giving unsolicited advice

QOTR · July 2014

I know how we all feel about receiving advice, but do you ever feel compelled to give it?

I had an uncomfortable moment yesterday. My niece, a sweet lil' mama to 3 little ones, shared a cute video of her 6 month old daughter waking from a nap. Her little one is quite possibly the happiest baby I've ever seen. Anyway, I was disturbed to see that the crib was full of blankets and a boppy and I don't know what else. I think she's a good mama, but her and her family have a very relaxed style. She's not the type to frequent message boards or do much reading. I, on the other extreme, do way too much reading and keep myself stressed out. I had an internal debate as to whether I should say something. I finally decided that I had to, otherwise I would hate myself if there was ever a sleeping incident. I did it in the most careful way I could, acknowledging that I'm the nervous, rookie parent. She took it well and didn't appear to take offense. However, I still don't feel 100% good about it. I don't want her to think I was judging or criticizing. What would you have done? How would you feel if you received advice like this? I think I would appreciate if someone noticed and advised me of a safety issue I was violating (if I was wearing the K'tan wrong or didn't have my baby buckled in the car seat correctly, for example). Ugh. Being a part of the parenting world is hard.

Edited to correct typo.

giggler25 · July 2014

I think you did the right thing. Like you said if anything ever happened you'd feel guilty about not saying something. As long as you did it gently (which it sounds like you did) don't stress. Parenting world is tough though - agreed!

lavendergiraffes · July 2014

I think you did too and it makes me wonder if I should say something to my SIL. She on the other hand (pulls up judgy pants) is not a great mom. I won't get into everything but she takes her two dogs on walks in the morning (and to smoke a cigarette). Apparently she puts her 15 mo old in a high chair, puts food in front of him and leaves to go on a walk. My FIL discovered this last week when he just happened to be there. Her reasoning? "I'm just gone for 5 minutes!" Ummmmm what?? You did the right thing saying something but do I attempt to? (Sorry for the thread hijack)

QOTR · July 2014

eek @kimbus22. I was hoping it didn't come across as "passing judgment". I really think that maybe she just wasn't aware of the guidelines, so I was considering it info sharing and hoping she didn't feel criticized.

@libbylu7 - that's a tough one. I'm not sure I would say anything. Especially since I wasn't the one to personally discover this.

spacepotatoes · July 2014

I agree with @aimee223. When it's a legitimate safety issue, it's probably better to say something. I think you did the right thing too.

I'm having the same internal debate with myself right now. A FB friend posted a pic showing her 14month old not at all buckled correctly in to his car seat. She's posted similar pics of her other two boys in the past as well. But I'm not 100% sure they were actually driving at the time and she does have other pictures from that same trip where he is in ok, so I don't know. I feel any kind of comment or question I post would come out wrong.

MissLadyTay · July 2014

I wouldn't say anything.

Ziegeficker · July 2014

You say you would appreciate someone giving you comparable advice, but you wouldn't. I wouldn't have said anything. Honestly, a blanket in the crib is not a big deal. If you feel like saving children, donate some food or money to your local food bank or volunteer in your community. Poverty kills way more children than Boppy pillow.

Jelainey24 · July 2014

Isn't it ok to have blankets in the crib if LO can roll over? I wouldn't expect to have the crib full of blankets and a boppy, etc. because that can be hard for a 6-month old to push everything around, roll around in I imagine.

We all give and take advice in different ways, so you can only do what you think is right and let the receiver decide how they take it.

jenb_99 · July 2014

I wouldn't say anything.

But I leave DD in her crib -- which is currently being used to store blankets and stuffed animals since she sleeps in a bassinet in our room at night -- while I'm putting her clothes away or when I need to go to bathroom. If she falls asleep while she's in there, I leave her till she wakes up, and I don't take the plushy things out. They're on the other side of the crib and nowhere near her face, but they're in there nevertheless. I've even posted pictures of DS (2.5) playing in there with her and building a wall of critters around her.

I'd like to think my friends and family members know better than to believe I'd let her sleep in there overnight or for any length of time unattended. They also know my house is tiny and I can hear my kids from any room.

Also, DD sometimes falls asleep propped in the Boppy next to me on the couch. I wouldn't be uncomfortable letting her do the same in her crib, especially if I was in there with her or could check in on her every few minutes. I don't apply strict nighttime rules to naps.

cnbean · July 2014

@kitchencolors Just curious, but why does the AAP recommend against the Snuza (or similar devices)?

gypsymystic · July 2014

You did the right thing. My sister's niece (BIL's sister's child) passed away due to a sleeping incident. Sparing the details but she was in an adult bed because she was a twin, and they went to visit family members and only brought one PNP, my sister's MIL who WAS a close family friend felt it was completely safe, and often slept her kids & grand-kids in the bed, put her there. She was 6 months old and it goes without saying the incident was totally devastating to all who knew her. My sister and I had preached safe sleep practices to her MIL from day one, as she ended up getting custody of the remaining twin and CONTINUED to sleep her in the same fashion. Eventually she basically flamed us both and told us to butt out, because she felt like "god would not take another baby from her..." but I would have felt so guilty if I had not said anything at all, especially given what did end up happening. Our kids were 6 weeks apart... (my DS1 who is almost 5 now) and I can't be around my sister's MIL anymore. Her irresponsibility among other things, both terrifies and sickens me. Sorry for the rambling and very sad post... brings up too many emotions. However, I for one, absolutely feel it is necessary to broach the subject in a situation like you are describing.

gypsymystic · July 2014

...and wow to the folks saying it does not warrant saying anything. I would rather come across 'judgy' then know someone I know lost their child! But then again, I have seen 'the worst thing' that could happen- happen and I must add having a convo with the person did not end up being any help. Tragically.

QOTR · July 2014

Thanks everyone for the feedback.

@Azlebella‌, I'm sorry for the loss your family suffered. Very sad.

pistolpackinmomma · July 2014

How old is the baby? DS has had a blanket since I think 9 months. Of course he currently has a crib full of stuffed animals (6 wubbanubs with the paci snipped off, a little Elmo, a monster, a small sock monkey, and a goodnight Elmo) and a blanket and his new pillow should be getting here soon. He is 18 months. It's quite the party in his crib.

Ziegeficker · July 2014

Azlebella said:

...and wow to the folks saying it does not warrant saying anything. I would rather come across 'judgy' then know someone I know lost their child! But then again, I have seen 'the worst thing' that could happen- happen and I must add having a convo with the person did not end up being any help. Tragically.

The medical community doesn't know exactly what causes SIDS, which is why the advice can be a little all over the place. But the most recent research indicates that it has more to do with mothers who smoke, babies who were born prematurely, and babies sleeping on their stomachs. The recommendation that babies sleep on their backs stems from the fact that babies are more wakeful on their back and are therefore able to more easily wake themselves in the event of an apnea-related event.

SIDS is undeniably the most terrifying thing in the world for a new mother, but I feel strongly that mothers should not be out policing the actions of other mothers on Facebook, no matter how good their intentions are. The reason? You have no idea what a single picture or video denotes about that family's habits — Everything you're inferring is an assumption you're making from a presumed moral and intellectual high ground. Furthermore, I resent this notion that people who spend time reading parenting books or perusing online forums have any sort of leg-up over people who don't (and I belong to the former group). That may not have been OP's intention by pointing out the dichotomy of parenting styles, but by stepping in and correcting the "relaxed" styles, she is definitely implying that. And that isn't lost on the recipient of the critique, I promise.

I guess it would be different if the behavior of said parent was unanimously horrible, but it doesn't sound to me like this situation qualifies. That is why I wouldn't say anything. It's not because I fear looking "judgy."

pistolpackinmomma · July 2014

Azlebella said:
...and wow to the folks saying it does not warrant saying anything. I would rather come across 'judgy' then know someone I know lost their child! But then again, I have seen 'the worst thing' that could happen- happen and I must add having a convo with the person did not end up being any help. Tragically.

Wait. Am I getting this right? You know someone who lost a child to SIDS and you think she could have prevented it? Now that's fucked up.

gypsymystic · July 2014

pistolpackinmomma said: ...and wow to the folks saying it does not warrant saying anything. I would rather come across 'judgy' then know someone I know lost their child! But then again, I have seen 'the worst thing' that could happen- happen and I must add having a convo with the person did not end up being any help. Tragically. Wait. Am I getting this right? You know someone who lost a child to SIDS and you think she could have prevented it? Now that's fucked up.

@pistolpackinmomma - It was not SIDS at all, the official cause of death was asphyxiation. Much like the OP was concerned about, it involved blankets and pillows which, in this case, became wedged between the mattress and the wall, suffocating the baby. Nowhere did I mention SIDs... and yes, in my opinion, it was a death caused entirely by unsafe sleep practices which could have been prevented. There are many ways to sleep a baby in a bed or crib which are safe, she chose an unsafe method.

gypsymystic · July 2014

Ziegeficker said:

Azlebella said:

...and wow to the folks saying it does not warrant saying anything. I would rather come across 'judgy' then know someone I know lost their child! But then again, I have seen 'the worst thing' that could happen- happen and I must add having a convo with the person did not end up being any help. Tragically.

The medical community doesn't know exactly what causes SIDS, which is why the advice can be a little all over the place. But the most recent research indicates that it has more to do with mothers who smoke, babies who were born prematurely, and babies sleeping on their stomachs. The recommendation that babies sleep on their backs stems from the fact that babies are more wakeful on their back and are therefore able to more easily wake themselves in the event of an apnea-related event.

SIDS is undeniably the most terrifying thing in the world for a new mother, but I feel strongly that mothers should not be out policing the actions of other mothers on Facebook, no matter how good their intentions are. The reason? You have no idea what a single picture or video denotes about that family's habits — Everything you're inferring is an assumption you're making from a presumed moral and intellectual high ground. Furthermore, I resent this notion that people who spend time reading parenting books or perusing online forums have any sort of leg-up over people who don't (and I belong to the former group). That may not have been OP's intention by pointing out the dichotomy of parenting styles, but by stepping in and correcting the "relaxed" styles, she is definitely implying that. And that isn't lost on the recipient of the critique, I promise.

I guess it would be different if the behavior of said parent was unanimously horrible, but it doesn't sound to me like this situation qualifies. That is why I wouldn't say anything. It's not because I fear looking "judgy."

@Ziegeficker I never said it was SIDs, I am aware that the medical community is not sure of the cause of SIDs, what happened to my sister's niece was something else entirely. She suffocated on pillows and a blanket, and was trapped against the mattress and the wall. There was a gap- had the blanket not been wedged within it, she would have simply rolled off the bed and most likely lived. She was also left overnight in the bed unattended.

letal316 · July 2014

@Azlebella‌ So sad, sorry to hear that.

gypsymystic · July 2014

Thank you both for the condolences, it has been 4 years since we lost her and I still think of her every single day.

This is her memorial page... https://mariah-nevaeh-case.last-memories.com/

Sorry for the sadness and the thread hijack.

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