Advice needed - Grandma and TV

Rachel623 · July 2014

Back story - My mom retired and moved in with us to watch LO when I went back to work. Her husband was supposed to retire and move to our city months ago, and she would then move out but watch LO full time at either her house or my house. Most things are great, but I don't want LO to watch TV. When my mom moved in she said that's impossible because she would like to watch TV during they day. I said that is fine but to limit it to just her shows (no cartoons, baby shows, etc) because I really don't want LO to watch TV yet. I caught her with a show on twice, but my mom said she did not realize she could not watch show X because it was not a cartoon. I made it very clear - absolutely no TV aimed at children.

A few weeks ago I found out that she was letting LO watch the baby channel on a regular basis. I was so mad that I had to walk away or it would have been a huge fight. When I went back to work on Monday, I reminded her, no TV. She got really defensive and told me that if she is going to watch LO then she needs to watch TV, it's good for LO, gives my mom a break, etc. I said it is not ok and we can get someone to watch her part of the time if she needs a break. I started looking into day cares, talked to my DH to make sure we're on the same page etc. We sat down to talk to my mom a few day later and she said that it's time for her to move home anyway, she missed her husband (he decided to retire in a few years instead of moving to our city now), and that she would be back for our next baby to get them to about the same age. She said we didn't need to talk about the TV because it's a moot point. We've been looking into day cares and have it narrowed down to two, both of which can take her mid August.

Current issue - My niece is staying with us for a few weeks. Today she asked if she could watch TV and I told her that LO can't so I will put it on for her and we will play in the nursery. She said that LO watches the baby channel every day with Grandma because Grandma says it's good for her learning. I asked her a few questions and gathered that it is more than one show per day, before and after her naps and that Grandma told her not to tell me. I have not said anything to my mom yet.

I do not know what to do. I'm afraid if I say something now or block those channels, she will take it out on my niece for telling me. We don't have another place to watch LO during the day for almost three weeks. But I'm also really upset at my mom. I realize that TV is not going to kill LO, but there have been countless studies that say screen time for kids under two delays their language development, depth perception, etc. I feel like I did a ton of research and made a decision that I feel is in the best interest of my child and my mom has decided that she knows better, has done something different and now repeatedly lies to me about it. At this point it is about so much more than LO watching TV, even though I still really don't want her to watch it.

Any advice? I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place and don't know what to do.

If you got all the way done with this, I really appreciate it. I realize it's a novel.

pinottoparenthood · July 2014

I understand how you feel. However, if your mom is watching your child for free, and clearly chooses not to respect your wishes (since she knows how you feel about it), there's not much you can do. Maybe show her am article or two about how TV watching isn't good for kids her age and how kids learn better from adults than TV? And you can give her some suggestions of ways she can teach your LO instead of relying on the TV. At the end of the day though, herein lies the problem with free care. If you are really adamant about no TV and your mom refuses to comply, there's really nothing you can do except pay for a childcare provider who will be contractually obligated to watch your child more on your own terms. Good luck !

Rachel623 · July 2014

We do pay her and cover all of her living expenses. It ends up costing more than daycare will. At this point we are switching to a day care anyway. I guess I'm more concerned about what to do for the next 3-4 weeks until her spot at day care opens up. I'd also like to not ruin my relationship with my mom in the meantime. I'm tempted to just not say anything, but it's going to be a long month and I hate this feeling.

JSS1002 · July 2014

Tough call -- mom is watching kid as a favor, but also living in your house. I'd probably stick the kid in daycare and not bother with any conversation about it... And think twice about her role with your next kid.

skidderdo · July 2014

Get rid of the TV.

skidderdo · July 2014

No, but seriously, this would drive me insane. When I advertised for a nanny I specifically said "we don't own a TV, don't want LO watching devices, and want someone who is comfortable with this." I asked the same question at the interviews. I know it seems passive aggressive, but I would get the TV out of the house. No it isn't going to kill your kid, but YOU are the parent. It sounds like, although your mom is helping you, you are helping her too AND are paying for her help... so it seems completely reasonable for you, as the PARENT, to draw lines. Your mom should respect this. My parents have no problem with the "rules" I've established.

CanukMam · July 2014

I would block the channels or get rid of the tv. Not mention your niece at all, perhaps not even have a discussion. Sounds like you've already talked about it at length. She knows how you feel and doesn't care.

tondraluv · July 2014

I had this same exact issue with my MIL watching B at her house the one day a week she had him. She always put on the baby channel for him after I expressed that I don't want him watching tv. I learned that you can't dictate what others do in their home so I sent him to daycare that extra day. Since it is you home though, my advice would be to just block that channel.

MKC12/22/2006 · July 2014

If you are against LO watching the tv, don't have tv. You can even frame it as a whole family challenge not to watch. I'd wonder what other rules your mom isn't following is she is so blatantly disregarding one of your biggest ones.

bumpuser5078523 · July 2014

It isn't just the baby shows its all TV. I'm not against a little TV, but you have made your wishes quite clear, she should respect them. I would make it so she couldn't watch at all. Remove something so it doesn't work, like the cable box or power cord to the TV. She really shouldn't be shocked at this point.

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