How do you deal with middle of the night wakings?

SunAndRain · July 2014

DD is about to turn 2 and about half of the time she wakes in the middle of the night crying for me. DH can't console her - she only wants me. She won't go back to bed alone. I can't bring her in bed with me because she kicks DH and he doesn't tolerate it. The only thing that works is for me to climb in HER bed and both of us to fall asleep. I try to sneak out when I wake and crawl back to my own bed, but I have to wait at least an hour (or so it seems) because she'll scream if she detects me leaving. And her twin mattress on the floor isn't comfortable for me.

This is a problem gets more complicated because 3 mornings per week I wake at 4 AM and am out of the house by 430 AM. DH sleeps until 6 and is in no way interested in calming a screaming toddler between the hours of 4-6 AM...especially when he knows that I have the power to stop her from screaming. He gets her ready on these mornings (thank you DH!)

The reason for my early morning start is elective: I ride my horse. So it isn't like it is work related. BUT my coach is expecting me for a 6 am lesson so it isn't like I can skip it last minute if DD isn't cooperating. But you can hopefully understand why DH would be LESS supportive of my early morning exits if it encroaches on his sleep.

My early mornings aside, I could really use some advice from other moms on how you deal with middle of the night wakings. All ideas greatly appreciated! TIA!

Bonnesetter27 · July 2014

It sounds like you created a bad habit. I am sorry if that sounds harsh. I would be willing to bet tat your dd doesnt want dh because he won't lay in bed with her until she falls asleep. How does she go to sleep at the beginning of the night? Do you follow a routine and then leave and she falls asleep on her own or do you rock her to sleep, sit with her? It is going to be hard but I would guess the only way to stop from getting stuck in her bed is to go in and comfort her and then leave, screaming and all. Then I would wait awhile and repeat. It is a CIO method but at this point she knows you aren't leaving her. I would also try rewards. If you stay in bed by yourself you can get a sticker/treat etc.

traveltheworld · July 2014

DS wakes up in the middle of the night and wants only mommy as well. I usually go in, pick him up and hold him for a bit while I sit in the rocking chair. Then I gently remind him that I'm going to put him back in his crib, but I'll stay and pat him for a bit. Then I give him another warning that I'm about to about to leave. He usually whines and asks me to pat him more, I comply but tell him that it's "last time". Then after about another 2 - 3 minutes, I leave. I make sure he is still awake when I leave so he understands that he needs to fall asleep now on his own.

This took a while. At first whenever I left he'd cry. But I found that if I staid with him, he'd simply not fall asleep - maybe he was worried that if he fell asleep, I'd leave? At any rate, after about a week of sitting there and patting him for over an hour and him still not falling asleep, I switched to the above method. The first few nights he'd cry for 10 - 20 minutes, but now sometimes he'd cry for a minute or two, but then would give up and fall asleep. Good luck!

SunAndRain · July 2014

We've done CIO since she was an infant. She never really stopped CIO! Usually she cries just a few minutes then drifts off to sleep. So I never worried TOO much...I figured that as long as she wasn't crying more than 5 minutes, 10 tops, that she was just burning off energy. And I didn't want to create bad habits, as you noted, by rocking her to sleep every night. [sigh]

Now she gets out of her bed, leaves her room... The last few nights she has cried herself to sleep on the hallway carpet! Believe me I have spent many nights walking her back to her bed... Yes, it is hard!

In the middle of the night she walks herself to our room. We can walk her back but she is right back up following us. I can't say I have the stamina to walk her back to her room 50 times at 2 AM.

Emerald27 · July 2014

DS wakes once during the night, and I go and snuggle him back to sleep, then quietly slip away to return to my bed. It's easy for us because I just got him a twin sized bed instead of a toddler bed, so I fit comfortably there. Also, my DH doesn't mind snuggling DS back to sleep in his bed if I can't do it (I'm usually there but if I'm sick or whatever, he's happy to help me).

It took DS a while to get used to DH helping with sleep, and it does sometimes take him longer to get DS back to sleep than it takes me. DS will ask for me, and DH just tells him that Daddy is here now and he needs to go to sleep. And that's that.

I'm not a fan of CIO. Personally, I think there are other gentle ways of helping our kids have positive sleep associations, even if they are a bit more effort and require more patience. Good luck!

ETA: one thing you could try is a baby monitor that allows her to hear you, so you can talk to her and comfort her with your voice through the monitor. Even show it to her and tell her how it works.

TiffanyBerry · July 2014

I'm also not a fan of CIO, and I believe STTN is a developmental thing that will come on it's own. For my daughter, it's about 50/50 (on average, over a month) that she doesn't wake in the middle of the night. (Maybe more wakeup than that...) but she's always been tough with sleep.
I go in and sleep with her. We have a bed big enough there is plenty of space. If I have to get up early, I set my phone and sneak out.

ashiscute · July 2014

theresat858 said:

I think the problem is that she can get out of the room. Can you get a doorknob cover so she can't open the door herself? Walk her back to her room, tell her it is time to go to sleep now, and leave. If she is having a meltdown, return a few minutes later, lay her back down, remind her it is time to sleep, and leave. Repeat.Yes, over and over and over again. It will be a rough few nights as she adjusts to the fact that you will not lay there with her, but need to go sleep in your bed. I tell DD that "mommy has to go to sleep in her bed now". She begs me to stay but usually accepts it.

You could also try a variant of the sleep lady shuffle - when you lay with her in bed, don't - move yourself a bit further away each night. This will take longer but is a more gentle method. Don't lay in bed with her, lay on the floor next to her bed. Then the floor a few feet away. Etc, etc...until you are sleeping in your own room.

All of this. Yes it isn't easy to deal with these things at 2AM but the way you are currently dealing with it obviously isn't working for you so you need to find something that works.

frasey · July 2014

Similar thing going on here. DD was awesome, but is starting to regress a bit lately. She wants me to stay longer and longer in her room while she falls asleep, which is getting ridic. Im trying to set a time limit now - she has one of those Violet toys that plays music for 10 mins. I tell her that when Violet stops singing, mommy is going to leave. We just started that, so I can't say yet if it works or not, but its something to try.

I'm also going to start the gradually not laying with her, and getting farther away. I tried last night to lay kinda propped up on her other pillows but she wasn't having any of that. I stuck w the Violet thing.

So anyways, I left and she was falling asleep, but was crying 30 mins later. DH went up and asked her if she was hurt. She said no. DH said OK its time for sleeping now, not for crying. And she went to sleep I guess! This happened again around 9 PM, same results. Maybe try that?

blu-eyedwife · July 2014

I also agree with @nicb13, your husband needs to take more of a role in this. I get that your daughter calls for you, and wants you, but he needs to find ways of comforting his daughter too and not just getting resentful that she's interrupting his sleep.

I don't think this is a bad habit thing. Like @TiffanyBerry, it's developmental. My son will STTN great for months, and then we'll hit a rough patch where he wakes every night for a week. And this is going to vary for every child. I have a friend whose son STTN practically from birth to 2 years. And then they started potty training and he was in their room every night. For whatever reason, your daughter is having a hard time right now. It could be mental, physical, or environmental. But I don't think this is going to last forever, so you and your husband need to form a team and help each other get through it.

SunAndRain · July 2014

Thanks everyone. I spoke with our pedi at our recent appointment and her advice was to follow the same exact bedtime routine at the same exact time, down to reading the same exact three books in the same exact order. And she said to let her CIO. Our Pedi has 5 of her own and I share her philosophy in raising children so I'm comfortable with her advice.

I ordered a baby gate to put at her door so she cannot get out of her room. It'll be a hard few nights (won't arrive until Saturday) but the hope is that she'll learn to put herself back to sleep.

Based on how things have gone the past few nights I'm feeling encouraged that DD will get back on track.

sarahandeddiejune212008 · July 2014

Both of my girls bed shared until around age 2. I am working on my youngest sleeping in her crib (she's 2 this month). When she wakes I bring her to bed with me. She sleeps on the edge of the bed and I'm in the middle. We have a bed rail to prevent her from falling.

Some people may disagree with how we manage, but it works for us. I need sleep and so does she. DD#1 is almost 4 and sleeps on her own. It just took time to get her to do it. Each child develops at their own pace, sleeping alone/self soothing is part of that.

As for your DH - he needs to suck it up and deal. My DH works until 3am and will help with the girls if needed. Sleep deprivation is part of being a parent.

KDR1979 · July 2014

We have also had major sleep issues. The twins were 2 in April. They started off in the same bedroom (separate cribs), but we put them in their own rooms at 8 months b/c sleep was awful. We then realized that DD was the problem-DS has slept every night since unless he is teething or sick. DD is capable of STTN, but often wakes up crying (and she also prefers me and I did breastfeed her for awhile). @ 23 months old, I went to the pediatrician and told her that we couldn't take it anymore. We have established great nap and bedtime routines. She falls asleep fine...she just wakes up in the middle of the night and screams until someone comes. We ended up at Children's hospital sleep center and eventually got in for a sleep study, The sleep psychologist wasn't a huge fan of CIO for young toddlers/infants until we got the sleep study results. DD ended up coming back with a mild restless leg and was low on iron/ferritin (associated with restless leg). @26-27 months, her comprehension is so much better. I told her that we were seeing the doctor because "she doesn't sleep in her bed all night." She started liquid iron and I tell her that it is her medicine to "help her sleep in her bed all night." 2 weeks into iron + cio (we have done it before, but it never worked great. I think it works now b/c she is older and understands that she is OK & I will see her in the morning). and she sleeps 9-10 hours/night! I pray that this continues b/c we are still exhausted after having interrupted sleep almost nightly x 2 years! The sleep study was expensive with our deductible, but you could ask your pediatrician to check her ferritin level (blood draw). They told me that for a 2 yo girl, her ferritin should be -50-80. My DD's was only 18!

Good luck! I feel your pain!

Unknown · July 2014

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nursetrace08 · July 2014

Every kid is different. My son will be 3 in October and he still sleeps in our bed for most of the night. We are trying to move him to his room because I'm pregnant and when we have the baby it will stay in our room while I'm nursing. The only reason I want to move him to his room is because I don't want him to wake up every time the baby does. We enjoy having him with us so it's no big deal. I don't feel like it was a "bad habit" we started. It was just what worked best for our family. You have to find what works best for you and go with it. Good luck.

Soymami2 · July 2014

I've been dealing with the same problem. For the past three nights i've been giving my DD oatmeal or a banana around 8:30-9:00pm. She's actually been sleeping the whole night. Maybe you can try that?

ttimmerman · July 2014

Did your DD used to STTN or has she ever? If she's generally a tough sleeper, then I agree that any of a variety of methods may work for her, including CIO, and you just have to find the one best for you and your LO. I agree with the pps that baby-gating her in is probably the best place to start.

However, if she normally sleeps well and has only recently started waking up, then I would investigate other causes. Could she have an ear infection or be teething? I've heard that around age 2, children start to dream, which can be very disruptive to their sleep. My little guy recently went through a bout of waking up in the MOTN for almost two weeks straight (he's normally a great sleeper) and we exhausted all the possibilities of what might be wrong...finally figured out that he has allergies. We started him on Zyrtec and he's back to STTN. Anyway, if the waking up is unlike her, then I wouldn't necessarily do CIO since something else might be wrong.

mmooki · July 2014

We just switched dd to a twin bed from the crib and she loves it. After a week of success, she started waking up and dh who is a lighter sleeper than me, would just go get her and bring her into our bed. If I hear her, I go in and snuggle her, rub her back... And usually fall asleep with her. But whenever I wake up I can go back to my bed and she stays asleep. But she knows to stay in her room until we come get her. She can call us if she needs us, but has to stay in bed.

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