5 Reasons Modern-Day Parenting Is in Crisis, According to a British Nanny

dogperson11 · July 2014

https://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/5552527

Pretty good entry with some excellent points. I read it in a British accent in my head, which only made it better IMO :-)

Barefoot84 · July 2014

I rarely agree with the British Nanny. I read this article as a rebuttal, and loved it: https://www.jennifermcgrail.com/2014/07/5-alternative-reasons-modern-day-parenting-is-in-crisis/

Valancyy · July 2014

I've totally failed the sippy cup test, lol. I knew I shouldn't do it at the time, but sometimes you just want the whining to stop!

BeachM · July 2014

I really dislike these articles about how Americans do everything wrong. Why is it so strange that children might have preferences? Seriously if your only battle is over the color of a cup count yourself lucky, give little Jimmy the blue one, and call it a day.

Children are not little adults. Expecting them to behave as such only sets you up for disappointment. Age appropriate expectations, consistency, and following through are what are important to me.

And for what it's worth, my British SIL does not have perfect children. She must have missed all those lessons somewhere along the way. But then again, she doesn't have a nanny and wasn't raised by one.

Jentech84 · July 2014

flip_flops said:
I really dislike these articles about how Americans do everything wrong. Why is it so strange that children might have preferences? Seriously if your only battle is over the color of a cup count yourself lucky, give little Jimmy the blue one, and call it a day.

Children are not little adults. Expecting them to behave as such only sets you up for disappointment. Age appropriate expectations, consistency, and following through are what are important to me.

And for what it's worth, my British SIL does not have perfect children. She must have missed all those lessons somewhere along the way. But then again, she doesn't have a nanny and wasn't raised by one.

I'm sorry (not trying to start something here) but I read both articles and never read anything about one country versus another. All she said was that she's worked on two continents - could've been Europe & Australia for all we know. Or England and Canada if you want to get country-specific.

And about the articles - parts of each resonate with me. I'm not going to side 100% with either woman, especially as a FTM, but rather do what works best for my family situation and choose my battles as best as I can.

cashews29 · July 2014

I'm with @trawas01 on this one. Yes, kids are not little adults, but they can be taught to not act like complete terrors in public.

For example, has anyone seen that new Hopper from Dish commercial with the kid SCREAMING because her show was deleted from the DVR? And the parents are arguing about it because OMG we deleted her show and now she is going to freak out? Fuck that shit. Seriously. Even commercials now are pandering to the idea that children rule the roost and that's just how it is.

I agree that sometimes it's easier to give it instead of dealing with an unhappy child. Every once in a while, that's probably fine. But no, Timmy shouldn't need to get the blue cup every time because it's his favorite. Timmy needs to learn that sometimes, we don't get exactly what we want and we have to make do with second best. Because that's life.

workmm01 · July 2014

I think it's worth reading both articles. I don't agree fully with either. I think the second is really arguing some of the small details or examples used and not the main point. For example if my guest or my child asked for a different drink than what I had poured I would change it. If my guest asked for another cup I would look at them like they were joking.

I don't understand the "village" thing. Every person my child comes into contact with should not have the right to discipline or befriend them. If we are talking about someone who does have some authority over my child like a teacher or school bus driver, then they should try to de-escalate the situation, notify me and I'll take it from there.

Shortcuts? I thought I agreed with the first article, but that paragraph took a strange turn for me. I agree that I see way to many kids being handed a phone or a computer for every little wait. They really shouldn't be entertained like this every second of every day IMHO. Long car trips, flights then absolutely! But how is picking up your child who fell down a shortcut? That lost me.

BeachM · July 2014

Whenever I read something that's specifically labeled as being lectured at me from a caregiver (parent, nanny, whoever) from a specific country the insinuation is that the main reason I'm doing it wrong is because I'm not European. If we weren't supposed to care that the author is a British nanny they wouldn't have mentioned it. Huff Post should have just published it from "Yet Another Person Who Does It Better Than Everyone Else".

I did mostly skim and went back to see that at the end she gives her advice to parents from London LA. I still just generally dislike the multitude of articles where I feel like I'm getting the finger wag from across the Atlantic. I stopped reading all these articles when I see them linked on FB a long time ago and probably should have just skipped this one too.

We generally give 2 choices and then DS must stick to what he's picked. Sometimes this results in tantrums because he's 3 but we don't cave and give him the other choice. There are many situations where there are not any choices. This may not work with all kids but we don't generally deal with dramatics during these times because DS has control over other choices. So if he asks for his Star Wars plate at dinner I'm not going to turn it into a power struggle because I think he should have his pirate plate. I will save my dictator power for a situation that is of more importance than a plate. But again, this is what works for us at this point in time.

shevaCC · July 2014

Both the article and the rebuttal annoyed me slightly, in different ways. For the main article, I don't do most of the things she's complaining about on a regular basis BUT my child happens to be on the calmer side for a 2-year-old and is a people pleaser. If my child were "spirited" or much more prone to causing a scene, I would certainly be using every tool I had to keep her from annoying everyone else in public places. And we have used YouTube videos out to dinner before when it was getting late, they refused to do a takeout order, and the service was way slower than we expected. How would anyone know if that's our "normal" or an occasional coping mechanism? I get judging -- I do it too but I've hardly (never?) met parents who purposely want to raise obnoxious kids. Usually you don't know their story from just watching them for a minute or two. Maybe the parents just worked a double shift or mom is in her first tri and feeling like death.

ETA - I comfort my sensitive kid when she falls down. Usually she's more scared than hurt and just needs a hug and mama to kiss her boo boo then she's off to play again. I can't see what gain I would get from ignoring her.

mcculloughe · July 2014

workmm01 said:
I think it's worth reading both articles. I don't agree fully with either. I think the second is really arguing some of the small details or examples used and not the main point. For example if my guest or my child asked for a different drink than what I had poured I would change it. If my guest asked for another cup I would look at them like they were joking.
I don't understand the "village" thing. Every person my child comes into contact with should not have the right to discipline or befriend them. If we are talking about someone who does have some authority over my child like a teacher or school bus driver, then they should try to de-escalate the situation, notify me and I'll take it from there.
Shortcuts? I thought I agreed with the first article, but that paragraph took a strange turn for me. I agree that I see way to many kids being handed a phone or a computer for every little wait. They really shouldn't be entertained like this every second of every day IMHO. Long car trips, flights then absolutely! But how is picking up your child who fell down a shortcut? That lost me.

I got lost a little on that part too for a while. think the picking a child up every time they fall down was more to make the point that literally, parents seem to try to swoop in and "pick the child up" every time something bad happens.
If my kid falls down yeah, it's good to help them up and show compassion, but I think parents can overdue it with the whole "oh my poor baby!" Business. If you're not injured you can get up without my help. They should learn those skills because it teaches them that your parents will be there for you, but you can't expect them to solve all your problems.
Fast forward to school. It reminds me of when I would give a grade and the parent would come in all up in arms asking why their child got that grade. 1. Did you ask your child why he/she thought they might have earned that grade?
2. Your child earned it, I did not "give it".
3. It will not be changed just because your child doesn't like it.

Maybe I read into it too much. I will definitely help my kid up if they fall down and are in pain!

Kondasa · July 2014

I feel like I want to say to these people that write these articles, "you do you and I will do me"

So what if my three year old gets the iphone at restaurants- is that turning them into a bad person- hardly? are they less patient or kind or generous than another child? Not necessarily.

I have established values for my family that I feel are the most important based on the future for my DD. I want her to be:
1. Intellectually curious
2. Active
3. Kind

To me I make decisions that achieve those goals and frankly the concerns about iphones in the restaurant or a sippy cup just is not that important to helping my child grow into the person I want her to be. If your values are 1. obedience, 2. respect and 3. discipline then sure those things make sense.

So in conclusion-- "you do you and I will do me"

shutaff · July 2014

workmm01 said:

I think it's worth reading both articles. I don't agree fully with either. I think the second is really arguing some of the small details or examples used and not the main point. For example if my guest or my child asked for a different drink than what I had poured I would change it. If my guest asked for another cup I would look at them like they were joking.
I don't understand the "village" thing. Every person my child comes into contact with should not have the right to discipline or befriend them. If we are talking about someone who does have some authority over my child like a teacher or school bus driver, then they should try to de-escalate the situation, notify me and I'll take it from there.
Shortcuts? I thought I agreed with the first article, but that paragraph took a strange turn for me. I agree that I see way to many kids being handed a phone or a computer for every little wait. They really shouldn't be entertained like this every second of every day IMHO. Long car trips, flights then absolutely! But how is picking up your child who fell down a shortcut? That lost me.

The "village" was actually one that I totally agree with. If I am around to discipline my child, I will. (Don't get my started on the parents who never discipline their child.) But if I am not, and my child is acting like a fool, I would want some adult to correct them. As a former high school teacher, I hated when I would discipline a child (in the appropriate school approved way, of course) and the parents would immediately be up in arms against me, instead of stopping to think about what their child did wrong. Parents who act that way are just teaching their children to disrespect the authority of teachers and it compounds the problem.

workmm01 · July 2014

shutaff said:

workmm01 said:

I think it's worth reading both articles. I don't agree fully with either. I think the second is really arguing some of the small details or examples used and not the main point. For example if my guest or my child asked for a different drink than what I had poured I would change it. If my guest asked for another cup I would look at them like they were joking.
I don't understand the "village" thing. Every person my child comes into contact with should not have the right to discipline or befriend them. If we are talking about someone who does have some authority over my child like a teacher or school bus driver, then they should try to de-escalate the situation, notify me and I'll take it from there.
Shortcuts? I thought I agreed with the first article, but that paragraph took a strange turn for me. I agree that I see way to many kids being handed a phone or a computer for every little wait. They really shouldn't be entertained like this every second of every day IMHO. Long car trips, flights then absolutely! But how is picking up your child who fell down a shortcut? That lost me.

The "village" was actually one that I totally agree with. If I am around to discipline my child, I will. (Don't get my started on the parents who never discipline their child.) But if I am not, and my child is acting like a fool, I would want some adult to correct them. As a former high school teacher, I hated when I would discipline a child (in the appropriate school approved way, of course) and the parents would immediately be up in arms against me, instead of stopping to think about what their child did wrong. Parents who act that way are just teaching their children to disrespect the authority of teachers and it compounds the problem.

Oh no I totally agree that teachers/schools need to have control over class and give detention or suspension or whatever is called for. When I said de-escalate I meant handle it, but I still need to be informed so I can give additional consequences if needed. My mom works in the school system. I know it's a fine line they walk every day! But I still stand by my point that some random stranger doesn't have the right to discipline my child.

rockyrollgirl · July 2014

Kondasa said:

I feel like I want to say to these people that write these articles, "you do you and I will do me"

So what if my three year old gets the iphone at restaurants- is that turning them into a bad person- hardly? are they less patient or kind or generous than another child? Not necessarily.

I have established values for my family that I feel are the most important based on the future for my DD. I want her to be:
1. Intellectually curious
2. Active
3. Kind

To me I make decisions that achieve those goals and frankly the concerns about iphones in the restaurant or a sippy cup just is not that important to helping my child grow into the person I want her to be. If your values are 1. obedience, 2. respect and 3. discipline then sure those things make sense.

So in conclusion-- "you do you and I will do me"

This.

yrnamehere · July 2014

workmm01 said:
I think it's worth reading both articles. I don't agree fully with either. I think the second is really arguing some of the small details or examples used and not the main point. For example if my guest or my child asked for a different drink than what I had poured I would change it. If my guest asked for another cup I would look at them like they were joking.
I don't understand the "village" thing. Every person my child comes into contact with should not have the right to discipline or befriend them. If we are talking about someone who does have some authority over my child like a teacher or school bus driver, then they should try to de-escalate the situation, notify me and I'll take it from there.

I disagree, and will give an example. I have a somewhat dilapidated retaining wall -- which is adjacent to my apartment building, but that I do not own. This wall is attached to where I live and perhaps structurally important to my building.

I found some kids climbing on it, which was completely unsafe, and told them to knock it off. I wasn't rude and explained why I didn't want them climbing the wall. The loose rocks were falling off of the wall under their weight. They listened and climbed down, but their mother appeared and yelled at me.

If I see your kid doing something that could get them seriously injured, I'm going to say something. And if you are close enough to see your kids doing something dangerous -- and damaging someone else's property in the process -- you are the jerk if you don't intervene.

That's the village.

workmm01 · July 2014

@yrnamehere Great example. I think there are always exceptions to everything and that goes for everything in both articles. Everyone is going to give in to their child whining sometimes, take the shortcut, let their child act up in public, argue over something as stupid as a cup at some point... but if I had been that mom, I hope I would have stopped them and I definitely wouldn't have yelled at you.

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