WWYD: Friends w/ Babies

gsancho · July 2014

**I think the post title kinda gives it away...but baby is mentioned below...**

My BFF had her baby last week. She's a proud momma, and I'm very happy for her. She also lives up in South Dakota without many friends (she moved for her husband's job), so she has a habit of texting every detail of what she's up to. She's very supportive of our IF struggles and is way more understanding than most would be....but when I say she texts every detail, this includes her pregnancy and baby. She would text after every dr appt, she'd update us on her symptoms on Mondays (granted she had a complicated pregnancy so at times we wanted to know if she was doing ok), lots of ultrasound pictures and videos, belly pics...you get the point.

During her pregnancy, I had two conversations w/ her that at times it's a bit much, and I won't always respond, depending on my emotions - she understands, never gets upset, lets up a little bit but eventually goes back to sending frequent updates. Now that the baby is here, I get AT LEAST one pic a day. And I get tagged on her FB posts (b/c she considers me to be the baby's aunt - she tags me with her family).

((Sigh))...she's the sweetest person ever, and I'm tired of having "the talk" where I bring up my IF issues and how I may not always want to see the updates. But do I suck it up and have the chat with her, yet again? Do I let it be and hope that as she gets busier with the baby, she'll let up? Do I not respond to any of her texts until she gets the hint? I know the adult thing is to have the talk with her, but I'm so sick of explaining myself !

LindseyM2012 · July 2014

I've just recently had to deal with something similar! It is such a difficult thing to be genuinely happy for your friend but sad about your situation. It is so hard to find a balance since she may not fully realize the impact of IF on you (she may be supportive and understand IF in theory, but she may not be able to completely emotionally empathize). This is not her fault, this is not your fault...it just is.

My advice would be two fold:

1) Don't respond to EVERY text. Perhaps pick which texts don't bother you too much and respond to those. The ones that really hit you hard, don't respond at all (allow yourself that). The ones in the middle, give yourself a moment to pause and reflect in order to make your decision on whether or how you want to respond.

2) I would have another talk with her. I don't know how specific you've gotten about what bothers you about the constant updates, but saying something like this might be helpful: "You know I love you and love [the child]. And you know I'm really struggling TTC. I am so happy for you and would like to keep in the look, but I'm worried the constant updates and baby talk is just too much for me to handle right now. If you could keep the photos, both FB and text, to once a week (or whatever frequency you think is appropriate), I'd really appreciate it. I'm still going to be your best friend and [the child's] aunt, but I'm overwhelmed right now." I think setting concrete limits with people, especially since she knows about your IF so you can explain logically why the baby overload bothers you, is helpful. She may not even realize how many pictures and texts she is sending you. Putting numbers on it may help her see.

gsancho · July 2014

Maybe I'll only reply to select texts and I won't always respond ASAP...? She did slow down to one per day since she got home, and once her mom flies back to Texas, I think the once a day thing will die down.

It would be one thing if she was doing this simply b/c she was oblivious to how annoying it may be...I know a big reason is b/c she is sad that she is going through this so far away from her family and friends. And this girl is seriously a saint - she sends me cards, flowers, messages, etc., on my big IF days, like my ER and days I learn of a BFN. How she decided to be friends with my selfish ass, lord knows.

WishUponAChild · July 2014

Rumbera28 said:

Ugh! That's a horrible position to be in. Since you've already had two conversations with her, I doubt that a third one will provide different results unless it's a massive blow up that she won't forget. It's probably not worth it.

There is something about first babies that makes some women lose all sense of proportion when it comes to over sharing. And I hate to say it, but her updates will not let up until she has a second child or until that LO grows up, gets married and/or has their second.

I've had to distance myself a little from very good friends because of this. It's not their fault, and it's not my fault either.   I used the old "I'm unplugging from FB/technology" excuse which works because I work in the tech field.

Ignoring her messages or having lackluster responses will hurt her feelings, I guarantee it. I remember someone last year who responded with EVERY baby text with a pic of her own about her dog and details about his poop, etc. and her friend eventually got the picture.   Maybe a little humor might work.

Um this is golden! I don't know who this person is but they are my personal hero!

LindseyM2012 · July 2014

iPutKetchupOnKetchup said:

gsancho said:

Maybe I'll only reply to select texts and I won't always respond ASAP...? She did slow down to one per day since she got home, and once her mom flies back to Texas, I think the once a day thing will die down.

It would be one thing if she was doing this simply b/c she was oblivious to how annoying it may be...I know a big reason is b/c she is sad that she is going through this so far away from her family and friends. And this girl is seriously a saint - she sends me cards, flowers, messages, etc., on my big IF days, like my ER and days I learn of a BFN. How she decided to be friends with my selfish ass, lord knows.

-------------------------------------------------

This might be your answer. Since she is so supportive (i.e. listening, sending flowers/messages, etc.) maybe the next time she does you can use it as an avenue to drop another hint. For example, if she sends you a message, card, flowers, calls to check in, etc. you could say something such as "thank you so much for your (insert gesture). I really needed that. I feel like every time I log on FB or go somewhere I'm being blindsided by babies and pregnancy. It has really hit me hard recently. It's not like I think people are trying to hurt me on purpose, but for whatever reason - it does. Anyway, thanks again." Maybe hearing something like that will turn on a light switch and she will realize that she too does those things and it may serve as a gentle reminder of those conversations you had during her pregnancy.

If that doesn't work, or if you think the advice is completely dumb, then you need to be more firm and direct. I'm not saying you should go all Ketchup-on-TriCare on her or anything, but if gentle reminders and subtle hints aren't working, you need to step it up a notch. Let us know what you decided and what the outcome is. Good luck, lady.

Edited because.. do I even need to explain? Le sigh.

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I like this too. If you don't feel like you are able to set concrete, numbered limits on the baby updates, this could be a good seed-planting. And then as a little time goes by, talk numbered limits.

It does sound like she is a great friend and support, and it is actually a compliment to you that she wants to share all of these things with you. But you do have to take care of yourself too. I'd never advise to put such a great friendship on hold until you're not as hurt by IF issues, but you do have to make sure you are attending to yourself as well. That is not selfish.

I actually had to block my best friend of 20+ years from my FB feed because there were constant baby updates (along with all the other people who post pictures/statuses of children/pregnancy). This has helped my sanity personally, and I don't think that is selfish. I still talk to her about baby, ask questions about baby and her adjusting, etc. because she is my best friend and that's just what you do. But this way it is not always in my face.

thirtyninetoforty · July 2014

Tough spot you're in. Good advice given by everyone. Just follow your heart. She considers you family, she loves you and I am sure you love her so be true to yourself and your feelings.

catlover790 · July 2014

I'm sorry you are having a tough time with your friend, she does sound supportive so that makes it even harder I'm sure.

If it were me I would unfollow her on Facebook and choose the privacy where you approve tags for those photos. Then you could choose say one day a week where you are feeling up to looking at the photos and look at them all and approve them. For the texts photos could you see if she could make a photo sharing? I have an iPhone and my friend (who has a baby) puts all the photos on a shared album and I can look at it when I want to. She said I should get alerts whenever she posts a picture (but I turned this off and she doesn't know that) so I can look when I want to. Maybe that would mean less photos through texts?

I too think ketchup's idea is great! I think maybe it would be a different way to approach her and make her realize. I hope you can come up with a way to still keep in touch but in a way that makes you comfortable too! Good luck!

catlover790 · July 2014

@JlambertJen‌ and @Rumbera28‌ Thanks! It actually was my friend's idea but I'm glad she did because I only look at them once in awhile. I can ask my DH how to do it if you want!

bravegrace22 · July 2014

ugh sorry you're in such a tough situation. it does sound like she's a really great friend though! ik it can be really difficult to be supportive even when you love someone and their child dearly (been there), there are just some times when you are just at your IF limit. as far as friends' kids DH and I refer to our closest as our pseudo children, because for us we love them as if they are our own and know that it takes a village and no matter what we're going through, will always want to be there for them. not to say it's not super hard some days and that we haven't avoided spending time with or talking to certain friends on certain days, but sometimes we just have to take it for what it is. anywho, since you are so close and open and she seems to follow your IF journey so sweetly, maybe you could beat her to the punch on particularly bad days...DH and I have had a 'code word' for my bad depression days or when I feel a panic attack coming on that we've segued into IF- "bad hair day". Whether it's just the two of us or we're out somewhere, when i say this he knows that i'll need some extra love, patience and understanding that day or knows how to handle the situation and get us out without causing a scene. I don't think you necessarily need something like that with her, but maybe just having another talk with her to explain that you are happy for her but if you txt her that you're having a bad IF day for her to please be mindful of sending any updates. That way, too, she'll know that you're just having a rough time and you're not mad at her or anything.

BunnyBerry · July 2014

Based on what you said, I wonder if she would be offended by your request to cut down if she really "accepted" or "believed" it, so she's acting like it wasn't a big thing or was just a temporary thing and trying to normalize everything to the way that she feels comfortable with. I don't know, but to me it sounds like she can't see that there is a way for you to be a loving life-long "auntie" while also being less involved in the child's infancy.

I love some of the PPs ideas. I would probably count texts and FB tags for a week, then talk to her in person or by phone and let her know that these updates are more frequent than any other aspect of your life, and you need a little room to breathe and not be reminded of children every day because it unfortunately keeps IF at the forefront of your mind as well and you need some breathing room from that.

I have simply ignored most of the posts and texts from friends with babies, and just reply once in a while to something that was really worth sharing. I don't think anyone's been offended.

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WWYD: Friends w/ Babies

Me 33, DH 37 -- TTC since Jan'12 -- Low AMH (0.78) & endo, SA w/ low motility
IUI's 1-3 = BFN, IVF converted to IUI 4/13 = BFN
IVF 1.2: 8R 6M 4F -- 2 blastocysts frozen, FET 8/15 = BFP!!
Beta #s = 445;1,098; 9,545 -- EDD 5/2 -- Team Pink!

Re: WWYD: Friends w/ Babies

Me 33, DH 37 -- TTC since Jan'12 -- Low AMH (0.78) & endo, SA w/ low motility
IUI's 1-3 = BFN, IVF converted to IUI 4/13 = BFN
IVF 1.2: 8R 6M 4F -- 2 blastocysts frozen, FET 8/15 = BFP!!
Beta #s = 445;1,098; 9,545 -- EDD 5/2 -- Team Pink!

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Want a personalized experience?

WWYD: Friends w/ Babies

Me 33, DH 37 -- TTC since Jan'12 -- Low AMH (0.78) & endo, SA w/ low motilityIUI's 1-3 = BFN, IVF converted to IUI 4/13 = BFNIVF 1.2: 8R 6M 4F -- 2 blastocysts frozen, FET 8/15 = BFP!!Beta #s = 445;1,098; 9,545 -- EDD 5/2 -- Team Pink!

Re: WWYD: Friends w/ Babies

Me 33, DH 37 -- TTC since Jan'12 -- Low AMH (0.78) & endo, SA w/ low motilityIUI's 1-3 = BFN, IVF converted to IUI 4/13 = BFNIVF 1.2: 8R 6M 4F -- 2 blastocysts frozen, FET 8/15 = BFP!!Beta #s = 445;1,098; 9,545 -- EDD 5/2 -- Team Pink!

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

Me 33, DH 37 -- TTC since Jan'12 -- Low AMH (0.78) & endo, SA w/ low motility
IUI's 1-3 = BFN, IVF converted to IUI 4/13 = BFN
IVF 1.2: 8R 6M 4F -- 2 blastocysts frozen, FET 8/15 = BFP!!
Beta #s = 445;1,098; 9,545 -- EDD 5/2 -- Team Pink!

Me 33, DH 37 -- TTC since Jan'12 -- Low AMH (0.78) & endo, SA w/ low motility
IUI's 1-3 = BFN, IVF converted to IUI 4/13 = BFN
IVF 1.2: 8R 6M 4F -- 2 blastocysts frozen, FET 8/15 = BFP!!
Beta #s = 445;1,098; 9,545 -- EDD 5/2 -- Team Pink!