grandparents treating your kids differently...

njbride0603 · July 2014

My IL's totally favor my oldest over my youngest and it drives me crazy! It shouldn't surprise me though b/c my IL's have always treated their own kids differently but now its my kid who will be disappointed or feel left out and I hate it! My FIL barely interacts with them to begin with but when he does its only my oldest. Has anyone else dealt with this? I know I just need to let it go but sometimes when we are around them I get so angry about it! My LO is only 2.5 so she doesn't realize it yet but soon she will and I don't want her to be sad

blu-eyedwife · July 2014

I don't know your situation since I'm not seeing it, but could it be that your inlaws are more interactive with your oldest child because your youngest is only 2.5? I know some people really don't do well with infants, or toddlers, or teenagers, etc. etc. etc. Your older daughter might be easier for them to relate to since she's more independent, has a broader knowledge base, and so on.

njbride0603 · July 2014

that is true however, its the way she says hello to them...with my oldest its like she hasn't seen her in years and with my LO its like oh hi...she also will buy things for oldest and not anything for my youngest. there is also a big different in the amount of $$ spent on each of them for b=days and Christmas. she didn't have a problem interacting with my oldest when she was 2 though....

Cherryblossoms07 · July 2014

Like PP stated it may be an age thing. How did they handle the first when he/she was that young? If you don't think it is an age thing or if it continues, have your DH talk to them about your concerns. They might not realize what they are doing or the effect of what they are doing is having on their grandchildren. If worse comes to worse and it doesn't get better as she gets older, despite conversations with her grandparents, keep reinforcing in your youngest that their behavior has nothing to do with her and that the grandparents are the ones losing out because of their behavior.

I dealt with favoritism growing up, but I hope my situation was much worse than your LO is experiencing. My mom tried everything to get my maternal grandparents to stop the favoritism in front of us - numerous conversations, offering to give them money so we would be treated some what equally with our cousins, having us spend more time with them to foster a relationship, etc. It never worked. Eventually my mom gave up and allowed us to decide if we wanted to spend time with them or not because she was not going to keep forcing a relationship which wasn't happening and it was only hurting us. Again, I hope my experience is far worse than your LO is experiencing. Unfortunately, I don't know that there is really anything you can do if the situation is brought to their attention and they are unwilling to change.

Emerald27 · July 2014

I would chat with DH about this. See if he has noticed this and ask him how he feels about it. Voice your concern that DD2 will soon begin to notice and may resent her sister or her grandparents - make it about wanting DD2 to have positive and loving relationships with her sister and grandparents, and worrying about how this treatment and interaction might impact that.

If DH feels the same or at least sees the issues, I would ask him to speak to your IL's about it. They're his parents, so they really are his responsibility.

Hopefully this is all unintentional and can be easily sorted out!

njbride0603 · July 2014

I have talked to my DH about it and he sees it....he said something once to his Dad about not treating them differently b/c his dad was referring to our LO as the "bad one" since she's going through the terrible twos...hasn't made a difference. I didn't think of it from the resenting of the other sibling but its a good point and I don't want that b/c I want them to continue to have a good relationship with each other.

Cherryblossoms07 · July 2014

njbride0603 said:
that is true however, its the way she says hello to them...with my oldest its like she hasn't seen her in years and with my LO its like oh hi...she also will buy things for oldest and not anything for my youngest. there is also a big different in the amount of $$ spent on each of them for b=days and Christmas. she didn't have a problem interacting with my oldest when she was 2 though....

Could the money difference be that toys for younger kids are typically cheaper? My mom puts a lot of effort in making sure her grandkids are treated fairly, which is understandable, but it gives her stress once and a while because toys for DS (2) are cheaper and he doesn't ask for much like my older daughter so we have problems sometimes coming up with ideas for gifts.

Oh, never mind I didn't see your last response. I am sorry you are going through this.

Ashes_3 · July 2014

I would have to tell them if they can't treat the kids the same and not bring gifts for both, they can't bring gifts for one. I have gone through this growing up. My aunt on my dad's side would buy my older sister wonderful heartfelt gifts. I would get shampoo and conditioner. My parents put a stop to it. It continued into adulthood with my aunts family attending my sisters wedding, gave her a pottery barn dining room set for her wedding gift. She didn't attend my wedding, and didn't even send a card. Talk about hard feelings. It hurts, and kids understand it starting at a pretty young age. And it is hard to let go of that hurt.

Emerald27 · July 2014

I agree that if it's been discussed and no changes have been made, I would tell them that until they are ready to make the changes, we wouldn't be visiting (since it seems to be in every aspect of a visit and not just the gifts they give). It's just not fair to the children to put them in that environment, and maybe something stern like that would be a good wake up call.

Ceridwen21 · July 2014

Wow, that's a pretty shitty situation. I agree that DH should talk to them about it, but really, these are adults with a sad track record of doing the same thing with their own children, so I wouldn't expect them to change. The only thing you can control is:

1) How much time your kids spend with them, and

2) The messages you send to your kids about how great they both are and how much you love them. Build them up so that it's harder for someone else to break them down. And if they start to notice a difference in how they are each treated when they are older, you can have a frank conversation with them about it and let them decide how much interaction they want to have with their grandparents because of it.

Good luck. Geeze, and I thought when opening this thread it would be about grandparents spoiling your kids (as in treating them differently from how you treat them - like my mom who doesn't believe in the word "no" when it comes to DS).

njbride0603 · July 2014

thanks all!! initially I was worried about my own parents b/c I'm an only child and they never had to split their time but they are amazing at treating them the same...unfortunately my husband comes for a long line of non-confrontational/lets avoid any tough conversations people so not sure this will ever get resolved.

FabulousMrs.P · July 2014

Ceridwen21 said:

Wow, that's a pretty shitty situation. I agree that DH should talk to them about it, but really, these are adults with a sad track record of doing the same thing with their own children, so I wouldn't expect them to change. The only thing you can control is:
1) How much time your kids spend with them, and
2) The messages you send to your kids about how great they both are and how much you love them. Build them up so that it's harder for someone else to break them down. And if they start to notice a difference in how they are each treated when they are older, you can have a frank conversation with them about it and let them decide how much interaction they want to have with their grandparents because of it.
Good luck. Geeze, and I thought when opening this thread it would be about grandparents spoiling your kids (as in treating them differently from how you treat them - like my mom who doesn't believe in the word "no" when it comes to DS).

I agree with her. I would have DH speak to his parents about it, especially about having a gift for one child and not the other (unless it is the oldest's birthday). However don't expect change. You can control how often then see their parents and reassure them at home that they are both great for many different reasons!

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