I've created a monster

courtyowl427 · July 2014

Walking into work this morning, I wondered to myself why I am TTC, because I already have a freakin' child. A big, cranky, 32 year old one. H works a physically demanding job and ton of overtime, so at times I over compensate and do a lot for him and take care of the house, bills, etc. myself. I am big girl, I can do it. But for some reason, I am super annoyed today with his lack of ability to complete simple tasks and clean up after himself.

If I have to pick up one more beer bottle cap, or pair of socks on the dining room floor, you may just see me on an episode of Snapped! And I am CD 14 today, and it really makes me want to have sex with him. No wait, it just makes me want to punch him in the face.

Ok, end rant. Thanks for listening.

sister13 · July 2014

I REALLY never thought I'd have a chance to use this gem again. I guess this is a more common sentiment than I realized.

Also goddammit, I accidentally post-fail posted this on the UO/FFFC!

Damn it Sister, pull it together!!

littlewest1 · July 2014

Not to be a downer but you might want to get these issues worked out before you have a baby. Having a child sometimes can make simple issues much bigger and often puts a strain on relationships. The first few months are very hard. It might make sense to have a discussion with your DH now and set expectations for the future in terms of household duties.

catahoulatte · July 2014

Well you certainly aren't going to have more free time to clean when you have a demanding newborn that only sleeps 2 hours at a time at night and catnaps during the day (do ones that sleep for long stretches actually exist?). You're going to need to talk with him about at least cleaning up after himself before you get pregnant. Lack of sleep and adjusting to a new baby don't make marital issues go away.

brettanomyces · July 2014

Some men need to be told directly what to do. Sometimes I'll give my H a list, with a reasonable deadline. We've also sat and made a list together of things that need to get accomplished and we take turns choosing who will do which tasks.

cdubs85 · July 2014

I agree with PPs. The fact that your husband uses his job as an excuse to not help around the house or even with things he should be doing such as cleaning up after himself, is not ok. Many of us work and have to find the time to clean up and do all the household chores. A newborn is not going to fix this problem and he won't "magically" start helping when you have one. Maybe a talk is all he needs to understand that it's not fair to place all those chores on you! Good luck!

hullabalou · July 2014

H and I have had several LONG discussions about this and he has gotten much better. I only work part time, but I take at least 5 classes a semester, sometimes more, and even though I am home more than him because usually one or two classes are online, I'm usually busy ALL THE TIME. Cleaning up after him is not my responsibility. He is much better about it now than when we were first married.

itshumpday · July 2014

Guys are dumb sometimes. They wonder why women "nag". Here's to hoping you are just extra cranky and this passes!

SayAnything84 · July 2014

Men are babies

kelley72 · July 2014

And to be contrary, sometimes little things become even more insignificant with a newborn to love and care for. My dh does need direct please do's not generalized help me more; however as I've aged the small things don't bother me as much anymore.

Best wishes you can put your frustration aside and get busy for a few days... and remind him of how sexy he is once he's done a.b.c.

icaughtfire · July 2014

If someone walked around behind me picking up after me constantly, never told me there was an issue & to start pulling my own weight, I probably wouldn't pick up or pitch in either. Talk to him & make your expectations clear. He's a man, not a mind reader.

jt305 · July 2014

OP--are we married to the same person? DH works very long hours in the spring/summer and that is when I have much more free time, so all household things fall on me. Plus, DH grew up VERY spoiled by my MIL, so he expects that treatment from me. Well it doesn't happen! When he "cleans up the kitchen", he puts the dirty dishes in the sink, doesn't wipe off the counter, rinse dishes, or put them in the dishwasher. I get where you are coming from. If I react in a calm way and redirect him (like my kiddos at school), he typically does better the next time. When I go back to work in a few weeks, he does step it up around the house (we always, ALWAYS have a little sit down to get him to realize that I am back and work and not cleaning up the house all day). Most guys are dense--they need guidence.

Bee1112 · July 2014

I love my husband something fierce but sometimes I want to smother him in his sleep.

He thinks because I'm a SAHM he can leave shit everywhere and I'll clean it up. He has gotten better since we talked about it but come on man! Like when you spit after you brush your teeth, rinse the fucking toothpaste down the drain!!

3houlagirl · July 2014

@Joy2611‌ I currently have a load of DHs clothes in the dryer, and a load of mine slowly mildewing in the washer. I cannot. get. this laundry shit. together.

It bugs DH when I do this, but this weekend the bathrooms HAD to get clean. Something had to give.

themrsJRD · July 2014

I'm not sure everyone in this thread has had to deal with their spouse working 90+ hour work weeks. This happens in our household on occasion and I do what I can to pick up the slack. I think it's reasonable for me to do that without bitching at him for it seeing as he spends his time at home sleeping just to go back to work in 6 hours. OP, I get frustrated sometimes with this too. I tell myself if he will still mow the lawn in the middle of summer while working this much, I'll pick up around the house (though I'm no model housekeeper).

Now when he works a normal schedule it's a totally different story. Each has to pull their own weight in that situation. But if I was working as much as he does sometimes, the last thing I would want to hear about is leaving a towel on the floor or something. I'd just want to sleep and not have to worry about housework.

catmagick · July 2014

MH and I have been thorough this. I love him to the moon and back but he is very much in outer space a lot of times. If I specifically ask him to do something he will do it, but I need more help than that. We had a real heart to heart recently because I told him I just couldn't do everything all the time. It's partly my fault because I do have a superwoman complex of "I'll just do everything!!!11!!!11!" But it's way too stressful. Now he helps me out so much more. If I notice something and say "I need to change the cat box" instead of thinking "Okay, she said she's going to change the cat box" he says "I'll do it" and does it. It's so much more helpful!!! Because now I'll be like, that's great I can start dinner while he does that! It's part of being in a PARTNERSHIP, which is what a marriage is. I really hope you guys can try to work it out.

themrsJRD · July 2014

Joy2611 said:

themrsJRD said:

I'm not sure everyone in this thread has had to deal with their spouse working 90+ hour work weeks.
My husband works that much. I work slightly less.

I can still get mad that he isn't efficient and I have to work a lot and then come home to clean up after him. Nope. Not happening.

Me working less doesn't make the de facto maid of his sloppiness.

You say you work slightly less- I wouldn't pick up after him either if that was the case, I'd hire a cleaning service. But seeing as I work a normal 40 hour week and spend twice as much time at home as he does I hardly think it's fair to say he also ALWAYS has to do half the housework. If it's a light workweek for him, sure. If all he does is work, shower, and sleep, then I'll take care of the little things in the house like putting his laundry in his basket or throwing away bottlecaps. I may roll my eyes some days because I'm annoyed, but it's not like he wants to work that much.

PrimRoseMama · July 2014

Honestly you need to have a sit-down discussion of your needs. Partners (male or female) don't know what you need unless you lay it out.

Cleanliness & spotting of necessary tasks to achieve that end are often learned behaviors. Some dudes are used to Mommy picking up after them. They never really got the opportunity to learn.

My husband is awesome at this because his mom is a never-ending nag-a-thon. He often just ID's & does things. I got lucky. Our only issue is laundry. He likes to do the piles (no folding or sorting) of clean laundry. It drives me insane but it's been this way for almost 13 years. At least he does the laundry without having to be told is what I tell myself. :-??

~Mrs.Wise~ · July 2014

OP our husbands are twins. DH is at work that much and he leaves a trail from the fridge to the couch to the bathroom whenever he is home. He was very spoiled by his mom and 7 sisters (Yes I said 7. Feel free to take a moment to say a prayer for me). Where it becomes my fault is I never bring it up until I've been picking up after him to the point where I become spastic and irrational. I feel your pain.

catwine · July 2014

courtyowl427. Until recently he has always left his socks, watch, jeans, work crap, etc any and everywhere in the house except for where it belongs. I got super annoyed because I thought he expected me to clean it up after him. We had a talk about it and I told him I'm not his maid. He said he didn't expect me to be and just wasn't in a hurry to put his things away. I told him it bothered me since I have to be home and look at it all day. He tries to clean up after himself now, but every week or so I go though the house and gather all his stuff into a box and leave it for him to put away.

Maybe talking to your H about why it bothers you will help you guys too! Good luck.

courtyowl427 · July 2014

Thanks for the feed back ladies. When I wrote this I hadn't had coffee yet and was feeling some type of way! I've calmed myself down now.

Plan on having a talk with him tonight. A lot of this is my fault becuase I take on a lot and don't say anything. Followed by one small thing happening and me flipping the freak out! Then he has no idea why I am pissed and I kitchen sink the past 3 months into one long rant.

I have to learn to express myself better and set clear expectations for him. Maybe, just maybe, I won't have to punch him in the face tonight!

Ladymouse · July 2014

I even brought this up during pre-marital counseling.

"Let's be clear. It's been drilled into us - good wives don't nag. But you expect me to tell you to rinse your toothpaste spit out of the sink EVERY DAY, put your dishes in the sink after EVERY meal, take out the trash when you are gingerly piling things on top of it... That is a direct contradiction. It makes me ANGRY that I have to tell you to do these things. It makes me angrier that you expect me to tell you every single time the daily chores you assigned to yourself need to be done."

Despite covering it in pre-marital counseling - still our biggest marital problem.

Then I say I want to have a cleaning schedule in place. He says we need to get the house to a baseline clean first. WTF? (DH's baseline clean comment was not because of my poor housekeeping. MIL has a far higher level of tolerance for mess than I do. She rearranged my kitchen specifically so there was more space to pile dirty dishes. WTF, NO. Put it back NOW.)

ginger1228 · July 2014

I'm trying to learn to let my husband do some things on his own timeframe but it's hard. I am really good about cleaning stuff up right away and being efficient - wash dishes while dinner is cooking and then wash the dinner dishes right after dinner. Put laundry in the hamper instead of on the bed/floor just to move it later. MH doesn't get that. He leaves stuff laying around and then there's more to so later.

But seriously - wtf is up with not putting dishes in the drink, trash in the trash can, clothes on the floor?! The sink/trash can/laundry basket is RIGHT THERE. We should all poll our husbands for their reasoning and report back. I'm sure my husband's answer would be "I don't know." :-??

Wine&Cupcakes · July 2014

Budders12 said:
@DovahFel‌ I'm kind of in the same boat. I do more of the actual cleaning in our house (bathrooms, countertops, mopping, etc), but I am always leaving things around that make the house look cluttered and messy. It's worse now that I am working summer school and H is not; he has taken on most of both roles and I'm the one not pulling my weight. We're pretty good at calling each other on stuff though and then following through on doing our part.

BUT it does annoy me that when H empties the dishwasher, he leaves half of the dishes piled on top of the stove because "he doesn't know where they go". We've been in our house 3 years and there are only 4 cabinets to choose from. Trial and error would only take about 30 seconds.

Omg. If I hear the "I don't know where it is" or "where does it go?" one more time I will lose it. Now I just tell him to look. DH doesn't register messes. The dog could crap on the floor and he is content to step over it. He has ADD and it's hard for him to focus like that.

So, I started to remind him to "scan his environment" and it is a phrase we have both adopted. When he attempts to clean he reminds himself to look for everything because he has a bad habit of cleaning up half the mess and leaving the other half out, which requires my intervention. I told him that he isn't being helpful if I still have to complete the task. He's better now but it will also be a work in progress for him to develop those habits.

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I've created a monster

Re: I've created a monster

LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:

DX (me): Inborn error of metabolism - protein restriction, metabolic formula & weekly blood tests

DNA Results (7/1): DH is NOT a carrier for my genetic disorder!

7/3: Metabolic clinic gave the green light to TTC - holy crap!

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