Fears and Excitement as Parents

edoliesmom · November 2013

My husband has to write a paper on two ways he developed as a student using two examples from child development theorists he's learned about in class. Anyway, I went to see how he was doing and see what he was writing about so far, and he told me how he was going to write about being FFA president in high school because of all the encouragement he received gave him confidence in his abilities and helped him be successful. And then I burst into tears. I realized I never got that from my parents, and I also realized how much of my development depended on them - how all children's development depends a good portion on their parents.

So, my question for y'all is this: what are some of your fears as becoming parents? And STM+s, even though you already have kids, what are some things you're apprehensive about concerning the future?

And on a lighter note, what are some things you're excited about teaching your kids or something you can't wait to pass down to them? What are some things you feel you'll excel at as a mom?

Bluebird2318 · November 2013

I always worry that I'm not doing enough with regards to giving her learning experiences, or when the day is done I feel like I have missed opportunities. It just amazes me the things she learns without me directly teaching her though. They really are just like little sponges at this age!

ETA: Unrelated, but I just noticed your ticker. We are due date buddies! 8->

edoliesmom · November 2013

One of my fears is that I'll be too critical of my kids and not encourage them enough. It's one of those learned things that has stuck with me I guess. I'm always hard on myself when I make a mistake and get really frustrated with myself. I've noticed I do this with my husband sometimes too. While I think it can be helpful to learn from your mistakes and remember them as to not do them again, you can overdo it. And I think that I do and will try very hard not to.

As for things I'll do well? I think I'll show my daughters the importance of being modest, and I hope to instill respect in my children. My husband and I were both raised to be very polite and respectful, so I think this is something we'll pass down naturally.

edoliesmom · November 2013

@Bluebird2318 I think I had noticed that once before! That's exciting!

And you forgot to list your positive thing!

BiggerinRealLife · November 2013

I'm afraid I don't have good enough models to draw from on how to be a good parent. But then I remember how many awesome friends I have that are amazing parents. I tell myself it'll be ok.

edoliesmom · November 2013

That's heavy stuff, @dani+california! I think being aware of our possible flaws as parents is the first step to making sure we work against that. I think you'll be a great mom for that reason. A lot of people aren't willing to analyze themselves and acknowledge what they need to improve on, but you are!

And I think your passions (traveling) and strengths can be passed on to your baby, and you can be a strong example to them of how to be independent and to go with the flow later in life.

pbandjmom · November 2013

The first thing I said when I found out we were having a girl was "I hope she's smart". We value education a lot here and I also hope to teach her to be confident in her own unique gifts and to be respectful of other people and their time.

I do think ill be good at installing a fun sense of creativity with her - I love the idea of creative time vs tv time.

BiggerinRealLife · November 2013

Can I just say I really appreciate this thread? Good job, Schuerg Shoog.

edoliesmom · November 2013

@dani+california Amen to that! I think I can safely say it's going to be a rewarding, yet crazy ride for all of us.

@BiggerinRealLife Why yes, you sure can say that. And thank you for saying it.

Side note: did you ever get my last PM?

BiggerinRealLife · November 2013

@SlSchuerg I did hon! I'm gearing up for our Christmas programs, and have had a busy last week. No sign of letting up until halfway through December, but I will get back to you! You're so sweet to check!

edoliesmom · November 2013

@BiggerinRealLife Oh okay, I understand. No worries!

Bluebird2318 · November 2013

SLSchuerg said:

@Bluebird2318 I think I had noticed that once before! That's exciting! And you forgot to list your positive thing!

Oops! Let's see... I think the positive thing for me is that I know I will be involved, and I care about giving my children a happy life. My parents divorced when I was young, but I never felt any ill effects from it because my mom cared about me (and my sister) a lot. I never felt like I was lacking anything. She was just really involved, even in little ways. For example, I used to LOVE The Land Before Time when I was really young, and I recall one instance where I was watching it with my mom and she cut a "tree star" out of green construction paper and gave it to me. It's so stupid and minor, but I remember that better than I remember my birthdays. She could have just sat me down and let me watch the movie, but she went that extra step. I think (or at least I hope!) that's something that I'll be good at.

Jessimax · November 2013

My biggest fear is that I can't possibly love this baby as much as I love my DS. I didn't expect to have more children so I'll fear that I will play favourites. I am excited for my son to have a sibling though. He is going to make a great big brother/ second mommy.

NicoleAnne416 · November 2013

My fears? Bullying. I have pounded into my kids heads (nice analogy here) of it being ok to not like someone else, but it is never EVER ok to not be nice to them anyways. And we never say that we don't like someone else out loud. I fear they will be bullied at some point in their lives, and when at school I worry about them. Later on, I worry about them becoming withdrawn in their teen years, what secrets will they keep from me, what will they be open about, etc. My kids are 7.5 and 5.5 years.

Rrrrrachel · November 2013

My daughter has started saying "sorry" a lot. On one hand it's cute, on the other, as women, I think we apologize a lot out of habit for things we really shouldn't, and it's just a negative gender thing, to me. I don't know how to explain it. Raising a girl in general scares me.

deidremaria · November 2013

I don't know the sex but I'm afraid to raise a girl. Aside from that I'm afraid of trying so hard to be a good mom that I'll try too hard and end up screwing it up. I look forward to my child relying on me to explain things to him/her so they understand the world around them. I remember thinking my mommy was the smartest person in the world when I was little because no question went unanswered and she always seemed to have the best answer. I want that with my child

BR · November 2013

Good question! Since finding out I am having another girl, my biggest fear is when they are teenagers. Basically just teenage stuff in general. I am afraid of them making bad choices and it just scares me the things kids do these says.

I am very excited for all of the holidays and celebrations we have ahead of us. I think I will also be good at being involved in their lives.

edoliesmom · July 2014

I was thinking about this thread yesterday, and I want to bump it up so that those who replied can go back and read with they said and see how things have turned out now that all of our little ones are around 3 months now.

SoulTermination · July 2014

I feel like adding to this, since we probably all have fears now that our babies are here and maybe even some new ones.

I'm afraid of my temper. I grew up in an abusive household, and I already know I have a short fuse. I've thrown things (not breakables) when my DD is wailing nonstop and I can't figure out why, and then I burst into tears because I don't want her growing up terrified of a parent like I did. One of my older mama friends has the same sort of issues and her daughters grew up to be fantastic people, so I can only hope to follow her example somehow.

For things I'm looking forward to, I'm really hoping LO has musicality in her blood. It's the only thing my sperm donor/father passed down to me that I'm thankful for, and I'll be stoked if DD is a musician as well. I'm also looking forward to teaching her to respect and tolerate peoples' differences. I tend to describe myself as one of the most tolerant people most people will ever meet. Race, gender, sexual orientation, religion, nationality, whatever. As long as you're not an asshole and I'm not getting a skeevy vibe from you, we're good. I want her to grow up with the belief that we're all human, and that's the only important thing. \m/

cnbean · July 2014

I struggle with being patient with my kids. I know its (probably) going to continue to be my weak point. The reassuring thing is that I know my short fuse comes from my parents and so I know that it is a weakness that can be overcome. And thanks to my 2 year old I've already got more patience than I started out with!

I am most excited to watch and see their little personalities grow and develop. It has been such a joy to get to know my older son as he has grown. He is such a unique little kid, and I can already see that his younger brother is going to be a much different little guy. That makes me excited to see what he will become.

Bluebird2318 · July 2014

Ooopsbaby14 said:

Rrrrrachel said:

My daughter has started saying "sorry" a lot. On one hand it's cute, on the other, as women, I think we apologize a lot out of habit for things we really shouldn't, and it's just a negative gender thing, to me. I don't know how to explain it. Raising a girl in general scares me.

My worry is similar. We've been strict about teaching good manners, etc. We have very well behaved kids and I worry that by doing so they won't stand up for themselves. In our attempt to raise 'good people' have we raised door mats? I hope NOT! ETA: I don't exhibit door mat behavior so maybe that'll trump the good manners!

I have a similar issue. I hear it said a lot that the way we teach children about the world and interactions in it today is far too hand-holdy and that the rest of the world isn't like that, which is true. The idea is that there's this hyper awareness of things that could potentially be offensive, or hurt someone's feelings, or make them feel left out, or whatever, and we are teaching our children that this is "unfair" rather than teaching them to deal with reality. And to some extent I agree, but it's like... I wish there were a good way to teach children that they should strive to be that socially conscious person without shielding them from the fact that the world doesn't often function that way. I have no idea how to do that in a way that isn't confusing.

edoliesmom · July 2014

Bluebird2318 said:

Ooopsbaby14 said:

Rrrrrachel said:

My daughter has started saying "sorry" a lot. On one hand it's cute, on the other, as women, I think we apologize a lot out of habit for things we really shouldn't, and it's just a negative gender thing, to me. I don't know how to explain it. Raising a girl in general scares me.

My worry is similar. We've been strict about teaching good manners, etc. We have very well behaved kids and I worry that by doing so they won't stand up for themselves. In our attempt to raise 'good people' have we raised door mats? I hope NOT! ETA: I don't exhibit door mat behavior so maybe that'll trump the good manners!

I have a similar issue. I hear it said a lot that the way we teach children about the world and interactions in it today is far too hand-holdy and that the rest of the world isn't like that, which is true. The idea is that there's this hyper awareness of things that could potentially be offensive, or hurt someone's feelings, or make them feel left out, or whatever, and we are teaching our children that this is "unfair" rather than teaching them to deal with reality. And to some extent I agree, but it's like... I wish there were a good way to teach children that they should strive to be that socially conscious person without shielding them from the fact that the world doesn't often function that way. I have no idea how to do that in a way that isn't confusing.

-----------------------------------------------

Well, if you ever figure it out, please tell me. I am that kind of person to a T, whether it was my parents' doing or who I was meant to be or a little bit of each. I seem to be very conscious of others' feelings and how my actions and words could affect them, but I also expect that in return, which is just not realistic. I'm 25 and have slowly been learning this for the past 3 or 4 years. It's been a hard road, and I don't want my children to have to learn this lesson either.

moonsparkles · July 2014

Ooopsbaby14 said:

Rrrrrachel said:

My daughter has started saying "sorry" a lot. On one hand it's cute, on the other, as women, I think we apologize a lot out of habit for things we really shouldn't, and it's just a negative gender thing, to me. I don't know how to explain it. Raising a girl in general scares me.

My worry is similar. We've been strict about teaching good manners, etc. We have very well behaved kids and I worry that by doing so they won't stand up for themselves. In our attempt to raise 'good people' have we raised door mats? I hope NOT! ETA: I don't exhibit door mat behavior so maybe that'll trump the good manners!

NOOOOO! Good people and doormats are two very different things. And sometimes two opposite things. To be a good person often requires being the opposite of a doormat and standing up for what's right rather than what's easy. And good manners can be exhibited be either kind of person.

I bet your kids will be wonderful people.

Ebeauchamp13 · July 2014

I'm afraid that I will end up like my parents. From the outside, we are a normal family. My dad was always very involved in the community and everyone knows who we are. But inside, there was no family unit. My parents never knew anything about me. They didn't know my friends or my life and they were always too busy outside of the house to really pay attention. There was no emotion or affection. Even now, we all act like we are close but even a random hug or "I love you" just feels awkward. They are good parents and provided me with everything I could ever want, but throwing material objects at me did not make a happy family.

I want Lucas to know every day that I love him more than anything in this world and that he can talk to me about anything. I never want him to feel like his own mother doesn't know him.

I guess we all want to be better than our parents right? We take how they raised us, the good and the bad, and we learn from it. And we try our hardest to make it better for our own children.

Yogini6911 · July 2014

I'm fearful that I'll screw up. I'm afraid that I'll do something to make my son feel like I'm not there for him. I don't know why I think this but it breaks my heart to even think of this.

I'm excited to raise my son to be a gentleman. I will raise him and teach him to "lean in" more at home when he's married. As a professional woman I know firsthand how hard it is to balance life (which I know I may never master this) and while I love DH, my mil kisses his ass (and his brothers' asses too) so much so that I see how they rely on mom to do things for them. DH and his brothers assume that mom and dad will drop what they're doing (because they do) to help their sons with errands. Now let me say that while the intent is good DH and his brothers still rely on mom to run their errands for them. (DH isn't as bad as his brothers but nevertheless it is pathetic). While DH does help around the house sometimes, nothing irks me more than when he's off during the week (because his schedule as a cop is not m-f) and I come home from work and he asks what is for dinner. I'm going to teach my son to help out and fairly distribute the chores.

I'm also excited to pass onto DS one of the greatest gifts: the gift of not wanting material things. DH and I already started to tell family members that for Christmas and birthdays there will be a 3 gift rule. They can buy him gifts but no more than 3 things. And for his birthday and Christmas DS and I will make a donation to a local charity for a little boy or girl in need so that DS can learn that not every little boy and girl have parents that can support the family. I am almost certain that he will be an only child and I need him to learn how to be grateful.

I see my sister's kids and how they want toys and gifts. And while I know that kids can be like that, I know they learn this from my sister and her husband...always buying the latest gadget even if they don't have the money (both have many store credit cards with balances on them). I am fortunate- I long for nothing and want nothing. That doesn't mean that I buy everything and don't shop, but I don't need to have the latest and greatest...just never been like that. And so if I can teach DS how to be grateful and also compassion and how to be a gentleman then I will feel successful.

Bluebird2318 · July 2014

LolaDair said:

I know that having young babies is exhausting and physically sooooo f**king draining. The triplets (2) are kind of ruining my life right now because they are EVERYWHERE and into EVERYTHING and there is so damn many of them! But in the end, the biggest problem they have is getting into the bathroom and putting 38762 q-tips in the toilet.

But for me the scariest and worst part is when its something you can fix, and you can't just claw your way through. When they are in horrible pain and you can't make it better. And sometimes you can't even be there.

My biggest fear for my children, due to family history for both DH and I, is addiction. Because, see above, I can't do anything. My brother has ongoing drug issues and watching what it does to my parents is way more devastating than what it does to him.

I am most excited for the long term future. I try to imagine what its going to be like when my children are all grown and some are married, maybe with babies, or have careers or fun hobbies we can share with them. I love to think about crazy holidays with a million grandchildren running around and how my 'babies' will look and be living.

I have this problem too, but only one 2-year-old so it's more like 12920.67 q-tips.

edoliesmom · July 2014

@Acers That's so awesome! I'm glad you've stayed committed to your goal of being hands-free. I need to do that more often. It was baaad yesterday when all the drama was going on. I felt guilty with how much I was consumed by it and keeping up with it. I think I definitely need to take a big step back.

Anyway, I don't think you knew at that time when you first posted if your sister's adoption was a sure thing (right?), so it's really neat to see how things have worked out for her and y'all get to enjoy seeing your little girls grow together as cousins.

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