HELP! DH jumped on the fence!!!!

hopefulmom81 · July 2014

Oh dear.

We went on a short trip with SIL and her 2 kids Thurs-Sat. I would say that DH does about 75% of the watching of DD when we are all together, and he watched her with her cousins, shrieking and laughing and when we were in the car coming home, he was weirdly quiet.

I asked him what was wrong, and he said, "Are we making a bad choice FOR her? I know we can't guarantee they would be best friends, but we are good parents and she would at least have SOMEONE in her corner forever. A sibling is different than a friend".

I think he also saw his sister having a blast with all of us (she has kind of a rough marriage), and acknowledged that having a stable sibling (again, knowing this isn't guaranteed, but IF it were to be a situation where they at least get along) is a different relationship than a friend.

Um, WTF? He was the one who was more staunchly OAD than even I was.

I don't think he is saying, "Let's have a baby right now", but I think it just made him think a bit more broadly than he had before. We DEFINITELY could not afford $2400 a month in daycare (what it would be for 2 where we would send them), so it is off the table until DD is 5, which, at that point, I wonder if you lose some of the benefits he is foreseeing.

This is a big ramble, and doesn't really have a point or a question. I just needed to tell SOMEONE, and you all are my someones

ETA: I do kind of see his point.

Helenahhandbasket · July 2014

I think it's pretty normal to question all of your decisions-- not just child rearing ones, so this doesn't surprise me. I totally get why people want more than one.

As for the age gap thing- yes, I do think that as children, a closer age gap can correlate with a stronger bond, but as adults, it won't matter in the least. And when you are an adult is when you tend to look for someone to lean on. So I guess what I am trying to say is that if the only thing holding you back from having another is a possibly 5 year age gap, IMO that's not a good reason.

hopefulmom81 · July 2014

Helenahhandbasket said:

I think it's pretty normal to question all of your decisions-- not just child rearing ones, so this doesn't surprise me. I totally get why people want more than one.

As for the age gap thing- yes, I do think that as children, a closer age gap can correlate with a stronger bond, but as adults, it won't matter in the least. And when you are an adult is when you tend to look for someone to lean on. So I guess what I am trying to say is that if the only thing holding you back from having another is a possibly 5 year age gap, IMO that's not a good reason.

Um...this is where you are supposed to tell me that #2 is not a "plaything" and that you can't guarantee a good relationship.

You are fuckin' with my program @helenahhandbasket

Helenahhandbasket · July 2014

hopefulmom81 said:

Helenahhandbasket said:

I think it's pretty normal to question all of your decisions-- not just child rearing ones, so this doesn't surprise me. I totally get why people want more than one.

As for the age gap thing- yes, I do think that as children, a closer age gap can correlate with a stronger bond, but as adults, it won't matter in the least. And when you are an adult is when you tend to look for someone to lean on. So I guess what I am trying to say is that if the only thing holding you back from having another is a possibly 5 year age gap, IMO that's not a good reason.
Um...this is where you are supposed to tell me that #2 is not a "plaything" and that you can't guarantee a good relationship.

You are fuckin' with my program @helenahhandbasket

Hahaha!

dmlk413 · July 2014

Oh, that sucks! Hopefully it's just a momentary lapse.

DH has been on the fence all along. We agreed to open it up for discussion when DD is two and decide by the time she's three. I'm not on the fence at all so we'll see how that goes.

Chapter79 · July 2014

Best friends you can part from when you need a break. Siblings are always up in your face and you CANT ESCAPE THEM!!!! :P

I have a 6 year gap with one brother, 12 years with other. Not as close as little kids... Very very close as adults. So yeah, that can happen.

I definitely don't have the above feelings- I believe my kiddo will be perfectly fine as an only

but I'm sure it's not abnormal, and I would just reevaluate it later.

hopefulmom81 · July 2014

Chapter79 said:

Best friends you can part from when you need a break. Siblings are always up in your face and you CANT ESCAPE THEM!!!! :P I have a 6 year gap with one brother, 12 years with other. Not as close as little kids... Very very close as adults. So yeah, that can happen. I definitely don't have the above feelings- I believe my kiddo will be perfectly fine as an only but I'm sure it's not abnormal, and I would just reevaluate it later.

Yes, I am an only and consider myself perfectly fine as well

I never wanted for a sibling, but I will say, if I am being honest, that I do feel a bit "alone in the world" as an adult. Now, that being said, I wouldn't change my upbringing for anything.

kristennd · July 2014

He's being pretty normal. Siblings can be great. DH and I agree that the odds are that DS would have been happier with siblings than without. There are just so many other factors for us against additional children. You can't look at it in a vacuum.

hopefulmom81 · July 2014

YellowWallpaper12 said:

NamasteBiotches said:

Well, I guess you guys can always reevaluate in a few years. Maybe it was just this weekend that made him think of the possibility but after that wears off, he might come back to being OAD? I'd give it some time. Of course you guys don't have to decide now but honestly, I think this one positive event might just be one of those twinges but doesn't necessarily mean it'll happen (#2, I mean), just a nice day that stirred up this convo.

I agree with this. I can see how it would be appealing based on a few days, but when it comes to having another child, that's not necessarily what the reality would be. I'm not saying it couldn't still be great, but it's more of an idealized version.

He has brought this up before, and I do think that he is being pretty balanced about it. For him, it isn't only those wonderful moments picturing her and a sibling laughing together (though, that is part of it), but it is more having a person for life, even if it isn't a best friend. Just knowing you can count on another person, for both her and the mythical baby #2.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

I don't think she needs a sibling to have someone in her corner forever. She has cousins she obviously gets along well with, and I'm guessing other family (aunts, uncles, cousins). She'll probably have a spouse when she grows up. Yes, the sibling relationship is different, but I don't think it's necessary.

hopefulmom81 · July 2014

TarHeelMomToBe said:

I have not elaborated on my situation before, but feel like now is most relevant. I have one sister 18 months older...we are not close. She has always resented me, felt like I was one-upping her, our entire lives.

She was distant during my wedding planning 4 years ago (even though she was my matron of honor) and has gotten much more distant because she is adamantly against my decision to have a child. She has only a step-child and "decided" that my having a child was just a move to make her inferior in our mother's eyes.

I hate that we are not close - but she cut me out of her life. My DD's family are my DH's siblings and kids -- they give a damn. It hurts that my ONE sibling feels no tie to me, but at 38 yrs old, I have finally given up being the only one making an effort.

Please don't think that a biological sibling guarantees a relationship. DDs cousins are closer to her now than my sister ever was to me.

I am so sorry you went through all of that with your sister

We DEFINITELY don't think that a sibling guarantees a good relationship.

I think we are both saying that in the situation where even if they weren't best friends or even friends at all (which would never be our expectation, that would be silly to think they would be bffs) if they didn't totally dislike each other, they would still have the comfort of knowing each other is on the planet.

DH is not super close with his sister, but he likes knowing she exists, if that makes sense. Her children are DD's cousins that she adores.

I am just thinking if EVERYONE was an only child, then no one would have cousins either, and that is one of the things I like DD having that I didn't have (I am an only who was not close with any family).

Plus, if we had #2, he or she would be 5 years apart from, not 1.5-3. They would never be in school together, wouldn't have the same friends, and would most likely not hit the same life phases at the same time.

kristennd · July 2014

hopefulmom81 said:

DH is not super close with his sister, but he likes knowing she exists, if that makes sense. Her children are DD's cousins that she adores.

I am just thinking if EVERYONE was an only child, then no one would have cousins either, and that is one of the things I like DD having that I didn't have (I am an only who was not close with any family).

That's a good description of my relationship with my brother too.

I'm from a very small family and didn't have cousins. DS won't have cousins either. OAD would definitely be easier if he had that connection as an alternative.

jellybean529 · July 2014

kristennd said:

hopefulmom81 said:

DH is not super close with his sister, but he likes knowing she exists, if that makes sense. Her children are DD's cousins that she adores.

I am just thinking if EVERYONE was an only child, then no one would have cousins either, and that is one of the things I like DD having that I didn't have (I am an only who was not close with any family).

That's a good description of my relationship with my brother too.

I'm from a very small family and didn't have cousins. DS won't have cousins either. OAD would definitely be easier if he had that connection as an alternative.

I have four cousins and never talk to them. We grew up far apart from each other and even though my one cousin is only a month older than me we've only seen each other a handful of times in my life.

DD is SUPER close with her cousins (we live with my sister and her kids) and they're all close in age (nephew is 18 months older, niece is a mere 10 weeks younger)...but there's never a guarantee that that'll happen.

this decaf life · August 2014

DutchKatie said:

Just my two cents on the larger age gap thing: I guess the logistics are easier with a larger age gap. If (big if) we should go for another I'd want to wait until DD is 4 and in school 'cause we would want a second baby to have (almost) as much of our time and attention as the first one. I've seen too often that younger siblings get less pictures, less one on one time, always the rivalry for attention etc. Both my and DH's parents only remember stuff (milestones, illnesses etc) from their firstborn, after the second came it seems to have become a big blur to them. I think it would also be easier to have an older child that is actually able to understand that a newborn's needs are more urgent (not necessarily more important) than his/her own.
At that point in time our question will be: do we want to do it all over again with a newborn?

The other thing about a large gap though is that they probably won't be the best playmates because they'll have different interests. I have a ton of cousins and I'm not very close with any of them. I live very far from my family and have only met my nephews a few times.

We're still on the fence but we won't have another baby for DD. It'll be for us, not to give DD anything special.

this decaf life · August 2014

jellybean529 said:

DD is SUPER close with her cousins (we live with my sister and her kids) and they're all close in age (nephew is 18 months older, niece is a mere 10 weeks younger)...but there's never a guarantee that that'll happen.

Very similar! Older nephew is 18 months older than DD, the other nephew is 11 days older than DD but they've only met twice.

hopefulmom81 · August 2014

this decaf life said:

DutchKatie said:

Just my two cents on the larger age gap thing: I guess the logistics are easier with a larger age gap. If (big if) we should go for another I'd want to wait until DD is 4 and in school 'cause we would want a second baby to have (almost) as much of our time and attention as the first one. I've seen too often that younger siblings get less pictures, less one on one time, always the rivalry for attention etc. Both my and DH's parents only remember stuff (milestones, illnesses etc) from their firstborn, after the second came it seems to have become a big blur to them. I think it would also be easier to have an older child that is actually able to understand that a newborn's needs are more urgent (not necessarily more important) than his/her own.
At that point in time our question will be: do we want to do it all over again with a newborn?

The other thing about a large gap though is that they probably won't be the best playmates because they'll have different interests. I have a ton of cousins and I'm not very close with any of them. I live very far from my family and have only met my nephews a few times.

We're still on the fence but we won't have another baby for DD. It'll be for us, not to give DD anything special.

But, I mean, DD would be part of the consideration right? I don't mean to be snarky, but I completely understand the idea that "giving a sibling" is the goofiest idea ever, but sibling hood IS part of having multiple children, so it seems like that would have to be a factor. It isn't like the 2 children will be completely separate entities, there will be a relationship there, for good or bad.

IMO, it is lovely to think of part of it is giving the 2 children potentially something special.

bloverde · August 2014

We're all OAD for different reasons. Personally, even if a sibling would give DS someone in his corner for the rest of his life, it would also give him less time due to my demanding career, less attention and less of my sanity. Even if all that gets better in 5 years, I would not make it that far without a major depression and probably the dissolution of my marriage. So...trade offs.

I guess what I'm saying is to think about why you're OAD and if you think the long term benefit out weighs the short term detriment.

hopefulmom81 · August 2014

bloverde said:

We're all OAD for different reasons. Personally, even if a sibling would give DS someone in his corner for the rest of his life, it would also give him less time due to my demanding career, less attention and less of my sanity. Even if all that gets better in 5 years, I would not make it that far without a major depression and probably the dissolution of my marriage. So...trade offs. I guess what I'm saying is to think about why you're OAD and if you think the long term benefit out weighs the short term detriment.

Right, I mean, I know why we would be OAD and why we would choose to have another. I think the point of this post was an, "EEK! DH is changing up on me" and less trying to make people feel like they need to justify OAD, I am sorry if it came off that way.

bloverde · August 2014

Oh goodness no it didn't. I got the feeling she was considering jumping on the fence too. Maybe I just failed at reading comprehension.

hopefulmom81 · August 2014

bloverde said:

Oh goodness no it didn't. I got the feeling she was considering jumping on the fence too. Maybe I just failed at reading comprehension.

Oh! OP is me

I was worried that I came off as saying OAD is a bad choice some how! I am an only and have been pretty resolute in the OAD decision until DH flagged the issue.

Sorry for misunderstanding!!

bloverde · August 2014

See, still failing at reading by not seeing who is posting.

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