Allowing your child to choose when they want to hug others

Rach7170 · July 2014

So my family is a family of huggers. For the most part my 3 year old is cool with hugging everybody but, sometimes he gets in a mood. We have taught him to always be respectful and give a quick wave and a good bye. He does not have to hug if he doesn't want to. My grandfather and one of my brothers do not get this at all and always scoop him up and hug him anyways. While it seems to not bother Oliver when they do this, I don't like it.

My brother is childless and I'm not sure he'll get the importance of body autonomy. My grandfather is old school and just thinks he is just being shy. How do I approach this in a respectful manner to get them to stop? Or is it just something I'm going to have to be rude and firm on?

Stargirlb · July 2014

I agree with you. Children need to be allowed to have and police their own physical boundaries with others. I would just explain your philosophy to your relatives who have a problem with this as best you can. That's what we have done. I was raised the same way and remember my mom explaining. At one point I got embarrassed by her explanations so started hugging people more on my own accord.

Stargirlb · July 2014

Stand up for your kids. Their boundaries are more important than an adult's perception of what's rude or not. If anyone argues after you explain this well, that would disturb me.

myskyegirl · July 2014

Personally I'd just say, sorry he doesn't want to hug. He goes through these phases, maybe next time. Just because it's a child doesn't mean hugging is mandatory. No one would force a teenager or an adult to hug if they didn't want to so why should a toddler be made to give a hug.

Rach7170 · July 2014

Thanks everyone. I think I'll go with a bright "maybe next time!" And see how that goes. Otherwise there will be a conversation about it.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

DH just flatly says "he doesn't want to hug" and leaves it at that. You don't need to explain to the hugger.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

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[Deleted User] · July 2014

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Rach7170 · July 2014

I just get worried for him sometimes because he will say' "I don't want to hug." Then they scoop him up anyways and he just goes with the flow because that is what the hugger wants. I just want him to know that it is ok to say no and that people shouldn't force themselves on you in any way.

LucilleAustero · July 2014

My husband's family are super kissy (both sides of the face), huggy, and love to squeeze cheeks.

DD, almost 3, is pretty affectionate, but does not always want to hug or kiss. We taught her to say "I don't feel like kissing/ hugging right now". So far, people have been responsive and think it is cute that she will say that. Works for the moment.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

The only explanation they need is "His body, his choice".

RayRay007 · July 2014

I'm looking at this for some ideas. DH's family is huggers. They live 5 minutes away, yet every good bye is a big production with hugs and kisses. Ugh. Anyway, DD doesn't like to hug on demand. That's fine by me. As long as she says good bye and is polite. Yet the ILs literally wrestle with her to get a hug and kiss and they think they are playing and joking and she is obviously hating it. It has gone so far that MIL actually (accidentally) hurt her. And MIL wonders why DD doesn't want to give her hugs and kisses. I finally spoke with DH because he was all about making her hug people good bye and was not standing up for her (whereas I would say "that's fine A, just say good bye then" until the ILs hopefully got the point). I told him it's her body and her choice who hugs/kisses her. Andplusalso, his mom isn't getting anywhere on the affection front my forcing A and making her hate it. I agreed that she needs to be polite and say good bye, so now we are both supportive of her choice not to hug (although the ILs still try to force it), but make sure she says good bye. Hopefully the ILs get the point. On another interesting note, DD does hug my parents goodbye (and hello), but they have never forced it.

RayRay007 · July 2014

rvasc said:

I just say to her, "it is ok. You get to decide if you don't want to hug" in front of others. Nobody picks her up after that.

How do you interrupt FIL wrestling her to the ground to force a hug to tell her that it's ok if she doesn't want to hug. That's what my problem is. Seems totally passive aggressive. I'd rather just say "FIL, it's her decision if she wants to hug people." But that's hard too.

[Deleted User] · July 2014

RayRay007 said:

rvasc said:

I just say to her, "it is ok. You get to decide if you don't want to hug" in front of others. Nobody picks her up after that.

How do you interrupt FIL wrestling her to the ground to force a hug to tell her that it's ok if she doesn't want to hug. That's what my problem is. Seems totally passive aggressive. I'd rather just say "FIL, it's her decision if she wants to hug people." But that's hard too.

"Get off my child, asshole."

I really don't get how this is hard.

myskyegirl · July 2014

@rayray007 Lo might be receptive to hugging your parents because she knows she's not going to be bear hugged to the point of none escape. If your il aren't getting it, can you be firm with them and say "We have a rule, if A doesn't want to hug then we don't make her, and we enforce this rule with EVERYONE." Plus it might come off more if hubs says it rather than you.

RayRay007 · July 2014

prncebride said:

@rayray007 Lo might be receptive to hugging your parents because she knows she's not going to be bear hugged to the point of none escape. If your il aren't getting it, can you be firm with them and say "We have a rule, if A doesn't want to hug then we don't make her, and we enforce this rule with EVERYONE." Plus it might come off more if hubs says it rather than you.

Next time it happens I will try to be more clear and direct with them. Like I said, they think it's fun and games and she's just being a stinker, but no, really, she does not want to hug you. She's not teasing you.

Pips09 · July 2014

We never force our child to show affection (and an adult shouldn't be forced either). We'll ask if she wants to hug, if she doesn't, we ask if she wants to blow a kiss or give a high five. If not, we just ask her to wave. I've never had anyone have a problem with this, but I wouldn't care if they did. That's their problem.

RayRay007 · July 2014

TyrannosaurusLex said:

@rondackhiker has a really good article on this As @RayRay007‌ your FIL tackling her to the ground for a hug would be a serious issue with me that would warrant an adult discussion as to why it's unacceptable. If he couldn't respect that I'd literally stop seeing him.

Well, wrestling to the ground is a bit of an exaggeration, but yeah, they do grab her and pull her in while she's obviously resisting and wiggling to get out. Ever since MIL hurt her doing that and DH has been on my side, it's been a bit better, but still not where I'd like to see it. Thanks for strengthening my resolve on this issue.

LC122 · July 2014

Not to kick this subject up a notch but #6 in this article is why we never force a hug - teaching kids to be in control of their own bodies. Too many child predators have used the excuse of being polite or doing what you're told. Add that to the statistics of predators being relatives or "friends" of the family and you have a bad combination. Kids need to know they are in charge of their bodies and can say no.

https://everydayfeminism.com/2014/02/10-ways-to-talk-to-your-kids-about-sexual-abuse/

TinkL0ver · July 2014

My SIL actually physically took my nephews arms and wrapped them around me. Both he and I were really kinda awkward, I was trying to tell her that if he didn't want to hug me that it was okay, I understand but she really wouldn't take no for an answer. Later I told her that it wasn't cool for her to not only make him touch someone that he didn't want to but also she didn't think that I might not be in the mood for a hug and was a little grateful that he didn't want to give one. She brushed me off and changed the subject and I couldn't find it in me to pick a fight at that point. I had said what I needed to.

LBib · July 2014

A bit of a s/o but my relatives also think it is ok to tickle DS1 to the point of him being uncomfortable whenever and wherever. Yes he may be laughing, but that doesn't mean he's happy with the situation. When he asks to be ticked or as a quick tickle during rough-housing is a different situation. I think much of what was suggested will help me deal with my relatives too.

Unknown · July 2014

This content has been removed.

rin89 · July 2014

LBib said:

A bit of a s/o but my relatives also think it is ok to tickle DS1 to the point of him being uncomfortable whenever and wherever. Yes he may be laughing, but that doesn't mean he's happy with the situation. When he asks to be ticked or as a quick tickle during rough-housing is a different situation. I think much of what was suggested will help me deal with my relatives too.

Oh hell no! My father did the same thing to us kids, except he also pinched hard enough to leave bruises and would continue doing both until we were sobbing and begging him to stop. It was literally (and I do mean literally not "that's like literally so stupid") torture and I still cannot handle being tickled.

Please stand up for your child/ren! No one did for my siblings and I, and there have been some pretty serious consequences for the four of us.

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