Could not stop crying this weekend :( (BFP mentioned, not mine)

wanderlust508 · July 2014

Saturday morning woke up and was looking forward to a weekend with the hubby. We were making breakfast in the kitchen. It was only 9dpiui so I hadn't taken a HPT yet. But I was starting to have the sinking feeling that this cycle (once again) didn't work. BUT I didn't want to think about it this weekend. Silly me, thinking that was even possible! As we were doing breakfast prep, DH returned a call from a friend of his. Talked to him for a while. I heard "Congratulations." and "When is she due?" I just started tearing up immediately. Then he hung up and said "P's wife is pregnant. She's 13 weeks." I think he is still figuring out just how much this kind of news hurts me. When I didn't say much in response, he said "Well, I'm happy for them." I was just so mad at him (for no explainable reason). He does this thing sometimes when I'm cooking where he'll come up behind me and grab my boob. He chose THAT moment to do it. I turned around and said "I swear to God if you grab my boob right now, I will lose it." He started raising his voice and said he didn't understand why I was upset. "Just because P's wife is pregnant? We'll get there. It's not a competition." I just started bawling and told him there was no way that we could even know that it would ever happen for us. And I felt so alone with the IF. He was like "You're not alone. You have me!" And I know I have him ....but the IF doesn't hurt him as much as it does me ...and THAT makes me feel alone. I told him that he never seemed to be affected by our monthly failures and he said "I am! I just don't always show it. Would it be better if I freaked out each month and got really upset? That's just not how I handle things." I told him how bloated I felt from the fertility treatments (and likely my fibroids) and that I was disgusted by my own body. He told me that he thought I was the sexiest woman in the world and that he didn't see what I saw. And he said that he wanted a baby but he thought we had a pretty good life even without one ...and that he was so thankful every day for the life we have together. It was sweet. Then later that day we had lunch at a Japanese place. He said "Here, you have the last pork dumpling ....you've had a hard day." (LOL). That evening we went to a comedy show. One of the opening acts was a plus-sized girl whose whole act centered around her as the "fat girl". She talked about guys who approached her who had a thing for fat women ("chubby chasers" she called them). Then she singled out my friend sitting across from me and said "Hey, look at this skinny bitch eating little nibbles of her chicken strips." Well that "skinny bitch" is my PREGNANT friend (almost 6 months actually). Didn't exactly do much for my self esteem/body image to realize that my pregnant friend looks slimmer than me. I've never had the perfect body but I did used to feel pretty good about it. Lately, I have felt like a bloated cow and I just don't feel sexy or attractive at all

Especially these past few days when I've become so bloated that (I'm not even exaggerating), I look pregnant.

Then yesterday morning I emailed my RE to tell her how bloated I felt and to express my concern that the fertility meds were causing an increase in my fibroid size. Took a HPT (10dpiui) and it was negative. She responded and told me to schedule an ultrasound to measure the fibroids again. It hit me that if I end up having to go through surgery, I could be benched for up to 6 months. And that just struck me as so unfair. So again last night as I was folding and putting away laundry, I just started crying again. Like shaking, lips quivering, UGLY crying. My DH held me and told me to just let it out. He turned on a song on you-tube and started doing a funny dance to make me laugh (and it worked, I DID laugh between the tears). But then he also just let me vent about how much all of this hurt. Thank God for an amazing DH. He doesn't always completely understand me when it comes to IF but he really does try. And I don't know if I've ever loved him more.

I'm waiting it out til Thurs beta day (3 more days) but somehow I have a sinking feeling that it will be negative. This whole monthly routine of waiting 2 weeks (that feel like 2 months) only to get a negative HPT is starting to feel like a cruel "scratcher" game. You know, the one where you use the quarter to scratch off to see if you won. "Sorry, you are not a winner. But thank you for playing!"

theholmanherd · July 2014

I'm sorry you had a rough weekend. Seems like a lot of things happened at once. I hope everything goes well at your appointment and you don't need surgery. (((HUGS)))

RazzyRN · July 2014

i am so sorry. lots of hugs for you!

bravegrace22 · July 2014

Sorry you had a rough weekend, but glad you have a great DH to help you through!

sending you good vibes for your betas

ashtownyeah · July 2014

So sorry you had a tough weekend. Creepy internet hugs headed your way!

gsancho · July 2014

Sorry you had such a crappy weekend!

shirleymaeby · July 2014

I'm sorry you had such a rough weekend. MH doesn't always get it either. I don't think they can ever really understand.

HUGS for you.

catlover790 · July 2014

I'm so sorry! Sometimes it seems like everything happens at once making things so much harder. Hugs!

I can relate a little with your difficulties with your DH. At the moment my DH is pretty optimistic that once we get the femara everything will work out. While I'm glad he is being positive I'm much more worried about the what ifs and how hard this could be. He also doesn't seem too upset by other people getting pregnant so I understand how you feel. I hope your day gets better!

dancerspose · July 2014

so sorry for the rough weekend! it sounds like you have an amazing, supportive husband, though!

wanderlust508 · July 2014

You ladies are the best. Thank you so much! Feeling better after I had an acupuncture appointment. Hoping the feeling of calm stays with me through the week. It's also nice to remind myself that my DH isn't the only one who doesn't always get it. But the important thing is that he always supports me.

jennycam · July 2014

I had a pretty bad weekend too so I definitely feel your pain! Im so sorry
This is happening. Hang in there!

lebradford · July 2014

I'm sorry you've had such a bad day. It does sound like your husband is trying to be supportive though, so that really helps a lot!

I'm at the same point in my cycle, and FWIW, I also feel incredibly shitty and bloated. I think it could just be normal progesterone side-effects. I hope that's "all" it is, and that it doesn't have anything to do with fibroids.

wanderlust508 · July 2014

@lebradford - Thank you! Your FWIW definitely helps ....it is pretty significant bloating but maybe it's attributed to the progesterone and not just my fibroids growing exponentially.

lebradford · July 2014

EastBayBride508 said:
@lebradford - Thank you! Your FWIW definitely helps ....it is pretty significant bloating but maybe it's attributed to the progesterone and not just my fibroids growing exponentially.

Good! I'm glad my bloating can have at least some positive effect. ;-) Yeah, it's really intense and I only had one follicle, so I really think it is the endometrin. Blargh. I don't remember it being this bad for previous cycles either.

wanderlust508 · July 2014

@lebradford - Haha I know, I've never had it this bad! I had 4 mature follicles at the time of trigger so maybe that can explain mine somewhat too. Who knows?! The inner workings of my IF body is such a mystery to me! I hope we both de-bloat soon!!

BunnyBerry · July 2014

I'm so sorry. Men can be slow on the uptake, but I'm glad your DH found so many ways to be there for you and support you.

I'm with you on the boob-grabbing at selfish moments. Seriously. you think that makes me feel better right now??

Whatever condition your fibroids are in, whether it's wait and see or schedule surgery, I hope it's just what's needed to get your own BFP.

I'm so sorry about the body image stuff you're going through. I've been going through a lot of that too. I was always hoping to be a young mom, and used to be really thin. I always had this idea that thin women with a perfect round bump were so beautiful, but that it was unattractive to be rounder everywhere. Now, I've gained at least 30 pounds and 4 or 5 dress sizes, including a lot of roundness in unattractive places, and am barely feeling okay with my body...it feels like I missed the chance for that cute, gorgeous, fun-loving pregnant woman's body.

I guess I don't have any great advice, because I still struggle with it myself sometimes, but I have found that when I put on an act of feeling proud of my curves, it totally convinces MH and mostly convinces me.

BandM14 · July 2014

I'm really sorry you had such a rough weekend. I'm finding it harder and harder to hear that people are pregnant, so I totally get it. FX for your betas!

wanderlust508 · July 2014

Thanks @bunnyberry for your response. Yeah, the body image issue is tough! I just feel like this isn't my body ....I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. But like @LSantay said I fall into the thought of "Well, if I get pregnant this month ...I'll just wait til after I deliver to lose all the weight." My RE also recommends really toning down the intensity of exercise which doesn't help matters. And then of course rich comfort food is sometimes just the thing I need to help me feel better about the IF stuff!

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Could not stop crying this weekend :( (BFP mentioned, not mine)

Re: Could not stop crying this weekend :( (BFP mentioned, not mine)

Me 33, DH 37 -- TTC since Jan'12 -- Low AMH (0.78) & endo, SA w/ low motility
IUI's 1-3 = BFN, IVF converted to IUI 4/13 = BFN
IVF 1.2: 8R 6M 4F -- 2 blastocysts frozen, FET 8/15 = BFP!!
Beta #s = 445;1,098; 9,545 -- EDD 5/2 -- Team Pink!

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Want a personalized experience?

Could not stop crying this weekend :( (BFP mentioned, not mine)

Re: Could not stop crying this weekend :( (BFP mentioned, not mine)

Me 33, DH 37 -- TTC since Jan'12 -- Low AMH (0.78) & endo, SA w/ low motilityIUI's 1-3 = BFN, IVF converted to IUI 4/13 = BFNIVF 1.2: 8R 6M 4F -- 2 blastocysts frozen, FET 8/15 = BFP!!Beta #s = 445;1,098; 9,545 -- EDD 5/2 -- Team Pink!

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Me 33, DH 37 -- TTC since Jan'12 -- Low AMH (0.78) & endo, SA w/ low motility
IUI's 1-3 = BFN, IVF converted to IUI 4/13 = BFN
IVF 1.2: 8R 6M 4F -- 2 blastocysts frozen, FET 8/15 = BFP!!
Beta #s = 445;1,098; 9,545 -- EDD 5/2 -- Team Pink!