Scream or Cry?? (Long NBR)

geezlouise1210 · July 2014

First let me start by saying I am posting this thread anonymously because I have 2 very nosy SILs who lurk on the boards and then stir up some family gossip. I need some non-biased opinions. I “left” DH two months ago for an extended “visit” with my mother. This leave was prompted because although I couldn’t put my finger on it, something just didn’t feel right at home with DH.

DH comes to all of my prenatal appointments and we usually grab lunch before or after the appointment. One day I suggested that we grab lunch at one of the eateries in his office so I could finally get the chance to see his new office and meet his coworkers. DH said “There is no purpose for you to be there, it would just be awkward.” I immediately voiced my hurt and told him that his response made me very suspicious. That suspicious feeling never left so I decided to “visit” my mother with DS for a week or so.

After being in another state with my mom for a week DH would call and say he needs his family back and he misses us and he was very sorry. I still felt very uncomfortable. DH’s brother visited for a weekend while I was at my mother’s. DH would still call apologizing but during one conversation he asked me to hold on so he could send his brother a text message. He accidently sent me the text message and it said “What’s the room number again?” DH immediately hung up on me. When I called back he was crying hysterically saying that he was about to “lose his family.”

Once he calmed down his “story” was that his married brother was in town to entertain another woman for the weekend. DH told me that he agreed to show them around town and hang out with them. When he was on the phone with me, he was on his way to the hotel room to pick them up (maybe I should not have posted this anonymously for those nosy SILs). I immediately called DH’s brother and chastised him for being a horrible husband, and then I called MIL and told her how disgusting her sons were.

After all of this DH says he only wants to be honest from now on, so he did reveal that he did not want me in his office because he had been flirtatious with several women in the office. He told me that he has never exchanged phone numbers with this women or been in any one on one situations with them but there was inappropriate flirting. He also said that it would have been embarrassing for his visibly pregnant wife to come into the office after he had been flirting with these women.

I don’t know if I believe my husband. I don’t if I should tell my SIL about her disgusting husband. I don’t know if I should go back home. Since then my husband has been writing all kind of love letters and sending flowers, but I can’t bring myself to forgive him. Am I overreacting? Should I just get over it? I changed my ob to one that’s in my mother’s state and I’m not sure I’m willing to deliver this baby with DH in our home state. Thanks in Advance

Emerald27 · July 2014

Here are my thoughts:

1. Your BIL and his marriage are not your business. Don't call SIL and stop tattling to MIL. Take up your problems with BIL and hope that he does what's right, but that is really not your place (despite the behavior being so despicable). I'd also ask DH to withdraw any assistance with this mistress from BIL, because no one should support such a thing!

2. Seek counseling for yourself and DH. Do you love and trust your husband? Do you want a marriage based on trust? You two can have it and can get back on track, but it's SO helpful to have an unbiased guide and source of support and mediation while you get there.

3. Decide where you're comfortable having your baby and stay there. But remember that this is a very very important part of DH's life too. If all he did was flirt and was embarrassed, do you really want to have your child away from him? Everyone makes mistakes and everyone acts selfishly sometimes. If he's trying and he loves you and your LO, I would strongly consider having the baby with him.

...take each thing with a grain of salt because I don't know the whole situation.

golfingdarwinfish · July 2014

Nicb13 said:

What's happening with your BIL is none of your business so stay out of it.
Go home and talk to your husband.

Agree.

I would add that the two of you should seek counseling if you plan to stay in a committed relationship.

My BIL and I have a fantastic relationship, but I cannot for the life of me imagine calling him and telling him off because he was having an affair, especially immediately after hearing the news.

Were you close with your MIL before you told her that her sons are disgusting?

Also, you may have changed your screen name, but if your SILs are stalking you on here, you've provided enough details where they may still be able to identify you.

pinkshades05 · July 2014

I don't have much advice to give. Sorry you are having to deal with this. Personally, I would be hesitant to believe anything your husband says and if you do go back, it's on the condition of both of you going to counseling. This is not something you can overcome on your own.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

Honestly, and I'm sorry if this comes off harsh, but it sounds to me like your H is having an affair and trying to blame it on his brother.

I'd talk to him and go to counseling.

Sockgnome78 · July 2014

I have to agree with the PP and say that if you are commited to your H and want trust to be a major player. Go back to him and get some help for both you and him.

Also with the comment made by @golfingdarwinfish said about giving details and SIL. You out down enough bread cumbs that they would be able to figure it out pretty quickly.

It is better to try and work things out now with one child, then bring a baby and have a LO running around with the stresses of a broken relationship. Remember that this is your baby's father. No matter what you choose the father is going to be in life of that child forever.

MrsTinMKE · July 2014

apk4 said:

Honestly, and I'm sorry if this comes off harsh, but it sounds to me like your H is having an affair and trying to blame it on his brother.

I'd talk to him and go to counseling.

Sorry - My thoughts exactly apk4 - How do you know your H isn't trying to turn the focus off of him? anyways we don't know the whole story, but if you want to work it out I would seriously have that conversation. I think flirting is something a couple can work with. I also agree counseling would be smart. I agree with Emerald also, I would not be getting involved in BIL biz if that is what is really going on... he is a big boy, let him make his choices, but I would make sure H stays out of it. Having a baby is such a big deal, you should really think about how it could affect your relationship down the road if you work things out, and H missed the birth of his child... just things to consider.

geezlouise1210 · July 2014

Typically I don't believe in exposing affairs as I recognize it is a very touchy and personal subject among married couples. But this particular SIL constantly tells me how DH needs to look to BIL for advice on how to sustain a healthy marriage. The very immature part of me wants to tell her about her husband.

MagentaMouse · July 2014

ETA: Your comment right above mine wasn't up yet when I submitted this. That's horrible...I agree that such sensitive info can't come from a mean place.

The following is just based on what I know from your post...obvi.

1. I think I partially disagree with PPs. It became your business the second your scumbag BIL dragged your husband into it. Imagine if you were in your SIL's situation - wouldn't you want somebody to give you a heads up? I certainly wouldn't tell her that you're sure he's cheating, since you're not, but I would suggest to her that she take a good long look at his behavior. Who knows, maybe it is just a big fat lie. Why would your husband meet them at their hotel room instead of the lobby if they were planning to go sightseeing? Sounds a little fishy to me.

2. I think calling your MIL was unnecessary at best. You don't have all the information, and parents don't have complete control over their children's behavior, especially once they're grown and married. Maybe she did her best - I'm sure she'll feel guilty enough once everything comes to light. Also, it's probably prudent to keep your ILs on your side, just in case you need them for a custody battle or something. Of course I'm not saying that's gonna happen, but it's always better not to burn bridges.

3. Your first priority needs to be this baby - and I'm sure you're already operating under that rule. If I were in your shoes, I would probably try counseling for the sole purpose of keeping the lines of communication open so that I didn't have an uncivilized relationship with my baby's father. I would not return to him, though. I think that if someone's ethics are so questionable that they'd have office flirtations and possibly even meet other women at a hotel room, there's a small likelihood that it's going to change. Do you want to raise your child in a household that always has an air of suspicion? Children learn by example - I've seen a seemingly ethical man turn into a cheating bastard within months of his own father's indiscretions. Now, I know I just said that people don't change, but I think it's more that I don't believe that people change their ethics for the better. Once you've crossed that line, there's always that new threshold of acceptability. Not only that, but according to him, he's enabling his brother's behavior. Don't you think that's wildly inappropriate all by itself?

4. I know it's scary and hard and horribly sad to leave someone you love, but consider how you're going to feel in your marriage now. Can you get past this and trust him again? Are you sure he hasn't ever cheated and won't cheat in the future? I think emotional cheating (i.e., office flirtations) is just as bad as physical cheating. Trust your instincts.

geezlouise1210 · July 2014

apk4 said:
Honestly, and I'm sorry if this comes off harsh, but it sounds to me like your H is having an affair and trying to blame it on his brother.

I'd talk to him and go to counseling.

This!!! I can't shake this feeling, but I don't know if it's the pregnancy hormones.

golfingdarwinfish · July 2014

geezlouise1210 said:
Typically I don't believe in exposing affairs as I recognize it is a very touchy and personal subject among married couples. But this particular SIL constantly tells me how DH needs to look to BIL for advice on how to sustain a healthy marriage. The very immature part of me wants to tell her about her husband.

This post disgusts me. She deserves to learn this information from someone with compassion and empathy, not someone who is basically chuckling inside and taking joy in someone else's misfortune or agony.

geezlouise1210 · July 2014

MrsTinMKE said:

apk4 said:

Honestly, and I'm sorry if this comes off harsh, but it sounds to me like your H is having an affair and trying to blame it on his brother.

I'd talk to him and go to counseling.

Sorry - My thoughts exactly apk4 - How do you know your H isn't trying to turn the focus off of him? anyways we don't know the whole story, but if you want to work it out I would seriously have that conversation. I think flirting is something a couple can work with. I also agree counseling would be smart. I agree with Emerald also, I would not be getting involved in BIL biz if that is what is really going on... he is a big boy, let him make his choices, but I would make sure H stays out of it. Having a baby is such a big deal, you should really think about how it could affect your relationship down the road if you work things out, and H missed the birth of his child... just things to consider.

My husband's saving grace right now is that his brother's visit was planned about 2 months before I decided to leave. Me leaving was unplanned. When BIL said he would be getting a hotel room instead of staying in our home I thought that was odd. BIL also cancelled the visit when MIL decided she wanted to come visit with him as well. When MIL decided that she couldn't make the trip BIL decided he was willing to visit again. I told my husband then that I thought his brother was having an affair.

pnwlover12 · July 2014

I call bullshit on your husband. How convenient that his brother is cheating when at the same time he shows signs of having an affair.

I also think if you want your marriage to work, you need to go home and try to figure it out.

geezlouise1210 · July 2014

golfingdarwinfish said:

geezlouise1210 said:
Typically I don't believe in exposing affairs as I recognize it is a very touchy and personal subject among married couples. But this particular SIL constantly tells me how DH needs to look to BIL for advice on how to sustain a healthy marriage. The very immature part of me wants to tell her about her husband.
This post disgusts me. She deserves to learn this information from someone with compassion and empathy, not someone who is basically chuckling inside and taking joy in someone else's misfortune or agony.

I've known her for 20 years and we've never liked each other. If she were a friend it would be different, but realistically she would not accept this information very well. At least not from me.

golfingdarwinfish · July 2014

pnwlover12 said:
I call bullshit on your husband. How convenient that his brother is cheating when at the same time he shows signs of having an affair.

I also think if you want your marriage to work, you need to go home and try to figure it out.

Maybe him and brother are going out with women together? A nice double date with their mistresses, which would make the "my marriage is over" or whatever quote a comment made out of guilt.

I also don't think another couple's dirty laundry belongs here. If it is true, I hope SIL finds out some other way. If it's not true and she finds this, I hope she is able to get to the truth without too much strife

AmandaJean12 · July 2014

I feel like you want permission to either blab to SIL or leave DH, or I'm not sure. But the truth is, no online board can give you that.

If you believe it's just flirting, and you want to get past it, I agree with PPs that seeing a counselor is probably your best course of action. But leave other people's marriages out of it - especially if you don't have firsthand knowledge of what's going on. If DH does, and he wants to say something, fine.

cshade07 · July 2014

Counseling can do amazing things for a marriage. I'm all about giving people a fighting chance before completely dismissing them. Even if your husband and yourself saw separate counselors at first, and then began seeing a marriage counselor together - it can be extremely beneficial. I've seen horrible relationships turn to gold after the couples decided to give it a fighting chance. With that being said - I just feel like a counselor can give you the help/advice you are seeking better than any of us can.

I am sorry you have to deal with the stress of this!

Justabean3 · July 2014

So no point in exposing your BIL because it sounds like your husband was/is having the affair

I don't mean to be cruel but your story is full of arrows pointing to him and not the BIL. Just the fact he doesn't want you at the office with other questionable occurrences indicates he is having the affair with a coworker. I'd go out of town and set him up or hire a PI so you know for sure

MuffinMom14 · July 2014

Yeah, I'm with the others who feel like your husband just threw your BIL under the bus to distract you. Why would he say "my marriage is over" or "I'm losing my family" or whatnot just because his brother is cheating on HIS wife? Who cares?

But, even IF that's true, and your husband hasn't cheated, and it is about the BIL...he was still embarrassed to have you in his office. I can't imagine my husband being ashamed of me being visably pregnant, because he was flirting with other women. I don't think flirting is the same as cheating, but I also don't know if I could just get over it with or without counseling.

I'm really sorry you are going through this. I don't mean to be so negative, but you shouldn't be treated this way. No one should.

Cutiecruz327 · August 2014

Emerald27 said:
Here are my thoughts:

1. Your BIL and his marriage are not your business. Don't call SIL and stop tattling to MIL. Take up your problems with BIL and hope that he does what's right, but that is really not your place (despite the behavior being so despicable). I'd also ask DH to withdraw any assistance with this mistress from BIL, because no one should support such a thing!

2. Seek counseling for yourself and DH. Do you love and trust your husband? Do you want a marriage based on trust? You two can have it and can get back on track, but it's SO helpful to have an unbiased guide and source of support and mediation while you get there.

3. Decide where you're comfortable having your baby and stay there. But remember that this is a very very important part of DH's life too. If all he did was flirt and was embarrassed, do you really want to have your child away from him? Everyone makes mistakes and everyone acts selfishly sometimes. If he's trying and he loves you and your LO, I would strongly consider having the baby with him.

...take each thing with a grain of salt because I don't know the whole situation.

This! Well said Emerald27! I totally agree!

MsMacual · August 2014

Hugs! I think you know in your heart what you want to do and just need to find the courage to take those steps. I wish you the best as you decide if you want to fight for your marriage or move on and figure out how to coparent.

megaddie · August 2014

I would have a hard time getting over this and I would be suspicious as well. And I understand the petty side's impulse, but I wouldn't act out on it. Everyone enjoys a bit if schadenfreude sometimes, but acting on this one would just be mean, and likely cause more drama and stress for you. I agree that counseling might be the only way to get past your distrust.

imagine7696030614 · August 2014

I agree with others. It sounds like your dh just maybe panicked when he realized he sent that text to you and 'thought quickly' and said he was sending the text to his brother? Are you positive that text wasn't intended for a mistress? It's also suspicious that he was so dramatic going on about the fact that he's going to lose his family, etc. Why? Sounds like a guilty conscience. I'd definitely look into therapy and insist on total transparency which would include allowing you to look at all his text messages. I'm really sorry you're going through this and hope things work out!

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