to feel badly. If you still want to be friends, then let it go but you'll just have to remember that she's the type of friend who can't handle the implication that she's doing anything wrong. And the type of friend who will talk about you behind your back. So proceed with caution.

ASmallWonder · July 2014

Ditto @aditigirl People don't take criticism well but it sounds like she already had issues with you, which is actually what would be bothering me more since you say her claims are untrue. If you honestly care about this person and want to try to mend a fence you didn't know was broken, I'd kindly confront her on it. Give her aditigirl's bit and mention the stuff she told your sister and how you don't recall it the same way, etc.

FTR, when I do correct someone's car seat usage I make it far less intense and blunt that I want to because lightheartedness can go a long way. It can backfire and make the issue seem less serious but you catch more flies with honey and all that. I also tell them that when my son was little (like you) a friend matter of factly told me that his chest clip needed to be on the chest and she reached over and slid it up. If you didn't share your story, you might consider it if there's a next time with someone. People are less offended when you're like "Hey I made a mistake once and wanted to pass along what I learned" than "UR doin it rong."

[Deleted User] · July 2014

The user and all related content has been deleted.

jorkz821 · July 2014

TyrannosaurusLex said:
What do you mean the car seat wasnt placed correctly?
Was more than 20% of the base hanging off the seat? Not ok.

Was it installed in an outboard seat rather than the middle? That is ok, an sometimes safer than the middle.

Also wondering this.

NotSharknado · July 2014

What was the offense years ago? I need to know what offended her.

She's probably a little more sensitive since you may or may not have offended her in the past.

Whether you're right about the seat or not, not everyone is open to being corrected. That's the risk you take.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

Honestly, how did you expect her to respond? Really be honest with yourself and ask how you would respond when someone pointed out "hey, you're doing it wrong!".

If you are going to point out parenting mistakes, be prepared to be told to stfu- even if you are right.

ASmallWonder · July 2014

MarlaSinger& said:

Honestly, how did you expect her to respond? Really be honest with yourself and ask how you would respond when someone pointed out "hey, you're doing it wrong!".

If you are going to point out parenting mistakes, be prepared to be told to stfu- even if you are right.

I get your sentiment but I think it's sad that we should expect that helpful advice will be met with STFU. Some people will react that way but I like to believe that not everyone will (and it's been proven to me that they don't all react that way). I recently shared an important tip with some new parents and they've mentioned more than once how much they appreciate it because they didn't know. The biggest disservice we can do to our kids is be so defensive that we refuse to learn anything.

theseaword · July 2014

Hey, I moved my couch after hilarity's design link told me I was doing it wrong. I am open to feedback!

[Deleted User] · July 2014

How many posts have their been similar to this? I am simply stating what happens the majority of the time.

You are putting yourself out there for this response. Is it the appropriate response, no? Is it more than likely what you will get? Yup.

ASmallWonder · July 2014

ScoutNumbers05 said:

I think you did the right thing, I think her reaction was sort of inevitable and I think she sounds super immature to be bitching to your sister instead of you (and roping other things into it just because she's mad).

Look, I'm the asshole who tells people at Target not to put the infant seat on the bars. It is rarely met with a "thank you, I didn't know!" I still do it because I think it's important and hey, maybe someone REALLY doesn't know and will appreciate the information. I take the defensive anger as a matter of course and go about my day.

I'm cool with being a buttinksy, but you have to do so with a thick skin.

You would have shit the other day. I was walking through the Target parking lot with my family and happened to glance toward a parked car and saw that they had an infant bucket FORWARD FACING. I seriously broke out in a sweat but my husband dragged me away before I could write a note and stick it on their windshield.

jorkz821 · July 2014

elmoali said:

ScoutNumbers05 said:

I think you did the right thing, I think her reaction was sort of inevitable and I think she sounds super immature to be bitching to your sister instead of you (and roping other things into it just because she's mad).

Look, I'm the asshole who tells people at Target not to put the infant seat on the bars. It is rarely met with a "thank you, I didn't know!" I still do it because I think it's important and hey, maybe someone REALLY doesn't know and will appreciate the information. I take the defensive anger as a matter of course and go about my day.

I'm cool with being a buttinksy, but you have to do so with a thick skin.

You would have shit the other day. I was walking through the Target parking lot with my family and happened to glance toward a parked car and saw that they had an infant bucket FORWARD FACING. I seriously broke out in a sweat but my husband dragged me away before I could write a note and stick it on their windshield.

... How would you even install that? You'd have to go way out of your way to get it installed ff, no?

ASmallWonder · July 2014

jorkz821 said:

ScoutNumbers05 said:

I think you did the right thing, I think her reaction was sort of inevitable and I think she sounds super immature to be bitching to your sister instead of you (and roping other things into it just because she's mad).

Look, I'm the asshole who tells people at Target not to put the infant seat on the bars. It is rarely met with a "thank you, I didn't know!" I still do it because I think it's important and hey, maybe someone REALLY doesn't know and will appreciate the information. I take the defensive anger as a matter of course and go about my day.

I'm cool with being a buttinksy, but you have to do so with a thick skin.

You would have shit the other day. I was walking through the Target parking lot with my family and happened to glance toward a parked car and saw that they had an infant bucket FORWARD FACING. I seriously broke out in a sweat but my husband dragged me away before I could write a note and stick it on their windshield.
... How would you even install that? You'd have to go way out of your way to get it installed ff, no?

I honestly don't even know how they managed it.

maggie515 · July 2014

Ok, so the car seat is a booster and the headrest was like below her sons shoulders and his head was sticking way up above it, so when I messaged her I said it looked like he may have grown too fast and it needed to be lifted to his head level. then I said, or maybe it was the angle of the camera, just so i wasn't coming off as accusatory or anything. Not a come to Jesus by any means. and it wasn't an extreme error either ( but still one that should be corrected.), so I didn't think she would blow up over it. I felt it was polite and light hearted-ish. (also I see him not using the shoulder strap correctly in all the photos but I left that out cause I felt that would be too preachy for me to comment on that too (silly me). I assumed that my comment could possibly provoke her to do some research on her own and find that shoulder straps need to be used different than what he was doing.
as for the past, she said "I asked her some really difficult questions regarding the health of her other child."
Her other child had some scary stuff going on during her pregnancy and she would post updates about it all the time, it was really heavy stuff. I would comment (like the rest of her fb friends) and give encouraging and uplifting responses to her updates. I sometimes asked questions in response to what she had posted, and so did others, and she responded to all of them the same. She never once told me that I was inappropriate, not did I feel like what ever I had possibly said was out of line. That is why I was so blindsided, cause I was responding to what she had posted on FB. If she didn't want people to ask her questions then don't you think she maybe shouldn't put it out there for FB to see?
She and I were close growing up but now we have both moved away so we don't see each other much. During the health scare of her baby, I cried with her and for her and when she ended up being 100% perfect I cried again, but for JOY. like a miracle had happened and I was so happy for her.
I am crushed because I felt like I am/was emotionally invested in her children and really love them. SO for me to say something wrong and never have known about it, then to have all this happen I feel.. framed or something, for doing something I didn't do?. I don't even know if that is how to explain the way I feel. but I guess that's the best way I can type out.
But you are all right. Not everyone is going to take it the same, no matter the sugar you pour on people will only taste the sour. I thought I had thick skin, but maybe not as thick for the people closer to my heart.

Want a personalized experience?

carseat comment gone awry

Re: carseat comment gone awry

Choose Another Board

Search Boards