Advice please!! Is it hormones or are my concerns worth a second thought?

Erichandme · July 2014

So, we got pregnant one month into dating (oops!) I've always used the rhythm method for over ten years and never had so much as a "maybe?". Well, things happened and now we are getting to know each other... I'm on pregnancy leave from work already and not getting income, so I'm forced to move in with him before I'm ready to give up my independence. He's driving me nuts already, and doesn't understand personal space at all! His dog means more to him than the baby, (mind you his dog has run away 5 times in the last three month). I don't know what to do! I know he's happy about the baby and really wants to be a dad, but I wonder if I would be better moving back to Detroit (were I am from) and doing this myself. He is always getting in my bubble and making me feel smothered in a bad way. If I tell him how I'm feeling he will freak out because he's told me that is his biggest fear, but I just don't know what to do.

Thanks in advance!

junebugjam · July 2014

Can I ask why you are on leave from work so soon? I was going to suggest just getting your own place and carry on as a couple who is dating and just getting to know one another. Jumping into living together with the added stress of expecting a baby seems like it could be a recipe for disaster. But if you have no income I'm assuming that's not a possibility.

Hope it all works out one way or another.

WanderingA · July 2014

I agree with the PP's, if there is any way you can live on your own but still be close to him than I would jump at that option. Getting to know someone in the early stages of a relationship is hard enough, let along moving in with them and being pregnant! It sounds like you have a lot on your plate and need to move as slowly as you can to make it work.

I hope you find a solution that works for you all!

easton2131 · July 2014

i understand if you took leave BC you feel sick, but remember you may not get that back in the end. do you have vacation days to use? how long have you known him before dating? me and df have been together for 11 years and moved in after 3. it is definitely too early, but you seem to have a good head on your shoulders and know what you have to do. IMO, you should move back home (it was good that you tried to make it work and now you know it won't) and get your life straightened out. hes the one who needs to grow up and realize he's gt change (he seems very immature). don't wait for him, sometimes it takes men until after the baby's here to man up. I wish you luck.

jennjilljo · July 2014

Maybe you could move home and continue a long distance relationship or give him the option if moving with you and living in separate places. The biggest thing (as you know) is putting baby first so do whatever you feel will be best for your child in the end. Having a dad in the picture is usually only good when mom and dad can get along happily.

CatLadyTX · July 2014

Is there a reason you are already on leave? If you are feeling smothered, but not ready to move out just yet, maybe you can go back to work. Being out of the house will give you some badly needed space.

As for the issues with his dog, you have got to remember that he has known the dog a lot longer than he has known you. It may take a little time for him to adjust to all of the big changes happening in his life right now. Give him a little time, I'm sure he will come around. He just needs some time.

HerHighness · July 2014

The being smother part does sound like a normal reaction to moving in with someone. There is always a transition period where you feel like choking each other. That can happen to couples who have been together for several years. Try and be gentle with each other or leave the room when you feel like its to much. Maybe go for a drive if need be. It helps just to have a little space. As far as the dog thing... It takes men awhile before they really get that you being pregnant actually means baby. To you it is way more real than it is to him. It takes men longer to bond. Some get more on board when they feel the kicks, some when the baby is actually here. Give him time to accept things. Nothing wrong with him loving the dog more at this point.

Now for some tough love....... I dont mean this in a bitchy way as this is what i would tell you if you were my younger sister. The rhythm method? Arent you worried about STDs? You've known him a month, that's not even enough time for an aids test to be clear. Extremely irresponsible.

Also why are you on pregnancy leave from work? Is it medically necessary? Most people work until late 3rd trimester. If you are a February mom you can at most be beginning of the 2nd. You've known the guy a short time yet you are expecting him to support you? You arent his wife. Its not his job to support you. If you dont love this man or at least care enough about him that you are willing to try and love this man then maybe you should move out.

mommy510 · July 2014

DS2 was a complete surprise, so I've totally been there with a baby on the way and the circumstances being difficult. (Totally different situation, but still very stressful.) You'll make it through! Hopefully you will be able to get back to work.
Until then, would it be possible to have your own room at his place? I know it sounds weird, but if you had a place to call your own it might be easier. Even if it wasn't a bedroom (I could see that being terribly misinterpreted by your BF.), maybe if you had a room that would be the baby's room later but you could have a chair and a bookshelf and just hang out in there sometimes when it all seems stressful. And you could have your stuff in there and make it your own space.

Mommalawyer · July 2014

Go home. Seriously. Why do I say that? Cause 7 years ago I was in your shoes. It rarely works out in this situation and I think you can save yourself a lot of pain and angst in the long run. You need your family, not a "get to know you" boyfriend when you're having a baby. Pregnancy is hard enough on a solid couple, let alone one that is fresh & new. How old are you?

Mommalawyer · July 2014

I should add, he was packing up his crap to leave and go back home to another state. I happened to take a pregnancy test in between the packing and him leaving. I regret that. I wish I would have waited another 12 hours cause life would be SO much different and better. Being a single mom is hard, hard work. But it's even harder when you're dealing with an asshole and a horrible relationship because you never got to know one another cause things moved at warp speed. Don't mistake me though, my daughter is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. Fact. I'd never take back having her. But I always wonder "what if" I had waited on that test & he had left.......

StephanieLBerg · July 2014

HerHighness said:
The being smothered part does sound like a normal reaction to moving in with someone. There is always a transition period where you feel like choking each other. That can happen to couples who have been together for several years. Try and be gentle with each other or leave the room when you feel like its to much. Maybe go for a drive if need be. It helps just to have a little space. As far as the dog thing... It takes men awhile before they really get that you being pregnant actually means baby. To you it is way more real than it is to him. It takes men longer to bond. Some get more on board when they feel the kicks, some when the baby is actually here. Give him time to accept things. Nothing wrong with him loving the dog more at this point.

Now for some tough love....... I dont mean this in a bitchy way as this is what i would tell you if you were my younger sister. The rhythm method? Arent you worried about STDs? You've known him a month, that's not even enough time for an aids test to be clear. Extremely irresponsible.

Also why are you on pregnancy leave from work? Is it medically necessary? Most people work until late 3rd trimester. If you are a February mom you can at most be beginning of the 2nd. You've known the guy a short time yet you are expecting him to support you? You arent his wife. Its not his job to support you. If you dont love this man or at least care enough about him that you are willing to try and love this man then maybe you should move out.

THIS!!! My hubby and I have been together for 11 years, and didn't move in together until 2.5 years into the relationship, and even then it was a struggle to get used to living with someone who isn't your family and has way different tendencies than you're used to. If you're thinking that a baby is going to bring you two closer together, or fix him into being the man that YOU want him to be, then you are sorely mistaken. Babies tend to ruin, or end, relationships that are on rocky ground to begin with; my parents are evidence of that.

I think you should really consider moving back home, especially if you don't plan on going back to work anytime before the baby is born. The fact that you are freaking out about him loving his dog more than you or the baby is rather childish on your part. You two barely know each other and just because you ended up pregnant after a one night stand with him doesn't mean that he has to fall in love with and marry you. This isn't the 50's. IMO, both of you could use a little maturity boost. Things are moving WAY too fast and I feel that your expectations of him and your situation are just north of a Disney fairy tale.

CogDis · July 2014

These are pretty serious decisions to make and I think you might be best seeking professional help to make the decision that is best for YOU. Most of the time, doing what's best for you is what is best for the baby (it is simple logic about what dependency means in real life).

Online forums are great places to get ideas of options you might not have thought of yourself (and you got some great ones here) but it also lends itself to extremist thought, (black and white thinking), and doomsday mentalities. For that reason, find a therapist in your area who does a sliding pay scale so you can afford them (look up therapists online or in the phone book and call or email them to ask about the sliding scale). Explain you need help with ideas of either how to make your living situation better or help making a decision to change it.

Don't make a decision to stay or leave based on others' advice (as good as much of the advice here is).

Hugs! You got this!

Erichandme · September 2014

I have been on leave from work so early because I have a lifting restriction that they are not willing to accommodate and I have a seizure disorder. I recently was given disability pay and I believe that I'm going to use that to pay for my move back home. His behavior seems to be getting worse.

Erichandme · September 2014

I'm not sure the last time that you got an AIDS test done, but they come back within 24 hours nowadays. I do not ask for him to support me, and quite frankly, that's none of your business. And I have dealt with things far worse than you could imagine. I have certain health reasons why the rhythm method is my only option and I would prefer not to be judged by my health issues.

reneamac313 · September 2014

It's very interesting that you posted something earlier that referred to some other issues that you are having with your SO and then you post this. Reading both it just seems that you need to leave him. Being in a relationship with someone who has a drinking problem, violent tendencies, and control issues isn't the best.

ImAmandaURNot · September 2014

Then you should have posted the full story! No reason to be so defensive when everyone is trying to give you the advice that YOU asked for!

HerHighness · September 2014

Erichandme said:

I'm not sure the last time that you got an AIDS test done, but they come back within 24 hours nowadays. I do not ask for him to support me, and quite frankly, that's none of your business. And I have dealt with things far worse than you could imagine. I have certain health reasons why the rhythm method is my only option and I would prefer not to be judged by my health issues.

You made things our business when you posted about them on a public forum asking what to do. Aids tests may come back in 24 hours but the period of time it takes a person to test positive after exposure is 2-12 weeks. For some its up to 6 months. That means either of you could have it and easily test negative during a one month span.

My advice was accurate for the information that you gave at the time. Dont come back 3 months later and whine that im mean and judging you.

modernfairytale8709 · September 2014

HerHighness said:

Erichandme said:

I'm not sure the last time that you got an AIDS test done, but they come back within 24 hours nowadays. I do not ask for him to support me, and quite frankly, that's none of your business. And I have dealt with things far worse than you could imagine. I have certain health reasons why the rhythm method is my only option and I would prefer not to be judged by my health issues.

You made things our business when you posted about them on a public forum asking what to do. Aids tests may come back in 24 hours but the period of time it takes a person to test positive after exposure is 2-12 weeks. For some its up to 6 months. That means either of you could have it and easily test negative during a one month span.

My advice was accurate for the information that you gave at the time. Dont come back 3 months later and whine that im mean and judging you.

Alllllll of this. Andplusalso, testing for AIDS, after the fact, even routine testing, will not prevent you from contracting it. When you've been exposed, you're already at risk.

If you have health issues that prevent, seriously, every other method if birth control, I'd strongly suggest getting both yourself and the person you're thinking of sexing it up with tested before hand. I mean, sure, you could just assume everyone you meet is disease free, but that's an awful lot of trust to put into someone you just met.

Good luck with your situation. I'm sure it must be really difficult. I'd never want to go through this without a close support system. If you have that in Detroit, fly home.

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Advice please!! Is it hormones or are my concerns worth a second thought?

Re: Advice please!! Is it hormones or are my concerns worth a second thought?

Pregnant with baby BOY #1 due 2/24/14 after 4 years of TTC and IUI #3

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