Am I being unreasonable?

BlckRoses · July 2014

Ok, I'll try to make this short, but I need to know if I'm being unreasonable or if my ILs are being unreasonable or if we're all out of our minds.

SIL is getting married 4 weeks after my due date in Hawaii, which is at least a 6 hour flight from AZ. I was sad that we weren't going to be able to to go, but DH and I have been pretty up front about that fact that we'd love to go but can't, since she announced the date. She booked the date knowing I am pregnant and when we are due. I never expected anyone to change their plans to accommodate my choices.

We have also been invited to a wedding in Las Vegas (5 hour drive, 1 hour flight) end of October, 2 months after due date. We are planning on going and leaving the baby with my parents. We will be gone for this trip for 2 nights, Sat-Mon.

Suddenly, MIL is telling DH that SIL is going to be upset if he doesn't go to her wedding since we're going to Vegas end of October. Now, I'm a FTM and I keep thinking about all the things that could possibly go wrong and how it may be totally ok for DH to go to Hawaii for 3 days 3 weeks after baby is born. But, it's also possible I'll have a c-section, or baby will be late, or baby has issues, or I have issues, or something happens. There's a million what ifs, and I we won't know until much closer to the wedding and then tickets will be insanely expensive. Also, my parents will be out of town the same weekend as the wedding, so I'll have limited support if he goes. I'm very nervous about being alone with the baby at 3 weeks old, I don't know anything about babies and rely heavily on DH to help me through things like this.

I'm trying to work with the situation and have my BFF come in from California for the weekend of SIL's wedding, she has nannied for years and will be a huge support system for me and be able to actually assist. However, if she can't get the time off work to come help me, I don't want DH to go. He tells MIL this last night and she says that if he doesn't go to Hawaii, we shouldn't go to Las Vegas more than a month later.

Is it totally unreasonable? I think there's a huge difference in a 3 week old baby and a 2 month old baby. Also, my parents are available to watch baby for the trip at 2 months old, and if something terrible happened, we could be home in 3 hours TOPS. If something happened when DH was in Hawaii, it would be closer to 12 hours until he could be home. Should I just suck it up and have DH book a ticket to Hawaii and deal? Or should I stick to my guns and put the focus on my new little family first?

Peaece13 · July 2014

What does your DH want to do? If he would prefer to stay home, then he should stay. If he wants to go I might would try to work something out. MIL shouldn't get to dictate whether you go to the later wedding or not...

boymomstrong · July 2014

For my husbands sister i would tell him to go to the wedding! You cant be there and your going to have to be alone at some time, but i would also tell MIL to shove it ab the wedding in October... Thats your choice and not hers and also way more reasonable...
Good luck with your choice!

kareik01 · July 2014

I'm completely on your side here.

I agree that there's a huge difference in a 3 week old and a two month old, not to mention the difference in your health and skills as a new mother.

I understand why they're upset, I wouldn't want my brother to miss my wedding either. But considering the due date of your baby can't be rearranged, whereas the wedding could have been, I don't think they can blame you for the decision you've made.

I guess I'd leave it up to your hubby if he thinks he should go or not. If he thinks it'll be a huge family drama/issue then maybe he should just go. But I, like you, would much rather have him home with you and baby. And I can't imagine he'd be happy leaving you at home so soon, even for just a few days.

This is you, your health, and your family. Don't let anyone pressure you into something if you're not comfortable with it. Your MIL was a FTM at one point...I'd hope she'd understand and respect your wishes.

lexxctpx · July 2014

You're not being unreasonable. I think any reasonable person would make the same call.

Stick to yo guns!

CanadianintheSouth · July 2014

No you are not being unreasonable at all. Also is it just MIL that is upset? How does SIL feel?

RunningJ · July 2014

You're not being unreasonable. I can totally understand your reservations. It sounds like you are being accommodating even, by trying to get your BFF to come out to help during that time. For me, it would just be a no-go regardless at that point in time.

One thing that might help from my experience with stuff like this (or maybe not, could be that they're just being unreasonable) would be to be aware of how your DH is phrasing things. If he's saying that YOU are not comfortable with it and YOU don't want him to go, etc...sometimes that can set up the IL's to push back a bit more. My DH has become pretty good at phrasing things to his parents in terms of "WE are not comfortable" or "I don't want to be away from my family at that point", etc. The fact that MIL is mentioning the October wedding is pretty silly in my mind, and it would bother me too.

If I was you, I'd stick to my guns. Good luck!

babypants11 · July 2014

While I don't think you are being unreasonable, I also think you will be fine for three days on your own with the baby.

And don't be mad, but I also think you are not going to want to leave the baby in October for two nights.

mercedesbenz802 · July 2014

I do not think you are being unreasonable. my brother could not make it to my wedding and I was sad that he was not physically there but we did have him skype on my dads laptop and my God Father held the laptop for us. There are ways around it like facetime, sykpe or voodoo.

MandMLeona · July 2014

The two events are not connected. Going to the second one does not obligate you to go to the first. You've been up front about everything. You didn't spring anything on anyone. I'd probably have DH make a call to his sister to make sure she was getting an accurate description of the situation and give her a chance to express any feelings, but I wouldn't change the plans you've had for months.

ebp913 · July 2014

babypants11 said:

While I don't think you are being unreasonable, I also think you will be fine for three days on your own with the baby. And don't be mad, but I also think you are not going to want to leave the baby in October for two nights.

This.

HalseytoBe · July 2014

I think you need to do whatever you an your husband are most comfortable with. You guys are first time parents and have no idea how things will be with your baby, and every baby is different! You have to plan accordingly- if you have a great easy baby you'll be able to get lots Of sleep. If you have a fussier baby- then you'll be glad you chose not to go. Ultimately, I think you and your husband need to make the ultimate decision rather than allowing your MIL to dictate what takes place. A three week old baby is a lot different than a 2 month old baby.

ETA: posted too soon.

shevaCC · July 2014

babypants11 said:

While I don't think you are being unreasonable, I also think you will be fine for three days on your own with the baby. And don't be mad, but I also think you are not going to want to leave the baby in October for two nights.

This is where I'm at. I would ask your DH what he would like to do (assuming the likely scenario that you and baby will be just fine). Then have your DH talk to his sister directly. If your DH wants to go to the wedding, then buy his ticket now. If it makes you feel better, then also buy travel insurance for that ticket in the unlikely event that things are going badly at home and he has to cancel. If your DH would rather stay home with his new family, then he needs to tell SIL and MIL that he has made his decision and neither of you should feel bad about it.

What your plans are for the October wedding are immaterial to this discussion. But...as @babypants11 says, you might not want to leave your baby for 2 nights in October. Many of my friends had trouble leaving their 6+ month olds for that long. Not that you shouldn't go, but just something to keep in mind when making plans.

BlckRoses · July 2014

Thanks for all your feedback, ladies! I'm glad to hear that I'm not totally out of line. I will make sure that DH is taking ownership of the decision and have him discuss with his sister directly. MIL could totally be blowing this out of proportion. DH is in agreement with me, as he wouldn't want me to go if the roles were reversed, but he's a very accommodating person, so it's hard for him to put his foot down.

I know that I would be ok if an emergency came up and DH had to be away and I was alone with the baby for a few days, but with something so planned, it seems silly to bring this up 1 month ahead of my due date.

I have also put a lot of thought into the October trip, and while I know that I probably won't want to leave her for 2 days, I think it'll be good for me and DH to have some time together after baby comes. Also, her grandparents will love the one on one time. But, I know it's going to be hard!

shevaCC · July 2014

Another thing to consider -- I'm flying 2 hours to a wedding in mid-September, which will likely be around 5 weeks post partum for me. My midwives are concerned about my health making that trip even though I've had no pregnancy complications to speak of. A few weeks post partum is when you have the highest risk of blood clots so they want me to wear compression stockings even for that short flight. I'm pretty sure they would have serious concerns about me taking a 6 hour flight. So...if you get any grief about you not traveling, that's yet another serious health concern for you that you can point out to them.

Jenrileysmom · July 2014

ebp913 said:

babypants11 said:

While I don't think you are being unreasonable, I also think you will be fine for three days on your own with the baby. And don't be mad, but I also think you are not going to want to leave the baby in October for two nights.

This.

Not my experience. I went to an out of town wedding for 2 nights when DD was an infant and DH and I had a great time. It was nice to have a little break and some one on one time with DH plus I knew my mother would take good care of DD and was not worried.

pmpkn219 · July 2014

I agree there's a world of difference between 3 weeks and 2 months. Whether H should go is totally up to the two of you, your comfort being alone with the newborn +/- any non-husband supports you may have available to you.

No contest I as the birther, would not be going anywhere that far with a 3 week old (or less). Maybe H could go, but like you said- what if you had a C-section? are you cleared to drive even at 3 weeks (I didn't think so?) Bottom line- I think your plans are reasonable.

ETA: we left J with my mom/stepdad when he was just shy of 3 months, we were a 2 hr drive away, for 2 nights. It was hard, but in hindsight, it was nice to have a little alone time, knowing he was safe and getting plenty of texts/pictures of him chilling and having a good time. Some people don't leave their babes overnight until they're 2 or older, and I think it's SO hard (esp for the parent!) because they've Never done it before, it's total culture shock. Pumping while "on vacation" was lame, but in the end I'm glad we decided to do it, and he was none the wiser for it! he had also already started DC, so I was at least used to being away from him for 8-10 hrs at a stretch, it wasn't first time away EVER, for 2 nights

RachelB104 · July 2014

I'm also a FTM and I would not be comfortable for the 3 nights with DH in Hawaii and my DH wouldn't be comfortable being that far away either. When you are married and have your own family the IL's and Grandparents and everyone else needs to step back and let you have your own little family unless of course there are seriously not good situation (IE abuse). Anyway I also don't think I would feel okay leaving a 2 month old with anyone for 2 nights not because I didn't trust the caregiver, but because I don't think I could emotionally handle it; to each their own. You do what feels right for you. This is your baby and your DH and you and the baby are his and the three of you should come first to each other before any IL's on either side. Good luck and I hope everything works out for the best.

First Time Mommy
Team Blue
EDD 8/20/14

tamarar5 · July 2014

You're right in being upset as everyone else said. Fwiw, my brother didn't come to my wedding even though we made the trip out for his. Shit happens and it's called life. You got pregnant, they picked a date, neither one expected the other to change, so... why is she flipping out now? And who gives a flying crap what friend's weddings you go to! She CERTAINLY does not have the right to dictate your social life.

dogperson11 · July 2014

tamarar5 said:
You're right in being upset as everyone else said. Fwiw, my brother didn't come to my wedding even though we made the trip out for his. Shit happens and it's called life. You got pregnant, they picked a date, neither one expected the other to change, so... why is she flipping out now? And who gives a flying crap what friend's weddings you go to! She CERTAINLY does not have the right to dictate your social life.

This. All this. They chose the date after you were already pregnant, knowing your due date. 1 month before the wedding is not the time to get picky. Also, I'd be willing to bet that it's more your MIL then SIL who is upset about it. It sounds like you're trying to see if you can work it out for DH to go and your friend to help. That's very generous - tickets to Hawaii are NOT cheap and there's no way I would be adding that to our expenses right after having a bag by . Good luck!

Klittle779 · July 2014

Shitty situation. I don't think you should feel bad. They picked the date well after you announced your pregnancy. No one should be expecting you to do anything.. Especially so close to your due date. Emotions are just high on IL's side and with you as well... I imagine everyone prob wants the best of both worlds. Life will go on and hopefully no one has hurt feelings over the decisions. At the end of the day you do what you feel is best for you & your family. Good luck!

FrodaBaggins · July 2014

I say stick to your guns 100%. It's *your* life, *your* new family in a very vulnerable time, and *your* decision.

I am really close with my brothers, and it would have been devastating for me to think that one of them could not attend my wedding. Hence, I would have taken that into consideration when planning the date. If I'd already picked a date and then found out about my SIL's pregnancy, I would change it. I would never have asked one of them to be apart from their newborn for my special day. But that's just me. I think your SIL didn't think it through properly and take your needs into account, which I know you weren't expecting, but I still think she should have/could have done.

As for the wedding in Vegas, your MIL has no say in what you do or don't do, where you travel, etc. And there is a WORLD of difference between a newborn and a 2 month old. I don't think you are being unreasonable!

missmiss307 · July 2014

I personally would not have been able to handle DS1 for three nights by myself at 3 weeks postpartum (I had PPD and PPA, which was undiagnosed at that time). There are a lot of variables that you can't possibly know before your baby is born, and it just seems like a bad idea to assume that all would be fine. It might be, but you have no way to know that, and you don't want to be in a situation where you spend a load of money on a plane ticket to Hawaii that ends up not being used.

PecanSam · July 2014

BlckRoses said:
Ok, I'll try to make this short, but I need to know if I'm being unreasonable or if my ILs are being unreasonable or if we're all out of our minds.

SIL is getting married 4 weeks after my due date in Hawaii, which is at least a 6 hour flight from AZ. I was sad that we weren't going to be able to to go, but DH and I have been pretty up front about that fact that we'd love to go but can't, since she announced the date. She booked the date knowing I am pregnant and when we are due. I never expected anyone to change their plans to accommodate my choices.

We have also been invited to a wedding in Las Vegas (5 hour drive, 1 hour flight) end of October, 2 months after due date. We are planning on going and leaving the baby with my parents. We will be gone for this trip for 2 nights, Sat-Mon.

Suddenly, MIL is telling DH that SIL is going to be upset if he doesn't go to her wedding since we're going to Vegas end of October. Now, I'm a FTM and I keep thinking about all the things that could possibly go wrong and how it may be totally ok for DH to go to Hawaii for 3 days 3 weeks after baby is born. But, it's also possible I'll have a c-section, or baby will be late, or baby has issues, or I have issues, or something happens. There's a million what ifs, and I we won't know until much closer to the wedding and then tickets will be insanely expensive. Also, my parents will be out of town the same weekend as the wedding, so I'll have limited support if he goes. I'm very nervous about being alone with the baby at 3 weeks old, I don't know anything about babies and rely heavily on DH to help me through things like this.

I'm trying to work with the situation and have my BFF come in from California for the weekend of SIL's wedding, she has nannied for years and will be a huge support system for me and be able to actually assist. However, if she can't get the time off work to come help me, I don't want DH to go. He tells MIL this last night and she says that if he doesn't go to Hawaii, we shouldn't go to Las Vegas more than a month later.

Is it totally unreasonable? I think there's a huge difference in a 3 week old baby and a 2 month old baby. Also, my parents are available to watch baby for the trip at 2 months old, and if something terrible happened, we could be home in 3 hours TOPS. If something happened when DH was in Hawaii, it would be closer to 12 hours until he could be home. Should I just suck it up and have DH book a
ticket to Hawaii and deal? Or should I stick to my guns and put the focus on my new little family first?

I would have him buy a refundable ticket. That way, if something happens that it would make him unable to go, no money loss and you aren't buying an outrageous ticket.

I think a wedding is an important thing and you should let DH go.

I wouldn't even go to the Vegas wedding. But that's b/c I breastfeed and I just couldn't leave my baby. I had trouble leaving my baby to go to the grocery store!!! And I trusted DH, I just didn't like being separated from her.

If I could drive to the Vegas wedding and take my baby, then I would go.

Weezy2012 · July 2014

As everyone has been saying, you are not being unreasonable. And I have to completely second @RunningJ‌ 's comment, phrasing is critical. Your MIL sounds like type to hold a grudge and she may forever remember this as the time YOU "forced" her precious son to miss his sisters wedding. You guys are your own family unit now and you need to stick together and make decisions that are best for you.

glaw · July 2014

Honestly you are being VERY nice. I would have been really mad if I were you and DH if SIL planned her wedding out of state, on an island, knowing I was due at the same time. It's like basically saying that she doesn't give a $hit if you or her brother are there or not. And now you are supposed to feel bad and try to accommodate her bc why???? She could have picked another time if she really cared for all of you to be there.

For what it's worth my DH and I got engaged and started planning our wedding when his brother and wife were 5 months pregnant. You bet we specifically made sure to talk to them about when was a good time for them ALL to be there bc they are family and it was important to us. And they only love a 6 hour drive away or 1 hour flight. I couldn't imagine having our wedding right when their baby would be born or expecting them to accommodate our randomly chosen date. It's not like smthg we couldn't control. And again it was important to us that DHs brother be there. Geez it's not like a random distant relative. It's his brother. She could have at least tried to work around your due date.

So not only do I think you're not unreasonable I think your SIL and MIL are huge selfish jerks. I would ask them both why if it's all of a sudden so important for you and DH to be there that they didn't plan the wedding for a time that you could actually be there without risking your or your child's health in this once in a lifetime experience for you and DH.

Short version: Fuck them. DH stays home.

jenniferurs · July 2014

I don't think you're being unreasonable, but I also think you should let DH go. But then, I'm the crazy person going to my best friend's out-of-state wedding 2 weeks after my due date.

Disneygeek77 · July 2014

I wouldn't discuss the Oct wedding with your MIL anymore. If she brings it up say "MIL, we are not discussing this anymore, if you decide to bring it up we will hang up / leave."

What does your husband want to do ? Would he rather be home with you and the baby ? If so, then he should stay home.

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