Please help

lexishay · July 2014

When my boyfriend and I found out I was pregnant we agreed that moving in together would be the best option for the baby. The main idea of us moving in together is so I would have someone to help me around the house. Dishes, laundry, organizing, etc. but ever since he's moved in I feel like he's making me more work for me rather than helping. He got a new job to help put money away for baby but he decided it was too hard and quit not long after starting. He often gets mad that the house is not cleaned and will sometimes clean it after yelling at me. He just wants to spend his three days off sitting on the couch playing video games. I am so tired from working all the time and thought he would be able to help me out some. But I can't ask him because he's always offended if I ask for help. What do I do?!

danakatiepfoltzer · July 2014

The division of chores among many other household duties is not going yo go away. If anything , more responsibilities are going to be a added to that list very soon: changing diapers , extra laundry from baby etc . Make sure communication stays open honest and respectful. You have to talk to each other before things get shoved under the rug.

It's likely that some assumptions were made about living together (like... You have to do all the cleaning). Those things need to be talked about even if he gets upset initially; nothing will ever be resolved if it's never talked about .

Good luck!

Latham12 · July 2014

Get out of the relationship before it gets worse? Are you head I've heels in love with him? If not, you can so do this on your own. Doesn't mean you have to break up, but maybe moving in together wasn't the best decision right now? I'm sorry you have to deal with all of this :-/

lexishay · July 2014

Thank you! My main issue is getting him to do things around the house when I'm not there to help him. I don't mind us splittling the work at all. I just don't enjoy doing it all on my own.

lexishay · July 2014

He's the best I've ever had but sometimes I feel like I'm the only one putting in any effort and it makes me upset.

danakatiepfoltzer · July 2014

lexishay said:
He's the best I've ever had but sometimes I feel like I'm the only one putting in any effort and it makes me upset.

Effort in the relationship or the house?

lexishay · July 2014

Honestly a little of both. I feel like the lack of effort in the house from him strains the relationship he feels like I'm always nagging him and I feel exhausted from the lack of help.

oboeodo · July 2014

I don't know if I would throw in the towel just yet. Have you thought about counseling? If he is expecting you to clean more and you are feeling you do all of the work, it sounds like you have a communication issue. That being said, I don't think there is a couple on this earth that has not argued about the division of chores. How long have you guys been together and how long have you lived together?

liladelphia215 · July 2014

Do you give him specific tasks or just make a blanket statement asking for help? I find it easier to get the help I need if I give him specific tasks. Nagging about the lack of help around the house usually leads to a fight with my H but if I say "H, can you please take out the trash, it's really full" or "H can you please do the dishes so I can get to the laundry" or, "Yikes, that rain last week really has the lawn growing fast, can you please mow it?" I get a much better response.

Some men see something that needs to get done and just do it - there are other men that need specific prompting.

MNgirl326 · July 2014

the idea of him moving in was so that he can help you with chores and such?

yeah that only sounds exciting for about 5 minutes.

if you want someone to do your chores hire a maid. If you don't, then you both need to sit down and decide if you want this relationship to be more then a co-parent type situation. if you love him and he loves you and you want the relationship to actually be more then co-parenting, you need to sit down and discuss how the household will work and come up with a plan that works for both of you.

Moving into together is a huge step no matter where you are in a relationship. DH and i have been together 13 years and married for 8 and we still argue over household chores from time to time. We still get in these tit for tat augments about who is working harder at work and therefore should do less chores at home. These arguments are few and far between but they weren't when we first moved in.

I have also learned that we both work differently and communicate differently- when i want the kitchen cleaned up, I want it done right now. When DH wants it done, he wants it done by the end of the day. Learning how to communicate with each other and talk to each other has taken time and effort.

I know have to specifiy things - "hey when the laundry is done, i need you to fold it and put it away before you go work outside" He has learned to be more specific-"I made a big mess cooking _____I will get it cleaned up before i go to bed"

Good luck I hope it all works out!

2000cougar · July 2014

In our house, everyone has household responsibilities. When I got pregnant, my OB made a point to tell my husband that I wasn't allowed to carry anything heavier than a gallon of milk. Even he knew that men sometimes don't get subtle hints. This served as a message to DH that he was going to have to pitch in more. It won't get any easier once the baby arrives. I think you need to discuss what each of you are responsible in your house.

YaMrWhite · July 2014

He sounds like he needs to grow up. And preferably before the baby comes. I have nothing against grown adults playing video games but not while your pregnant girlfriend is cleaning the house around you. Grow up, get up, and help. It will only get tougher once the baby comes. A chore list would be a great idea. Write out all the daily/weekly tasks that need to be done to keep the house clean and functioning smoothly and then assign them to yourselves. That way he isn't necessarily being told when to do something. He can do it when he feels ready as long as it is done on the day it's listed.

MichaelSC28 · July 2014

Okay...I am "trying" not to judge and get in your business. BUT how long were you guys together before deciding to move in? Was marriage or being together long term even in the cards...or did you just base this off of the pregnancy? I would say move in together due to a pregnacy and not for more substantial reasons is risky all together. I would definetly not be scared to talk to him about the situation and as others suggested I would definetly try and seperate work in the house and have a deep discussion on the money thing. I know that you are not married so the money part is going to be hard because he is going to say your not married, but it needs to be had.

He sounds very young or if he isn't that young he is immature and needs to grow the hell up. I don't know if after we discussed helping out more that I would stay in your relationship. My DH and I bought a house together before we got married and let me tell you the first 2 years was hard! Learning another person ins and outs is hard not to mention your pregnant. I would seriously suggest revaluating your plans for raising that child. I know alone sounds terrifying but I don't think that staying cause of the baby would be good for you or the LO. I have a gf who got pregnant with at 23 year old and she is 31 with a previous child. She is learning the hard way that she is having to raise three children now.

With all that being said. You can try and work it out but be ready to stand up when you need to and make things the best for you and your child.

Good Luck!

ShuShubee · July 2014

You need to have an open and honest conversation with him about this. A chore chart is a great idea. He sounds like his idea of moving in was to have someone else take care of him. You need to be clear with him about your expectations. You can't expect him to read your mind and just know what you want. Not saying that is what you are doing, but you two need better communication. If that doesn't work and you are serious about him, go to counseling.

And FYI, just because he is the best you've ever had doesn't mean he is a great guy. It could mean that your exes were THAT bad. I am not saying this is the situation, as I know nothing about him outside of this thread, but that phrase is an instant red flag in my book.

NatureLovers · July 2014

Dump him. Apparently he thought earning extra money was the end of his obligation, although he doesn't work anymore. You can't make an immature, selfish person change. And not every single relationship problem can, or should be, worked out. I have never had to ask my husband for help. He knows I'm pregnant, knows I'm sick, and he picks up the slack without me saying a word. That's what a loving partner does.

Emilysrlaw · July 2014

It sounds like you and I are similar in age. When my husband and I first moved in together while dating we definitely argued over household chores and what not. I would not suggest throwing in the towel quite yet as I think all couples struggle at first when they move in together since two different lifestyles are now in one house.

What helped my husband and I was designating one day to be our cleaning day and each person has their set chores. This works for us because we are both working at the same time so no one feels like they do everything and he knows that after the chores are complete I will not nag him about playing video games. For example, on Sunday mornings we clean. I clean the kitchen and vacuum, and he cleans the bathroom and the living room. Then we do the laundry together cause we both HATE doing laundry and neither person wanted to take on that chore, the only fair compromise was to do it together.

I think it is important to try talking and compromising together before just giving up.

EDIT: because I left something out...

jmcmoe · July 2014

I've been married four years (happily) but the one thing we ALWAYS fight about is household chores because we both work...I have to remind him sometimes that I'm not his mother nor am I a stay at home mom even though with my job I tend to be home in the day and not in the early morning and night ...but with the people that said to give specific tasks that way if it doesn't happen after like a week you have grounds to "nag" to get him to do it!

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