Parenting Check-In

ATXmommas · July 2014

Morning, everyone! How was this past week! Feel free to share any successes, challenges, bloopers, or
general updates.

QOTW: I think @herbabymama‌ mentioned she wanted a QOTW about keeping romance alive after baby, so tell us - how do you do it? Or for those of us who are struggling in this department (hand raised), what are the obstacles?

JGY · July 2014

Good Morning! I'm going to do my best to post and run. I've been absolutely awful about bumping when I should be working, so I'm attempting to make better choices this week.

It looks like we've had some moderate success in the nap transition world this past week. Gabe successfully dropped his morning nap for Wed. and Thurs. of last week, and we had pretty good success over the weekend too (he did take a cat nap each morning in the car). And night sleep has been pretty dang great! He's just doing his 3am cuddle and nurse, and then actually sleeping until 7am! Woohooooo!

We did our best this weekend to keep him busy, which included our most successful trip to Costco ever, along with some good playground time. Then yesterday afternoon we put on the spinkler and invited over a friend with her daughter. The daughter is a full year and half older than Gabe, but they actually did a bit of cooperative play (which was met with open-mouth disbelief from me)! Such a great time.

QOTD: I have zero contribution to make here. We've had issues in this department since way before G was born. Part of it is our work hours, part of it is the dog's presence in our bed, part of it is just habit/routine ... who knows. Anyway, I'm looking forward to reading peoples' suggestions on this one (tonight, I'll read them tonight ).

2brides · July 2014

No new news here. The kids are doing great! We just bought their new uniforms for their new schools - they look so cute!

And amazingly, no one complained/argued about having to wear shirts/pants with buttons (they've hated to wear clothes with buttons since they were 2y!)

QOTD: We failed in this area. I have no advice other than don't ignore it when the kid(s) are really young. It is so hard to get back!

ETA: We do date nights 1-2x/month while the kids are in Parents Night Out - but because of time constraints/location, it ends up being a tired dinner and sadly errands that are easier to do sans kids. We've 3 nights away from the kids in 8y. 1 we went to a wedding, which was nice and 2 was the night before L had surgery so it really didn't count as a date night.

Karlamo · July 2014

I'll check in for @mamosey since I'm home with R two days a week.
We move today and tomorrow. We consider ourselves semi pro movers with how many times we've done it but add a baby and it's a whole new ball game:)
Sleeping is still terrible. One night we counted 8 times we were up nursing him. He's a big boy so there's no need to be up this much at 5 months. I think with us both bf it's a double edge sword, great to keep switching back an forth all night but if only my wife was nursing we'd probably be sleep training by now. As is stands we're giving him till 6 months to "self regulate" then we start sleep training boot camp.
The good things are he's starting to show intrest in food which is fun to think of sharing a meal with him in the near future. I think we'll do blw and purées. We also found a new daycare we like. It's a center and we're coming from a in home dc. I think it'll be a great fit for all of us.
QOTW: hmmmm. We try to get dates in where we can. It's been hard with selling/buying but now that's done I'd like to go out on dates at least 1/month. My parents kept Saturday night as their date night for 30+ years! They're still in love and happy as ever. I'd love to do the same.

ATXmommas · July 2014

This adorable little guy is 8 months today!

(Funny story about the PJs in this pic - I ran into Carter's recently to scour the clearance rack for some size 9M PJs. I found a few quickly and checked out. Only when I got home did I realize the little tag on his chest says, "Daddy's Little Hero." Oops!)

Ok - our check-in. I'm going to a be detailed because as I've mentioned before, I'm using my check-ins to go back and fill in my baby book.

Not sure how 8 months have passed since my favorite boy was born, but it has. He is generally so happy and so sweet. He is very active - crawling and pulling up everywhere. I met my friend whose baby was born 2 days before Ash this past weekend. Her little girl isn't scooting or crawling yet and Ash was all over the place. Crawling on top of her, crawling in the grass (we had a blanket down), putting mulch in his mouth. Sheesh. I have a theory that his mobility is influenced by being in group child care. My friend's little girl isn't in child care, so doesn't see other kids crawling and pulling up. Then again, all kiddos develop at their own rate, so maybe it's just that.

He's still drinking breast milk about 8 times a day. During the week he nurses at 7:30am, bottles around 10:30, 1:30, 4:30, nurses at 6:00, 7:30, 11:00, and 3:00am. He is eating a snack (typically fruit) after his first bottle and eats lunch (typically a protein and a veggie) after his second bottle, and dinner around 6:30-7:00pm. Our evenings are very busy. Z typically picks him up from day care. I nurse him almost as soon as I get home, then we all eat dinner, we play for a little bit, then he nurses to sleep. He's typically in his crib between 8 and 8:30pm and I'm asleep between 9 and 9:30. Up at 5:30am.

He likes most everything we have given him to eat, though he was quit suspicious of the portabello I gave him the other day. Favorites include watermelon, cantaloupe, tofu, bean patty, zucchini, tomatoes, and any type of bread.

Sleep schedule has ebbed and flowed for us. We've gone through good periods, but always come back to a rough patch. Right now he's waking up a few times a night. I nurse him twice and Z puts him back to sleep if he wakes between then.

I think he weighs about 19lbs. No clue about length - we'll have an official weight and height check at our next check up in a month. He's wearing mostly 9M clothing.

Other than all that, he's still teething hard core. I can see his top two teeth right under the surface. I'm hoping for his sake (and ours!) they pop through soon.

This little boy has my heart. His laugh is the best sound in the world and I love when he puts his arms up when he wants me to pick him up. Sometimes I linger when I drop him off in the morning just so that he will crawl towards me one last time before I go. Thankfully, he's not unhappy when I leave - he's perfectly content to stay and play with his friends. He brings me so much joy! Can't imagine life without him.

QOTW: @JGY - I don't have much to add either.

( I'm just so tired all the time. And we have only had one evening away from baby since he was born. I've been so nervous about my milk supply that the thought of going out for the evening and either finding a place to express milk or just skipping the expression all together freaks me out. My supply is probably established enough that it wouldn't be a big deal just to skip an evening nursing every now and then, but then I would be stuck with tingly boobs. But, we are in desperate need for some alone time to reconnect in a romantic way. My goal - date night in August (budget won't allow for it this month - boo).

ball.and.chain · July 2014

Things here are not too bad. My aunt is still visiting so I am spoiled with help -- she's leaving tomorrow so things will get interesting, but I've got to adjust to being home alone with B on a regular basis sometime, so it might as well be now. B has developed a pattern of being really fussy/upset from about 8 or 9 to 11 or 12 every night. This started almost exactly at the 3w mark. I'm no expert but according to what I've read in Baby 411, it sounds a lot like colic. The good thing is he is fine the rest of the day and sleeps well outside of that time period. The bad thing is that if we aren't going to bed at all until midnight when we are both back at work, when we will be getting up for the day at 5-6 with a feeding in the middle, we are going to be hurting big-time. His month pedi appointment is next week so I'll ask the doctor if she has any advice.

Ben's early arrival screwed up my maternity leave schedule a bit -- I was planning on going back the second week of October, but now need to go back earlier; we don't have daycare until October 1st but I need to go back in September. We are trying to work that out with my wife's work, my job, and our daycare provider.

I still haven't started pumping -- every day I say I'm going to start and I don't. The days just get away from you! One of these days it will happen and I'm looking forward to my wife being able to give him a bottle. I hope he's OK about taking it.

QOTW: Well I'm still in the post-partum "NOTHING IN THE VAGINA FOR 6 WEEKS" period so there is certainly nothing going on in THAT department. I can't even imagine. We're so exhausted and I would probably clock my wife if she touched my boobs. Our 7-year anniversary is coming up next month and we talked about leaving B with my sister and going out to dinner somewhere local...this requires getting him on a bottle first if we're not going to do some complicated scheduling with nursing. And my sister is going out of town a bunch so...not sure if that's happening.

ATXmommas · July 2014

ball.and.chain said:

QOTW: Well I'm still in the post-partum "NOTHING IN THE VAGINA FOR 6 WEEKS" period so there is certainly nothing going on in THAT department. I can't even imagine. We're so exhausted and I would probably clock my wife if she touched my boobs.

Bahahahahaha! So funny and so relatable! My lactating boobs are still off limits!

mwagner25 · July 2014

We are doing well here... Just flying through milestones right now. We went from no teeth to three teeth this past week, and the top two came in first then one on the bottom. He is crawling all over and pulling up on everything. He is into everything and tries to open every door/cabinet/drawer he comes across. Bedtime and bath time have been a little more challenging with the pulling up. We have to go back in several times at night to lay him back down. Other than him changing way too quickly things are great.

Oh, I almost forgot, we had a huge issue with my MIL yesterday. She lives in town here and we do not allow Her to babysit because we don't trust her. Case in point, she came over yesterday to bring lunch for L while I was at work and to see Oliver. They got things out for lunch and L gave Oliver some watermelon to start with while she went into the kitchen to heat up some spinach ravioli for Oliver. While L was out of the room my MIL decided to tear off a piece of bologna from her sandwich and give it to Oliver. First off, she knows that Oliver doesn't eat meat. Secondly she knows well enough that if and when we decide to give him meat it will not be lunch meat and bologna... Ugh! That is hardly even real meat! She tried to tell L that he was hungry but he had watermelon and our kitchen table always has several bags of puffs/yogurt drops/ect that Oliver can have. So she was totally just lying. I was sooo pissed! And it isn't really the small piece of bologna that pisses me off. It is the blatant disrespect for our parenting decisions.... Okay it's kinda the bologna also. I mean she had lettuce/tomato/cheese on her sandwich and giving any of these to him wouldn't have pissed me off so much. But I know she is worried that I am going to raise him vegetarian and isn't okay with it. So I feel like that is why she specifically gave him meat. I think she thought L wouldn't be mad (since L eats meat) but L was super pissed also and it has been a mutual parenting decision to not give Oliver meat. Ugh... I can't even write about it anymore cuz it is making me mad.

@ATXmommas Oliver will still breastfeed every 2 hours on days I am off. This is in addition to three "meals" a day and "snacks" inbetween. On days that I work he takes a bottle every 3-4 hours. I keep thinking he will cut back on the breastmilk intake but not yet.

QOTW: we are terrible about this also. We have had two dates in the past 8 months. I think we are moving in the right direction though bc we have started having conversations about making more time for us.... We just need to start putting actions to our conversations.

ATXmommas · July 2014

@mwagner25‌ - oh, that would make me so angry too! Our parents had a chance to raise their kids the way they wanted, now it's out turn, our rules.

The nursing schedule works perfectly well for now, it's just hard for me to imagine he will be down to only a few times a day by the time he's 12 months. But, it's gonna happen because although I don't necessarily plan on weaning at the year mark, I have already made the decision to stop pumping then.

Karlamo · July 2014

@ball.and.chain‌ ; B has developed a pattern of being really fussy/upset from about 8 or 9 to 11 or 12 every night. This started almost exactly at the 3w mark. I'm no expert but according to what I've read in Baby 411, it sounds a lot like colic. The good thing is he is fine the rest of the day and sleeps well outside of that time period. The bad thing is that if we aren't going to bed at all until midnight when we are both back at work, when we will be getting up for the day at 5-6 with a feeding in the middle, we are going to be hurting big-time.

The 3 week mark is when R started being fussy all day. He only could be held. The dr called it colic but we were in denial. The pedi said at 3 months it'll stop. Since we didn't think he was colicky I doubted it would stop. But low and behold at 11 weeks it stopped overnight! Perfect timing too with my wife's maternity leave ending.

If B is colicky just hang in there and tag team with your wife to keep your sanity. It's painful listening to the crying without being able to comfort them. Just know there is a end to it.

KH826 · July 2014

Things are going well here. Will turns 7 weeks on Wednesday. He eats like a champ, is smiling and laughing daily now, and has been sleeping really well at night for the last week or so.

We went to the outlets to do some shopping yesterday. We had clothes for Will that were gifts and too small or duplicates, so we did returns and bought him some clothes for Fall. I also bought some clothes for myself for work... I go back to work one week from today... Anyway, he did awesome yesterday. We were there for almost 5 hours, had lunch etc. he had two feedings and multiple diaper changes while we were there. He stayed awake and alert the whole time and no tears! I was super impressed.

Ok, I have a confession to make... I have been ignoring this issue and skirting around it for the last few check-ins and now I feel like I am going out of my way to not mention it and it makes me feel badly, so here it goes... I stopped pumping 3 weeks ago and Will is now entirely formula fed. I have been scared to talk about this because I know how 99% of the folks here feel about BFing. Honestly, I never thought I wouldn't BF - my wife and I both felt strongly about it too. But Will was on formula from day 1 in the NICU and i started pumping immediately. I pumped every 2-3 hrs for the first month and never got more than an ounce at a time. Will wouldn't take the breast. I mixed the breast milk I was getting with his formula for every feeding but then my small supply started to decrease. Sometimes I would get a half ounce. A few times I got nothing! I cried. I met with lactation consultants, I bought larger flanges for my pump. I took fenugreek. I drank mothers milk tea. I ate lactation cookies. Nothing worked, I was an emotional mess and my wife and I made the difficult decision for me to stop pumping. Anyway, I am not saying all this to justify this decision (well maybe a little), but instead to explain... I have been really scared to say anything here about this for fear of being judged or hated. I really enjoy being a part of this community and I would hate for this to ruin that. I hope I am just being paranoid and that everyone won't lose respect for me because I am not breast feeding...

Ok after all that, attached is a new pic of Will just because.

QOTW: I unfortunately have nothing to add here... Not sure when our first date night will be. Not sure when we will be intimate again. To be honest it hasn't been on my radar much yet. I could see a rut developing though. With that said, romance aside, I would say that my relationship with my wife is the best that it has been in a very ing time. Not to say that it was bad before -- it was not, but since Will was born our connection seems to be stronger and we both seem to be putting in more effort to be sweet and considerate and communicate well with each other. I guess it just feels a bit like a baby honeymoon period right now. So at the moment a lack of "romance" doesn't feel like it is having a negative impact on our relationship. I am sure that isn't forever though... We will see what the coming months show in this department...

Karlamo · July 2014

@KH826‌, ((big hug)), you should never feel guilty or embarrassed with how you feed your child! By the look of that pic he doesn't seem to be "lacking" to me. He looks happy and healthy!

Jazibel · July 2014

@KH826 - Please don't feel guilty!!

Formula is great for babies. I was formula fed, as are many many babies all healthy, happy and brilliant ;-) I'm sorry that you felt guilt or shame about not BFing. I wouldn't want any parent to feel bad about their decision in any department relating to their kiddo. Will's yours to take care of and you and your wife are doing an amazing job. I'm sorry that you had to let go of one of your goals. But I hope that you find our community inclusive and understanding.

JGY · July 2014

@KH826 - Major, mongo, enormous hugs to you, Lady.

I totally teared up reading your post and I'm still sniveling a bit. You made the right decision, absolutely, if it allows you to be a better parent (and all of us parent better with lower stress). I'm confident that in your heart of hearts you KNOW that no one here will think anything negative about your choice, but I'm going to say it out loud anyway:

YOU ARE A KICKASS PARENT WHO MAKES THE RIGHT DECISIONS FOR HER KID AND HER FAMILY! AND WE ALL SUPPORT AND LOVE YOU!

ETA - words, and also to say that @Jazibel makes a great point about having to let go of a goal. That is hard work, so let us support you through that in any way that we can.

Jazibel · July 2014

We had a low key weekend and spent it mostly at home which was just perfect. I was so tired and getting things done around the house, and going to the gym and pool with our little family was really nice.

Kaden loves swimming. EV bought him a vest that supports neutral buoyancy. So it will keep his head above water when he is kicking and using his arms, thus supporting teaching him to swim. It requires more supervision on our part but he loves it and is learning so fast. I swam at age 3 and went on to swim competitively (I was even recruited for Olympic training but was too old by 2 years (I was 13 but needed to be 11). Anyway swimming is really important in our family, so I love seeing Kaden enjoying the water.

Other than that Kaden is talking in longer sentences and mini-paragraphs. Its really fun. He's learning to count and the ABC's.

Owen is a little darling. He's been sleeping for longer stretches. He now goes down in the evening around 8-9 in the swing. EV and I watch TV, get chores done, etc. and wake him at bed time around 11 or 12. He nurses gets changed and goes to bed with me. We co-sleep. He sleeps and might wake to nurse a couple of times between 11-12 and 6-7. So I'm actually getting a lot of sleep (most nights). I love co-sleeping and wish I'd done it with Kaden. Kaden didn't really like sharing a bed and liked his own space, we even moved him into his nursery at 5 months (from the co-sleeper). Anyway I was getting up and sitting in the glider to nurse him 2 - 5 times a night. I would often fall asleep in the glider and hurt my neck. I'm not sure how long we'll co-sleep with Owen, but I am loving it to be sure right now.

Owen can hold his head up, laugh and smile. He's playing with toys now, mostly his "silky" a waldorf toy (a piece of silk fabric basically) but he loves it, rattles, soft blocks, etc. He's still rolling over front to back and vice versa which is a little scary but hey. My heart just soars when I look at him I love my boys so much! :-)

We had a negative incident this weekend. Another boy (about 6-7ish) was stalking Kaden while he was swimming with EV. The boy would swim up to him, swim under the water and pull on his legs. Yes Kaden is a 2 year old learning to swim!!! EV was right there and talked to the boy repeatedly calmly, asking him to desist and leave Kaden alone. Eventually he just hung out within two feet of where EV and Kaden where swimming no matter where they went in the pool. When she told me (I was on the lounge chairs with Owen). I came to stand by the pools edge and asked the boy to swim elsewhere - he always came back. I wanted to speak with his parent but his father looked really scary (and I don't scare easily) and I decided I might end up causing more harm than good by going that route.

QOTD: We definitely need to keep this part of our relationship in focus. We've actually had several dates in the last few months after going most of a year and half without a date. It's so nice to get away even if its just for a few hours (though we did have 1 overnight before Owen was born). Romantically we're doing better than after Kaden was born (or longest dry spell ever). But... nowhere near as focused on intimacy or even cuddling, etc. as we were pre-kids. It's hard for me when I've been nursing, and climbed on all day by my kids, sometimes I'm just not as open to transitioning over to being romantic.
I was just thinking about this yesterday and trying to think of ways to make time and put the effort back into the intimate-adult portion of a relationship. We've had our best success when we utilize the kids sleeping time and are flexible as to the spontaneity, and ahem... the speed. The days of lounging around together for hours are gone... for the time being at least.

ATXmommas · July 2014

@KH826‌ - I don't have time to say everything I want to say right now, but don't want to wait any longer to tell you what an amazing mom I think you are!

KH826 · July 2014

Thank you all for the support. I don't know what I was thinking to even imagine that any of you would judge me. Part of it is my own residual guilt. I feel a little like I let my son down and my wife... My wife has been really supportive, and she has gone out of her way to let me know that she doesn't blame me and everything happens for a reason.

My supply pretty much naturally dried up about three weeks ago, and the last LC I met with said I should take meds to induce lactation because my body was not doing it on its own. After a lot of consideration, we decided that wasn't the right path for us. Not now. With a newborn and me going back to work at 7.5 wks pp.

Anyway, thank you all for being so wonderful. I am comfortable with this decision now. I feel like this is what is best for my family now. For a couple of weeks it was hard for me to read other's check-ins that were focused predominantly on BFing. It just made me feel like a failure. But I have moved past the and I am at peace with how everything has worked out.

Thank you all again for your kind words and support!

redrockmama · July 2014

mwagner25 That would make me so angry. My wife and I are really worried that my mom will do similar things. We are pretty firm about no tv/screens, no junk or fast food, zero to little sugar, and I can guarantee she will try to break those rules because she thinks we are denying him such great pleasures. So sorry you had to deal with that.

@KH826 It breaks my heart that you think anyone here might judge you. Of course you are a great mom and doing what is best for you, your family and Will. It is hard to let go of a goal or ideal, it sounds like you are doing well with that, much better than me and my c-section for sure. I have nothing but respect for you and whatever decisions you make as a parent. Hugs!

M is a month old! I can't believe it. I need to do his monthly photo today. Well...I kind of feel like supermom today. I managed to make muffins, shower and go for a walk haha. It's the little things. I'm going to attempt to go buy clothespins so that I can sun our diapers. Wish me luck.

So my wife used to work for an international child abuse preventtion org so we know all about the crying curve and normal infant crying. M had us pretty convinced for the first 4 weeks that he wasn't going to be a high crier. Then, he reached his due date and turned into a totally different baby. The last week was SO hard. The only way to soothe him now is to nurse. One day I nursed for 5 hours straight and other nights/days for almost as long. My nipples are so mad at me. He won't take a pacifier or a bottle, he doesn't want to be held, rocked, sung to, anything. The only thing that works is nursing. I hope this is just a short phase because it just isn't sustainable and I worry about leaving him with a nanny for 8 hours if he is unsoothable.

Speaking of nannies, we finished our interviews but can't decide who to hire. One I like because I think she fits best with our family and our parenting style/philosophy but doesn't have a lot of experience with infants, the other loves, lives, and breathes infants, but doesn't share our beliefs about child rearing. We are thinking we will do a couple of follow up questions and then decide.

QOTW: We are also in the we have a newborn club and physical intamacy is not on my radar really. Romance is certainly still there though. My wife loves me so much more since M was born, which I'm definitely not complaining about. Our relationship is pretty awesome now, it was great before but it's different now. I don't know if/when we'll ever go on a date or leave M, I can't imagine it right now. I just want to be with him all the time and so does my wife since she is already back at work, she doesn't get to spend much time with him. This thread doesn't give me much optomism though haha. There has to be some romance winners out there who haven't chimed in yet.

trisholio · July 2014

Good afternoon all!

Things are good and crazy around our house these days. Baby K is walking, talking and def turning from a baby to a little person. She is still sleeping thru the night, but is waking up around 630 instead of 8am lately. I don't mind it so much because that is when my wife gets up for work now, so we get to spend a little time together in the morning before my wife leaves. We are also allowing her to eat more table food, but her main nutrition comes from formula and baby food.

M is a typical toddler. She gets quite sassy these days and having some problems with sleep. We are still struggling to get her to eat on a regular basis, one day she will eat like a horse and other days its like pulling teeth. She is a my little sponge and repeats so much of what I say. Her newest thing to say is "that is not okay!!" She will do something wrong and instead of me telling her no all the time I try to explain why things are not acceptable or appropriate. M is very sweet with my nephew and talks about the new baby coming that is still in my belly. I hope she doesn't get super jealous when baby Adalyn arrives.

QOTD: I am surprised this hasn't come up before on this group. I am honest and will say our "romantic life" has taken a huge dive since me being pregnant and also since the girls came with live with us almost 6 months ago. I feel so close to my wife in so many other ways and I feel like I love her more every day, but the physical side of our relationship has taken a backseat for sure. I am not sure when this will change, I am exhausted! But I do my best to express my love in other ways ;-)

Jazibel · July 2014

@wallace323 - I'm sending you warm thoughts for grieving your little Addison.

I almost started a "Confessions of a Good Mom" thread today. I might do it this week still. My reason was that I think many of us (myself included) post things from a positive perspective. But I think we all probably have various parenting compromises, failures and shortcuts that we use and may or may not share about as often. At least I do.

For instance since Owen joined our family I feel much more overwhelmed and we've eaten way more fast food or bad food then I ever imagined possible. Oh well ;-) Also with Kaden I mostly cloth diapered until I started needed disposables at night. With Owen we were given a huge package of Huggies. Before I'd have given them away. Now... my time and our budget has made that gift so helpful. Yes, I still cloth diaper, and I'm trying to get into it more with Owen. But everyday there is a compromise on some front.

@wallace323 - I'm currently in my PJ's and working on personal business while (Thankfully) the kiddos nap. And yes, there is way more crying when I have only two hands and two little beings that need my attention. The surprising thing? Owen is the sweetest most easy going kid. Despite not getting to be the sole center of my attention.

Anyway.. I could go on and on. I'm really becoming comfortable with not being perfect anymore, and with the idea that love might just be enough :-) It feels kind of good to air out the dirty laundry "so the speak"... Ugh... speaking of laundry........

JGY · July 2014

@wallace323 - big hugs to you! I'm so sad for your loss, and I know that the hurt doesnt go away. I agree with all of what @jazibel said (including the need for a confessions thread!!!!). We do often post from a really positive perspective, and while I think that it's helpful about 90% of the time, sometimes you need a little solidarity around the things that don't go as planned/hoped.

Anyway, we are all doing our absolute best. Of that, I'm sure.

@KH826 and @Wallace323 I'm really inspired by the bravery of your posts today. And while many of us might read them and say to ourselves "Hey, NBD, I totally did that ..." the truth is that we don't often talk about that stuff and we probably could stand to. So thank you for waving that flag and inspiring us!

trisholio · July 2014

I love the idea of a confession thread!

KH826 · July 2014

I also love the idea of a confessions thread! I have more to say, but will have to try to come back later. Just had bath time and for some reason have a very irritated baby (he usually loves it). Ugh!

Amber&Reva · July 2014

I follow this thread every week because I love following the lives of all the little ones on the board and wanted to comment to say how much I appreciated the raw honesty of @KH826 and @Wallace323 and like to say that I think you are all great parents and I hope I can be half the parent that you all are someday.

ATXmommas · July 2014

Everything that has needed to be said has been said, but I want to post this because I've been thinking about this all day. I was posting up a storm earlier this morning because I had a tire blow out on the way to work and had some time on my hands while dealing with that. Didn't have time to update during the work day, but I haven't gotten it out of my head because I'm so sad that anyone, especially our very special KH, would feel embarrassed or the slightest bit judged about an extremely personal decision about how best to take care of your son, and it pains me if I have done or said anything that made you feel that way.

Many of us knew you wanted and planned to breastfeed and when you shared your struggles early on, I think many of us spoke up trying to be helpful by providing our own suggestions or insight. In retrospect, that probably wasn't helpful or what you needed. You had some early challenges and not a single person can judge you on how you faced those challenges. There is no doubt in my head that you did not come to any decision lightly and without a lot of emotion. YOU and YOUR WIFE know what is best for you and your son. And, that's all that matters. My heart ached for you when you told us of your struggles - not because I was worried about Will - but because I knew that you wanted to breastfeed and how devastated you probably felt. When Ash was barely a month old and the doctor told me he wasn't gaining weight well, I felt terrible. Like it was a personal failing on my part that my body wouldn't make enough milk to help him grow. I spent days nursing and pumping around the clock to try to turn things around - and I was miserable. I cried almost constantly for two days straight. And then, I had a revelation. If I needed to give my son formula, so be it. My opposition to formula for Ash wasn't because I thought/think formula is bad or lesser-than; it came from a place of wanting to give my body a chance to make enough milk for him. But after two miserable days, I realized that I wasn't being a good mother to my son. It was more important that I supplement with formula if necessary and be a happier, healthier mother, than being miserable and crying all the time. And, having been through what I've been through, I can honestly say that I very much doubt I would have exclusively pumped had Ash not taken to BF-ing.

I also hope that I've been inclusive in my language here on the board. I would never want anyone to feel that I judge them for any decision they make. I do speak a lot about BF-ing here because it is a huge part of my parenting experience, but it's certainly not a projection of what I think other people's experiences should be. I do understand where you are coming from, though. On a less emotional front for me, I felt like I had to come out of hiding for not cloth diapering because we have lots of very enthusiastic CD-ers on this board. And, that's fantastic. But, we chose not to because we knew it wouldn't work for our family. And, then one day somebody asked a question about circumcision and there were some very strong opinions expressed about that. And, I felt judged. But, when I stepped back and took a deep breath, I realized that just because somebody expressed an opinion that was contrary to the decision we made for our son, it was just that - an opinion. Nobody was judging me or calling my parenting ability into question. We are all doing the best we can. No doubt.

And, I like the idea of a Confessions thread!

mwagner25 · July 2014

All I can say... Since have have literally two seconds is *big hugs* all around and I love our parenting thread today.

ATXmommas · July 2014

wallace323 said:
I'm enjoying all the honesty sparked by KH's post! I think there is a big resounding "yes" for a confessions thread.

I just want to add that, for me, it's not always a fear of being judged about my parenting, but a feeling of not being a part of the "originals" club. There was a time when the GTKY's were questions to call out 'favorite' bumpies. It's nice to know how close the community can be, but when you feel like you are on the outside (I'm sure not intended), it can be hard to fell 100% comfortable.

I know it wasn't meant this way, but when @ATXmommas‌ said "especially our very special KH" it does make me feel like some people are regarded more than others.

You're right. That was very indelicate of me and contrary to my goal of being inclusive, even though you are correct that it was not my intent. We can't do better if we don't know better, so thanks.

Jazibel · July 2014

Ok - I'll post a confessions thread Wednesday or Thursday. If anyone feels inspired to post before I get a chance to - feel free :-)

KH826 · July 2014

Confession: I tried to get my wife to do Will's last feeding so I could jump on here and respond to all the things I wanted to respond to. Buttttttt, she didn't take the hint (I didn't try very hard). Now baby is sleeping and I am zonked, so I will have to try again next time. Virtual hugs to everyone who participated in this thread today (@wallace323, I'm looking at you!

)

clairmeij · July 2014

Wow! Thank you all for your blatant honesty. Isn't there something comforting in knowing that we aren't the only imperfect ones? Weird creatures that us humans are. Anyhoo.... Our life is incredibly stressful lately. I resigned from the company that I've worked for for the last 13 years. I took a job at the same company that my wife works at. It is a one hour minimum commute each way. We took the opportunity to move closer to the office, because we've wanted to live in that general area for a while. The stress of having no spare time and living in a house that we are prepping to stage and sell 'in summer' when we can make more on the house - in reality we'll probably beak even - is taking it's toll on all if us. We moved Alarico into a new daycare which er much prefer. More nature teachers with more education, only 5 minutes from our new office, etc. He's doing remarkably well, but he's clingy, grouchy and sometimes a bit angry...not the sweet boy I'm used to. I have major mummy guilt. He was a late teether, curing his first tooth at 10 months, that means that in the middle of this tough transition he's also cutting four teeth. I love him so much, I wish I could make him feel better! Augh. We are just all absolutely exhausted, and he's not sleeping through the night, so we bring him into bed with us. Who knew that the perfect hippie parent that I thought I would be just doesn't exist!

JGY · July 2014

herbabymama said:

And this is what has me crying today: for weeks, my milk supply has been dwindling. I made it to the six month milestone (LO is 7 months now) and we are EBF plus food (that she is not really that interested in eating at all). I took vacation last week and I said goodbye to my pump for a week to see if my supply would increase with more frequent nursings, as she demands them every hour or so when I am with her... I thought it worked because she seemed contented but I'm back at my office and pumping is not going well. I've used all the frozen milk supply I had, and this afternoon I pumped 2 oz on one side then proceeded to dump it on the floor when I turned to detach the pump...

I actually got nose tingles (pre-crying for me) reading this. The memory of doing that very thing myself is SO vivid! It's reduced me to a puddle before. I'm so sorry.

JGY · July 2014

wallace323 said:

I just want to add that, for me, it's not always a fear of being judged about my parenting, but a feeling of not being a part of the "originals" club. There was a time when the GTKY's were questions to call out 'favorite' bumpies. It's nice to know how close the community can be, but when you feel like you are on the outside (I'm sure not intended), it can be hard to fell 100% comfortable.

@Wallace323 - I feel this way too sometimes. And I've been around these parts for eons. You're not alone.

Pinkspark · July 2014

I am so exhausted! The babies are in the middle of a growth spurt and eating every 2 1/2 - 3 hours and it's kicking my butt. I'm also still struggling to get a nap routine down. It seems like Little man prefers to eat, nap, then play. Little lady likes to eat, play, then nap. Which means momma is always on. Little man also needs a helmet for his flat head. I tried really hard to avoid head flattening, and here we are anyway. I'm kinda PO'ed about it, but I just need to do what's best for him! So he'll have his club foot bar and brace and a space helmet. I joke that he will already has a costume for Halloween!

I'm also getting increasingly nervous about going back to work on the 4th. I think it will be good for me to go back to work, but I will miss being with them so much! It sucks to leave them when they are starting to get so fun, and interact more. I think I have a huge fear of them forgetting who I am once I'm not with them a majority of the day.

@KH826 You rock. Seriously. My kids are also exclusively formula fed, and I hold my head up high. I tried. I really did, and it just wasn't working. Like you, my supply was not keeping up. I did the teas, the cookies, the diet- nothing helped. But I wasn't going to take a chance on my kids nutritional needs, so the choice was easy. We went with formula. Sometimes I get sad that I can't feed them the way I wanted to- but I just remind myself that I gave them what I could, and it's better for them to have a happy momma than a stressed out one all the time.

ball.and.chain · July 2014

I read this thread all day yesterday and wanted to chime in (again) but didn't have the chance. Let's see if I can get down everything I want to say today.

Regarding breastfeeding -- @KH826, I think you (and any other formula feeders, or supplementers, or any combination) have absolutely nothing to feel bad about. I think I have said once or twice that I am not "the biggest fan" of bfing; in all honesty I really don't like it at all and there are times when I sort of hate it. The actual physical act of it doesn't bother me, although I can never seem to find a comfortable position (I have a Boppy which I think is not as good for little newborns) and there are days when it is painful, it makes me hot, I get bored, etc etc. I also dislike my nipples always being a little sore, and I resent not being able to wear a real bra. Most of the time what I hate is the pressure of being the only person who can provide food for him and the way it tethers me to him at all times. Don't get me wrong, I adore him and love to be around him and snuggle him and sometimes just stare at him, but when I am NOT around him, I don't want to feel this leash tugging me back home and anxiety about how long I can be away before he has a meltdown. I have always been a person who likes alone time and I knew that would be an adjustment for me, but if I weren't bfing, I would have a little more flexibility. I am in physical therapy for my foot and have been leaving him with my wife, MIL or aunt while I am there. It's about 15-20 minutes each way to the PT office and a 45-minute appointment, so there's plenty of time for me to go and get back before he needs to be fed again -- IF the previous feeding is timed properly and he isn't cluster feeding. But since he's not on any kind of schedule and we never really know when he's going to eat, odds are the window for a feeding falls smack in the middle of PT and I either have to try to force him to nurse before I go when he's trying to sleep (generally unsuccessful) or know that he's going to wake up and be upset when I'm gone. Though I worry I will hate the physical act of pumping, I have really been looking forward to him being able to take bottles. And sometimes I think about how if I just switched to formula, I'd probably be happier. We got a free box in the mail from Enfamil when I was pregnant and it's on a shelf in our basement. Every time I pass it I just kind of look at it and think, "Any time you want that, it's there." Somehow it comforts me to know there's an out if I choose it.

I have been lucky not to have supply issues, and B has not had problems with weight gain or latching or anything like that -- so sometimes I feel guilty wanting to back out of bfing for my own personal reasons, knowing that there are women who desperately want to bf and can't make it work. The truth is I probably will keep going for quite a while, if only because I've made it this far, it gets easier, I have the supply (for now), it's free, I'm stubborn and said I would do it, etc. But I am certainly not going to be bfing past a year, I could see myself giving up around the 6-month mark, and I'm not much of a comfort nurser. There are times when B asks to nurse and I know he's just eaten and doesn't need food, so we give him his Wubbanub. I do not want to be a human pacifier. I get the impression that some of the women on this board really enjoy (or at least feel very positive about) bfing and it makes me feel like I am sort of cold and weird that I am sitting there while he takes his time rolling my eyes and saying, "Shit or get off the pot, kid."

Which I guess is just to say that there is likely quite a spectrum of feelings on bfing on this board, even amongst those of us who are EBF...and that is probably true for everything from CDing to CIO to circumcision to BLW to SAHMing. Like @ATXMommas, we had our son circ'ed and are using disposable diapers, and although I wouldn't say I necessarily feel judged for that (or maybe I just don't care if I am?), I do definitely feel that those are unpopular choices here. OTOH, I sometimes wonder if the judgment some of us feel is in our heads -- that we aren't necessarily being judged by others, but we assume we are because we know we've made different/unpopular choices. I'm sure there's a mixture. With both circ'ing and diapering, as with most decisions I have to make, I did a lot of research and made informed decisions based on that research and on our own circumstances, and I feel confident that I made decisions that were right for our family. But that doesn't always make you feel that others aren't judging those decisions.

@wallace323, I have a good friend who was pregnant with triplets and lost one about week after they were born (at 28ish weeks). I certainly can't imagine what you and your wife went through, but I've seen someone else go through something similar and my heart goes out to you and your wife. Like your kids, the one my friend lost was an ID twin of one of the surviving triplets. In her case, as in yours, I am grateful she still got to bring home and love and raise two healthy kids, but having those kids does not diminish the fact that you suffered a difficult and tragic loss. I'm sure your emotions regarding all of your children are complicated and I hope you are giving yourself space and time and permission to honor all of them.

I don't want to bash other boards, especially since I have had good experiences on a few (notably TTCAL and PGAL, where I have made some important friendships), but I am always impressed by the ability of people on this board to engage in rational conversations/debate without it deteriorating into name-calling, accusations, etc. Part of what enables us to have this kind of respectful discourse is that people like @KH826 and @wallace323 are brave enough to be honest about what they are really feeling and people like @ATXMommas are able to take comments like @wallace323's about "our very special KH826" and use it to improve the way we talk and behave on this board rather than getting offended, defensive or sensitive. We ARE going to disagree, judge (at least sometimes), misinterpret, offend, and put our feet in our mouths sometimes, and it really makes a difference that we are able to handle it respectfully. It's one of the reasons why I have stuck around so long and why I am willing to be honest about my own experiences.

ball.and.chain · July 2014

winstan1 said:
Wow. I sound like the world's crappiest mother. Really. I read to him.. I swear.

I think you sound pretty normal!

KH826 · July 2014

ball.and.chain said:

winstan1 said:
Wow. I sound like the world's crappiest mother. Really. I read to him.. I swear.
I think you sound pretty normal!

Agreed! You sound like a really good Mom to me!

Jazibel · July 2014

@winstan1 - all of those things happen in my house too. I think we're good
Mom's evev don't have the time to carve Kaden's carrot sticks into figurines ;-)

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