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March 2014 Moms
mfarmer0811
member
Has your relationship changed with your mom after becoming a mom? (long)
mfarmer0811
member
This may turn into a bit of a vent, but I have nowhere else to go with this, and hopefully some of you ladies can give me some advice.
First of all, I have always been very close to my mom. I tell her almost everything, and used to talk to her at least once a day or every other day. But, she is and always has been a HUGE worrier, but I've just brushed it off, and said, oh that's her no big deal.
But, now that I'm a mom, she wants to pass down the worry on my son. She worries about EVERYTHING with him, to the point it stresses me out being at her house, and I don't want to tell her anything on the phone (she lives 3 hours away)
Let me just give you a few examples. When I wear him in the Moby she consistently comes up to me, and feels his bottom, but she does it in a passive aggressive way, like she's going to give him a little kiss or talk to him, but she really doing it because she thinks he's just going to fall out. I know this, because I confronted her about it, and she admitted that she was scared he was just going to fall out.
One time I was carrying in DS (he was in his carseat) and I was walking into the garage and she says "watch your step, don't fall" there was a 2 inch little step. Then, we went to sit on the patio I put the carseat with DS up on the patio table while he was sleeping, and she kept her hand on the seat the whole time, I think she thought he was just going to jump out, or fall off.
She always wants to sit in the back with DS, or asks if I sit in the back with him when MH and I travel together. I'm like, no, he's fine!
Yesterday I was talking to her about putting him in swim classes (infant survival classes) when he's 6 mo. and she told me how uncomfortable and scared that made her. She started drilling me with questions about it, and asked if I was going to take him to someone certified. I'm usually very patient and understanding when it comes to her worrying, but I just can't take it anymore. I responded with, "No mom, I'm going to take him to the local YMCA drop him off with the 16 yr. old lifeguard and say good luck, I'll be back in an hour." She again said well, I just need to make sure. Then I told her I was just going to stop telling her stuff.
Then....after we already told her we had a baby monitor we would be bringing next time we were there (already synced with our phones) she bought one too, and wants to sync it with HER phone! UGH! So now, I'm going to feel like I'm constantly being watched and listened to while I'm there, which makes me more stressed!
I understand this is her first grandchild, and she loves him dearly, but I am his mom, not her! MH and I get to make the decisions when it comes to him. I'm almost 30 years old, and I feel like I'm a very good mom, but she makes me feel like I don't care enough, or I'm just too flippant about things. When in reality she is an irrational worrier. I'm going next week to her house to spend almost a week (without MH) and I'm already stressing about it! She's already very sensitive, so I really don't think I can say anything out right to her, it would hurt her feelings, and make things awkward.
Do I just suck it up, and do my thing with him? The last two times we have been to their house he gets very fussy. I don't know if he can sense my stress b/c of my mom, or if was just a coincidence.
Me 28 DH 30
Married 08-11-07
TTC since 07/11
HSG 01-21-13 Left FTB
Seeing RE 1-28-13
RE 1-28-13
Both tubes blocked
LAP surgery 2-15-13 Both tubes removed Started IVF #1 June 2013 Meds: BCP, Lupron, Gonal-F, Ovidrel, Medrol, Doxycycline
Beta #1-BFP!!! HCG-55 Beta #2--111 Beta #3--2,825 Beta #4 22,031 1st U/S 7-29-13 Saw and heard our little sweet pea's heartbeat!! 109 bpm
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Has your relationship changed with your mom after becoming a mom? (long)
aw sorry you have to deal with all that. I'd say just ignore her; the best you can hope for is that she stops voicing her worries but she will still be all anxious inside. YOU know that your baby is fine, so don't let her put all that stress on you. next time she starts fussing over your lo, just say 'he's fine'. or if it's a situation you can explain, then explain to her why lo is fine and make that the end of it. example: driving with DH's grandma and my lo in the car yesterday. she was asking why the car seat was rear-facing and saying it should be front-facing (uhm, no!). I calmly explained why car seats must face the rear and that things are different than when she had kids, and made that the end of it.
I feel your pain - DH has a huge, very close family. love them dearly but man they can be overbearing sometimes. "is the bottle warm enough? is the baby too hot? too cold? did he poop enough today? is he sleeping well? here, let's pick him up! let's put him down! let's airplane him even though he just ate!" and on and on. I'm as kind as I can be but sometimes I just need a breather....hiding at home/not answering my phone/driving to the park to hide with lo helps.
I think that's what I'll do, I just need to suck it up and be honest with her. I know it's coming out of love, but the passive aggressive over bearing comments and actions are hard to deal with.
I may have a talk with my dad. He's really good at mediating without hurting anyone's feelings.
Yes, and this is after she emailed MH asking about it since he's a computer/techy guy. He told her not to worry about it that we would take care of it, but she bought one anyways!!
She told me the other day she had already gotten it out to set it up, and was about to read how to put it on her iPad.
Yeah, I'll just unplug it when I'm in the room with him.
All of her worrying is what stresses me out the most, it's not rational and not healthy...for anyone!
short answer, yes. After having my first child when giving him his first bath, obviously emotional, I started balling full of love and gratitude. First for my child, and then the overwhelming knowledge of how much my mother must love me. I have always had a rocky relationship with my mother, I love her dearly but our personalities confilict very often. As I grew in my new role as a young mother, then with more children/responsabilities I sought her approval less, therefore I was more confident in who I am and less dependent on what she thought of me. My mom, in my opinion, is overly critical and I had never lived up to her expectations and the ability to become comfortable with myself and my abilities as a mom helped me see that although I love her and value her- and I'm her daughter I'm also an adult fully capable of caring for my children to the best of my ability and I do not need her pat on the back that I'm doing ok. Pats on the back are nice but not necessary.
It sounds to me that your mother feels powerless and therefore is scared. I'm sure that is frustrating for both of you. I hope you continue to do what you feel/know/learn is best for you and your child and lovingly remind her of your abilities without feeling you have to defend your choices.
I think you may be right about her feeling powerless. She tends to like to be in control (not necessarily in a bad way) and she knows there is a boundary there she can't cross.
I want to ask her for advice like I did when I first got married, but I feel like things are so different since we were babies and it's just easier if I figure it out on my own or with mh.
You ladies have given some great advice and I so appreciate it!! I'm glad to know I'm not alone, and sorry for the ones that have to deal with moms and mils that are overbearing or anxious.
Ceventa I hate baby talk! Even more than that, I hate that DH's grandma (who watches lo during the day) doesn't speak to him in English (greek). I love her dearly and she is great, but I'm just annoyed with her speaking nothing but greek to him when she knows English, and then speaking greek around me to others to say things she doesn't want me to understand, but I went to greek school lady, I can hear and understand you!! It's nothing major, just little stuff like saying in greek to baby "don't put your hands in your mouth" when she knows I'm ok with him self-soothing like that. not a big deal, but it gets damn annoying when I have to hear it every day. She also talks to him like a dog "niiiice baby, niiiiice" but I think that's just a cultural type of baby talk.
don't get me wrong, she is awesome and I am grateful for her help, I just get tired and irritated.
I have become more confident in myself and more patient with my Mother. She is more of the passive aggressive type, who will criticize you with a back handed compliment.
It will not stop until you address it. And continue to address it. Do not go through someone else, then it is not coming from you, but as a suggestion from that other person. She will actually believe that you will tell her if her behaviour bothers her, not someone else.
I have had to say it in plain English with examples of her behaviour before she finally understood.
And I've had to point it out every time she reverts back to her compliments. She is starting to get it. My stress levels have gone down noticeably, and I am more at peace with her.