Family Drama

ValgalSF · July 2014

There is no board to post this in... so I'm going to do it here since I'm 34 weeks.

I'm looking for honest opinions with a decision I've made, and hope that I am doing the right thing. A little back story, my mom has been an alcoholic for the past 15+ years. Her alcoholism has affected my life in many ways, and I have been hurt countless times by her relapses (usually during major milestones in my own life). A couple big ones: My wedding 10 years ago, she was in court ordered rehab after a DUI. They let her out to attend, but she played no part in it otherwise. My graduation from college (2 years ago), she came to visit me and my husband to join the celebration. I was under the impression that she had been sober for at least a year. She didn't make the graduation, because my husband found her practically comatose from pills and vodka in our home. He had to pick her up off the floor and put her in our bed so he could make he graduation himself. We returned from the graduation dinner to broken glass everywhere, and more open bottles of booze.

I have told her for years now that if she isn't sober when I have a child, then she will not be welcome to stay with us (we live about an hour apart, by plane). Again, I have been under the impression that she has been sober for the last 6 months at least, and I just had my family baby shower about 2 weeks ago... which she helped plan. We spoke on the phone this last Sunday, and I just KNEW she was drunk. We spoke for about 30 minutes, and I finally called her out about it. I asked if she was okay, and if something was going on... I even asked, "Are you on something, like pills?". She then admitted that she was drinking again, and that it's been going on for months. Mind you, it was 9:30am on a Sunday.

We had planned for her to come to stay with us for a week when the baby is born. I am obviously worried. I cannot imagine what would have happened if I had just ignored it, and had her come up to stay with me when the baby arrives. Would she have hid it, and drank while here? Or just detoxed while I'm caring for a newborn? I am beyond upset about the whole thing. I ended up writing her a long email about how I can't manage caring for a newborn... and watching her like a hawk. I had hoped that having her here would be a major help to me, but now it's a scary and stressful idea. She is promising up and down to clean up in the next month so she can be here, because she "can't miss this special time". I just don't believe it. It's all the same bull s*** she has promised time after time. I feel like this time I need to put my big girl pants on and make choices for my family, and myself.

Bottom line is, I've told her that she is not going to be able to join us when the baby arrives. My question for you ladies is, did I do the right thing? I'm losing a lot here too... because I know when you have a new baby, all you want is your own mother (at least that is what I've heard). My husband is supportive of my decision, but we're both really disappointed. Needless to say, my mother is crushed. I get to feel like the a**hole, and the victim all at the same time. Ugh. Thanks for reading this, I know it's long winded.

cnchavez69 · July 2014

I think you made the right decision. Having a newborn is an adjustment of its own and you don't need to worry about what your mom may or may not be doing while in your home. It will hurt that she can't be there but it sounds like you've had to handle the most important things in your life on your own anyways. You seem to have a supportive husband and right now that is what is important. If your mother does finally clean up her life then of course she can share time with you....eventually. But right now maybe having consequences on her end will help her to see how serious you are and will be an incentive for her to get clean and stay that way.

ValgalSF · July 2014

Thanks for your support... I feel like I've done the right thing, but I know how hard it's going to be to stay firm in this over the next 6 weeks.

I've told her that she needs treatment, but it's like talking to a brick wall. She's convinced that she can do it alone, and I know she's fooling herself. I'm planning to stick to my guns, and not allow her to visit us until she has 60 days sober. The only way I will truly know that she has 60 days is when I get an email from her sponsor (whoever that will be). That's the deal I gave her. Maybe Christmas.

I totally agree that I need someone else to be here with us. I'm going to start reaching out to a few cousins, and if they can't be here... maybe some friends can fill in the gaps. Thanks again.

LyndseylovesHugh · July 2014

Just to echo all PPs, I think you did the right thing. She is an adult and you need to do what's best for your baby (and you). I know it sucks when our loved ones let us down over and over again, but that's on her, not you.

conradraging · July 2014

I think you made the right choice. Maybe she needs this and it will convince her to go seek inpatient treatment. Perhaps if she actually does that, you can go visit her wherever she is being treated, once you and baby are ready to travel.

Im so sorry you're dealing with this and I know it must be hard to make such a decision. Good luck to you and your family, and especially to her to get the help she needs.

cozybluebear · July 2014

I think you made the right decision. To be honest, that week after the baby is born will be much more special with just you and your husband. My son was born during a blizzard and no one could get to the hospital or our house for a week and it was great bonding time for our new little family. I'm sorry that your Mom has been such a disappointment to you but she needs to understand that she did this to herself. Stay strong!

portentosa · July 2014

ValgalSF said:

Thanks for your support... I feel like I've done the right thing, but I know how hard it's going to be to stay firm in this over the next 6 weeks.

I've told her that she needs treatment, but it's like talking to a brick wall. She's convinced that she can do it alone, and I know she's fooling herself. I'm planning to stick to my guns, and not allow her to visit us until she has 60 days sober. The only way I will truly know that she has 60 days is when I get an email from her sponsor (whoever that will be). That's the deal I gave her. Maybe Christmas.

I totally agree that I need someone else to be here with us. I'm going to start reaching out to a few cousins, and if they can't be here... maybe some friends can fill in the gaps. Thanks again.

I too have someone in my life that believes they can quit alcohol on their own, but time and time again they relapse. You are being very strong holding your ground, and it is absolutely the right thing to do. Having a support system around you is invaluable when dealing with the emotions that surround dealing with an alcoholic. ((hugs))

Disneygeek77 · July 2014

You did the right thing. This will be a time in your life when you need to do what is best for you and your baby.

I would also suggest al or narc anon for you too. They have excellent tools for those who have family members who are addicts.

trebekastan · July 2014

I would like to extend this a little further by saying that:

1) You should feel no guilt about your decision. Guilt is only applicable when you have done something wrong.

2) You will have times, not when you miss your mom, but when you miss the idea of what your mom should be. There is a big difference between the two. So when you feel like you should cave "because she's my mom", just remember that you are mournign the loss of the mother you should have had, not the mother you actually have.

ValgalSF · July 2014

I appreciate everything you guys are saying, and I 100% agree. I'm really sad that she has chosen the bottle over her family, again and again. I will keep trying to remind myself that I've done nothing wrong, and that this is my first act as a responsible mom. Distance and boundaries are going to be necessary, and I am lucky that my husband supports this decision. He has seen this many times now, and he wants what's best for all of us as well.

MrsDuarte8185 : I'm glad to know I'm not alone. This is me drawing that hard line. I've told my mom that unless she is sober, she is not welcome in our home. She has known for years that it would be this way if she was still drinking, and now it's up to me to stay strong in my decision. At least I know that I'm making the safest decision for my daughter. I don't want to have additional stress during this truly wonderful time in my life.

RedBaramid · July 2014

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this. You are making the right choice, and maybe someday she'll realize what she is missing out on and get clean. I've got some family too who "gets clean" and then shows up wasted.. she is currently clean, and we're all sadly just waiting for the other foot to drop again. It's so hard to watch them do this because at the end of the day there is NOTHING you can do to change them or help them until they really truly honestly want it themselves.

I hope you also get a little relief from spilling about this family drama, I can't imagine how hard it would be to keep this kind of worry/sadness bottled up.

jessandmike2013 · July 2014

You are extremely gracious and level about what sounds very very hard. The way you speak about it is inspiring. For real. Thank you for being level headed, respectful, and graceful in your dealings. You are a thoroughbred of a strong woman and I wish you luck. I have no advice to give but I really needed to commend you.

Dani0329 · July 2014

As hard as I am sure it was, I believe you made the right decision. The time after the baby arrives will be special, but also busy with a learning curve. I feel like trying to watch your mom and get used to being a new mom would be overwhelming. I am sorry you are going through this!

Ki0918 · July 2014

I also have an alcoholic mother. I went to therapy and learned how to set and keep boundaries with her. I did this before becoming pregnant and I feel more equipped to handle tough situations, like you have now. You are doing the right thing.

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