Am I overreacting?

emar129 · July 2014

I just need to hear some feedback on whether I am overreacting to this? Either way, any suggestions would be helpful!

BF is constantly doing things on his own without LO and I. He works M-F 9-6 so that's a lot of time away right there (not the complaint). On top of that, he also goes to play volleyball 45 min away (one way) on Sunday and Wednesday nights leaving me to handle dinner and bed time on my own. Lately, he's been doing various things on Fridays or Saturdays too. Ex: last Friday he went 2 hours away for a concert, stayed overnight at his friends, played golf the next day, then drove back. He was only awake for 2 hours after he got home. Now, he's out again for a bachelor party (for a random friend he never really hangs out with).

When he is home, he never wakes up with LO. If I ask for help throughout the day, he tries to put her down immediately and sits on his computer. He was supposed to start getting up with her one weekend day a week, but refused today. He won't be around tomorrow morning.

I just feel like he can't say no to his friends, doesn't like sitting at home, doesn't want to be around me, or a combination. I have tried to tell him that I don't think it is fair for him to constantly dedicate himself to so much outside of home. I am working 8-5 M-F, going to school full time, and then trying to take care of a baby and keep my household functioning. I never get to see my friends.

We also argue about how much money is spent on "fun" things. Somehow he can justify everything he does, but if I buy a $20 skirt at target for myself..I'm being reckless. He makes the budget so I really have no clue if my money is going towards what he tells me it is.

Should I stop going to school right now? Have another talk with him? I'm at the end of my rope. Anything would be helpful at this point.

Ps. Sorry this is so trivial compared to problems others have! Feel free to ignore or tell me I'm being ridiculous

inluv4life2 · July 2014

You are absolutely not overreacting. I agree 100% with @broccolisgirl‌.

And if my SO behaved that way, he would get a swift kick in arse.

MissDemeanor · July 2014

This sounds a lot like my life right now. I'm not managing my bf situation well, do no advice, but I'm here if you ever want to talk or vent

halfthetree · July 2014

I don't think you are overreacting, and @broccolisgirl‌ gave you some great advice.

I will add that you should absolutely stay in school. Finish it and ensure you always have a way to support you and your child.

Huge hugs, sorry you're dealing with this. He's being an ass and you don't deserve that.

hopefuldog · July 2014

I agree that you should make some plans and leave LO in his care for a day/weekend.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

emar129 · July 2014

Thanks everyone! I did tell him before that I had plans and he needed to be home. He initially said fine but then once that day came, he couldn't watch her because he had plans.

@broccolisgirl‌ thank you. Everything you wrote was worded perfectly.

keags5496 · July 2014

I agree with everything PPs said. Please stay in school. I've seen too many people stop and never go back.

This sounds a lot like my DH with DS1. The conversation that finally got to him was telling him that clearly his own family wasn't a priority. It also took a lot of work to get him to realize that we were his family not his mom and brothers. I think he kind of acted like we were accessories. Once I made that statent and made some comparisons to his life growing up (like did your dad to help his third cousin fix a car instead of going out to dinner with his family..:no? Ok then). We both still enjoy things outside of the house but it took him a while to realize that it was okay to say no and that his family took priority and no one would judge that.

Good luck!

keags5496 · July 2014

carleys said:
This sounds like you are trapped at his will, please please start a private account, even if it's just in your LOs name. I think hubby and I having both private and shared accounts alleviates those feelings and helps us have a little independence while still providing a nest egg that we don't touch for our future. Maybe suggest seeing a financial advisor..... . I agree with staying in school 100%

This is a great point about he accounts. DH and I both have our own personal accounts in addition to our joint. Our joint pays for the bills and groceries and the kids. Our personal accounts are our fun money. He can't see what I do with it and I like it that way.

djtippietoes · July 2014

I don't think you're overreacting either. I agree with everything that PPs have said. The responsibility of having a child should not just lie on you. He needs to take an active part in your family.

Do you have access to your bank account and finances? Not knowing where your money goes, especially if he gets on you about buying clothes but then spends money himself, just doesn't seem right. Even if he does the budget, you should still have access to everything.

dunvilles · July 2014

I agree with all of the other ladies. Just have a couple questions.

1. Has he ever watched lo alone?
2. When he budgets, do you each get "fun money"?
3. How long have you all been together?

RedSoxGirl10 · July 2014

You are definitely not overreacting. At all.

Sending hugs!

Codypup · July 2014

jujueyeballs said:

Thanks everyone! I did tell him before that I had plans and he needed to be home. He initially said fine but then once that day came, he couldn't watch her because he had plans. @broccolisgirl‌ thank you. Everything you wrote was worded perfectly.

You are not overreacting at all. The relationship sounds very lopsided, and that's not fair. You both had this baby, and it's ridiculous that he gets a pass to continue living his life as if he doesn't have a child.

Because that's what it sounds like - his life now is basically identical to his life pre-baby. Yours is obviously not. Somewhere along the way, he decided to proceed as if he has no additional responsibility, and you allowed it. (I know that sounds harsh and I don't mean it to be. Just saying that somewhere along the road, things took this turn, and it hasn't gotten any better.)

To the above quote - I think you just nailed your problem. What do you mean, once the day came he had plans? His plans were to watch his child. You don't get to opt out of that. It's not like a coffee date you randomly cancel. And the getting up one day per weekend...what do you mean he said no? You hand him the baby and get back in bed.

I know it's sooooo much easier said than done. And I know a lot of times, you probably just want to avoid a fight. And with you being so busy, you're probably exhausted - not a prime time to have a sit down discussion.

I think that if you want things to change, you're really going to have to make some changes yourself. Have you thought about couples counseling? Would he be open to that?

Oh and please please please don't quit school.

((hugs)) I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Nikkijo1022 · July 2014

I'm going to reiterate to stay in school!!!! You need to be able to rely on you..and school may be your way to do that eventually!

My DH also has the "come and go as I please " mentality but not to the extreme as you're describing. I really think (many) guys don't have the attachment we do to the LO's. They also see us as the primary caretaker bc we carried him/her for 9 months. Wasn't their job then, hard to get into the role now. Many of my friends said their significant others didn't take a big interest in LO until they were able to do more as a toddler (play at park, in pool, be chased around etc...) bc they don't really know what to do with them! My DH loves to play with LO but quickly gets bored and turns on the tv

he says he's interacting with him but really he's on a playmat while DH watches ESPN.

I try to get DH into it by getting out of the house. Taking LO swimming, going on a walk, to a ball game, even a park in the baby swing! Maybe if you planned things as a family... Approach it as "hey when you get home tonight plan on going on a walk with LO and I" or "there's a baseball game on Saturday, let's take LO" then he might see it as he gets to be "out" and not trapped in the house and also spending time with you guys. He can realize that LO is getting older now and able to do more things

As far as getting him to watch LO.... Maybe wait for a day you KNOW he doesn't have plans. Wake up that morning and say that you have to leave for a few hours. Even if it's to go do homework at a coffee shop... Don't give him the option and don't plan far in advance to let him make plans. Maybe plan it so some of it falls during your baby's nap. Say "LO is sleeping now, I have to go for an hour, there's a bottle for when he wakes up...I'll be home soon after that." And leave.

Have you tried sitting down and having a serious adult conversation? If he does want to listen write a letter or email/ Facebook message?
Honestly if it continues to go the way you're describing , is there someone you could stay with for a week? You and LO get away to a friends and family members. Tell him you need a break/space to think things over and they he should do the same.
Sometimes it just takes a few days for them to realize what they're missing out on. Im not saying run away from the problem but if he continues to control your life and you sit there and let him, he's just going to continue to do it. My (now hubby) and I took a break when we were dating. I went home for a while and he realized just how much I did for him, and how much he missed me. I guess you can say he just appreciated me more, something he took for granted in the past.
Anyway sorry for the ramble. I hope things get better!! Hard with a LO involved

Good luck!!!

boogerbearoriginal · July 2014

Wait a second, you work and just give him the $$ you earn and have no idea where it goes? Eff that.

You need your own account and to split bills equitably, the rest is yours to do as you see fit. He needs to get his ass home and be a father to his child and partner to you.

Please don't quit school.

emar129 · July 2014

Sorry to kind of post and run. He and I do have separate accounts currently. When I get paid, I write him a check and he pays all of the bills we have due with it (house, utilities, etc.). I also pay my student loans and car separate from that. I have a few thousand dollars set aside of my own that are for LO in the future or an absolute emergency.

I only really asked if I was overreacting because he said I was. I didn't think I was and thought I was being perfectly logical. He really wont get up with LO, even if I put her right beside him. He's useless in the MOTN.

Today, I told him I was leaving when he got home from his night out. I was already dressed, handed him the baby, said there were bottles ready in the fridge. I told him when she'd need to eat and sleep and left. I went and had a nice lunch with my best friend and was able to relax a bit. When I got home, he complained about how tired he was and fell asleep. So, we did not get to talk, but at least I was able to do something for me today.

Thank you for all of the responses. I will definitely be doing some self reflecting, suggesting possible couples therapy, and continuing grad school!

Codypup · July 2014

Stand strong, mama. Proud of you!

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