NBR - Need some perspective

ReeceFamily · July 2014

So this is kind of a typical fight between me and DH. It seems to me like he is just trying to pick a fight/mind-f me...but I'll try to present it to you as neutrally as I can. Tell me what you think. This will be long.

By way of background, I am the major breadwinner in the marriage right now, and I am lucky enough to have a job that pays a great deal more than average for my field of work. My boss is branching off to start her own company in a few months, and has asked me to come along with her. It's a good opportunity, and not really a choice: if she leaves, and I stay at my present firm, all of my work will dry up and I would eventually lose my job. I could refuse her, and go get another job, but it would most likely pay about half what I make right now.

So, when my boss approached me, I was interested in the idea and immediately went to talk to my husband about it. I don't remember exactly what I said, but I think it was along the lines of "I think this is a good opportunity for me, are you supportive of the idea." He has never expressed anything but support, and has never had any questions or voiced any concerns.

Now that we are possibly looking for housing in a more expensive market, I told him we should consider the fact that my boss's business venture is not yet solid (I am guaranteed my current salary, but it will be a year before I really feel comfortable that her venture is going to be successful), and that if all goes to hell in a handbasket and her business fails (which I don't think it will, I think she will be very successful), I might need to take a lower-paying job for a while. So we should consider that in taking on a new mortgage. DH freaked out that I brought this up, saying that I just made the decision to follow my boss on my own, that I never consulted with him. I was stunned and confused and I apologized...until I remembered that I did talk to him about it, immediately, and he was supportive. He says it doesn't matter, that I presented it as if I had already made my choice. I said, well, let's talk now then, what questions or worries do you have, etc. He says, its too late to talk about it now, and keeps throwing any olive branch back in my face. He says, "It's too late now, this is just an example of the poor communication we have in our marriage."

I feel like I'm always apologizing for EVERYTHING, just to keep the peace. I feel like I did include him by telling him about the job right away, I was giving him the opportunity to voice his concerns, etc. And that, failing that, if I was inadvertently excluding him, I am asking him now to voice any concerns, asking him to talk to me about it. He keeps saying, basically, it's too late, just go ahead and do whatever you want to do.

If you've read this far, what do you think? What's your gut reaction to this interaction?

bennikki · July 2014

I think you're being responsible in your decisions. I wish more people approached their long term liabilities (such as a mortgage) with your logic. I hate seeing people come through my office (I'm an accountant) who are stretched so thin that a small issue like a car breakdown or brief illness puts them at risk of losing everything.

Yes, you talked to your husband, and yes, he's being a baby about it, but when you're the main breadwinner and looking at a bigger mortgage, you need to consider what would happen if you were to lose your job. Communication only goes so far when the other party isn't listening.

jobiann · July 2014

My gut reaction is: does he often forget about conversations or is this a new thing that recently popped up? I also feel like why is it such a big deal to either wait on making a decision about housing a year from now or just deciding to be "safe" and not getting your exact dream home but a home that will do for the next 5 years.

It sounds like to me you are being very level headed in the fact that you honestly do not know how your bosses new venture will fair yet because the transition has yet to occur. How a spouse has an issue with caution doesn't make any sense to me.

Are there other issues that he could be using to make this issue a bigger deal when it really isn't?

MH and I have been fighting over little things like laundry, dishes and garbage lately. Don't get me wrong, he is a great man, wonderful father but we've just been bickering and It is not fun. We had a LONG talk about why we think we are doing this and how both of us can take steps to avoid it. Ultimately what we discovered is that we feel more like roommates then a husband and wife lately. Our solution is a mandatory date night with just DH and I. As well as two nights a week mandatory date night in the bedroom after J goes to sleep.....not just for sex, but for cuddle time, watching a movie, eating pop corn, relaxing. Not in the tv room, not in the backyard, but in an intimate space where we are forced to enjoy each other.

It sounds like there is a lot of it going around. I hope my H and I are on the right path. It sure feels better then it felt a few weeks ago.

ReeceFamily · July 2014

@bennikki @jobiann - I'm not sure what's going on, exactly. Is he angry about my changing jobs? Is he angry about my wanting to live in a cheaper house for awhile? I really can't tell. It bothers me that I am offering to discuss his concerns, and he is throwing it back in my face saying "it's too late to talk about it." It can never be too late in a marriage to talk about it. You just HAVE to talk about it.

@jobiann - yeah, there is a serious lack of connection here. I'd love a date night, but that hasn't worked for many reasons. We have soooo many issues to resolve. I'm not feeling totally sure we can dig our way out. Marriage counseling is a must, but we're waiting first for DH's meds to kick in. I don't know if I can wait.

spainy17 · July 2014

It sounds to me that he is just scared about the change and since most of it is banking on you that he is trying to put it's potential failure on you. It is scary - you have been working on your marriage and looking to buy a bigger home and things are shaky. Now add in a shaky job decision and the whole thing is a big question mark. That being said, your reasons for choosing the job make total sense financially and you are not being blind about it when considering your new mortgage. It is just a big decision and he is blaming your lack of communication (or his percieved lack of communication) with some bad communication of his own and that just sets you both up for conflict. I think your decision is valid and as long as you keep him objectively informed then I would just move forward and hope that it turns out for the best. It sounds frustrating and I just hope that the job change is successful and that it all goes fabulously so it can be a positive change for you both. Hugs.

martha919 · July 2014

Ugh. It sounds like you're doing the best you can here, hon. Can you go to counseling alone? That would at least give you another place to talk. :-)

Fwiw, MH took the hint when we left two weeks ago and is now taking his mess every day and committed to staying on them and there has been major improvement. I hope you see the same soon, too!!

DCKate · July 2014

You've got some good advice here, so I will just add that I think you're right and good for you for keeping things moving!

ConstanceGoodspeed · July 2014

PP's mentioned that he feels scared, but I bet he feels jealous, too. You make more than him and your career is going places.

AshleyDehaven · July 2014

I think you have done all you can to include him in this decision, he is going out of his way to exclude himself and at the same time make you feel guilty for that exclusion. I know the transition period is really rough, getting the right medication regimen, and then getting really established in it can feel like it takes forever, and in the meantime everyone is sort of on pins an needles waiting for things to normalize. I would keep doing what you are doing, keep trying to have an adult conversation with him, keep trying to include him. But ultimately, you have to do what is right for your family, whether he is going to step up and be a grown up or not. You have valid reasoning, and logic on your side, and whether he is scared, or jealous, or whatever, is sort of irrelevant. Of course it is always important to honor those feelings and acknowledge them, but as adults sometimes we have to sort of suck it up and do things that we don't like, or that we're scared of, for the good of our family and children. If this job opportunity is your best bet and being successful and providing for your LO, then i think it is completely valid to follow that instinct. Hang in there hon, i know that with his mental health concerns it must seem hopeless sometimes, lord knows i have given my husband some rough days on the road to becoming healthy, but i have always tried my hardest to be present in our decisions, and fair in expressing how i am feeling. I can feel extremely vulnerable and helpless, angry, and scared, when my anxiety and depression flair up badly, and i have bad moments where all those feelings bubble to the surface, but i work extremely hard on not directing them at the people i love, and the people that i know love me. Hopefully once he has gotten leveled out, he will be able to put in that same kind of effort to treat you fairly, as an equal, and not blame you for the feelings that his illness causes. ((Hugs)) i know it can be so hard, but i think you are an amazing person, and a wonderful wife. With unique experience, i have so much love and respect for the spouses of those of us battling mental illnesses. For what it's worth, many, if not most of us, recognize how lucky we are, and i have to hope that soon he will too.

ReeceFamily · July 2014

Thanks everyone for your input. @AshleyDehaven - thanks especially for your viewpoint. As usual, it is really helpful to me. I love you guys!

DH and I talked last night a bit after work. He had calmed down enough to have a more rational discussion. I told him that sometimes he turns on a dime and treats me with such anger and contempt, it is very disorienting. He said "Well, I am disoriented." I reiterated that I was coming from a place of caution - I didn't think the worst would happen, etc., but I wanted to keep it in mind in our planning. We have basically decided, for now, that it is probably wisest for us to put off any big changes (like a move) until my job is stabilized. This sucks for me, because deep inside my soul is saying "move!!!". But I think the time will come.

URMySunshine77 · July 2014

I'm joining this discussion late, but I'm so glad that you and YH were able to have a calm discussion about it. I hope that you can move in the near future, if that is your desire.

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