AW - 1 Year (really really long)

When I was PG, I thought that I wanted to BF. I had no idea how hard it was going to be or how very determined I would be to make it work once my son was here.

DS was dx with a tongue tie in the hospital and had it snipped before we left. I was also told by a LC to use a shield because of my small nips. I have a few regrets about advice I have followed in regard to BF and this is one of them. I wish I had never started with the shield. But hindsight is 20/20.

At our follow up appointment with the LC, DS had lost 10% weight so they wanted me to supplement. They said I could supplement with formula or my own pumped BM. So we went home. We were new parents, overwhelmed, stressed and hadn’t slept very much, if at all.

We followed the directions of the LC with feeding and supplementing. We BF, pumped and finger fed the pumped milk. We watched the dirty diapers and documented everything.

My second regret is that I followed the advice to pump and supplement. My milk had only *just* come in and it is normal for babies to lose 10%. I should have just BF, BF, BF. Not BF, pump, supplement pumped BM. But again, I can only see the situation clearly now because I am not living it currently.

We went to our second follow up with the LC and DS had regained his birth weight. We were relieved. But I was also very concerned. DS would not BF any more. He wouldn’t latch. He had developed a significant flow preference for the finger feeding. He refused to BF. He would cry and cry at the breast. He would claw at me and shake his head.

I was heart broken.

The LC consultant gave us some advice as to how to get DS to BF again. I was so upset. I felt like it was LCs who had gotten us into this mess.

The next 5 days were some of the hardest of my life as I attempted to get DS to BF again. I would try to BF and then pump milk. Using a thin tube with syringe, I would squirt BM into DS’s mouth the moment he latched (if he latched), while he cried. We swaddled him while attempting to BF so he couldn’t claw and squirm as much. The crying and the refusal were very hard on me, especially with 45 minutes of sleep.

By about day 5 we had DS BF again. It was a relief.

DS was a fussy baby and he didn’t sleep much (or for very long). And we were still using the shield. He had always been around the 5% mark for his weight (6lbs 4oz at birth, down to 5lbs 10oz after birth).

At about 2 months or so he slipped a little off his growth chart. His weight gain was on the low end of normal. Looking back, I think it was because the shield caused some milk transfer issues, but it could have been entirely my problem (supply issue). I suppose I won’t ever know for sure.

So for the next three weeks, in addition to feeding DS every two hours during the day (and on demand at night – which was still about every two hours) I would pump for 30 minutes after each feed (yes, even the night ones). I would also feed the pumped milk (usually only 2 – 3 oz) to DS a couple times a day using a bottle and paced feeding. It worked! He gained a pound in two weeks.

Again I was excited and relieved.

From about 3 months to 4 months I was still home on maternity leave, so I fed on demand. Every night after I put him to bed (he was still getting up a lot at night) I would pump. I would get an ounce or two and I froze that in an attempt to get a stash together for going back to work. I eventually got about 100 ounces before I had to go back.

I went back to work when DS was 4 months old, which meant pumping.

The first week back to work, I could only pump about 8 ounces a day. DS was eating 16 – 18 ounces a day. I didn’t want to limit his milk because he was still around the 5% for weight. I was worried that my supply was going down. Apparently it is common to have a supply dip around 4 months and to have a supply dip when you go back to work.

It was so hard to juggle going back to work, daycare, still being up multiple times a night and pumping. I felt like I had tried everything to increase my supply (kellymom is a great resource).

I wondered (as I had done so many times on this journey) if this was the end of BF for us.

I decided to try Dom. And it worked.

I pumped my butt off to make those 18 ounces each day. I would pump 3 -4 times at work, a 5th time right after work. I would BF DS at night and pump a 6th time after. If I still didn’t get enough, I would pump again in the middle of the night either after I fed DS (if he woke me up, he was getting up about 2x per night at this point) or I would set an alarm. I did this from when DS was about 4 months old to about 7 months old.

I admit, it was a little crazy of me. I was determined.

When DS was about 7 months old, I decreased by pumping to 3 times at work, a 4th after and a 5th before I went to bed. I did this until he was about 10 months old.

DS is now almost 12 months old. I am now only pumping the 2 - 3 times at work. I am getting about 8 ounces a day and DS is eating about 12 ounces, so I am using up my stash. I only ever had about 130 ounces, I am down to 50 now. I have cut my Dom by about 2/3.

I am slowing down.

I don’t know what the future holds. I would *love* to be one of the “extended BFers” able to BF DS in the AM and PM until he is 2 or more and self-weans. I hope that’s in the cards for us but I don’t know. I do plan to slow down pumping to once a day, stop the Dom and then stop the pumping. I am not sure if DS will still be interested (or if I will have anything to offer).

Reading my story now as it is written, it doesn’t describe the feelings I had over the course of the journey. I spent a lot of days and nights sitting on the floor sobbing “I just want to BF my son”. It seems like there was a challenge at every turn. Sometimes I am not sure exactly how I did it. It is hard to persevere in the face of adversity with PP hormones and 45 minutes of sleep.

But here I sit. I am unsure of the future, but I think I need to let it go. What will be will be. Right now I need to just be proud that I got here.

So here I am! One year! I made it!!!

There were a lot of days I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to be able to say that. It feels so good to get to do a "1 year" post on this board.

Thank you all for the help and encouragement! I have been visiting this board daily (at least) for the last year. It's a great source or inspiration and support, knowing I am not alone in my struggles and joys of BF.