What would you do about this?

hmd · July 2014

MIL comes to our house and watches the kids once/week. She has made comments before about bringing her yardstick, which have made me uncomfortable, but I don't know that she has ever spanked the kids. I am sure they would have told me. I know she has told me that she has put them in time out.

Yesterday, she told me my baby threw a temper tantrum and made a comment about bringing a spray bottle. Really? He is not a dog.

I have always been hesitant to have her watch the boys anyway, and I would like to get out of the situation if I can. This fall, DS1 will be in school all day and DS2 will be in school half day, which only leaves the baby.

I am pretty sure if DH said something to her, she would take offense. My mom watches the boys the other two days, and I know she would watch them the other day if I asked.

What would you do?

Disneygeek77 · July 2014

She would be gone. I don't care who you are or what genetic link you might have to my children, you don't spank and you certainly don't spray a baby with water in the face.

I also wouldn't give a crap if she took offense. MY children's well being are more important than her feelings.

Disneygeek77 · July 2014

I also want to say that my grandfather married a horrible woman that was verbally abusive to us kids and my parents did nothing to stop it. Nope, they were more concerned with rocking the boat than protecting their children.

I am 36 years old and I still have a lot of anger towards my parents for that. One time I asked my mom why they let her treat us like that and she said it was the worse parenting mistake she ever made. If she could go back in time, she would have demanded that the horrible woman be cut out of our lives when I was a baby.

penguingrrl · July 2014

Was she joking or being serious? If she's serious she would never again see my kids unsupervised.

Disneygeek77 · July 2014

Leftie22 said:

If you want to get out of it and think she might really spank them or spray them - get the hell out!! No excuses needed, and no need to worry about her feelings. Having an offended MIL is no big deal. Having a kid get spanked or sprayed with water is a HUGE deal. Put your kids first and give your MIL the boot. And who even thinks about spraying a toddler with water?? She doesn't sound like a safe person to leave in charge. I hope your DH can fire her without too much drama.

Not even a toddler, an 8 month old. She wants to spray the 8 month old in the face because he was upset about something.

Whoops, never mind. I read wrong. Sorry.

sschwege · July 2014

penguingrrl said:

Was she joking or being serious? If she's serious she would never again see my kids unsupervised.

This!

You know her and it seems your instincts are telling you something is wrong, trust them!!!!

raraavis28 · July 2014

penguingrrl said:
Was she joking or being serious? If she's serious she would never again see my kids unsupervised.

This. Anyone watching the kids regularly, family or not, would have to be on the same page w/ me discipline-wise. It sounds like you either need to have a conversation w/ your MIL about how you expect certain things to be handled, or just stop asking her to watch the kids. And if it was a joke, it sure isn't a funny joke.....

orangegoggles · July 2014

Yea, its hard to tell if she was "joking" or not. However, I would just flat out tell her that those types of comments are not welcomed in your home and you would prefer she didn't watch them unsupervised. Actually I would have my DH handle it since it is his family. When we need to discuss something it is always My family=me, DH's family=him.

lexusolsen · July 2014

I would find a new arrangement quickly and never leave them unsupervised with her again.

hmd · July 2014

penguingrrl said:

Was she joking or being serious? If she's serious she would never again see my kids unsupervised.

I guess this is what I am trying to determine. She says stuff about the yard stick, but I don't think she has ever hit them. So I am not sure if she was joking or not. She is not really a mean person. She is just different. And I don't agree with a lot of her views or opinions.

I didn't know if we should bother to talk with her or if I should just go ahead and use this as the excuse (but with valid reason) to get out of this situation.

superToots · July 2014

Get a new sitter. Especially after what @Disneygeek77‌ said. That just breaks my heart.

lexusolsen · July 2014

hmd said:

penguingrrl said:

Was she joking or being serious? If she's serious she would never again see my kids unsupervised.

I guess this is what I am trying to determine. She says stuff about the yard stick, but I don't think she has ever hit them. So I am not sure if she was joking or not. She is not really a mean person. She is just different. And I don't agree with a lot of her views or opinions.

I didn't know if we should bother to talk with her or if I should just go ahead and use this as the excuse (but with valid reason) to get out of this situation.

I would just figure out something else. It's probably better if you talk to her about why but I think the main thing is you don't trust her. I wouldn't either.

sschwege · July 2014

hmd said:

penguingrrl said:

Was she joking or being serious? If she's serious she would never again see my kids unsupervised.

I guess this is what I am trying to determine. She says stuff about the yard stick, but I don't think she has ever hit them. So I am not sure if she was joking or not. She is not really a mean person. She is just different. And I don't agree with a lot of her views or opinions.
I didn't know if we should bother to talk with her or if I should just go ahead and use this as the excuse (but with valid reason) to get out of this situation.

Here's what I think, if you thought it was a joke you wouldn't be posting this at all and you wouldn't be thinking of alternate childcare options. I don't think it's even a matter of whether she would ever hit your children, but that you are uncomfortable with the situation and that's all you need! Trust your instincts Mama!

penguingrrl · July 2014

If she's just odd and it was a passing comment but she would never hit the kids then I guess you have to consider whether taking "her" time away from them is worth the cost. Will losing their alone time with their grandmother hurt your kids? Will it strain her relationship with DH? DHs relationship with you? Her relationship with you?

I say that because I think being exposed to different view points and different techniques of dealing with children can be a good thing for kids. Regardless of how you feel she is their grandmother. She raised their father and clearly did at least something right if you're happily married to him. No longer allowing her to babysit could have some serious ramifications in the family and I wouldn't want your kids to lose a great relationship with their grandmother over differing opinions.

Obviously none of that is important if she is using inappropriate punishments. At that point you need to put the well being of your children above all else and she can't babysit for them ever again.

I would talk to her and your older two children and find out if she has ever hit them, sprayed water, etc. If she is upfront and says she has then game over. If it turns out that she was only joking I might just let her know you don't find jokes like that funny and keep close track of what goes on while she's there (7 year olds are fantastic spies and will tell you everything, or at least mine is!).

lexusolsen · July 2014

I get what you are saying but if she is mentioning and or threatening the kids with this type of punishments that isn't acceptable either. This isn't an occasional sitter, it sounds like op uses her as regular care. It wouldn't be ok for any other dcp to treat her kids this way, why mil?

rosesandpetals · July 2014

hmd said:

penguingrrl said:

Was she joking or being serious? If she's serious she would never again see my kids unsupervised.

I guess this is what I am trying to determine. She says stuff about the yard stick, but I don't think she has ever hit them. So I am not sure if she was joking or not. She is not really a mean person. She is just different. And I don't agree with a lot of her views or opinions.
I didn't know if we should bother to talk with her or if I should just go ahead and use this as the excuse (but with valid reason) to get out of this situation.

My FIL has told DD that he was going to go get his paddle if she didn't stop doing x,y,z. It never once crossed my mind that even maybe he could be serious. While that type of comment rubs me the wrong way, it's just how he plays with her. If you think it may be true, you should listen to your instincts.

Plus, if you have another arrangement that works, why spend all day worrying about them when they could be somewhere you *know* they are safe? I vote for sending them with your mom.

Arnegard · July 2014

I wouldn't be one to hear those statements and not react. If she said something about a spray bottle, I would tell her that it isn't a cat jumping on the table, this was my baby and her grand child!

As far as paddling, I would comment as well that we do not hit for discipline.

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