2 year old and hitting

Stacigirl413 · July 2014

My son turned 2 in June and for about 3 months now he's has been going through a hitting phase. He only hits my husband or myself never other children or family members. Whenever he throw a little tantrum, whether it be not getting his way or getting frustrated with a toy of some sort, he tends to hit one of us or an object (like the dishwasher or a table). Now mind you no one hits in our house or at any other family members house where we spend time. Some things we've tried to do to redirect him are... 1. Holding his hands at his side and explaining to him hitting hurts and making him say sorry 2. We've tried ignoring it. This way if we don't entertain the behavior maybe it'll stop. 3. We've done time out. It seems as if he knows hitting will get him in time out and knows to go sit in time out after he hits se times without my husband or i prompting him. He cries while in time out and then apologizes for hitting. 4. I've tried taking away the toys he's throwing but it doesn't seem to phase him.
I'm kind of out of ideas of what I can do to stop this behavior or is it just a phase he is going through. Has anyone been through this (oh dear god please tell me I'm not the only one), and if so what worked or didn't work for you
Thanks so much in advance

ashiscute · July 2014

Hitting is incredibly normal so please do not think you are the only one. If you did a search you would see lots of threads with moms saying the exact same thing. My DS is 22 mos and is a hitter. He goes through phases where it's better and worse. It's always worse in the hour before bedtime for us. He hits us, the dog, and DD.

When he was 17 mos we started timeouts and have been consistent. If he hits once he gets warned. If he hits again he goes straight to timeout. He sits in timeout for 1 min and then gets up and tells me he went to timeout for hitting and says sorry. Then we move on. Some days this means DS is in timeout 7 times before we've even brushed our teeth. Other days it's not an issue. We stay consistent in how we deal with it. Which means if we are at home, at grandma's, at the store, the zoo, wherever he still gets timeout.

I think it's best to stick with "we don't hit, that's not nice" and then move on. The more words you use, the less they here. Once he's done his timeout move on. It's just a combination of age and temperement. My DD literally hit like 5 times ever. But believe me DS is more than making up for it!

Hennessy · July 2014

We have been having similar problems. DS is only 22 months but he's been hitting for the last month or so. We also just started time outs. He knows he's not supposed to hit. We've tried many of the things you've done. He is usually using it as a way to act out his frustration and even after we tell him to stop.. that we "don't hit" and we "do nice" he will still sometimes immediately hit again. He also, at times, does it because he thinks it's funny and it becomes a game to him.

So, we've started with 1 warning and then if he does it again he gets a 1 minute time out. A week or so ago, we had an interaction that went something like this:

Daddy: “Stop hitting me”
DS: switches to poking
Daddy: “Stop poking daddy”
DS: switches to pinching
Daddy: “Stop hurting daddy”
DS: another pinch
Daddy: “I’m not going to tell you again…..stop hurting me. Do ‘nice’ ”
DS: as he goes in for one last pinch “Time out?”...
Daddy: grumbling under his breath… “You got it… time out”

It was almost as he if decided that a time out was worth it if he could get in one more pinch, since he decided to put himself there!

So.. I guess I'm really not helpful at all since I don't really have suggestions, but I think it's incredibly common. And, I think it's not only a way of expressing themselves but also a way to begin to test their limits.

Stacigirl413 · July 2014

Thank you both so much! I'll continue doing what I'm doing in hopes that it passes at some point

cedenton · July 2014

The only thing that worked for us was consistent time outs.

SunAndRain · July 2014

Ugh - DD just turned two and we dealt with her hitting phase for MONTHS. I think almost a year, even, but my memory could be off.

Another thing is to show her "nice hands" or "gentle hands" where you take her hand and gently pet your arm. Redirects her actions from bad to good and shows her what she should be doing...not just what she shouldn't be doing.

I am BIG on time outs with DD. She gets one verbal warning and then it is time out. When I put her in time out I tell her why: "Mommy is putting you in time out because you hit me and that is not nice." Then after her time is over I tell her, "Mommy put you in time out because you hit me. We don't hit. It isn't nice. Tell mommy "no hit"." She repeats "No hit" says sorry, I tell her I love her, we hug it out, and then we move on. But I think making them speak the words helps reinforce too...even if they are too young to speak the words they can try. I joke that DD is the time out queen and that she practically puts herself in them. It is somewhat true. They have been very effective with getting her to calm down and regain focus...and to listen to me.

OH, but between DD's hitting and biting I was ready to sell her to the gypsies!

blu-eyedwife · July 2014

We've never needed to do timeouts with my son for hitting. When he hit, we told him that hurts and it's not nice. We reinforce "gentle touch" and if he repeats the behavior, we leave the room. "I can't be with you if you're not going to be nice."

The thing is, the hitting is because they don't have words yet. I mean, obviously they have words, but not the ability to express themselves. They use physical behavior because they have it, they can control it, and it gets a response. When it stops getting the response they want, they will find another way to communicate.

There are also some really great books out there you can read to your son - like "hands are not for hitting."

Ceridwen21 · July 2014

DS (2.5) hits when he gets frustrated. We immediately say "no hitting mommy/daddy" and try to get him to calm down. Once he is calm, we ask for an apology (for us, an apology involves eye contact with the person, saying sorry, saying what you did wrong (ex. no hitting) and a hug). Then we show him a "gentle touch" where we just lightly touch him on the area that he hit us (ex. arm, face) and ask him to give us a gentle touch back. He seems to really like that part. Then we give big smiles and praise and move on.

What also works for us is anticipating (sometimes) when the hitting happens and pre-emptively addressing it. For example, for a long time DS hated being put in his car seat so would hit whoever was putting him in. Recognizing this, we started talking to him about no hitting and practicing gentle touches (with lots of praise) BEFORE we got in the car. It really helped set a good mood and took care of that particular problem within a few days. Months later, he still sometimes voluntarily shows me a "gentle touch" when getting into his car seat.

Anne Mommy · July 2014

I'm not sure which psych class had a video where the therapist would say things like "Sand is not for throwing". We used that with DS. He hit when he was frustrated and didn't know how to say that. I would tel him "Hands aren't for hitting. Hands are for nice touch." We would practice nice touch. I looked for what was triggering the hitting. We then knew what we had to work on.

emberlee3 · July 2014

Nicb13 said:

blu-eyedwife said:

We've never needed to do timeouts with my son for hitting. When he hit, we told him that hurts and it's not nice. We reinforce "gentle touch" and if he repeats the behavior, we leave the room. "I can't be with you if you're not going to be nice."

The thing is, the hitting is because they don't have words yet. I mean, obviously they have words, but not the ability to express themselves. They use physical behavior because they have it, they can control it, and it gets a response. When it stops getting the response they want, they will find another way to communicate.

There are also some really great books out there you can read to your son - like "hands are not for hitting."

I don't see how this will get through to a kid and will teach them that hitting is serious and you CANNOT do it. What happens when they are at daycare or at the park and start hitting? I would think the kid would be waiting for the one he hit to just walk away because that's what mom and dad do at home. Sure, you walking away is not giving him the attention he wants from hitting but I don't think it really teaches him the seriousness of the behavior.
To each their own, really, I'm not knocking your parenting, just my 2 cents for anyone reading this thread.

I don't do time outs, but I will remove my child from a situation if she is hurting another child. I would say, "No hitting. Hitting hurts people." Then, if she is not throwing a tantrum and still trying to process what happened, then I would name her feelings and give her some alternative ways to express anger or problem solve.

If she hits me, I get up and move way, saying, "No hitting, hitting hurts me." It is actually powerful to teach children to move away from danger, even if it's a friend or sibling hurting them. So, that's a valuable lesson right there. I certainly don't expect her to hold another child's hands and say, "Gentle hands," or put another child in time out. I'm giving her practical strategies by modeling safety skills.

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