Husband wants family there for the Birth

TheaRae · July 2014

I have a very big issue at hand, after my husband telling his father he could be in the room for our dilivery. We had the discussion that the only people I would like present are him and my mother, he proceeded to tell me that if his mother could not be in the room neither could mine... I am completely un-comfortable with her being there and feel as though his request is unfair ( I do not want her to see my goods) He also proceeded to tell me that both his mother & husband, father & wife, two grandparents, aunt, husband and there three childern asked to be in the waiting room and to see the baby after dilivery. I cannot express how important it is to me to have at least an hour of skin to skin contact, and to breast feed, shower and rest before people start holding the baby. This is not what I had in mind for my dilivery, and I don't really feel like negoating but my husband is beyond mad at me right now for my feelings on the subject... How can I make him understand where I am coming from this is not about his family it is about ours.

tbarker14 · July 2014

Sounds like you two need to sit down and discuss this out.
Perhaps find some middle ground? If he really wants his family to meet the little one they can do so after you had a chance to shower, change and the one hour skin to skin contact. Perhaps if you explain why this is so important. (such as the benefits for your baby and family) on top of why you don't want any one else in the room besides him and your mom. Giving birth is a stressful thing (especially for a first time mom). You only want the people in the room that you are comfortable with.
But this is something you guys need to sit down and discuss. This will be the first of many issues that will come up with your little one. hopefully you can talk it out.

littlemissmarla · July 2014

Ok, I can get where DH is coming from with the whole if my mom can't be there then yours can't - BUT, I also have the same feelings as you.. I only want my DH and mom in for delivery and wouldn't feel comfortable with DH's mom there. Are you very close to your mom? Could you try to explain to him the level of your relationship with your mom and how important it is for her to be there for you during this time - you are the one who is actually giving birth, not DH. As for the rest of the family, that is just way to many people and too early for them to be bombarding you. I would talk to DH about his parents/step-parents about waiting a couple hours before visiting, at least until you and baby are OK and have had time to bond. As for grandparents, aunts, uncles.. ect.. I think that they need to wait until the following day or until you are ready for visitors. There is no way I would let DH father be in the room for delivery, that is VERY awkward.. I don't even want my own father in the delivery room. Good luck, I hope DH comes around and realizes that yes, his child is being born but you are on the table doing all the work and your not there to be put on display.

littlemissmarla · July 2014

Also, it shouldn't be about "if I can't have ______ than you can't." That's being a little childish and your comfort level will be the most important thing during delivery.

ILoveRunning · July 2014

Ditto PPs that you need to sit down and have a good talk.

Regarding MIL in the room. It is your body, your choice and you get to pick who is in the room with you. However, there is room to compromise. Would you mind your MIL being there when you labor early on, but aren't pushing? That way she doesn't see anything, but she still gets to be there. Alternatively, can you give her a special alternative? Maybe first grandma to hold the baby or be there when you check out and go home?

Second, the number of people your DH wants is a lot, and he needs to understand you need recovery time. That being said, you should allow his parents to visit afterwards. Give yourself the hour, but understand that they want to meet their grandchild just as much as your mom wants to. The rest of the visitors can wait until later when you are settled in.

Weezy56 · July 2014

This is one of the cases where I think the person giving birth gets final say.

Your husband is being an asshole. Your comfort comes first, not his, and not either of your family's. Yes he should get a say, but if you are not comfortable with these arrangements then that should be the end of discussion. You are only asking for a few hours at most after birth for some privacy, nothing unreasonable.

I'm not saying this would be the right thing to do, but if my husband insisted on any ILs being in the room I would be so pissed I would tell him he's more than welcome to not be in the room either. And I would mean it. Because I am not there to be put on display for other people I'm not comfortable with.

He has NO right to tell you who can be in the room during labor and who can't. He's not the patient. Ask him if he would like to labor and push a baby out of his peen-hole in front of his ILs.

Sorry, I'm just getting more and more ragey hearing about SOs trying to stomp all over their partners comfort when said partners' requests are not at all unreasonable.

brooklynesque · July 2014

You have the absolute right to determine who does and does not see your vag. If you are uncomfortable with who is in the delivery room it could affect the progress of your labor. Your DH doesn't get the final word on this.

As for the rest of the family in the waiting room, tell them they are welcome to wait but that you will be doing the hour of skin on skin bonding before anyone comes in. There are some good videos etc. on the steps of self-latching after birth -- maybe you could find a good one to show your DH to help him understand why this is important.

cozybluebear · July 2014

As for the delivery room... your vagina, your choice! To be honest though, once it's time to push, you won't care who is in there. I didn't want my MIL in the room either but my husband asked me at the last second and I caved. I didn't even know she was there. You have to keep in mind that it's your husband's baby too and you'll have to be a little considerate. I made it clear that I wanted alone time with the baby and our family stayed in the waiting room and respected that for as long as we needed. They waited 9 months, they can wait an hour.

All I'm saying is you need to be considerate of your husband's feelings. It's not a bad thing that everyone wants to show their happiness for you and meet baby.

TheaRae · July 2014

BrittAnne ~ I agree with you pertaining to the three golden hours... I was hoping for no visitors for at least 5-7 after dilivery. My husbands family is very intense and I cannot handle them as is, but they are my in-laws so I respect them being apart of things. My mother I have not even asked her if she would be there yet, I just know that I want her there. But I can compromise on it just being me and my husband as long as I can just have the time alone afterwards, I just want to be alone with him and our baby.

ArgyleBride · July 2014

I'm sorry, I just don't see this as a time when compromise is reasonable. You are the one laboring, you are the one with your vagina on display, you make the choices about who is there. I think that tentatively, respectfully asking you if his mom could be there is okay, but anything beyond that is not okay.

How dare he try to deprive you of anything that could give you comfort and support--your mother--as some sort of bargaining chip for himself. I would be fuming. Forget the delivery room, if my DH took a hard line like this, he wouldn't be welcome in the house. Not okay. I am angry on your behalf!

KayteeGee · July 2014

Shower... ha ha ha... I think I showered on day 2? I had an epidural and needed help walking to the rest room to get "cleaned up" didn't shower, just wanted to snuggle my LO.

that out of the way....
1. Check with your hospital, mine only allows three people in the room. For us that's DH, my doula and my mom. This was non-negotiable for me and I was super clear about that with DH. Now, he's not the type and his parents aren't the type to push for more. and he would NEVER say something like "if my mom can't come in then yours can't either" um.... F THAT. It's YOUR body. That would so not EVER fly with me.
2. As to the waiting room - we had a BUNCH of people in the waiting room. Before the pushing they came to see me (and it was so nice), and once we were settled with LO in my arms they came in to see. NOTE I SAID: SEE not hold. No F'ing way would I be passing around a brand new baby. But I also was not going to keep my child's grandparents (in my case my dad and stepdad) and uncle (my brother) from meeting him.

Honestly, I totally think you should compromise on the waiting room - who cares? it's their time waiting around, and if they want to spend it at the hospital, what's the biggie? You'll let them in when you're good and ready. If that's an hour and they just get to see LO, cool. If it's 20 mins and it's a quick peek, ok. If it's 3 hours and then everyone gets to play pass the baby, OK. It'll be what it'll be, but I don't understand telling your in laws they can't wait IN THE WAITING ROOM.

Weezy56 · July 2014

cozybluebear said:
As for the delivery room... your vagina, your choice! To be honest though, once it's time to push, you won't care who is in there. I didn't want my MIL in the room either but my husband asked me at the last second and I caved. I didn't even know she was there. You have to keep in mind that it's your husband's baby too and you'll have to be a little considerate. I made it clear that I wanted alone time with the baby and our family stayed in the waiting room and respected that for as long as we needed. They waited 9 months, they can wait an hour.

All I'm saying is you need to be considerate of your husband's feelings. It's not a bad thing that everyone wants to show their happiness for you and meet baby.

I don't see how she's not being considerate. They can show their happiness without witnessing her half naked and spread eagle on a bed with all shame out the window and then immediately handling her baby without giving her time to regroup and refresh. Like PPs said, the baby doesn't suddenly go stale after an hour. LO will still be there.

PrimRoseMama · July 2014

I'm Team You. You're the one with your lady bits exposed & doing the hard work. I say the mom in labor gets complete control over who is there to see all the gory details.

Tell your husband next time he pushes a baby out of his vagina he gets a say. I never understand the husbands digging their heels in about this.

MrMrsandBaby · July 2014

PP's mentioned it but I will start with the fact that labor can take hours - sometimes 24 or more - so having an entire waiting room full of people is just silly. For that group, I think a fair compromise would be for your husband to call once the baby is born so they can come up when they are available. It will likely give you all the time you need (unless they drop everything and rush up to the hospital) to have skin to skin, etc. FWIW, I didn't shower until the day after DD was born - just didn't have the energy!

As for mothers in the room, I'm a little different. I can see his side of this. It is his child being born too, and it is a really special moment. I think the best thing is to compromise, and unfortunately in this case it may be both or neither. But it may be that your mom is there during the delivery and his mom comes in right after, during your skin to skin. Maybe have both there during the labor but when pushing starts they both leave? There are options other than all or nothing. Check with your OB/hospital, mine only allowed two support people, one being my husband, so both moms wasn't even an option.

Final note: You don't have to let ANYONE hold the baby! You can just smile when they come visit and keep that little one in your arms

And a lot of hospitals have a limit on visitors so it isn't like they can all be in there at once right!

makaelashook2 · July 2014

Honestly, tell him to get over it. He needs to understand that this birth has to be your way, that it's you that is exposed, and needs to be comfortable. This is not negotiable. I went through sort of the same thing with my husband but I got it worked out because of course, if mama's not happy, no one will be.

Good luck.

usernewname · July 2014

Your vag. Your call.

It's really not up for discussion.

I felt awkward enough with hubby and 2 midwives as I sat in the tub and pushed.

MMason12 · July 2014

mamakate12345 said:

Tell him to grow his own vagina to show his own family. I wouldn't even negotiate on this one.

This!

It is our baby but it is 100% my vag. There is no way that someone I am uncomfortable with is going to be in that room when I am giving birth unless I say so. If I want my Mom there, by goodness, she is going to be there. I HATE this "well, then my Mom should be there too" attitude. No, you are not squeezing a baby out of your crotch, I am! Almost everyone will tell you it is different being the Mom to a boy verse being a Mom to a girl.

There is no way I would give on that portion. I would put my foot down that my Mom will be in the room and his Mom won't be. Period.

As for the rest -- I would sit down and explain how important the other things are to you. You really shouldn't care if they are down in the waiting room, but explain they will need to wait at least an hour -- or two -- after birth before seeing you guys. It's not like the baby is going to age much in the two hours where they are missing a whole bunch!

Disneygeek77 · July 2014

I could see his point if you were purposely leaving his mother out of the room out of spite or to be mean. However, that does not seem to be the case and I think you want your mother there because she can give you comfort and support in a way that your husband can't. Since you are the one that will be going through the most uncomfortable pain in your life, then this is your decision, not his. You are the patient and are more than a vessel through which the baby comes forth. You have your own comforts, desires and tolerances and those reign supreme in this case. This is birth a medical procedure and not a spectator sport. What you want is more important than what he wants in this situation.

If I were you, I would put my foot down and say that you are doing what is best for YOU in the situation and you don't really care if he is mad at you.

Unknown · July 2014

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Lchanek · July 2014

For my first, MIL didn't come until later in the evening. My mom sat in room until it was time to push and then the nurses made her leave. Second time around was a bit different with the boy being sick so I decided last minute to let everyone stay for the birth. Only because we didn't know what his health would be like, it was actually great having the in laws there; for my husband. They went with him to the NICU and I'm sure were extremely supportive during that time. My third we didn't tell anyone until I was in active labor, they didn't make it until she was already born. I think we'll go that route again this time.
My SIL made everyone leave for about 45 minutes and then she allowed grandparents in first, brothers, nieces and nephews and then everyone else. It kinda sucked being the only one out of my family not seeing the baby when they did but that's what she wanted. No one should ask to hold the baby, you should offer.

Dani0329 · July 2014

I agree with PP. My MIL hinted at wanting to be in the room and encouraged me to allow my Mom in the room. I have an amazing relationship with both my Mom and MIL and just said I didn't feel comfortable and it would be DH and I in the room. That being said if I wanted my Mom in the room, DH would have to be okay with that... Ask DH if he would feel comfortable with his junk exposed to your Mom while trying to do one of the most painful things people experience in a lifetime?!?! Maybe that would put it in perspective.

As far as the waiting room, I would pull up the articles on skin to skin, breastfeeding importance and explain how you want to take your time with the things that are important for your family. Once that is complete essential visitors will be welcome, and then less essential visitors can follow the next day. I do not think you are being unreasonable. I would keep reminding him that you are pushing that baby out and while you want to celebrate new life with your family you also need to heal and bond.

Raclla · July 2014

Unless your mom can hold his hand while he gets a vasectomy, his mom can't come near your vag.

That whole situation is just not good.
Stand your ground now.

Meery82 · July 2014

Nope. He doesn't get a say. The labor and delivery is about you.

I didn't want anyone in the room besides DH (and the medical staff). Fortunately, no one was rude enough to dispute it.

Cat&S · July 2014

Everyone else has pretty much said it about delivery (your labor, your choice), but that first hour or two is essential to bonding and breastfeeding, if you intend to. At my hospital, mom gets baby skin to skin for the first hour, period. You don't want everyone and his brother interrupting to hold the baby before you've even established feeding and bonding. Completely counterproductive.

allonsyalonso · July 2014

Team your vag, your rules.

You're the patient, by the way. Not your husband. If you tell the nurses that you want your mom there but not your MIL, that's what will happen.

My MIL wanted to be there, but I just wanted DH and that's what I got. No one else needs to see me in labor or pushing out a baby.

I don't think I showered before my parents came to visit, but I definitely showered at some point the next day. And I had my skin to skin time and was able to try to feed him before having visitors.

Having a baby is hard work. Yes, it's your husband's baby, too but you deserve all the consideration during and right after having the baby as far as I'm concerned.

lookame3639 · July 2014

I'm sorry is he the one pushing a child out of his vagina? Is he going to go show his genitals to your family? Just because a baby is coming out doesn't mean that anyone and everyone can see your goods and if your uncomfortable with his mom in the room then he needs to respect that, and his mom needs to respect that as well. You're already "on display" and drs are shoving fingers up you for cervical checks ect adding one other person to the mix that your not comfortable with...no! He doesn't get to tell you who is allowed in the birthing room when your crotch is on display. This is a hill i would stake out and die on if i had to.

visitors after birth should be a sit down conversation and you two should come up with a compromise.

526SadieSadie · July 2014

IMO, your DH is being entirely selfish. Giving birth needs to be all about YOU. If you aren't comfortable with his mother in the room, she's not allowed in there. If you want your mother's support, she damn well better be there with you. First of all, I don't think they'd even allow three extra people in the delivery room.

Secondly, depending on your hospital, there might be no "waiting room" where family can sit and wait. It's not like the movies. Where I had my daughter is a huge hospital specializing in women and infants but there is no waiting room as such. The nurse on duty is in charge of whether or not someone else can sit and wait in a hallway near delivery, for security reasons. My father was at the hospital the night I gave birth; he was allowed to wait in the hallway when two of the nurses were in charge, the third one made him go wait in the cafeteria.

If you haven't resolved it by the time you're in L&D, get the nurses on your side. Let them be the bad guys who tell your MIL she's not allowed.

Advocate for yourself. It needs to be all about you.

adamstentzel · July 2014

I would do some research and see what your hospitals policies are on number of visitors and visiting hours. That may answer a lot of your questions for you and DH before you start negotiating. I know my DHs family and then some of mine started pushing for being allowed to sit in the waiting room so they could come up immediately and see the baby, which I was not comfortable with. But my LO was born at about 1 in the morning so no one was allowed to visit for at least 9 hours (which was great!). Plus no one can just walk up for a visit until you let the hospital staff know you are ready. But we also didn't tell anyone I was in labor and just called the parents afterward to tell them they had a new granddaughter, told them what time they could come, and let them spread the word to everyone else.

MNdesigner · July 2014

Popping over from August 14 here... I agree with everyone else. YOU are the patient, and though birth is a natural thing, etc, etc, this is a hospital/medical situation, not a party. Plus, you really need to be able to relax and focus during L & D, for the good of the baby and yourself.

In most hospitals (if it came to this, which hopefully it won't) you can tell the nurses exactly who you want and don't want in the room, and they will gladly play the bad guy on your behalf.

uksteph11 · July 2014

My husband and I had this exact same argument for weeks. He wanted his mom in the room for the delivery and all of his family (a very large family, by the way) to come in immediately after. I tried explaining how uncomfortable it would be for me to have his mom in there while I was "on display." His response was that it was "no big deal because no one would be looking at me, they would be focused on the baby." After endless arguments, I finally told him that I would be fine with his mom being in the room as long as he agreed to also be naked from the waist down during the delivery. I explained to him that it would b no big deal since no one would be looking at him , but focusing on the baby

Needless to say, he quickly saw my point and only him and my mom will be in the delivery room. He also eventually came around regarding his family visiting.

Meery82 · July 2014

It is just mind boggling to me that anyone would argue with the MTB about who she allows in the room. Giving birth is a very private, personal experience, not a fucking sideshow act. WTF.

Justabean3 · July 2014

I had to explain it to DH like this:

I wouldn't expect my mother to be in the room after he has surgery but I totally understand his mom in there

This is about you and needing support of your own mom for YOU and not the baby. Yes she will see the baby but her purpose there is not for the birth itself but to support you. Your girl parts and everything else will be exposed... Bottom line is HIS mother has no business seeing that if you don't want her too..

As far as family being there and ready to pounce just tell the nurses, they will advocate for you with this.

Rosebean · July 2014

I don't get why men completely do not understand the level of pain and stress a woman has to go through to give birth. He needs to watch some L&D videos to see what exactly you will be going through. Some men just get so worked up over the details that they miss out on the realization of how painful this will be for you until you are in the moment. I can guarantee you that if you were in the middle of a horrible contraction and yelled at your MIL to GTFO, he wouldn't be arguing with you then... Not unless he wanted to lose an appendage. Give him a reality check. Have him watch some videos and tell him how intimate this is for you. There are also so many possibilities: fast labor too fast for anyone to show up to, long labor that could take days, a c-section (which only YH would be allowed in for). My hospital shut down the maternity ward when I had DS. It was flu season and they accepted zero visitors. Everyone had to wait 3 days to meet our son. Goes to show how you can't anticipate how things will go.

str13 · July 2014

With my first people just kept coming in right after I have birth. It was awful. I just wanted it to be peaceful with baby. But everyone kept taking her to hold her, I had no fight in me because I was exhausted, it was either snatch her back or give in. MIL asked if I had "ripped" giving birth and while I was still trying to nurse one aunt came in and told me I wasn't nursing baby right.
Therefore this time I'm not taking any company until the next day or maybe even when I'm home.
Also you're doing something huge, have whoever makes you feel comfortable around you.

roxy531261 · July 2014

My DH and I already agreed to just be the two of us in the delivery room and then he started thinking everyone was going to be sitting there all night and then come right in to see the baby even if i didn't want them there or wasn't ready for them to be there b/c "its his baby too". I ended this argument with my DH with this simple statement, maybe it was bitchy, don't care, got my point across "I am the patient, you are just someone standing there. I can kick you out if i want and there is nothing you can do about it your son or not. I decide who gets a bracelet. So if someone thinks they are going to come visit and be rude or disrespectful to me then you can all sit in the hallway outside the unit together"

krgriffin26 · July 2014

Lurking from N14. I told DH a long time ago that the only people that can be in the room are the people who made this LO and the people that made me.

DH mentioned in the begining that he would like his mom in the room but I quickly shut that down. Plus it kinda helps that my mom is the most calming person to be around ever and his mom is a basket of nerves lol It's pretty bad that I would be willing to ask my dad to hold my hand before MIL if my mom couldn't make it.

hopanka · July 2014

cozybluebear said:
As for the delivery room... your vagina, your choice! To be honest though, once it's time to push, you won't care who is in there. I didn't want my MIL in the room either but my husband asked me at the last second and I caved. I didn't even know she was there. You have to keep in mind that it's your husband's baby too and you'll have to be a little considerate. I made it clear that I wanted alone time with the baby and our family stayed in the waiting room and respected that for as long as we needed. They waited 9 months, they can wait an hour.

All I'm saying is you need to be considerate of your husband's feelings. It's not a bad thing that everyone wants to show their happiness for you and meet baby.

Honestly, that was a low blow on your H's part to wait until you could not think clearly. I would feel violated. Your wish doesnt mean much to him? Also, not everyone will lose all their inhibitions during labor. I absolutely cared what was happening, even during the toughest times when I thought I would lose counciousness. It is not the same for everyone when it comes to privacy.

RedBaramid · July 2014

Your vagina, your birth. Nurses will 100% listen to you first. If you are explicit when you very first walk in (and at shift changes) and say "no one is to be here but xyz" they will be the best bouncers in the world. If you and DH can't seem to come to a head I would send his ass out for ice chips and have a little chat with the nurse while he is away.

Sadly it's MY family that is pushing to be there when I push, but DH and still have had many conversations on the topic of who comes when, because he was sort of under the impression that after the baby was out, we could host a party.

LucilleAustero · July 2014

Your husband is a douchebag.

You are the patient, you get the say of you can be with you when you deliver and who can visit when you are in your room.

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