Out of town mom wants to stay after baby is born

keb0826 · April 2014

Hi all,
I am 11 weeks pregnant with our first child, due 11/8/14. My husband and I have lived across the country from our parents and siblings for the last three years and will be moving back next month, living about a 12 hours drive from each of our parents. We're all excited to be getting closer to each other, especially now so that they can see their grandchild a little more frequently/easily. I'm kind of having mixed feelings about something though, especially after having talked about it with my husband this morning. My mom has not specifically said yet that she plans to be around right after our baby is born, but I KNOW it is coming and she has made jokes about how funny my husband is going to be in the delivery room. Even though she and I are fairly close, I have already made up my mind that I don't want anyone in the delivery room with us and quite frankly, I am not so sure I want anyone staying at our house for the first little bit either. I feel like I could get her to respect our wishes regarding the delivery, but she gets very easily offended and has easily hurt feelings, so I feel certain that I will be made to feel horrible for saying we don't want her staying with us immediately after. I'm not concerned about having to entertain her or that she wouldn't want to help around the house, I know she would. My worry is that although she means well, she really likes to try to "teach" about everything, and I could see her driving both my husband and I nuts as we are trying to navigate caring for a newborn on our own, while having her hovering and telling us what we should be doing. I feel like having the delivery to ourselves and then being able to bring our new baby home and spend at least a few days bonding and figuring out what works for us and how we want to do things would be so ideal. I'm not opposed to having people visit at the hospital or even at home for a couple of hours, but I want to know that people will leave and we can get back to relaxing together, just the three of us. It's not as if she can come see the baby at the hospital though, then just make the "short" 12 hour drive back home. I don't feel right asking her to stay at a hotel, as she doesn't have a ton of money and honestly, after moving cross country and paying for all sorts of new baby expenses, we won't have a ton laying around to put her up somewhere either. Regardless of the cost, I still see her getting offended at the thought of not staying at our house anyway. My husband is trying not to make me feel stressed out and torn between him and her, but he told me this morning that he really wants that initial time to be just us and the baby also. He will be off from work at least that first week and said that he really wants to be the one to take care of me and our house, while we get to bond with our baby, without having my mom telling him what to do. They get along well enough and he is respectful of her, but I get what he's saying...she can start to get pretty irritating after awhile. Should I just bite the bullet and tell her not to come until after the first week? I know it is not going to go over well, but I also know this is probably the first of many times to come where we'll have to put our foot down, not just with her, but both of our moms. I am a very non-confrontational type of person, but I know we'll never get those first days with our baby ever again and I feel like it's really important to consider my husband's wishes more so in this situation, because it's his baby, not my mom's. Who else has experienced this issue and how did it turn out for you?

cagoldi · April 2014

It is important you consider your husband's wishes since it sounds like he feels strongly about protecting your first few days and weeks and keeping that for just the three of you.

My Mom was in the delivery room with us, but DH was more than fine with it. If he had been adamant about no one else being there I would have respected that.

It's perfectly reasonable to want to enjoy time alone with your H and LO right after birth. Your mom should understand that.

Also, you said she is the type to give unsolicited advice. That will be really frustrating for everyone when you are exhausted and trying to figure things out initially. It will be a lot more stress having her there if she is prone to wanting to teach you what she thinks you should doing.

vincoand · April 2014

I think the second and third week were actually harder on me than the first week was. So maybe you could spin it that you would love her help after DH goes back to work? I think that would be more helpful for you anyway. That's when your hormones start going crazy and the lack of sleep really starts taking its toll on you! You can always blame it on your hubby too! :-) I know mine would take the brunt of it from my mom if it made things easier on me!

workitmom84 · April 2014

My parents are also long distance, about ten hours. I totally understand what you're saying and wanted the same thing. That being said, my mom came down a few days after my daughter was born via unplanned csection, and it was SO helpful. My mom and I get along well, but she can drive me nuts. However, they were in our shoes once (/twice/three times), and I feel like they understand to take it easy on a new mom. My husband did his best but my mom's help was wonderful and I'm glad we had some time to bond. Maybe you guys can find a compromise?? Good luck!

erinsullivan427 · April 2014

vincoand said:
I think the second and third week were actually harder on me than the first week was. So maybe you could spin it that you would love her help after DH goes back to work? I think that would be more helpful for you anyway. That's when your hormones start going crazy and the lack of sleep really starts taking its toll on you! You can always blame it on your hubby too! :-) I know mine would take the brunt of it from my mom if it made things easier on me!

This!!! I was in the same boat and had my mom come at the two week mark. The first two weeks are easy and I told her I needed help when DH returned to work. It also gave me something to look forward to since I was sad DH wouldn't be around during the day anymore. I wasn't alone the entire first month and it really helped.

katedh · April 2014

Our moms were in the delivery room but we let them know when it came time to push we wanted it to be just us and they were fine with that. I ended up having to have a c-section though and after 3 nights in the hospital and my hubby having to do everything for me and baby we were greatful to have our moms at home so we could rest our first night home. But I understand wanting it to be just you.

Disneygeek77 · April 2014

Well, my overall advice when it comes to family situations like this is that you have to come to terms with your mom being upset or disappointed. I honestly believe that disappointing your parents at some time in your life is part of growing up. Trust me, if she isn't disappointed with not being in the delivery room or at your home those first few days, then she is going to be disappointed because your family won't be there on Christmas morning, or she will be disappointed because you are going on a fun vacation instead of her hometown, or she will be disappointed in your religious choices or how you choose to discipline your child. Do you see what I am trying to say here ? Your mom is going to get her feelings hurt many times in your parenting life, so might as well rip off the band aid now and tell yourself it is ok if your mom is upset that she won't be there.

I know it will be difficult at first , trust me I had a hard time too, but eventually it will get easier. Just tell yourself " My mom is going to be really hurt by our decision, but that is ok. The world won't end if she is upset with me."

DRFleener · April 2014

I would take the help if you are going to nurse. Those first few days of constant feedings and overwhelming exhaustion are hard! It was nice to have my mom for groceries, meals and help...

Designermomma · April 2014

My mom was only in the delivery room for a little while with DS1. I told her in advance that the hospital would only allow 1 person in the room with me. I was induced so I was in there 26 hours. She was there until it was push time. My husband appreciated her help to get food for him while I was in labor so long and yelling threats at him. She was a ton of help at home too. You barely have time to eat and sleep in between trying to go to the bathroom/recovering and feeding/changing baby. It took me a long time to recover and I appreciated any help I could get right away. With DS2, he came out in 10 min. No one, even the dr., made it to the delivery room. My mom came later that night to take DS1 home and stay with him. You never know how your delivery will go or how you'll feel afterwards.

keb0826 · July 2014

Well, it's been awhile since my initial post. Brace yourselves for a long follow-up.

I'm now close to 23 weeks along and we made our move back east about a month and a half ago. My mom was here this past weekend for a long weekend visit and upon picking her up at the airport, SHE immediately brought up this subject that I was so dreading discussing. I felt super relieved when she told me that she just wanted to be on board with whatever WE wanted to do, as far as this situation goes. So, I nicely (or at least I thought) told her how I felt and that we'd love to have her come just a couple of days after baby is born, just enough time to let us get settled in at home from the hospital and that I really did appreciate her being willing to hear me out and respect what we wanted to do. I knew it was way too easy.

She may have said that, but it was most certainly not how she truly felt and it was brought up numerous times throughout the weekend and I was left feeling kind of down and incredibly guilty throughout the visit. I feel like it's partly that she really does want to be there and partly how it looks to other people. A couple of times she brought up situations in which her friends' kids had had children and mom was either requested in the delivery room or was at least waiting to be called right after from the waiting room. She also mentioned how frustrating it is for her to have my husband's mother asking her often whether or not she will be present and carrying on about how she will most definitely be there when HER daughter has a baby (that being my husband's sister). I told my mom that I was grateful that she would be willing to ask what our wishes were instead of behaving like my MIL, who in the case of my SIL will very much just force her way into things, no questions asked. At another point we were out in a store and she got tearful and brought it up again, telling my she hopes I'll change my mind about having her there for the birth. I was so frustrated at this point, I felt like just busting out crying myself in the middle of this department store. Then she said that she didn't want me to tell my MIL that she would not be there. I told her she would end up realizing that she wasn't there. Things essentially went on like this throughout the weekend. She went with us to our anatomical scan on Monday, which was her request. She asked months ago if we could schedule her trip around a dr's visit, particularly this one because she'd get to be there when they told us baby's gender. We said fine and I made the arrangements. She went home later that day, but I mentioned to my husband that she did not make any facebook announcement about learning our baby's gender or getting to see him on U/S. This seems unlike her, that sort of thing would be right up her ally to post about to everyone. I let it go and told myself I was overthinking it, but then she didn't call me for a few days after being home, also unlike her. So, I called her yesterday evening and it was very obvious from the second she answered the phone that she was not happy. Angry, hurt...whatever it was, it was obvious. We had a brief, strained "how's it going" type conversation and hung up, but then she called me back about 10 minutes later to really talk. She said a lot, but essentially told me that she could see we were going to be selfish with our baby and that was fine. She is angry that my husband "took" me away from her to live out west and to where we are living now. She feels that I am being isolated and this is concerning to her. There is distance between she and I, and I have "changed" and she "is not the only one who has noticed it." When I asked her to elaborate on this, she moved onto something else. She told me she is very aware that she is not wanted around and realizes that she has been pushed to the side, because my husband now does so many of the little things that she used to do for me. She is upset because I've "never said I miss her or wish we could be closer" throughout all the time we've been living in different states, which is BS. She also said I never told her she could come a couple of days after baby is born, but that she was only welcome to come at Christmas (over a month after birth) when my husband's family will be making their first visit. This is also BS, my husband and I both invited her to stay within days of us being home, again just long enough to settle in from the hospital. She called me a liar about this, as well as a few other ridiculous and insignificant things. She told me she feels the whole trip was a set-up, simply to use the time to tell her our "guidelines" about how things would be. SHE asked to come when she did and SHE was the one who initially brought it up. I didn't say so in the first post, but I have an older brother and sister. My brother has some psych issues and a serious drug problem, and is not really around. My sister has two kids of her own and some time ago decided to disengage from the whole family and no longer speaks to any of us. I don't agree with what she's done and I don't agree with her reasons behind it, but I got a very small taste of the relationship she had with my mom after her kids were born from that conversation last night. I remember my mom saying so many of these things to her...about her husband taking her away, being selfish with her kids, etc. My mom is constantly reminding me that she feels I am the only kid she has, since the other two have so many problems. She and my dad are divorced, and it leaves me feeling like she as no one else and that I bear a great responsibility in her happiness. It shouldn't be that way, but it is. That's part of why I feel so crappy not letting her have her way, but this is important to me and to my husband. Also, like so many of you have said, I know it's only the beginning. Unfortunately, I foresee her acting like this about a lot of things down the road, so even if I gave into her now, it'll only happen again in some other situation. The conversation did not help to resolve anything, we both hung up seeming fairly angry and I spent the rest of the evening crying. I am especially hurt about her speaking so negatively about my husband. She is constantly carrying on about how great he is and she loves the relationship we have with each other, then in the blink of an eye, he is responsible for "changing" me and is "isolating" me!? I feel that he has been incredibly tolerant and has always made an effort to be kind and respectful throughout our relationship. I'm just really upset about the whole situation and I'm not really sure what to do from here.

iqwedding3 · July 2014

A couple of things from my own recent experience.

We felt that we didn't want to have visitors in the house for a while after birth, our solution was to have folks come visit us in the hospital. Some advantages:
-You don't have to host, provide food, etc.
-People can't stay with you, it's a hospital!
-It's easy to kick people out. You're recovering from major stuff! Fall asleep. Signal a nurse to ask people to leave. Visiting hours end, etc.
-I was having post delivery euphoria (and pain meds from my csection), and lots of help with newborn stuff, so I was WAY less stressed out than I was when I got home

Since I had a csection I didn't have to worry about folks wanting to be present during the delivery,but you'll still need to deal with that problem. We specifically limited visitors the day after birth to family, and told them so and I think it really made them feel good that they were specially selected to visit us that first day.

Good luck!

jenn43 · July 2014

I had a similar situation with my mom- she wanted to come stay for weeks, I didn't really want guests. I diplomatically told her how I felt, and she was upset initially. But she got over it. She came down the week the baby was born and stayed for a week in a hotel, so we all had our own space (although we did have friends in the area she could have stayed with, had money been an issue). And it was a great visit. And now... my mom is currently holding LO, 9 weeks old, while I type this.

My husband just opened a new business and is working every evening. She came and bailed me out (and didn't even say "I told you so.") She's staying for a month, and I couldn't be more grateful.

Maybe your mom could come for a short visit right after the baby is born, and a longer visit 3 or 4 weeks out. By then you'll have had some time to bond as a family, and you'll be ready for a break from the sleep deprivation.

jenn43 · July 2014

Also, my mom and I live 7 hours apart. She was having some of the same issues as it sounds like your mother was having- feeling like I wasn't part of her life, didn't come to visit enough, etc. My mom actually looked on Amazon for some books on mother-daughter relationships, and read several of them. She says it really helped her figure out that she needed to be part of my life in a different way after was married with a child. I'm not suggesting you buy your mom one of these books for Christmas or anything, but maybe you could read one and share some of the relevant points with her.

KutiePebbles · July 2014

i wrote a similar post a few months back. i am happy to see positive responses. i kind of got eaten alive by 50% of the ppl responding to me.. bottom line, i was in the same situation as you with a few tweaks.

my situation revolves around my MIL. my husband and i agreed to have limited visitors and no overnight guests after our little guy arrives. his mom lives out of state and when he told her our wishes, the sh*t hit the fan which made him feel guilty so he back peddled on his word. it was a tough battle but i felt the same as you- i wanted privacy, bonding time, did not want to feel obligated to entertain etc. not to mention, my MIL is one tough cookie to be around for extended periods of time. i know first hand from the many times we had her as a house guest in the past.

fast forward to 29wks gestation, when i went into pre-term labor and had my son. having a preemie changes things dramatically but i can say my husband and i immediately jumped on the same page. it took a bit of time but my MIL now understands and respects our wishes. she will stay at a hotel when she visits.

it's a tough position to be in but there will be a compromise. sometimes it takes a little time for people to settle down and put the shoe on the other foot. in your case, i hope you do not have to have a 29wker to be understood. best of luck

kayzilly · July 2014

I was in the same situation and we told my mom that in order for me to have have more help the first month, we didn't want her stay to overlap with hubby's paternity leave. So hubby and I delivered baby at hospital just the two of us and the had one week at home to get settled...then my mom came to stay for a week once hubby was back to work.

SGC29 · July 2014

OP your follow up post is one that I could have written myself. My mother sounds similar to yours, and even now on my 3rd child she is still trying to force her way into things and guilt trip me often. It is extremely frustrating. I wish I could say after my first child she simmered a little but I feel as though it has gotten worse with each subsequent pregnancy.

The best way I have dealt with it (and I don't even know still if I handle it properly) is to ignore her when she starts her pity party and whine fests. After 4 years of it I am so over hearing the same old crap. She throws her tantrums, I smile and nod, and then block them out as best I can. I put my foot down when I need to, even though sometimes it results in me being the "bad guy". This is YOUR child, not your mothers child. This is a time you cannot get back. Go with what works for your family. I allowed my mother to suck a lot of my joy out of my first pregnancy and labor experience and now that I am on my final child I refuse to do it again. Don't let her put a damper on this exciting time.

keb0826 · July 2014

Thanks for the responses, ladies! Things seemed to have settled down for now. We talked again a few days after our blow-out conversation and she apologized for some things and I apologized for losing my temper during the conversation and some of the things I said. I, however, did not give in to having her be here any earlier and that seems to be settled for both of us. I'm sure she still isn't happy, but at least she's kind of gotten a handle on it now. My biggest issue at this point is how she went from acting as though the sun sets on my husband to saying the things she did about him. I still feel some tension because of it, but I'm trying to just let it go and hope she doesn't fly off on another tangent like that again. *sigh* For now, just trying to focus on getting ready for our little man and trying to enjoy the rest of the pregnancy. I hate that others have had to work through similar situations, but nice to know I am not alone!

Disneygeek77 · July 2014

Well honestly, I would never tolerate my family bad mouthing my husband. If my mother tried, I would look at her straight in the eye, grit my teeth and say " Don't talk about my husband like that ever again. Do you understand me. You insult him, you insult me."

Man it makes my angry just thinking about it because I would not stand for that at all.

Anyways, I read through your posts and it seems that your mother is very good at manipulating you. You are feeling guilty for things you should never feel guilty over like getting married and being happy. Your mother also should never make you feel like you are her soul source of happiness. That is an unfair and impossible burden to place on someone.

I am very very proud of you for standing you ground, but have your ever considered counseling on how best to handle your mother and the burdens she has put on you ? I have gone to counseling before and I believe it was one of the healthiest decisions I ever made. I only suggest it because you are feeling guilty for stuff you should never feel guilty for.

Out of town mom wants to stay after baby is born

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