Shower Etiquette WWYD?

KMW08 · July 2014

I'm in a tough position regarding 1 person on my guest list. It's my BIL's maybe/baby-mama.

Long story short: I don't like her, she doesn't like me. Their first baby-we don't even know if it is my bil's & they say they had paternity testing, but NOBODY has seen the results. They're ku again, due September. I haven't heard anything about a shower for them -- there wasn't one for the first.

I feel awkward inviting her, but I think it'll be just as awkward if I don't. I feel like if she comes she'll be more jealous of all my gifts. But I also feel she'll make a big deal if she isn't invited.

WWYD? Suck it up & invite her or don't invite her?

From dh, he doesn't care. His relationship with his brother is already strained and he is camp idgaf if we piss them off or not.

MrsTuna08 · July 2014

I probably wouldn't invite her. How does she get along with the other people who will be at the shower? If she's at all the other family functions and it would be a really obvious snub, I might consider inviting her. But really, it's your shower and you don't need to invite anyone you don't get along with. If she's going to be pissy either way, leave her off the list and enjoy your party!

missnacholover · July 2014

If your DH has a strained relationship with BIL, I probably wouldn't invite her. The only thing would be if that would make the relationship even worse for the two of them.

runningmama14 · July 2014

If it's dh's family that is hosting the shower, I would double check with them and be more inclined to invite her. If it's not, then I wouldn't invite her.

mtusnow · July 2014

My gut reaction based onwhat you said is don't invite, butI know things with family can be complicated. Is there another family memberyou could ask for advice like MIL?

KMW08 · July 2014

My family is hosting. She does come to all my IL's family functions, so it would be a definite obvious snub.

I never got a story, but she nor bil invited us to the 1st baby's 1st bday party. I don't know if invites were sent or if it was just word of mouth.We knew of it because of my mil & my mil was a bit pissed that dh didn't at least show up, we sent a gift with my IL's. Never got a thank you either.

I'm not sure how it would further affect the family dynamic between dh & his brother.

I think talking to my mil, my mom and more with dh would is a good idea.

I just feel damned if I do, damned if I don't.

AnnieRoo13 · July 2014

SarahMaureenF said:
If it would be an obvious snub, I would invite her. Maybe I'm in the minority here, but I never think that excluding family (I know she's questionably in this category) is a good idea. Especially if she comes to all other events at your ILs'.

I agree with all this. I think it would be easier to invite her and avoid any issues than not invite her. Maybe she won't come anyway!

Family is tough. I think generally you should invite them despite any conflicts. That being said I have left two of my aunts and a cousin off my invite list because I haven't seen them or heard from them since my mom died 5 years ago. They don't invite my brother and I to any family occasions and they haven't reached out in so long that I really don't feel the need to invite them.

carafern · July 2014

It occurred to me reading this that I might have a similar situation with my brother's baby mama. If it were up to me I wouldn't invite her (not because I don't like her but because I don't really know her well and it would be awkward), but I'm not the one throwing the shower…who is the actual host of your shower? Maybe they should make the final decision and then its not you who is responsible? Or maybe it doesn't work like that. I'm a FTM so I'm still not sure of the rules.

cindyNmark2010 · July 2014

If I knew her not being there would cause family tension I would probably just suck it up and invite her. Just try to separate yourself from the fact that she's there, be civil and leave it at that. I'd rather have her there than have her or MIL hold it over my head in the future.

minibean16 · July 2014

I would invite her, and then leave the proverbial ball in her court. She would decide if she was comfortable coming, and in the future she might think twice about excluding you and your H from family occasions.

jj0313 · July 2014

I don't know if you should invite her or not but wanted to say if your BIL says the baby is his and they had paternity tests done the case is closed. It's absolutely none of your or anyone else in the family's business to see the results. You are entitled to nothing more than his word.

carcrashheart · July 2014

SarahMaureenF said:
If it would be an obvious snub, I would invite her. Maybe I'm in the minority here, but I never think that excluding family (I know she's questionably in this category) is a good idea. Especially if she comes to all other events at your ILs'.

This.

You're assuming she would be jealous of you. Maybe she doesn't give a rats ass. Try not to be so proud of yourself and assume that others are jealous. If she had one baby already then unless she got rid of her stuff she wouldn't need it now. It's not an option for us to exclude family. If they don't show up, that's their decision. But everyone is invited. Even family that may not be particularly liked.

justjinny · July 2014

The passive aggressive way to go would be to send the invite to her really late... She would still be invited but may already have plans. But unless you have a solid reason for not inviting her, I don't really see what the big deal is to ask her to come

KMW08 · July 2014

carcrashheart said:

SarahMaureenF said:
If it would be an obvious snub, I would invite her. Maybe I'm in the minority here, but I never think that excluding family (I know she's questionably in this category) is a good idea. Especially if she comes to all other events at your ILs'.
This.

You're assuming she would be jealous of you. Maybe she doesn't give a rats ass. Try not to be so proud of yourself and assume that others are jealous. If she had one baby already then unless she got rid of her stuff she wouldn't need it now. It's not an option for us to exclude family. If they don't show up, that's their decision. But everyone is invited. Even family that may not be particularly liked.

I hope what's bolded is true. I know better though *sigh* and for the record, she's not family. She might be who my bil chooses, but until she gets divorced & her and bil get married, she's not family.

I know I sound incredibly bitchy towards her but I strongly dislike her. She's done/said some pretty hateful stuff to me and admitted to my mil she did what I said. And although I don't seem very polite towards her on here, I'm actually very civil in person.

silverwings72 · July 2014

I vote invite her and be the bigger woman. This olive branch may help DH and his brother begin to repair their relationship.

absolutelymaybe · July 2014

First off, your post kind of rubs me the wrong way. No matter how horrible this woman is, her and BIL don't owe the family a hard copied paternity test. Secondly, the fact you say she won't be family until they are married is kind of an insult to people with domestic partners or have otherwise chosen to not get married. I'm sure you didn't mean it that way -- it sounds like you have a lot of animosity toward her -- but remember how things can be taken.

I would honestly just invite her. There will be plenty of other people to pay attention to. If she's rude to you, ignore her and move on. Unless she's going to do something completely off the wall and ruin the party, be the bigger person.

JustJainey · July 2014

It sounds like from your description that your ILs do see her as a member of their family if she is invited to all the gatherings and attends. So, you can either stand on the justification of how "right" you feel or you could perhaps take the high road and not add more fuel to this fire by including her. Who knows, she may not even attend.

KMW08 · July 2014

WildFlower810 said:
What are the reasons TO invite her? Why do you feel obligated? There's obviously a large con column, what is in the pro column that you're thinking outweighs that all?

The pro column is just to be a bigger person and to try not to cause any further dysfunctional family relations.

My IL's invite everyone to all functions. She & bil live together, so she's his +1 and is just invited for his sake. That's the honest truth, my IL's try to play fair but they're not the happiest with her or my bil either.

As for the paternity, my bil really brought that on himself. He claimed for the first few months the baby wasn't his. Then they moved in together & have been living together since she was 7mos pg with the 1st baby. It's been a giant clusterfluck from the start. In my state (MO) you can name your child whatever floats your boat, but because she's married-the birth certificate says unknown on who the father is. BIL was adamant he wanted the birth cert to say his name to have rights - so he was gung-ho on the paternity test--it has to be done to change the birth cert. We (as in dh & my IL's) believe it wasn't done, or it was and bil isn't the father but wanted to continue raising the baby. We are really fine with whatever option - it's not the baby's fault, but everybody would like to know the truth. We understand we have no right to the information & they don't owe it to anybody. But after the whole hoop-la if it were me, I'd be rubbing that bitch(paternity proof) in all of our faces. Maybe I'm just a bigger bitch LOL.

@absolutelymaybe‌ definitely not how I meant the married thing to come across. Even if they get married I don't think I will ever call or refer to her as family. If I do, it'll be YEARS down the road. So yes, I worded that poorly above.

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