How do you do time-outs?

traveltheworld · July 2014

Genuine question - so DS is 2 and I can't seem to figure out how to do time-outs with him. For example, if he hits, we tell him no hitting and try to take him to his "time-out" spot. He immediately flops onto the floor screaming and crying, and that lasts for 5 - 10 minutes. So we can't ever really get him over to the spot, nor can we do the "1 minute of time-out per age" thing since he is so dramatic about it all.

Cherryblossoms07 · July 2014

Consistency is key. Both DD and DS would throw fits about time out when we started it with them. Now at 2 and 4 they know I mean business and tantrums just get them in further trouble.

In the situation you mentioned, I would pick him up and put him in the time out spot. In the beginning if he wants to cry and throw a tantrum in time out, so be it. I wouldn't entertain it by giving in or giving him the attention he is seeking. Don't stand over him, walk away, out of sight! If he gets out put him back with very little interaction with him. Once he realizes that throwing a tantrum will not get him attention or her him out of time out then work on the tantrums. My kids get longer time outs for tantrums in time out. After they get out then we discuss what they did wrong, why they spent the length of time in time out that they did (if tempers were out of hand), etc. Good luck!

Ya Never Know · July 2014

I'm not sure if this helps, but a friend of mine's son was much like that, and when he had a time-out, she would put him in a time-out chair. He would throw himself on the floor too, but they would pick him up, and put him in the time-out chair (which was a high chair) and buckle him in for his time-out. They hated it, and so did he, but it was effective, and they didn't need to do it often, because telling him he would get a time-out for doing something was usually enough to make him stop.

Unknown · July 2014

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Emerald27 · July 2014

We do time out with mommy or daddy, and we don't do it often. When DS is not listening and clearly needs to take a time out/break, we make him sit with one of us calmly for a minute. Sometimes he kicks or flails or throws a tantrum, but he isn't allowed to get back up and play or whatever until he has calmed down and sat calmly with one of us for a minute.

I prefer this approach because it teaches him to calm himself down, and I'm right there with him (or DH is). There's no battle of wills in getting him to stay there, since he can just be held, and I haven't left him alone or strapped him in his chair or anything. It is a great deterrent for DS from not listening or doing things he knows he shouldn't, because it's so hard to sit still and be calm for a whole minute.

My DS is 2.5ish.

TiffanyBerry · July 2014

We don't. For a lot of the reasons listed here: https://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/positive-discipline/timeouts

Occasionally, we'll do something like a time-in, much like @Emerald27 mentions. But it's super duper rare. And it's more about us helping her get out of a situation that she cannot regulate herself through. I *will* move away from her if she hits me, and I will go as far away as I need to be to make sure she can't hurt me, but that's the only time I try to force a separation between us.

I don't do time-outs with the boy I watch either, and it seems to work just fine for us, even though his parents do it at home. I don't find that I have to discipline him a disproportionate amount, really.

Emerald27 · July 2014

Thanks for sharing, @TiffanyBerry‌! DH and I are somewhat at odds with how to handle meltdowns (they're rare, but they do happen almost weekly). He is afraid that consoling DS during a meltdown affirms that this is an appropriate response to not getting your way, etc., and he would prefer to have a consequence for melting down. My point to DH is that once DS has started down the meltdown trail, he is powerless to stop himself, so "punishing" him will not help the situation at all.

DH thinks it's permissive parenting to not have a consequence for a meltdown, but to me it's just an expression of emotion that DS hasn't learned to control yet, albeit an inappropriate expression, and that time is what he needs to learn to control his anger or whatever, not consequences. Sigh.

This article helped me a bit by saying what I am thinking much better than I ever could:

"If you want to teach your child emotional self-management, that’s only effective before a meltdown starts. When you see the warning signs, take your child to a "Time IN." This signals to your child that you understand she's got some big emotions going on and you're right there with her. If she's just a bit wound-up and wants to snuggle or even read a book, fine. If she's ready for a melt-down, you're there to help. Just let her know you're there and she's safe.

Once the meltdown starts and your child is swept with emotion, it’s too late for teaching. Don't try to talk or negotiate or convince him of anything; he's in "fight or flight" emergency mode and the thinking parts of his brain aren't working right now. Just stay nearby so you don’t trigger his abandonment panic, and stay calm. Don’t give in to whatever caused the meltdown, but offer your total loving attention. Tell him he's safe. Be ready to reassure him of your love once he calms down."

DH and I need to find some balance between the ways we would prefer to teach DS. It shouldn't be just one parent's way...but this really will help me explain myself better the next time we're discussing (/arguing over) disciplining DS.

cedenton · July 2014

We put him with his back against a wall for 2 minutes. If he moves too far out of the zone then he has to go back and it starts over. That's the only way that was effective for us that would allow us to be consistent when not at home. We can do time out anywhere with a wall basically.

I often stand right in front of him. I don't talk to him because it ramps him back up. Afterwards he gives me a hug and says sorry.

We do time outs for hitting, biting and throwing things (usually when mad). Anything that is clearly purposefully defiant or mean, basically.

TiffanyBerry · July 2014

@Emerald27, for us, most of the biggest meltdowns have her running away from us to hide (at home, in some other room) and she doesn't want me near until she's ready (and it sometimes takes 10 minutes or more). And we don't do a lot of talking about it afterwards - basically the bare minimum - because it makes her upset all over. She's so very sensitive in many (but not all) ways.

But those times are not the time to try to enforce a consequence. There doesn't even really *need* to be a consequence (externally applied, anyway). It's all about teaching her to cope with the world. It's tough!

heatherwhite1984 · July 2014

we don't do timeouts due to it not being developmentally appropriate for children at this young of an age. children have a hard time with the concept of time. unless you have a visual timer (sand or another visual timer) they do not know how long they will be there for, and that is traumatizing to them. also sitting in a chair - expecting young children to sit in a chair at various times, especially when they are upset is going to be challenging. i suggest if your family is going to do timeouts, don't do them in a chair, create a private space for the child. in the that space, could be a tent, or a box (unclosed of course!) but in this space you could have books about emotions, a mirror, some pillows and the visual timer. in this space the child can go to, away from where they were having a difficult time in/with, but to have something to do that is more calming. you can also pre-teach the child that that space is to go to if you are mad, sad, angry, etc. instead of saying you are in timeout, could say, "it sounds/looks like you could use your private space for a minute or two" then discuss how many times you are going to flip the timer. your child may decide to go in this space on his/her own throughout the day. i use this in my classroom, and it works great! by discussing a variety of emotions (not just sad, mad, and happy) it helps children know how they are feeling. having a mirror available, children can see their own emotions on their face. books about emotions can help children try to relate. you can also add different items that are calming/soothing to the child.

littlemurphy2912 · July 2014

I agree with @Nicb13. My DD will be 2 in 2 weeks and we have 3 reasons why we put her in time out and she will have a fit and tantrum and scream and cry but we ignore it and by the time she can get out of time out she is calming down or when I go to get her she stops crying immediately and I say to her "you don't (do whatever it is that my hubby and I won't tolerate her doing) you need to be nice and listen to mommy and daddy when we say no, do you understand and she will say "yes ma'am or yes sir" and then I will say tell mommy sorry, give me a hug, and a kiss and I will say thank you for listening even if she was on the floor having a fit with being in time out. That might be a lot to tell her but when she does something that she knows got her put in time out the other day she will say to my hubby and I "don't do that....time out" and we will say that's right we don't do that or you will go in time out and she will discontinue doing it and we will say good girl, thank you for listening. Works for us.

Ya Never Know · July 2014

I also agree with @Nicb13‌. We do time -outs with DD and have been doing them since she was 2. They are no more than a minute or two, and when they are done and you ask her if she knows why she was having a time out, she will tell you the exact reason without us having to tell her why. She knows what a time out is, and the situations in which she would get one.

Anne Mommy · July 2014

DH started putting DS1's toys in time out. Then he'd say "All done" and that was it. DS1 thought it was a great game. It's not for everyone, but it helped DS to learn that time outs are okay and help you calm down. DS sits on the couch or stands along the wall for time out. The duration is however long it takes him to calm down. DH and I also take some time outs around him. He knows it is okay. When he is calm, he will tell me he is done. It's not a punishment. It teaches him to calm down in a safe manner. Then we talk about what happened. He is 3y 3mo so he understands.

Cherryblossoms07 · July 2014

wife07mom09 said:

Cherryblossoms07 said:

Consistency is key. Both DD and DS would throw fits about time out when we started it with them. Now at 2 and 4 they know I mean business and tantrums just get them in further trouble.

In the situation you mentioned, I would pick him up and put him in the time out spot. In the beginning if he wants to cry and throw a tantrum in time out, so be it. I wouldn't entertain it by giving in or giving him the attention he is seeking. Don't stand over him, walk away, out of sight! If he gets out put him back with very little interaction with him.

Once he realizes that throwing a tantrum will not get him attention or her him out of time out then work on the tantrums. My kids get longer time outs for tantrums in time out. After they get out then we discuss what they did wrong, why they spent the length of time in time out that they did (if tempers were out of hand), etc. Good luck!

respectfully disagree here. punishing for a tantrum is teaching your child to "stuff" her feelings and not allow her to emotionally regulate herself. Ignore tantrums and praise her when they stop.

wife07mom09 said:

Cherryblossoms07 said:

Consistency is key. Both DD and DS would throw fits about time out when we started it with them. Now at 2 and 4 they know I mean business and tantrums just get them in further trouble.

In the situation you mentioned, I would pick him up and put him in the time out spot. In the beginning if he wants to cry and throw a tantrum in time out, so be it. I wouldn't entertain it by giving in or giving him the attention he is seeking. Don't stand over him, walk away, out of sight! If he gets out put him back with very little interaction with him.

Once he realizes that throwing a tantrum will not get him attention or her him out of time out then work on the tantrums. My kids get longer time outs for tantrums in time out. After they get out then we discuss what they did wrong, why they spent the length of time in time out that they did (if tempers were out of hand), etc. Good luck!

respectfully disagree here. punishing for a tantrum is teaching your child to "stuff" her feelings and not allow her to emotionally regulate herself. Ignore tantrums and praise her when they stop.

I feel like I need to clarify thay I don't punish normal tantrums. I do further punish destructive physical behavior during time out - hitting, kicking, punching, etc.

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