Brief intro and attachment question

AnnieJar · April 2014

Hi, not sure if I've introduced myself here yet. I am active on the birth month boards for my first two and have lurked her since finding out I was pregnant with my third. I have a 4-year-old DS and a 1-year-old DD and I am due with a surprise baby in early June. This puts a 13 month gap between my two youngest.

So my question is about the attachment of my DD. She is newly one, still nursing 3-4 times per days and very attached to me. She has a sweet and easy going disposition overall but she is a little shy and cautious with caregivers that are not me or her father. I am starting to feel panicky about how she will do while I am in the hospital having the new baby. The plan is that my mom will come take care of the kids at our house. I will stay 3-4 nights because it'll be a c-section. I'm just really worried that that will feel like an eternity to a 1-year-old and that when I come home (with a new baby no less) DD will no longer be as attached to me. Can anyone with experience give me any insight about what to expect, how to prepare and/or what I can do to make this as easy as possible on both of us?

pixieprincss · April 2014

I think that the separation will be hard, of course, but if you are leaving her with a loving, familiar caregiver and talking to her about it lots and lots there isn't much else you can do with a hospital birth and the recovery time needed from a C-section. I think that babies are resilient and while we do our best to have a secure attachment, life happens and they will cope. Hopefully she can come and visit you in the hospital or at least Skype. When you come home, she'll needs lots of snuggles and babying, since she still is a baby. By best advice is not to accelerate her aging into a "big sister" but instead just allow every baby thing that she needs. With my 2U2, we continued nursing, bedsharing, babywearing, etc. as DS1 led us. We also didn't offer nights away or anything to prep him and just trusted that he would adapt enough in the moment (albeit my circumstance was different because I was home the day of the birth, but it was the first time he'd ever been away from us for 8 hours or more). After birth, things like tandem babywearing were really huge because I could get snuggles in with DS1 on my back while nursing DS2 in a carrier. For you, you'll need to heal and heed your doctor's weight lifting recommendations, but it can be helpful in time.

bookworm982 · April 2014

This is a hard situation. My DD was only 13 months old when DS was born, she was still nursing, and she'd never been apart from me for more than an hour or two. We live far from family, so I didn't even have the benefit of a grandma to watch her. (Thankfully a friend from church helped.)

I went in to labor in the early morning, so we left home as DD was eating breakfast. DS was born about 30 minutes later. (That is a different crazy story.) DH and I had until lunch alone at the hospital, and then he went home to put DD down for a nap since she refused her morning nap for the sitter. DH brought DD back to the hospital after the nap. DD immediately crawled on the bed, cuddled in, and she nursed. She was still my baby too. DD and DH stayed until he took her home for bed. (At this point our situation would be different because I checked out the next morning.)

DD has never ever had an issue with her brother. For the first week she was annoyed with us because we (minimally) changed some of our routines out of necessity to accommodate a bigger family, but she always was fascinated with the baby. DD also went through a separation anxiety phase for about two weeks. Besides that, the whole situation was way better than we ever imagined. Eight months later, DS is DD's favorite person and they are already best buddies.

Does your mom spend a lot of time around your DD? If not, I'd invite her over a lot leading up to the birth. Are you planning on tandem nursing? If so, be sure to let your OB and the hospital nurses know. Then, if your DD can visit you at the hospital, they won't be as surprised to see you nursing both of your babies. Finally, DH and I both hated that he didn't get to be at the hospital as much with DS, but we knew that having him at home with DD was the most important place he could be. Can your DH spend the nights at home and your mom stay at the hospital if you need a second person with you?

The four days will probably be hard on everyone, but to answer the most important question, your DD should still be just as attached to you. With extra love and attention when you get home, she should recover just fine.

AnnieJar · April 2014

Thanks for the replies!

AnnieJar · April 2014

pixieprincss said:
I think that the separation will be hard, of course, but if you are leaving her with a loving, familiar caregiver and talking to her about it lots and lots there isn't much else you can do with a hospital birth and the recovery time needed from a C-section. I think that babies are resilient and while we do our best to have a secure attachment, life happens and they will cope. Hopefully she can come and visit you in the hospital or at least Skype. When you come home, she'll needs lots of snuggles and babying, since she still is a baby. By best advice is not to accelerate her aging into a "big sister" but instead just allow every baby thing that she needs. With my 2U2, we continued nursing, bedsharing, babywearing, etc. as DS1 led us. We also didn't offer nights away or anything to prep him and just trusted that he would adapt enough in the moment (albeit my circumstance was different because I was home the day of the birth, but it was the first time he'd ever been away from us for 8 hours or more). After birth, things like tandem babywearing were really huge because I could get snuggles in with DS1 on my back while nursing DS2 in a carrier. For you, you'll need to heal and heed your doctor's weight lifting recommendations, but it can be helpful in time.

She will be able to come visit. When I had her my DS was a new 3-year-old and his hospital visit was initially pretty emotional for him but he was fine, had a good time and left happy. I'm planning on having both kids visit but I am worried that DD will have a hard time leaving. Or if she's doing ok with my mom that it might set her back having to separate from me again. Or maybe she'll be so mad at me she will be indifferent and then my feelings will be hurt

The recovery afterwards is what makes me so bitter about having to have a c-section in this first place!

AnnieJar · April 2014

bookworm982 said:
This is a hard situation. My DD was only 13 months old when DS was born, she was still nursing, and she'd never been apart from me for more than an hour or two. We live far from family, so I didn't even have the benefit of a grandma to watch her. (Thankfully a friend from church helped.)

I went in to labor in the early morning, so we left home as DD was eating breakfast. DS was born about 30 minutes later. (That is a different crazy story.) DH and I had until lunch alone at the hospital, and then he went home to put DD down for a nap since she refused her morning nap for the sitter. DH brought DD back to the hospital after the nap. DD immediately crawled on the bed, cuddled in, and she nursed. She was still my baby too. DD and DH stayed until he took her home for bed. (At this point our situation would be different because I checked out the next morning.)

DD has never ever had an issue with her brother. For the first week she was annoyed with us because we (minimally) changed some of our routines out of necessity to accommodate a bigger family, but she always was fascinated with the baby. DD also went through a separation anxiety phase for about two weeks. Besides that, the whole situation was way better than we ever imagined. Eight months later, DS is DD's favorite person and they are already best buddies.

Does your mom spend a lot of time around your DD? If not, I'd invite her over a lot leading up to the birth. Are you planning on tandem nursing? If so, be sure to let your OB and the hospital nurses know. Then, if your DD can visit you at the hospital, they won't be as surprised to see you nursing both of your babies. Finally, DH and I both hated that he didn't get to be at the hospital as much with DS, but we knew that having him at home with DD was the most important place he could be. Can your DH spend the nights at home and your mom stay at the hospital if you need a second person with you?

The four days will probably be hard on everyone, but to answer the most important question, your DD should still be just as attached to you. With extra love and attention when you get home, she should recover just fine.

I still haven't decided about the tandem nursing. We just introduced while cows milk this week but I have just been following DDs cues. She likes it fine but still seems to be interested in nursing. I nursed my first until he self-weaned at 18 months so 1. I don't really know how to wean a baby and 2. I definitely without a doubt would not even be considering weaning DD except for the current circumstances.

I am open to tandem nursing although it does seen kind of overwhelming and
I also am afraid to try nursing a squirmy 1-year-old while recovering from a c-section. Trying to get comfortable with a tiny newborn is hard enough!

krazyinsane · July 2014

Mine are a little further apart but DD#3 is very clingy. She weaned right at a year due to my lack of supply (I was 20 weeks) but I'm going to have another c-section...

DD#2 and DD#3 are 18 months apart and my biggest advice is to take a boppy to the hospital so when the older kids are climbing around you can use it to cushion your incision. Also when YDD sees you for the first time don't be holding baby... Have someone bring you baby after you two have snuggled etc. this seems to prevent some jealousy

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