Aw: leaving job for SAHM Q's

AandStilltrying · July 2014

Ok everybody, I REALLY need some LGBT advice on this one given my job.

I'm an elem. School music teacher. Been teaching 8 years. We decided if it was 2+ kids I would stop teaching to be a SAHM as my check would only cover daycare and we both HATE the idea of daycare at 6 weeks old.

As you know Sarah is carrying our twinkies and not me. So, while for those who are the preg one being SAHM, it was an easier transition with less questions. I am not totally OUT at school. I don't hide it, but didn't want my sexuality to define me as a teacher as there are some rather crazy ideas about gay people being teachers. All of my close co-workers know, but I'm not out to my boss. Who let me also say has it OUT for pregnant people. She makes life miserable for them. Extra work and duties, makes you move rooms, observes you for review when she knows you're struggling just because.

My plan is step out of my teaching role Dec. 31st at the end of the year and payroll period. We are a year round single track school. This will also be our track out. She will have
Until Jan. 27th to have new person hired and ready to go.

So question is...I HAVE to give a 30 day notice at minimum, but feel I need to tell her earlier so that I can come back to county to teach later on in a few years. When do I tell her and how? What would you say and how?

I'm seriously loosing sleep over this. She is a 51 year old African American southern super old school church involved lady.

Hope that gave you enough background info to help. Thank you for reading and your advice.

CageyMack · July 2014

First, I want to say that I feel for your stress; I, too, have felt the pressures of being a pregnant working lady and how to deal with it, etc. Women with children face lots of pressures in the workforce.

I, personally, probably would only give the 30 days notice. Do so extremely graciously, and if you don't want to come out to her, don't. If you want to explain a bit, do so, but don't feel obligated. If she hasn't asked after your personal life, don't feel you need to share it. If you do want to provide some reason, simply state that your family needs have changed and you and your spouse have decided that it would be best for you to be at home. If she asks why, I would be vague. You don't owe her anything beyond the 30 days. If you want to stay in her good graces, offer to be available by phone and email for 30 or 60 days (or whatever is right for you) after to support a new person. Flatter her, be "sad" that you have to leave, whatever it takes for her to feel like you are a "good employee." Sucks to have to do that, but sometimes work requires it.

Good luck!

Karlamo · July 2014

Hope you don't mind me adding my 2 cents $:\$ ">
I also was the non carrying partner and my co-workers didn't know my wife was prego till she was 7 months along. AND we live in Mass! It's easy to "pass" when we're not the ones showing:)
To answer your question, I think it depends on your goal. Are you looking to come out to your work or are you looking to bow out gracefully while keeping your private life private?
If it's the latter, I would suggest giving the amount of notice you want to give and if asked the reason tell her you're planning to adopt and will be a SAHM. I've used the "I'm adopting" line with my insurance company before. It's not a lie I did have to adopt. I was just adopting my own kids. Which is a whole other conversation.

AandStilltrying · July 2014

@Karlamo‌ I don't want to have to come out to her. I've seen being out and a teacher go both ways. Had it been at my old school it would have been really easy to say my wife and I are having kids as he was a gay principal who was almost fired and has his life dictated by "the board" about his husband coming to the school and so on! It burns me.

All my straight friends are telling me to tell her now which I didn't feel comfortable with in case something goes wrong with the pregnancy. My thought was nov. 5...that gives a full 30 working days before I leave despite my official 30 day being dec. 2nd.

I feel that's giving her a ton of extra time.

but I keep 2nd guessing my choice as I do WANT to come back to teaching in about 5 years.

JGY · July 2014

Is there any way that you could get away with saying something like the following?

I regret to tell you that I have to turn in my resignation, effective x date. Please know that I have loved working here, and that my hope is that I can return in the future when circumstances have changed. But at this time I have some family matters that I need to attend to which will keep me out of the work force for a few years. I have appreciated all of my wonderful experiences here, and I wish the school all my best.

Very vague, no lying, hopefully helps to maintain a good relationship for the future?

It's probably also worth noting that while I don't know the particular situation with you current school, 5 years is an AWFULLY long time and many things can change. It could be a whole new administration by then (and honestly, let's hope it is!). I would beware of displaying more loyalty than might be necessary, to someone who likely would not show the same to you ... at least that's what my experience has been. If you can comfortably give the extra notice, then go ahead - it can't hurt. But don't inconvenience yourself over it.

Good luck! I'm excited for you.

StacyLH24 · July 2014

I agree with what has been said so far...give the proper amount of notice and be vague about your reason for leaving. Truthfully, you don't have to provide any reason.

AandStilltrying · July 2014

Chances of my getting back into my position at same school are slim, but she has to put a letter in my file at HR when I leave. Other principals will reach out to her advice on hiring me.

Thank you all for pointing me in the right direction! It reaffirmed my initial thoughts that went off track when my straight friends said no you're not giving her enough notice!

Praying we make it to this! Sarah's still bleeding.

but if you looked at our pip post she IS growing.

Aw: leaving job for SAHM Q's

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