I feel like a horrible person (Step-child mentioned)

LindseyM2012 · July 2014

So my husband and I go out of town at least once a month to visit his son who lives a 6 hour drive away. I love this boy to death and always look forward to these weekend trips. But not this one. I don't know why, but I just don't feel up to going.

My stepson came to visit us for a whole week about a month ago. Out of nowhere, he asked me if I was going to have a baby. He is 5 years old so I do not take any offense to this, of course. But it just kind of stung. During this week long visit, both my husband and my mother-in-law slipped up on completely different occasions and referred to me as "Mommy". They both quickly corrected themselves and attributed it to the fact that I am so good with him and he loves me so much that it is as if we truly are mother and son. I cannot tell you how much that sucked.

My mother-in-law usually goes along on these weekend trips. Don't get me wrong...I love her to death too. I talk to her more than my own mother. But I know she wants another grandchild. It has never been explicitly said (or maybe my husband mentioned it to her), but I think she knows we're trying to have a baby. She says everything except, "When are you going to have a baby?" Instead she'll say, "WHEN you DO have kids, how many do you want?" Or something similar.

I usually don't interact with my stepson's mother, but every single time I see her I can't help but constantly beat myself up about how easy it was for her to give my husband a son (he was an unplanned child) and I just cannot. I just don't want to face any of this over the weekend. I'm thinking about asking my husband if he would mind if I stayed home this weekend.

I'm sure he'd say it was ok, but I just need someone to tell me it is ok to be this selfish.

Skkuss · July 2014

I think it's perfectly fine. Tell him you need time to yourself. It's difficult enough that we beat ourselves up that we don't need others doing it for us. You could take the time to de-stress. Do what makes you happy.

ashtownyeah · July 2014

We all have our moments, and sometimes they come out of nowhere or we are triggered by things we see/do everyday but for some reason that time is different. Don't beat yourself up! Take care of yourself, I vote you skip this weekend and let the boys have some bonding time. I think your H will understand!

steen9713 · July 2014

It's OK to be selfish and to give your self some space to have some alone time. It's totally normal to feel like this. And I get the MIL, except mine was very direct in asking me and I had to explain my IF situation. She took the news well and doesn't ask as often. Best of luck and enjoy your time to relax and maybe even do something special and spoil yourself we all deserve that sometimes

lilmamapanther · July 2014

My DH and I have my step-children every summer. It's hard with IF. I know you love your step-son. I love my step-children. We all understand how hard this situation can be. Feel your emotions don't try to block them and then let relax and enjoy the time with your step-son. Hope that helps you some. ☺

catlover790 · July 2014

I think you need to do what you feel is best for you. IF is so hard and others really don't understand the emotions. I think if you feel staying home would give you some time to yourself to relax and take some "you" time you should! I'm sure your DH wouldn't mind having a weekend to do "boy" stuff and your stepson might enjoy that too! I hope you get to have a restful weekend at home! I'm sorry this has been hard!

BunnyBerry · July 2014

I'm so sorry. It sounds like it's hitting you from all sides right now!

I guess there are many different ways to "mother" children, but it makes sense that being seen as a mother figure to your SS who is someone else's son could be painful. Do you think you or YH could ask his mom not to talk about children with you because it's a sensitive and painful subject? I think sometimes parents or in-laws think that if they don't drop hints or remind a daughter/son about having children, they'll just "forget" how important it is. Perhaps she honestly thinks she is being polite and sensitive by never asking directly when you're having kids? Or perhaps she has an idea that you are trying, like you said, and thinks it wold make you feel special to talk about your hopes and plans, and doesn't realize it hurts?

I'm so sorry it is hurting to compare the child he had (as an accident!) with an ex, and the fact that you struggle with PCOS. Perhaps it would help to remember that the child was a surprise blessing to their lives (and perhaps yours), but not something they got because they "deserved" it more or because her body was worth more than yours. Whether the IF is caused by something in your body, YH's, or both, it's still simply a couple's diagnosis and problem, and it always seem that we (or our husband's) blame ourselves, but I never see spouses blame each other.

There's nothing wrong with foregoing the 6 hour monthly drive to see SS this month when it's been a tough month. I'm sure YH can frame it as special dad-son time and it could be a great memory.

LindseyM2012 · July 2014

@amylev80, I am sorry you are experiencing something similar. Just like having the conflicting feeling of being happy yet sad about a friend's pregnancy, I am happy and sad about having a stepson but no child of my own yet. That constant vacillating between emotions can be exhausting. Thank you for your support!

@BunnyBerry, I think you hit the nail on the head about my mother-in-law. I think she is trying to be polite by not asking TMI questions, which I completely appreciate! I also think she wants to be involved in this part of our lives. She's certainly not pushy or anything, but she assumes that we are in the point of our marriage where this discussion is appropriate (which it is, but we're not having good luck here) and wants to be kept in the loop. I think her politeness and appropriateness makes it harder for me to ask her to stop talking about things. I have been considering asking my husband to talk to her, so maybe I'll start there.

Thank you, ladies, for the support! I don't know what I'd do without this board! I'm going to talk to my husband about staying home this weekend.

ETA: I have no idea why this posted as a quote....

theholmanherd · July 2014

I may be a little late to the party, but I would stay home. One instance of backing out should not be a big deal. I hope you get a chance to recharge.

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