Queer Parents, Catholic Preschool—Help?

FloweredBride · July 2014

Hi there,

First post here; I could really use advice from other queer parents. My daughter is starting preschool in the fall, and we enrolled her at a local school. We later found out some really negative stuff about this school, negative enough that we felt we had to put her somewhere else. The only place left with a spot was our local Catholic school.

We're a lesbian couple, and my wife is a transgender woman. She's early in her transition and not passing. We live in an incredibly liberal area and this is a great school, but I am so nervous that when the administration finds out what our situation is that they will expel our daughter. Even if we wanted to be ridiculously unethical and just lie—i.e. say my wife is a man (her legal name change is still pending) and have her dress ambiguously when she goes to the school—it would be pointless anyway, because my daughter will undoubtedly tell her teachers that her Mammy used to be a boy but now she's a girl. (If anyone EVER misgenders my wife, our daughter screams "SHE'S NOT A BOY SHE'S MAMMY NOW!)

Have any of you navigated a religious school as queer parents? Or even just navigated a close-minded school in general? How have you made sure your kids have a stable learning environment while still being honest about what your family looks like?

Thanks in advance!

2brides · July 2014

Our kids went to a non-demonenatial school PK-2nd. We were the first same-sex family and we had a huge heart to heart with the principal before enrolling them. It really opened her eyes to our concerns and helped us feel at ease with our decision. We made a very conscious decision not to look at denominational schools. While we, as parents, could deal with snide comments, I was not willing to put the kids in a position to defend us against the teachings of the school. And it isn't just the school and their teachings, but also the parents of the other kids in the school who might be teaching the kids things you don't believe it/are hurtful. But perhaps, given that you are in a liberal area, this Catholic church/school isn't ultra religious and your family would be welcomed and appreciated.

I'd start by talking to the principal and see what s/he says. I'd try to talk with other parents. You might even want to ask if they have other similar families - I did this for our school and talked to a lot of prospective same sex families about our experience.

Good luck!

1blueridgemama · July 2014

I agree about being fully forthcoming from the get go. I'd want to know exactly where the program stands in terms of genuine acceptance to determine if it was the right place for us, rather than have to backtrack later if/when you find out it isn't. We actually moved to our city because of the school our children attend. It's a charter school and full of diverse families in a very welcoming atmosphere. Nobody or no policy has ever made us feel less welcome than any other family there. I wish you the best of luck in finding the right situation, whether it is this school or your research requires more work finding alternatives.

CageyMack · July 2014

I agree with being open and taking the burden on your own shoulders, not asking your child to be the one to "out" your family.

I also think that if you come to them with your situation and present it in a rational, even-handed way, it puts the burden on THEM to react. And they may well surprise you. Just because there is an "official" stance does not mean that an individual may hold the same beliefs.

Give them a chance to surprise you. If they don't, well, deal with that.

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Queer Parents, Catholic Preschool—Help?

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