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Special Needs
Micelle78
member
Just had a "sandwich" conversation with preschool
Micelle78
member
Or whatever cute name you would like to explain it. If you are a teacher you already probably use this technique when addressing parents with a child that has something going on behavior or otherwise. You basically start off with something good and then add the bad, followed by a good closing. I still have a big lump in my stomach as I write this.
If you have followed my posts at all you know that DS just turned 4. This last school year (after barely turning three) his SLP thought it would be a better experience to be in a NT preschool. There is only one that we know of in town that would not only take him, but also was ok with him not being potty trained. I felt like I struck the jackpot. I talked at length to the teacher and director before he even started last year-- told them everything about his delays and his strengths/weaknesses. He is a summer baby and I knew that it may potentially be even harder to see him with NT peers because he would be the youngest and have delays. I told them his receptive delay was pretty significant. They allow one special needs child per class of kids.
Their preschool is a Christian/play based co-op. So there is a minimum amount of time that each family has to work in the classroom. It would not look weird if someone stayed with him every time. My wonderful mom took him twice a week and stayed the whole time to not only change his diaper, but also help him because he wouldn't/couldn't follow directions like the other kids. She gave me daily updates (she also took him to OT and my husband took off Thursdays to take him to speech and MIL watched our now 16 month old during these times-- yes I have a great network all helping my DS).
At no point during the year did anyone from the preschool tell me they had any concerns. I even took days off during the school year to work in the classroom myself. Its not like there was no opportunity to mention stuff to me.
So today the teacher called and asked how summer was going. She told me she called to tell me about the upcoming dates and such for fall. She asked if he was learning anything new and I told her all about the trike riding. At preschool he had many times gotten on the trike to try to play with the other kids but just did not have the core strength to do it. Then her tone got serious and asked if I had a few minutes to talk or if I would like to speak to her in person. I told her I did have time to talk. My stomach simultaneously did a flip flop because I had no idea what she meant by needing to talk.
She was very nice about it but addressed a concern that DS was hard to redirect and was sometimes distracting to her teaching and the other kids' learning. I felt like the biggest idiot thinking everything was ok. I immediately had tears in my eyes and tried not to let it her hear it in my voice. Am I that mom? The one in denial that maybe this was a stupid idea? Do I have the kid that all the parents wish was not in their child's class?
I am sure because I am upset that this is probably not true but I am a teacher. I know what it is like to have kids in your class that are hard to manage. I have had to make calls that I did not want to make. Sometimes I could not believe how in denial the parents were that their kid was capable of misbehaving. I never understood it any more than I do now as a parent of a special needs kid. I just feel like now maybe they are trying to coax me into going someplace else. She asked me what she could do to help him redirect his behavior and I told her we do timeouts at home. I quickly added that if the behavior is not ok that maybe he will just have to leave for the day and will eventually realize that he can't do the behavior or he will have to leave. She seemed to mull it over and then started talking about how much he enjoys music time. i told her music is big in this house since I am a music teacher in the public school district and I teach violin lessons out of my home. As this conversation went on I could see the "sandwich" she was doing. I just did not know how to proceed with what I needed to say. I no longer cared about the small talk. I just wanted to know what she wanted me to do.
Our conversation basically ended with her hoping that I could attend the first day of school to help reset expectations and talk with my mom about ways she can redirect his behavior. I don't know, I am at a loss. His behaviors are looking more and more abnormal than they did even a year ago. He stims with stuff in front of his eyes (he is very farsighted), he does this new squeel thing for the past six months, he will do a full on sprint out the front door about 50% of the time and act like its a funny game to see you running after him, he still is making slow progress on PT, he still has a small range of foods in his diet, he is constantly sensory seeking (jumping off the couch, rolling on the floor, standing on his head) and I just hate it. New things are cropping up all the time. Then he has these days he appears NT. It does not make sense at all. He is very bright (I have mentioned his amazing memory and hyperlexia and desire to figure things out) but that leads him to get bored easily and make bad decisions. He will decide to pull stuff down in his closet or sneak my cell phone and begin playing games or taking pics or something or ask to go to certain places ALL THE TIME (Costco, target, Walmart, Grandmas etc). He is a very sweet social kid and very happy most of the time. He loves to go to new places. This all is just so heart breaking.
I'm sorry, I just needed a place to vent. I decided not to tell DH yet. He was not in a mood that I wanted to add to. I also do not want him blaming my poor mom for the preschool calling (which would be his first instinct. He swears DS never misbehaves for him and that my mom and I are both too permissive)
Thanks for reading my novel. Have any of you had a situation like this? They didn't tell me he had to go but I don't want him somewhere they may not want him either. I wish SN parenting would get easier but it seems to be just the opposite.
If you have followed my posts at all you know that DS just turned 4. This last school year (after barely turning three) his SLP thought it would be a better experience to be in a NT preschool. There is only one that we know of in town that would not only take him, but also was ok with him not being potty trained. I felt like I struck the jackpot. I talked at length to the teacher and director before he even started last year-- told them everything about his delays and his strengths/weaknesses. He is a summer baby and I knew that it may potentially be even harder to see him with NT peers because he would be the youngest and have delays. I told them his receptive delay was pretty significant. They allow one special needs child per class of kids.
Their preschool is a Christian/play based co-op. So there is a minimum amount of time that each family has to work in the classroom. It would not look weird if someone stayed with him every time. My wonderful mom took him twice a week and stayed the whole time to not only change his diaper, but also help him because he wouldn't/couldn't follow directions like the other kids. She gave me daily updates (she also took him to OT and my husband took off Thursdays to take him to speech and MIL watched our now 16 month old during these times-- yes I have a great network all helping my DS).
At no point during the year did anyone from the preschool tell me they had any concerns. I even took days off during the school year to work in the classroom myself. Its not like there was no opportunity to mention stuff to me.
So today the teacher called and asked how summer was going. She told me she called to tell me about the upcoming dates and such for fall. She asked if he was learning anything new and I told her all about the trike riding. At preschool he had many times gotten on the trike to try to play with the other kids but just did not have the core strength to do it. Then her tone got serious and asked if I had a few minutes to talk or if I would like to speak to her in person. I told her I did have time to talk. My stomach simultaneously did a flip flop because I had no idea what she meant by needing to talk.
She was very nice about it but addressed a concern that DS was hard to redirect and was sometimes distracting to her teaching and the other kids' learning. I felt like the biggest idiot thinking everything was ok. I immediately had tears in my eyes and tried not to let it her hear it in my voice. Am I that mom? The one in denial that maybe this was a stupid idea? Do I have the kid that all the parents wish was not in their child's class?
I am sure because I am upset that this is probably not true but I am a teacher. I know what it is like to have kids in your class that are hard to manage. I have had to make calls that I did not want to make. Sometimes I could not believe how in denial the parents were that their kid was capable of misbehaving. I never understood it any more than I do now as a parent of a special needs kid. I just feel like now maybe they are trying to coax me into going someplace else. She asked me what she could do to help him redirect his behavior and I told her we do timeouts at home. I quickly added that if the behavior is not ok that maybe he will just have to leave for the day and will eventually realize that he can't do the behavior or he will have to leave. She seemed to mull it over and then started talking about how much he enjoys music time. i told her music is big in this house since I am a music teacher in the public school district and I teach violin lessons out of my home. As this conversation went on I could see the "sandwich" she was doing. I just did not know how to proceed with what I needed to say. I no longer cared about the small talk. I just wanted to know what she wanted me to do.
Our conversation basically ended with her hoping that I could attend the first day of school to help reset expectations and talk with my mom about ways she can redirect his behavior. I don't know, I am at a loss. His behaviors are looking more and more abnormal than they did even a year ago. He stims with stuff in front of his eyes (he is very farsighted), he does this new squeel thing for the past six months, he will do a full on sprint out the front door about 50% of the time and act like its a funny game to see you running after him, he still is making slow progress on PT, he still has a small range of foods in his diet, he is constantly sensory seeking (jumping off the couch, rolling on the floor, standing on his head) and I just hate it. New things are cropping up all the time. Then he has these days he appears NT. It does not make sense at all. He is very bright (I have mentioned his amazing memory and hyperlexia and desire to figure things out) but that leads him to get bored easily and make bad decisions. He will decide to pull stuff down in his closet or sneak my cell phone and begin playing games or taking pics or something or ask to go to certain places ALL THE TIME (Costco, target, Walmart, Grandmas etc). He is a very sweet social kid and very happy most of the time. He loves to go to new places. This all is just so heart breaking.
I'm sorry, I just needed a place to vent. I decided not to tell DH yet. He was not in a mood that I wanted to add to. I also do not want him blaming my poor mom for the preschool calling (which would be his first instinct. He swears DS never misbehaves for him and that my mom and I are both too permissive)
Thanks for reading my novel. Have any of you had a situation like this? They didn't tell me he had to go but I don't want him somewhere they may not want him either. I wish SN parenting would get easier but it seems to be just the opposite.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Just had a "sandwich" conversation with preschool
DS was in a wonderful preschool when I heard the sandwich conversation for the first time. Its a hard pill to swallow when you hear that your childs behavior is not typical. My reaction to this? I pulled DS, thinking it was the school. Looking back, I should've asked how to proceed; I should have asked if he was able to stay. I didn't, I was too reactionary.
It took 2 more schools, both of which were not as forgiving of DS' behavior as the first, but I also knew when the conversation was going to occur. I was becoming "seasoned" but didn't have the answers to why DS was so difficult. I was lost, but the path becoming clearer....I needed to evaluate him. At this point he was in ST & OT but no named for it but SPD. DH said that all of us are pushovers, that, that is the reason why DS is "running rough shot" over everyone.
DS from the outside world he looks just difficult and tougher than most. But there is a bigger reason behind it.
The final school, the one who kept DS for almost 2yrs (until the summer before kindergarten) accepted him with all of his quirks and misgivings; On the really hard days she would call me to pick him up- but he was always welcome back. I was able to use her experience as a trusted teacher to provide answers for the evaluation from the psychologist.
I suspect if on the spectrum, he is HFA/Aspergers and one foot in special needs and one foot in NT. This makes it hard, because people say "He's fine!" "He's just tough."...but no one could watch him long without a meltdown occurring which results many times in DS walking to me with the red/pink face of emotional distress and a teacher behind him, staring at me with an exacerbated look on her face, at which times she snaps words at me about his wrong doings.
Has he been evaluated by the school district? Is his SLP private or through the school district?
We got his hearing checked just before turning 2 (my brother is an audiologist) and discussed my issues with him and his wife (both have a bachelors degree in speech and language-- he finished a doctorate of audiology, she got a masters in elementary ed). So I valued their opinions in the very early on quirks we saw and the fact his receptive language was so bad. My DH was in denial as well as his side of the family and some of my friends. Supposedly he was just a very active happy boy. Lots of boys are late to talk blah blah blah....
We have done speech for 2 years, OT (with feeding therapy included), and he has had glasses for his extreme farsided-ness for a year and frequent checks. Our SLP who I LOVED moved and we started with a new one a few months back. She is not the one that suggested the mainstreaming. I point blank asked her the other day if she thought I was realistic that my son may be able to handle some mainstreaming by kinder if we wait until 6 (he just turned 4 last month so he is a summer baby). She said with proper supports in place she doesn't see why not and I also prefaced the question with the added I know you can only make an educated guess and none of us know the future but..... She was reasonably hesitant to give any false hopes--- I could tell in her hesitation. She also hasn't really worked with him long enough to really have a good idea of anything. I know Auntie would also add that she isn't technically qualified to make that statement. I was asking it more than anything to get a vague picture of where we are headed.
At DS's 4 year well check DH and I were very forward with our regular pedi and told him both my desire to make sure DS was getting what he needed and perhaps see a dev pedi and DH's hesitation that DS is fine with what we are currently doing. The doctor agreed that DX or not, we have a good plan in place. He knows a doctor locally that would be a good person to see the year before kinder to do all the actual dx and such. I left that appointment at least happy that DH heard it straight form the doctor and agreed to this plan but also worried I am waiting too long. Maybe other therapies need to happen, maybe not. So long story short--- not dx--- but no denial here either. I went to that preschool last year admitting everything. I did not want any surprises on their end. It would not be fair to anyone. I actually felt like I set my son up for them to dislike before seeing him (not for personality but for how hard he would be to communicate with and his quirks).
Like I said, my stomach still hurts because I am not sure I want to step back into a place that may have been trying to nicely show me the door. On a side note, this particular teacher used to be a SPED teacher before teaching at this preschool. Maybe that is why it is harder for her just to spell it out. She probably understands where I am coming from. I don't know. DH and I have been arguing a lot lately. I want to talk to him about it, but I also need a break from the arguing and the extreme parenting I feel like I am in. It is twice as hard because it is summer and I am off since I am a teacher.
As far as stimming-- its visual stimming. He will do it just every once in a while. Drop an object an inch from his face or hold his hand in his peripheral vision and stare straight ahead. Usually it ramps up if he is bored or stressed. the squeel I referred to is in his talking if he really wants your attention and is not getting what he deems enough. He will say "Mommy I want a drink of water." Maybe I am not turned to him yet then he will go "MOMMY I want (SQUEEL) a drink of water" Its pretty annoying.
Thank you everyone for responding. I had a hard time sleeping last night. I do not like keeping things from DH and I just wanted to cry and scream it at him (like I said we have had a rough couple days). I need time to process it myself
(:|
Yeah we have been over it a million times. This is the compromise to keep my marriage peaceful and to give my DH time to see as more quirks present themselves. He is getting a lot of therapy, not exactly like some of the kids on here that get multiple hours a week, but it was still 5 hours of preschool, 1 hour OT, 1 hour speech and a lot of us as parents working with him too.
The regular pedi even backed up DH and said lets wait until next summer when he turns 5 and get the dev pedi on board and then start the process. He said not to worry about wait time, he will make sure to get it all in place (since he knows the doctor) far enough ahead of kinder (basically this is a little over two years from kinder starting for DS)
Anyway, I do not doubt he is on the spectrum. It would just be the formality. I mean he has mild hypotonia, feeding issues, receptive/expressive speech delay, sensory seeking behavior, vision issues, hyperlexia, impressive memory skills and appears to have the emotional maturity at least a 1/3 off his chronological age.
I emailed the OT and she wrote back immediately telling me not to worry we would go over all my problems on Monday and she would help me sort it out.
I do want to add just a few tidbits. One, being that my son doesn't get "bored" I guess that is a wrong description, more like he starts getting creative. I have to have baby proofing stuff just to keep him out of exploring-- he does this by nature of curiousity and we can not tell him something (receptive delay in the 4th%) and expect that it is clearly understood-- although we see growth all the time. He now waits until I am not paying attention. I have locks on everything. He also plays very well with his 16 month old sister and tries to give her toys and play with him.
Just one story to add, he is super friendly and doesn't know boundaries. he sat on a guy's lap a year ago at the hair salon when he noticed he was reading a car magazine and went on to try to read to the guy. He grabbed a lady's hand to hold in the checkout line one time and I turned around and had to apologize for his friendliness. He knows when I take a different route home and since he can read, sometimes will comment from the backseat that we need to stop at a place. Every place we frequent enough remembers him-- its hard not too-- bright blond hair, blue glasses and the most innocent outgoing outlook on life. He called over to a guy a month ago and said"Hey guy, hey guy, you drive a Toyota? You drive a red Toyota truck?" Pretty good sentences for my speech delayed child, so he is obviously wanting to interact with people.
The element that I avoided mentioning, although I did in a post some time ago, is that my DH is bipolar. He has struggled with being extremely smart, but has a disorder that makes it hard to get along with people. He also has anxiety that is getting better but its always there. Its an odd combo when someone can be such an insecure ass sometimes. We have known each other and dated when we were 18, we are now 35 and been married 6 years.
He was dx incorrectly many times and his parents didn't get it and he thought he was just a bad child until he was in his early teens and got the help he needed. he sees my son's issues through that lense and it is like living it all over again. he talks about how people treated him, how doctors were wrong etc. He is coming around to the idea but this is a painful subject and for us, there are more levels than a DH in denial. I think we have become a stronger set of parents but damn it if I want to trade that for the normal life I expected. I know people say that SN parents were chosen and all that, but I struggle with thinking about how we were prepared for mental illness to be passed on and not ASD with the possibility of bipolar or anxiety too. We just are taking ti one step at a time. I realize some of you commented to do something now, but we are doing "something" with a year time line to do more. I don't know. There really is no right answer. I guess that is how I am going to defend my position on this right now. You guys can agree or not.
Auntie I actually woke up this morning hoping you would chime in, thank you a million times over
i will try to explain this a bit better. DH realizes that something is going on with DS, he basically thinks because he is so social, this can not possibly be onthe spectrum and that there are too many boys being misdiagnosed. Numbers can not have quadrupled like they have, Aspergers deserves to still be called that etc. He is in the camp that there is another underlying cause for his speech delay but since it is the dx of the day we will just get this slapped on his forehead and it will change nothing but the way the world treats him. (speaking from a person with anxiety and bipolar)
Do I agree with this? No. We have spoken with all of DS's therapists and his regular pedi (yeah no dev pedi yet). Everyone agrees that an ASD dx is not what is going on and think waiting is NBD.
My mom and I have read a ton and of course I am on here listening to you guys too. My mom even went to an all day ASD training class meant for SPED teachers but parents were not discouraged. She was the only one not working in the school district that went and she learned a lot.
We have known something was up from day 1 when he refused to nurse and had a hard time drinking from a bottle too. I had TWO very experienced lactation consultants working with me in the hospital, both were concerned but had no explanation. Nothing jumped out as to what the problem was.
I never hide things from DH, this was one of those situations where shit hit the fan and we had just had a heated argument about DS refusing to get on the potty. DH wants to blame it on behavior and that I am not stern enough with my expectations. Regardless of reality, we were not getting along and this news would have made it worse and I wanted things to cool off so we could talk rationally about the phone call. I respect DH a lot and I do not define him by his dx or tiptoe around him. The situation is really hard to explain to a bunch of internet folk that have never met us. We have also talked at length about how he needs to manage his anxiety better because he really wants to start up a side business that he would be amazing at if he had the confidence to even start. I have helped him as much as I can a cheerleader. People have seen his work and are super impressed, He needs to give himself the final push. I know its may be a year before he finally does, but it would bring him happiness that his current job is lacking.
DS legitimately reads Auntie. Yes, he can identify random logos and such, but he reads words in multiple context and font. His first letter recognition was before age 2. At first around age 3 I thought someone told him what words were and proceeded to write them on paper and point to them and he read them. He has probably 100 rote memory words but he also can also sound them out. If he wonders what it says he will say "What does this say?" a million times a day. Last summer we were in JC Penney (he just turned 3 that June) and he started pointing to objects and said "Jeans start with the letter J" "Balloon starts with the letter B" So then I looked at him and said "What does Dockers start with?" We just passed a pile of khakis. He smiled and yelled"D!!"
Speaking of his impulsiveness, he gets more impulsive when he is overwhelmed. So at a park with a ton of kids he may act fine and then all of sudden get the flight or fight response and just break into a dead sprint and not react to you calling his name. Then at home when he may have recently been put into time out he will just not know what to do with himself and start throwing his body against the couch over and over and maybe squeal and make noises. He also no matter how many times I tell him not to touch something, he may do it in front of me or wander down the hall and not let me see it. He doesn't always act like its a big deal when he sees me see him do it, sometimes he does. that is why i feel like he seems more like a 2.5yo than a just turned 4 year old. He is impulsive, bottom line. I just don't know if its age appropriate or attention seeking or a way to deal with anxiety.