Raising kind children

Re: Raising kind children

• jesuisfatiguee member

  July 2014

  RondackHiker said:

  One concern/question I had related to the second tip, where children are encouraged to consider the feelings of others before they act (like quitting a sports team) and that we should emphasize the feelings of others over our child's happiness. Isnt that considered part of what makes girls more likely to be victims of sexual violence? That they are told to value others feelings over their own? Is there a way to balance that?

  IME, yes, this could potentially make children more susceptible to sexual violence (including nonconsensual encounters devoid of struggle), as well as a slew of other abusive behaviors and manipulations in all kinds of relationships. It's a really trick line to tread between being kind and considerate vs. forfeiting your own autonomy in all situations.

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• ShakeyJakey member

  July 2014

  That definitely is a grey area that I have no idea how to navigate. If they wanted to quit a team I think I would frame it more in a "you made a commitment and it's not okay to break them" angle than a "think of their feelings" one.
  
  But in other situations, idk. If I don't teach my kids to be empathetic or kind because I taught them how to control their body and decisions, I think I'm okay with that, because them not being confident/educated enough to voice their wishes is one of my worst nightmares.
  
  Not that I don't want them to be kind, but that is not my first priority.

  Harry Styles = Life Ruiner

  
  

  There’s a lightning in your eyes I can't deny
  Then there’s me inside a sinking boat running out of time
  Without you I'll never make it out alive
  But I know, yes, I know we’ll be alright
  

  -----------------------------------------------------------------------

  J. 1.14.13 my reason for breathing 

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• ShakeyJakey member

  July 2014

  Don't reward your kids for cleaning the table? Like, don't say thank your or praise them? Why would I not say thank you? Just because I expect something, doesn't mean I don't say thank you.

  Harry Styles = Life Ruiner

  
  

  There’s a lightning in your eyes I can't deny
  Then there’s me inside a sinking boat running out of time
  Without you I'll never make it out alive
  But I know, yes, I know we’ll be alright
  

  -----------------------------------------------------------------------

  J. 1.14.13 my reason for breathing 

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• NotSharknado member

  July 2014

  If my kid wanted to quit a sport, he should do it without feeling guilty. There's a way to teach your kids to be kind without feeling obligated or guilt.
  
  Ds holds doors for people, gives up the last ice cream, picks something up that someone dropped and so on. There's no grey area IMO.

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• RondackHiker member

  July 2014

  ShakeyJakey said:

  Don't reward your kids for cleaning the table? Like, don't say thank your or praise them? Why would I not say thank you? Just because I expect something, doesn't mean I don't say thank you.

  
  Right?
  

  
  

  
  

   

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• ShakeyJakey member

  July 2014

  NotSharknado said:

  If my kid wanted to quit a sport, he should do it without feeling guilty. There's a way to teach your kids to be kind without feeling obligated or guilt.
  
  Ds holds doors for people, gives up the last ice cream, picks something up that someone dropped and so on. There's no grey area IMO.

  I meant grey area in regards to her specific question about kindness vs valuing others feelings above one's own. Not the article in general.
  

  Harry Styles = Life Ruiner

  
  

  There’s a lightning in your eyes I can't deny
  Then there’s me inside a sinking boat running out of time
  Without you I'll never make it out alive
  But I know, yes, I know we’ll be alright
  

  -----------------------------------------------------------------------

  J. 1.14.13 my reason for breathing 

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• NotSharknado member

  July 2014

  Uh, I thank my kids when they do something for me. Just like they thank me.

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• ShakeyJakey member

  July 2014

  I think this guy is a little off base here. It's an older age than I have but I don't see most of these examples being realistic or helpful to teaching kindness.

  Harry Styles = Life Ruiner

  
  

  There’s a lightning in your eyes I can't deny
  Then there’s me inside a sinking boat running out of time
  Without you I'll never make it out alive
  But I know, yes, I know we’ll be alright
  

  -----------------------------------------------------------------------

  J. 1.14.13 my reason for breathing 

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• ShakeyJakey member

  July 2014

  @RondackHiker‌ I'm glad to see you post. we've missed you. Everything okay?

  Harry Styles = Life Ruiner

  
  

  There’s a lightning in your eyes I can't deny
  Then there’s me inside a sinking boat running out of time
  Without you I'll never make it out alive
  But I know, yes, I know we’ll be alright
  

  -----------------------------------------------------------------------

  J. 1.14.13 my reason for breathing 

  Report3 Reply
• RondackHiker member

  July 2014

  ShakeyJakey said:

  @RondackHiker‌ I'm glad to see you post. we've missed you. Everything okay?

  I'm just a bit overwhelmed transitioning to being a SAHM. It's going well, but holy crap they keep me busy.
  
  I'll pop on the board and read a bit but I haven't worked out time to post much. I just need to hide in the bathroom more, maybe.
  
  I'm also letting myself get really wrapped up in my kids right now. I feel less sad about my friend when I'm with them than any other time.

  
  

  
  

   

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• RondackHiker member

  July 2014

  NotSharknado said:

  Uh, I thank my kids when they do something for me. Just like they thank me.

  
  I agree.
  
  I also thank the mail man for bringing mail and the waitress for bringing food and I expect them to do that. Thanking someone is polite and isn't going to make them not be nice.

  
  

  
  

   

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• SebsMum member

  July 2014

  ShakeyJakey said:

  Don't reward your kids for cleaning the table? Like, don't say thank your or praise them? Why would I not say thank you? Just because I expect something, doesn't mean I don't say thank you.

  I think the article meant 'reward' in terms of giving presents because the next example references modeling gratitude for those doing everyday tasks.
  
  I agree with the article for the most part, but I also share the concern that girls are too often told to consider the feelings of others over their own.  It seems like it would just be a case of modeling both kindness and self-possession.  In the scenario of quitting the band/team (how many times did the article bring that up?) I guess you would just talk your child through weighing the feelings of others vs what's fair for your child.
  

  

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• ShakeyJakey member

  July 2014

  SebsMum said:

  
  

  ShakeyJakey said:

  
  

  Don't reward your kids for cleaning the table? Like, don't say thank your or praise them? Why would I not say thank you? Just because I expect something, doesn't mean I don't say thank you.

  
  

  I think the article meant 'reward' in terms of giving presents because the next example references modeling gratitude for those doing everyday tasks.
  
  I agree with the article for the most part, but I also share the concern that girls are too often told to consider the feelings of others over their own.  It seems like it would just be a case of modeling both kindness and self-possession.  In the scenario of quitting the band/team (how many times did the article bring that up?) I guess you would just talk your child through weighing the feelings of others vs what's fair for your child.
  
  
  If that's what it meant it's a little different. I don't have kids that age so I wasn't sure. I'm still not sure I agree still though.
  
  

  Harry Styles = Life Ruiner

  
  

  There’s a lightning in your eyes I can't deny
  Then there’s me inside a sinking boat running out of time
  Without you I'll never make it out alive
  But I know, yes, I know we’ll be alright
  

  -----------------------------------------------------------------------

  J. 1.14.13 my reason for breathing 

  Report0 Reply
• klondikebar member

  July 2014 edited July 2014

  Team overthinking it and grey area. Yeah, I don't understand this one.
  
  For example, before kids quit a sports team, band, or a friendship, we should ask them to consider their obligations to the group or the friend and encourage them to work out problems before quitting.
  
  If a child is an active member of a team, then she needs to consider the teammates in regards to effort and attendance. Quitting the team is a personal/family decision IMO. In general, I don't think most kids quit a team for shits and giggles. It's most likely overwhelming their schedule to the point of impacting school or the dislike is so great it's causing the child stress.
  
  Don't get me wrong, I do believe there is a valuable lesson and character building in sticking out a less than desirable situation, but sometimes the negatives are so great that it's in the best interest of the child to simply quit.
  
  
  

       
  

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• klondikebar member

  July 2014 edited July 2014

  I expect my children to do chores as a part of the household. I don't praise them each time they complete a little task, but they are regularly thanked. They are also rewarded indirectly. By being a productive member of the household, they enjoy family activities, cash for activities with friends, the more expensive jordan basketball socks instead of the plain ones etc.
  
  They aren't spoiled and don't receive all of their wants, but if my children were lazy butts, they wouldn't get any extras. I wouldn't put myself out walking around an amusement park on one of my rough days or rearrange my schedule to fit in dropping off a kid at the movies if they weren't appreciative and helpful.
  

       
  

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• dashofreality member

  July 2014

  The one thing I found interesting was the 80% felt that their parents were more concerned with their achievement or happiness than if they were caring community members. The happy part doesn't bother me, but it is sad to think of how many parents are teaching their children that the most important thing is their 'success' in school/sports etc.

  I think it is good to have a reminder though that putting emphasis on being kind is important. I sometimes feel that you can't win though, I try to make a point to acknowledge when DD is being kind to her brother, but then apparently I'm going to ruin her with overpraising. I try and model, and I will get my kids out volunteering and experiencing other cultures and areas, and then hope for the best.

  DD Nov 2010 ~ DS June 2012

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• billybumbler member

  July 2014

  @mcbenny makes great points

  
  

  The kindness/empathy thing is an ongoing conversation. I think the author is coming from a place of parents telling/modeling to their children that only they and their feelings matter.

  
  

  Instead we have to talk to children about how their feelings definetly matter, but the feelings of others matter too. And that our actions make people feel a certain way. Then you can create opportunities for kids to do caring/kind actions and see the positive outcomes.

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• pepperedmoth member

  July 2014

  I think it is important to always CONSIDER the other person's feelings, but also to know that there is a difference between *considering* and *deferring to.*
  
  I always want my kid to consider the feelings of others, always, no matter what. Whether he needs to defer to them is a whole different issue.

  

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• NotSharknado member

  July 2014

  klondikebar said:

  I expect my children to do chores as a part of the household. I don't praise them each time they complete a little task, but they are regularly thanked. They are also rewarded indirectly. By being a productive member of the household, they enjoy family activities, cash for activities with friends, the more expensive jordan basketball socks instead of the plain ones etc.
  
  They aren't spoiled and don't receive all of their wants, but if my children were lazy butts, they wouldn't get any extras. I wouldn't put myself out walking around an amusement park on one of my rough days or rearrange my schedule to fit in dropping off a kid at the movies if they weren't appreciative and helpful.
  

  I agree with the household part. Ds has chores that need to be completed every week. Not so much a thank you, but I do acknowledge the fact that he brought the garbage cans in without being reminded. 

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