Brother drama and baby... Need advice

efgallarday · July 2014

My brother married my best friend at the time, who turned out to be the queen B*€%#! of the universe when I decided that I couldn't do their wedding pictures for free (I'm a professional photographer), and kicked me out of her wedding. And refuses to speak to me, like even over a table where everyone in my family is eating. She won't wven make eye contact, it's that ridiculous.

My brother and I have talked, I've apologized, but I finally got sick of trying to make her happy because she wanted me to jump through all these hoops and I did my apology (which technically I didn't owe her) and I wasn't going to let her make me feel bad.

Well fast forward to now (his wedding was in May). I'm 18 weeks pregnant, my brother has not even once texted me to ask me about the baby. Not once stopped by or called and is basically treating me like I don't exist.

When my parents were here, he came into my house multiple times and barely spoke to me, basically used my house as a place to hang out with his stupid wife and my parents while they were here.

My thing is, I don't want him in my kid's life. He's being a complete jerk and i just feel like I don't want him around.

He met his wife because of me and yet he just can't get over this whole thing even with an apology. It makes me so mad he's using my house when my family is here but he can't say hi to me in public and I don't want him in my house doing the same when my baby is born... because no doubt my parents will come visit after baby comes.

Sorry so long, I just need advice. Am I overreacting? What would you do?

[Deleted User] · July 2014

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BrideLinds · July 2014

I think you should try to talk it over. Life's too short.

BTW if you were in the wedding how were you supposed to be the photographer too??

efgallarday · July 2014

BrideLinds said:
I think you should try to talk it over. Life's too short.

BTW if you were in the wedding how were you supposed to be the photographer too??

I was her maid of honor! And they never told me she kicked me out, I found out on Facebook so that's lovely.

I was supposed to do all details and getting ready and have a second shooter for the bridal party and ceremony . Which is what caused the whole issue. She wanted to pick a second shooter for me even though I'd already asked someone I totally trusted. I told her I'd take her with me to meet her and she said she wanted to meet with her without me there. So I politely said they should hire a photographer. I thought that would have saved our friendship from drama, but no, she freaked out about it. My dad ended up paying for their photographer because my brother called everyone in my family talking crap about me because of it

mlee116 · July 2014

I would not tolerate someone coming over to my house and being rude to me or not even acknowledging me. Hell to the no, bitches. I would tell them that if they want to see your parents while they are visiting, they can make plans at their house or somewhere else but they are not welcome if that's how they're going to act.

Other than that, I wouldn't bother with them anymore. I choose to spend my time on positive people that I enjoy being around and those are also the kind of people I would want in my child's life.

efgallarday · July 2014

mlee116 said:
I would not tolerate someone coming over to my house and being rude to me or not even acknowledging me. Hell to the no, bitches. I would tell them that if they want to see your parents while they are visiting, they can make plans at their house or somewhere else but they are not welcome if that's how they're going to act.

Other than that, I wouldn't bother with them anymore. I choose to spend my time on positive people that I enjoy being around and those are also the kind of people I would want in my child's life.

I've always been the one who lets people walk on me because I try to be nice but I'm seriously done with this situation and the momma bear is coming out and I don't want negative immature people around my LO.

I told my parents I didn't want them here last time they visited but my dad invited them anyway but that's not happening when baby is here cause I will cut someone.

efgallarday · July 2014

BrideLinds said:
I think you should try to talk it over. Life's too short.

BTW if you were in the wedding how were you supposed to be the photographer too??

I've tried talking to him but he doesn't see my side of things and blames me and she won't talk to me at all.

desireeariel · July 2014

Family not speaking to you because of some pictures? Some serious first world problems.

They wanted to take advantage of your career? You should be the angry one. Sounds like they're extremely childish and you do not need this stress right now.

I am having problems with my brother too. He is 29 and getting divorced (they did not have kids yet) so when I became pregnant he was very rude to me if he spoke to me at all. Always making snide comments about my life choices like he is better. BUT THEN GUESS WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?? He knocked up some girl he dated for a week and a half. His divorce was not even final yet! Now his baby is due 2 weeks after mine... How special lol anyways you have done nothing wrong and karma is a bitch.

Cryssteen · July 2014

I know it's over and done with, and I don't think you did anything wrong... but why did you refuse to do the photos? Was it a financial decision? Or the fact that you didn't want to have to work your brother's wedding? Because if it was financial, I don't really get it. I don't imagine you'd have taken a job on that day anyway. Sometimes family - immediate family - and best friends do get to reap the benefit of having a [INSERT DESIRED PROFESSION HERE] in the family. It's one thing if you feel like you're being taken advantage of...

Anyway, whatever your reasons, it sounds like your SIL is totally offended that her best friend couldn't do her a favor. She's being a baby and dragging your bro in to it. You may need to suck it up and apologize to her. It's not rational, but it will likely start to mend things. You're having a baby, and I'm sure you want these two people who are important to you to be involved in his/her life. Sometimes you just bite the bullet to put an end to immaturity.

nebrtwin · July 2014

As a fellow professional photographer, I totally support your decision not to do the wedding, and I'm honestly surprised you were even willing to do the detail shots! I couldn't work with someone I didn't trust, I need to know how they work, what their portfolio looks like, and not to mention if they have the proper equipment to adequately capture those special moments. You screw up wedding photography and that's asking for major trouble!

My best friend recently got married, and I didn't even bring my camera to the wedding. I wanted to focus on my time with her and let the photographer do his job (which I helped her with finding her wedding photographer).

I'd give your brother and his beast wife some space and just let them be. Maybe hide them on Facebook so you don't cause yourself some unnecessary stress. Make it known your wishes when it comes to being in your home and try to let the rest slide. Hopefully once he realizes he is losing touch with his sister (not to mention his niece/nephew when they arrive) that he'll come around.

efgallarday · July 2014

Cryssteen said:
I know it's over and done with, and I don't think you did anything wrong... but why did you refuse to do the photos? Was it a financial decision? Or the fact that you didn't want to have to work your brother's wedding? Because if it was financial, I don't really get it. I don't imagine you'd have taken a job on that day anyway. Sometimes family - immediate family - and best friends do get to reap the benefit of having a [INSERT DESIRED PROFESSION HERE] in the family. It's one thing if you feel like you're being taken advantage of...

Anyway, whatever your reasons, it sounds like your SIL is totally offended that her best friend couldn't do her a favor. She's being a baby and dragging your bro in to it. You may need to suck it up and apologize to her. It's not rational, but it will likely start to mend things. You're having a baby, and I'm sure you want these two people who are important to you to be involved in his/her life. Sometimes you just bite the bullet to put an end to immaturity.

I told her I'd hired a second shooter. A girl I trusted and who is amazing. Sent her the girl's portfolio and website. She then tells me she wants to meet her, which I'm fine with. I told her I'd take her with me to my meeting with her. Then she says she doesn't want me there ad wants to meet her without me. I always pick my own 2nd shooter and none of my brides have ever mistrusted my choice.

I just got a bad feeling and told her maybe I shouldn't do the wedding so they could pick their own photographer and she said ok. And then proceeded to freak out. I have texted her an apology, tried to meet with her and she won't so idk what apologizing again will do.

Eta: She also had a lot of connections for her wedding through my industry friends who she basically tried to turn against me. Luckily they know me better than to believe how she was portraying the situation. She also sent pictures of my text messages to our mutual friends trying to start stuff

megbmeg · July 2014

It sounds likes things are horrible now. I'd suggest a cooling off period, and see how you are all doing in a couple of months. I get that you're ready to throw in the towel because you're frustrated but it seems like a shame to lose your brother over something so relatively minor. Good luck!

efgallarday · July 2014

nebrtwin said:
As a fellow professional photographer, I totally support your decision not to do the wedding, and I'm honestly surprised you were even willing to do the detail shots! I couldn't work with someone I didn't trust, I need to know how they work, what their portfolio looks like, and not to mention if they have the proper equipment to adequately capture those special moments. You screw up wedding photography and that's asking for major trouble!

My best friend recently got married, and I didn't even bring my camera to the wedding. I wanted to focus on my time with her and let the photographer do his job (which I helped her with finding her wedding photographer).

I'd give your brother and his beast wife some space and just let them be. Maybe hide them on Facebook so you don't cause yourself some unnecessary stress. Make it known your wishes when it comes to being in your home and try to let the rest slide. Hopefully once he realizes he is losing touch with his sister (not to mention his niece/nephew when they arrive) that he'll come around.

I appreciate that I'm not crazy! I was fine with doing some work until she started trying to dictate my choices. The 2nd shooter was amazing and there was no reason she needed to meet her without me there.

efgallarday · July 2014

megbmeg said:
It sounds likes things are horrible now. I'd suggest a cooling off period, and see how you are all doing in a couple of months. I get that you're ready to throw in the towel because you're frustrated but it seems like a shame to lose your brother over something so relatively minor. Good luck!

That's how I feel and why I've tried to apologize but this has just been made into a fiasco because she refuses to let it go. I am thinking of trying to talk to my brother but he's not capable of not doing everything she says or at least that's how it seems.

mlee116 · July 2014

Honestly, the more I read, the more I think some distance between you and your brother and SIL would be a really good thing. It sounds like you and her just had too many conflicting roles (best friends, MOH, photographer, now SILs) and it all came to a head. Maybe you all can have a better relationship down the road, but for now, I'd just let things cool off.

And your dad inviting them over when you made it clear that you didn't want him there is rude and weird. I would address that with him so it doesn't happen again. I think this can be down in a very nice and tactful way, especially if he knows the situation.

megbmeg · July 2014

efgallarday said:

megbmeg said:
It sounds likes things are horrible now. I'd suggest a cooling off period, and see how you are all doing in a couple of months. I get that you're ready to throw in the towel because you're frustrated but it seems like a shame to lose your brother over something so relatively minor. Good luck!
That's how I feel and why I've tried to apologize but this has just been made into a fiasco because she refuses to let it go. I am thinking of trying to talk to my brother but he's not capable of not doing everything she says or at least that's how it seems.

How frustrating! Maybe in a few weeks invite just him to meet for coffee or something and just catch up the two of you. I think I'd just lay it on the table - I miss you and I want things to be good between us, but I don't know how to get past what's going on. What could we do? And then see what he says.

efgallarday · July 2014

mlee116 said:
Honestly, the more I read, the more I think some distance between you and your brother and SIL would be a really good thing. It sounds like you and her just had too many conflicting roles (best friends, MOH, photographer, now SILs) and it all came to a head. Maybe you all can have a better relationship down the road, but for now, I'd just let things cool off.

And your dad inviting them over when you made it clear that you didn't want him there is rude and weird. I would address that with him so it doesn't happen again. I think this can be down in a very nice and tactful way, especially if he knows the situation.

My dad can be a douche. It definitely won't happen again. He knew and he just does what he wants.

And I agree, I think that's the biggest problem. I think it was my mistake for agreeing in the first place to do photos and I take responsibility for that. I should have just kept to MOH and friend.

Baby doesn't come til December so hopefully that'll be enough time for him to come to his senses.

Eora3 · July 2014

This sounds like a good time to set some boundaries for all family members
:
No one invites guests to your house without your permission.

Guests who are being impolite will be asked to leave.

Access to the new baby is a privilege not a right (any one causing drama will lose the privilege).

Disneygeek77 · July 2014

All of their behaviors is unacceptable and should have been stopped a long time. Don't ever apologize when you have done nothing wrong because as you can see that got you nowhere. I also highly, highly doubt that the relationship will improve when the baby comes. If anything, you will get even more pressure from your parents to stuff your self respect to the side and put up with more toxicity. Doing so would be a terrible mistake, trust me.

I agree with PP that said that having access to the baby is not a right, but a privilege. I decided a long time ago that if you are not respectful to me, then you don't have access to my child. I don't care who you are and what genetic link you might have to my child, YOU ARE NOT RESPECTFUL TO ME, YOU WON'T SEE MY KID. End of story, end of discussion.

I also disagree with PP that said that having a professional in the family somehow means you are entitled to discounted/ free services. I believe that kind of thinking is rude and obnoxious and would never expect a family member to give me their services for free or discounted unless they did so willingly out of the kindness of their heart. Just because you are a professional or have a marketable skill, that does not mean that others can take advantage of you.

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