Trying desperately not to give in but.... (preg/baby mentioned-sort of) **update

bravegrace22 · July 2014

This was seriously the first cycle that I was ignoring "signs" and just focusing on moving forward and looking into future testing/treatment. I, of course, have still been VERY aware of this TWW and, whether subconsciously or not, kind of taking things easy-hangin on to that teeny tiny glimmer of hope cause I can't seem to completely let go. AF is due tomorrow and as I'm typing this I can feel cramps so I'm so not expecting miracles.

Here's the but....

last night i had a dream that i was holding our baby, DH was there and we were introducing it (idk what we had) to our friends and family. i don't remember much of it and to be honest i actively tried to forget about it. Usually I really try to remember dreams and sort of replay them to figure them out, but i wanted to dismiss it as a fluke. I only know that it felt so real; the kind of dream where you wake up and are surprised to be in bed because you could have sworn it was actually happening. *sigh

and tonight when i opened my fortune cookie i saw the back first which had the learn chinese word "doctor" so i huffed thinking "how appropriate, i've seen enough of those lately". flipped it over and read "You will be called in to fulfill a position of high honour and responsibility."

i am not in a job that i would be looking at any kind of promotion or anything like that, so my mind instantly went to motherhood. and then practical me smacked stupid baby brain me so I'd snap out of it.

I know it's all because I want this so badly so now it's invading even my dreams and I'm thinking I'm getting these big magical signs, but o well a girl's gotta have hope, right?

It is taking everything I have to not go POAS right now and I've already made myself a promise to wait until at least the weekend because it seems to only be the quickest way to jump start AF and damn it I refuse to waste another test!

** Well it's workout & whiskey time!! not necessarily in that order. lol Didn't even have time to make it to the store. I'm obv. bummed but way more relieved to just know and not be waiting anymore. Here's what I'm taking away this month:

1. At least my junk seems to be running like a well oiled machine. - I am swiss, maybe that helps out the ol internal clock

2. Time to move on to HSG/Lap;Mammogram; B/W;etc & not worry about a PG while diagnosing everything

3. DH is the best (already knew this, but reminders are nice) and has been super supportive about putting off certain things to let me focus on training for tough mudder and not be worried about super crazy hormones or recovering from surgery/procedures or messing things up by being too physical. We're basically gonna go full force into everything else, still TI, but whatever happens this next cycle we'll be cool with and then regroup for the one after that.

I told him it's very important for him to remind me that I'm doing a good thing during those last two weeks before the run since that times out perfectly with my next tww.

4. We're still hanging on to the hope that HSG will open up tubes and that'll be the little oomph we needed-DH actually reminded me of this; I fall in love with him more and more each time he get's involved and asks questions knowing that I have a true partner in all of this.

Thanks to whoever is following this!

catlover790 · July 2014

I'm sorry you are having a tough 2ww. I would end up POAS but, I have a POAS problem.

I know it's hard not to relate things to having a baby and being a mother. IF makes it so much harder because (in my opinion) being used to seeing a negative is just tiring. Maybe you could compromise with yourself and test today since AF is due (if it doesn't come).

It's always good to have hope. I hope this cycle is successful for you.

BunnyBerry · July 2014

I'm sorry. TWW really messes with our minds.

I have that same feeling - it seems like as soon as I take an HPT, AF comes, as if it was the bat signal calling her out! Of course, that's not the reality.

Knowing that you're still in testing (from your signature), perhaps you can look forward to the upcoming RE consult and test results with confidence, knowing there is a good chance that your doctor will be able to pinpoint and treat the cause of IF.

tweetyknicks · July 2014

**c/p mentioned**

I found it strange too that the night before the beta from IUI#1, I dreamed that I got a positive test. Just to humor myself, I took one before going in for my beta and saw the faintest positive. Turned out to be a chemical pregnancy, but the dream was oddly correct. That's not the only accurate dream I've had during TTTC. Maybe I know things before I know them? Sounds kind of fruity to my scientific mind...

shirleymaeby · July 2014

I'm so sorry about the 2ww. I also always feel like POAS triggers AF somehow. Like all my hope was somehow keeping my ute lining in there and as soon as I gave up that's when it all happened. I'm not a traditionally superstitious person either, but that doesn't stop me reading signs into everything. I over think everything too. I think that if I try not to hope too much it won't hurt so bad when I get the BFN. But then I think that your brain has a lot of power and that positive thinking could actually help my chances. But thinking too positive and hoping too much leads to a larger crash at the end. It's this frustrating never ending mental cycle.

Hugs to you.

**Preg mentioned**

Most recently my best friend and a co-worker who have both been dealing with IF issues with me got pregnant. I was convinced IUI #1 would work for me because good things happen in threes and it would just be too perfect if it happened for all of us one month after the next. But it didn't work and I was crushed. Then another girl at work announced a BFP days after my BFN and my brain said "Well, there's the third PG. That means you're never going to get pg." Super stupid, but that's how the brain works sometimes I guess.

bravegrace22 · July 2014

catlover790- lol i had a POAS problem in the beginning too, if I got a negative and AF still hadn't shown up I'd test until it happened because obviously it was a false neg. :P I still suffer from that a little bit so neg's don't entirely set my mind at ease..You may have talked me into grabbing some dollar tree ones and giving it a go for shits & giggles though.

Thanks so much for the well wishes!

BunnyBerry- Exactly! Like the universe is saying "oh you still thought there was a possibility? (see ^ comment), hahaha NOPE." & yes, I am very much looking forward to finding answers to not only IF but some other things so I keep trying to see BFN as more time to get healthier and settled before I become one of those pg women I currently avoid at all costs.

rainbowbridge14- I have been considering getting some of those for some time now, which do you get/where is a good place to find them?

bravegrace22 · July 2014

kmdecoux said:

I'm so sorry about the 2ww. I also always feel like POAS triggers AF somehow. Like all my hope was somehow keeping my ute lining in there and as soon as I gave up that's when it all happened. I'm not a traditionally superstitious person either, but that doesn't stop me reading signs into everything. I over think everything too. I think that if I try not to hope too much it won't hurt so bad when I get the BFN. But then I think that your brain has a lot of power and that positive thinking could actually help my chances. But thinking too positive and hoping too much leads to a larger crash at the end. It's this frustrating never ending mental cycle.

Hugs to you.

**Preg mentioned**

Most recently my best friend and a co-worker who have both been dealing with IF issues with me got pregnant. I was convinced IUI #1 would work for me because good things happen in threes and it would just be too perfect if it happened for all of us one month after the next. But it didn't work and I was crushed. Then another girl at work announced a BFP days after my BFN and my brain said "Well, there's the third PG. That means you're never going to get pg." Super stupid, but that's how the brain works sometimes I guess.

YES!! THIS!! gosh I'm sooo glad I'm not the only one who has that constant internal vicious circle! It's exhausting, and I think what got to me the most this time was that I thought for sure I wasn't thinking like that with this one, I had moved on & basically acted like I already knew it was neg. but it still crept up on me. I, too, am not really superstitious (although i do believe in signs) but with all of this I feel like I can't just except that whatever is meant to happen will happen. It's all the waiting that makes our brains mush like this-I swear it must some how be used as a form of torture somewhere. lol

And sorry about the recent PG announcements

that's tough..fingers crossed that you're the start of the next group of three!

catlover790 · July 2014

I'm sorry! It sounds like you have some plans moving forward so that's good though! I hope the HSG helps and that you can get some answers soon. Good luck with everything!

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Trying desperately not to give in but.... (preg/baby mentioned-sort of) **update

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