So heartbroken.

mjcbwlbaby · July 2014

It's finally official. H and I are out of the running for our BFP this month and we won't get to try again until at least February when he comes back home. I had a lot riding on this cycle considering it was the last one before he left. Everything was in my favor. We timed everything very well. The doctor said all my tests came back normal. So what the hell?
H tried giving his SA and that didn't work out. He can't perform under pressure. He was so nonchalant about it too, which I think is what irritated me the most. Like he didn't even care. I was really counting on those results, especially finding out that everything was fine with me apparently. So we are at a dead end with finding out if it's H. I'm not sure how we will ever find out if it's him or not as long as he has performance anxiety.
I'm going to make one last appt with my OB and have her tell me about my tests. I just want her to explain the results to me, other than saying "yeah they're all good" like that gyn said.
TTC has literally become my life. I've let it consume me. Just take a look at my browsing history on my phone and my computer. That's all I'm ever doing is stalking TTC forums. I feel so angry. I really thought that it would happen before DH left. He would be home in time over 2 months before the birth. It would be perfect. I know I can look forward to him being home for the whole pregnancy if we finally do get pregnant when he gets back but it still hurts. Right now, I just want to forget about TTC. I guess it's good that we are taking such a long, unwelcomed break. I don't know where to go from here. I hadn't planned things this far. I need a new goal.
I don't post much, but when I do you ladies are always here for me. Thanks so much

AnnaClaire256 · July 2014

I'm so sorry, sweetie. Big huge HUGS!
I can't imagine what you're feeling. I hope you are able to find something to occupy your time and thoughts while he's gone.

IF is just sooo consuming. Hopefully this break gives you time to start feeling human again.

mjcbwlbaby · July 2014

Thank you guys

It just sucks. The longer it takes to get my BFP, the further away it seems from ever happening. At first I was excited to be trying, and getting pregnant seemed like no big deal. But now, it has become everything. Like winning the million dollar lottery, and only some people are lucky enough to win and I'm not one of them. (Seriously, when I think about pregnancy, I never can picture myself being pregnant one day)

emmuffy · July 2014

So sorry for this disappointing news. Hugs

mjcbwlbaby · July 2014

Yeah once he gets back we will be on our way to 2 years

it never gets easier does it? I'm trying to take this time to get myself in order, and lose some weight. While I know being over weight isn't good for fertility (or in general) it hasn't seemed to affect me much cycle wise. I have normal cycles and since I started temping I have ovulated. And my tests came back normal.
Plus if I lose weight I can look sexy for H for his homecoming

mjcbwlbaby · July 2014

Thanks guys!! And rumbera, extraction??? Ouch! I think I would have a tough time getting DH to agree on that lmao. I did hear about the special condoms. I might order some cuz our tiny hospital doesn't have any of those

AnnaClaire256 · July 2014

I know how you feel. I have said this before...it feels like I'm approaching all of this with hope...but, at the end of the day, I don't really believe I'll ever get pregnant. That may sound silly since I'm putting myself through all the invasive, expensive treatments...but I just don't think it will ever happen for me.

It's probably a defense mechanism...if I really didn't believe, I guess I wouldn't be here.

LindseyM2012 · July 2014

mjcbwlbaby said:

Thank you guys It just sucks. The longer it takes to get my BFP, the further away it seems from ever happening. At first I was excited to be trying, and getting pregnant seemed like no big deal. But now, it has become everything. Like winning the million dollar lottery, and only some people are lucky enough to win and I'm not one of them. (Seriously, when I think about pregnancy, I never can picture myself being pregnant one day)

I have had these feelings too, and I'm so sorry you are thinking these things as well. I compare this IF crap "journey" to the grieving process. You are grieving the fact that TTC will not be on your terms and the way you always imagined it (and the way it is for those not dealing with IF). That being said, I think the 5 stages of loss & grief apply (yes, I'm bringing out the psychology...my apologies): 1. Denial & Isolation; 2. Anger; 3. Bargaining; 4. Depression; and 5. Acceptance. I think it is natural and healthy to experience these, which you seem to right now. That is ok, normal and expected!! And these stages are not linear. One day you can be angry, the next depressed, the next accepting, the next in denial. I think that is why so many ladies here have described IF as a rollercoaster.

I am so sorry things aren't the way you hoped or planned. My thoughts are with you and I hope you can hang on to your hope for future cycles when DH gets back.

Feel free to PM me if you want!!! **Hugs**

catlover790 · July 2014

I'm so sorry about the bfn and break. I hope that you can use this time to try to meet some other goals you have for yourself! I too find that TTC is consuming everything and it's so hard not to think about. Good luck with everything.

mjcbwlbaby · July 2014

@AnnaClaire256‌ that's so true. I know I want a little one, and I guess I do believe it will happen or I wouldn't be still trying. Good point. I promised myself that when I finally do have my baby, I will tell him every day how much he was wanted and how much I love him.

@Rumbera28‌ oh god. That's how I figured they did it and that sounds terrible! Lol. What? Like a needle through the nutty buddies? Glad I'm not a guy lol

@rainbowbridge14‌ yeah I'm just going to work on a healthier me right now. That's all I can seem to actually control at the moment! Lol

mjcbwlbaby · July 2014

@LindseyM2012‌ thanks girl. I feel like I'm in the acceptance stage now, but who know what stage I'll be in tonight, or tomorrow lol. I'm gonna sit H down tonight and talk to him about this and ask him what he wants to do about it.

@catlover790‌ thanks so much. I really appreciate all the love and acceptance. I just might stick around during my break

mjcbwlbaby · July 2014

iPutKetchupOnKetchup said:
I am sorry for the BFN and the forced break. I'm not sure why or where YH is going. Is he military? Is he going overseas or somewhere in the states?

Yeah he's military. He's going overseas unfortunately. I plan on trying to catch a flight to go see him for New Years. But I'm not holding my breath cuz it's a long way!

mjcbwlbaby · July 2014

Buttmonkey34 said:
Sorry for the forced break, I'm sure it's tough to be a military wife, so much respect for that.

It is tough, but it becomes worth it when he comes home

mjcbwlbaby · July 2014

Rumbera28 said:

mjcbwlbaby said:

@Rumbera28‌ oh god. That's how I figured they did it and that sounds terrible! Lol. What? Like a needle through the nutty buddies? Glad I'm not a guy lol

Ehm, no needles. They use a rectal probe to stimulate the prostate!! This is done for men who are paralyzed, have severe ED, etc. Yikes!

------ phone quotes-------------

No freaking way........ No way. Oh my god. Why haven't I heard of that before? Oh god. So they just ejaculate all over the place with some prostate stim or??

Edit to say: lmao now I have to tell H. That will make him get on the ball with the cup

Tiko99 · July 2014

I'm so sorry OP. Sending you tons of internet ((((HUGS)))).

mjcbwlbaby · July 2014

Thanks you guys!!! Honestly, you are all the reason why i feel so great right now

you're awesome!!!

mjcbwlbaby · July 2014

Fightersince83 said:
I'm sorry for the forced break. I'm hoping that you find something else that gives you joy during your break. You mentioned some weight loss goals, that might be the perfect distraction. TTC does seem to take over our lives and it becomes all consuming. It's nice to remember some of the things you enjoyed, you know, when we actually had better quality of life standards for ourselves. ((Hugs))

You're so right. My identity lately has been TTC. There's so much more to me than TTC. I feel terrible saying that, like it's not important to me. Which it is, it's one of the most important things to me. But it's consumed my whole personality. I've changed and I don't like it. I'm a photographer and a nanny so I'll stick with that. Starting my diet (already lost 5+ lbs without duetting) and finding new hobbies and doing crafts. I'll be alright.

BunnyBerry · July 2014

I'm so sorry. That sounds really frustrating.

I hope he has a safe and peaceful time overseas and that the forced break ends up bringing you some peace and relief.

Our RE offers the option of a special sterile collection condom so the sample can be produced during intercourse. It's not ideal but it can be used, even for IUI or IVF as needed.

My guess is that he's not as nonchalant as he's acting - it's got to be tough for a man to feel like he's being judged and the results might not be stellar.

mjcbwlbaby · July 2014

BunnyBerry said:
I'm so sorry. That sounds really frustrating.

I hope he has a safe and peaceful time overseas and that the forced break ends up bringing you some peace and relief.

Our RE offers the option of a special sterile collection condom so the sample can be produced during intercourse. It's not ideal but it can be used, even for IUI or IVF as needed.

My guess is that he's not as nonchalant as he's acting - it's got to be tough for a man to feel like he's being judged and the results might not be stellar.

Yeah you're right. I feel bad for him because I feel like society would kick him in the butt for being "less of a man" or something if the issue lies with him. I get so irked when he just doesn't even act like he cares. But honestly, that's how he is. And when I talked to him today about being worried about our situation he said he doesn't get worried. I don't know how to take that. my husband is the kind of guy who would be okay if we couldn't have children, whereas I would be a wreck. I think once we try for maybe a little longer or get more of a definite diagnosis if there is one then he might start to see that it could be or is serious. But I'm glad at least one of us is calm during this! Lol

MrKetchup · July 2014

This is stressful stuff, and I don't know about your husband, but for me, I don't show emotion the way Ketchup does (I also can't believe that I referred to her as Ketchup, the things we do for our wives...) but I promise it is stressful on him as well.

A break could be something that works for the best, it is tough that it is such a long break, but a chance for both of you to take your mind off of it and refresh could really be something that works wonders for you.

Praying for you guys, and for your husband as he is overseas for the time being, it is appreciated the sacrifices the entire military family makes. Also, let him know about the alternative options for extraction, that would be enough to calm any performance anxiety that I would be having.

mjcbwlbaby · July 2014

iPutKetchupOnKetchup said:
O.O

LMAO!!!!

Thanks so much @MrKetchup‌! It's nice hearing it from a guys perspective! I did tell him about the butt probing and he said if it came down to that, he just wouldn't do it. Well darn lol. I might just have to do it in his sleep... (The sample, not the butt probing. You couldn't pay me). I'm actually completely thrilled that you commented on my thread

lol.

Don't worry @iPutKetchupOnKetchup‌, he seems awesome

thirtyninetoforty · July 2014

I'm so sorry to hear this month didn't work out and now your benched until next year - that totally sucks! ((HUGS))

mjcbwlbaby · July 2014

thirtyninetoforty said:
I'm so sorry to hear this month didn't work out and now your benched until next year - that totally sucks! ((HUGS))

It really does suck!!! But next year is our year. I feel it!

thirtyninetoforty · July 2014

mjcbwlbaby said:

I'm so sorry to hear this month didn't work out and now your benched until next year - that totally sucks! ((HUGS))
It really does suck!!! But next year is our year. I feel it!

YES, next year will be your year and by this time next year, you WILL be pregnant!!!
:o3

mjcbwlbaby · July 2014

@iPutKetchupOnKetchup‌ please don't say what...

mjcbwlbaby · July 2014

iPutKetchupOnKetchup said:
Anything to give you false hope. Especially because you are getting ready to deal with a deployment.

Telling you that "next year will be your year" is fucked up, especially when saying that to someone who is forced into being away from their husband for a bare minimum of 6 months. I've given all the advice I can through PMs, but please do not forget that I am here.. even after he leaves. Seriously, please don't.

I understand. I guess mostly I just assume that it has to happen next year. Like we have 10-11 months to get pregnant next year. It's like I can't make myself that it could take any longer to get pregnant

cautiouslydomestic · July 2014

I'm SO sorry for the disappointing news.

mjcbwlbaby · July 2014

cautiouslydomestic said:
I'm SO sorry for the disappointing news.

Thank you for the support!! I'm feeling a lot better than I was this morning!

mjcbwlbaby · July 2014

TrinityRebirth said:
So sorry, love! The only thing I can offer is this: the time will pass before you know it. DH was roofing all over the US while we were dating. I was a teacher, soi couldn't just go visit whenever I wanted :-\ Keep us updated on your journey!

Thank you!! I will keep everyone updated

DharmaChick · July 2014

I am so sorry for the BFN and the break from TTC. I hope that you can use this time to focus on other goals and try to enjoy being out of the draining day-to-day IF stuff.

brazenbiblio · July 2014

I'm sorry about your BFN and the break. My DH was hesitant to get the SA done as well. I found it easier when I backed off a little and gave him some space. Once I get my mind set on something I can be kind of a bitch about it be very insistent. Eventually he got it together. Good luck!

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