Hello - Introduction

dancerspose · July 2014

Hello Ladies. I am new to the bump and the world of trouble conceiving. I do not have an official diagnosis yet. About 6 months into TTC my periods became infrequent (went from every 5 weeks to 6+ weeks to not at all) so we decided to seek professional help figuring out what was going on. I’ve only had the first round of tests and have just been put on a course or Provera due to my lack of period for over 50 days.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

While I waited the requisite few days to be able to post myself, I have been reading a lot of the other posts, particularly by new people. I certainly share the anger, frustration and depression most people mention. I am hoping getting involved in this forum will be a helpful outlet for all that, in addition to showing me I’m not alone.

I do have a specific question for you ladies, though. My husband and I have kept the fact that we’re TTC to ourselves. We are generally private people, and not even our family and close friends know. I work in a large building with many people who are what I would label work acquaintances, not friends. I am also one of the few younger people in my work area. So, it was very common knowledge when I got married in November 2013. Starting almost immediately after the wedding, and picking up in frequency since, many people who barely know me ask when we’re having kids or if I’m pregnant yet. To be quite blunt, it’s none of their business. I generally just give a vague, “when the time is right” or “no, not yet” but it’s painful for me to constantly face these questions knowing we’re struggling. Any recommendations for how to politely handle these nosy coworkers? Or any tips in general about sharing your struggles with loved ones?

I look forward to getting to know you ladies as we continue on this journey.

BethKate2 · July 2014

I'm sorry you have to be here, but welcome to the board.

A few close friends know about our struggles TTC, but that's about it. My dad also sort-of knows now because I felt like we had to tell him after my loss last year. He and I don't talk about it, though. As for acquaintances, coworkers, family I don't see often, I just give vague answers like you do. My H and I have been married for 6 years, so we've been getting the questions for a while. Actually, most people don't really bring it up much anymore. I think people might be starting to suspect there's a problem at this point.

catlover790 · July 2014

Welcome! I'm sorry you have to be here though, I think you'll find lots of others here who are going through similar situations.

We haven't told anyone yet either, and are also pretty private about our personal life. Our family doesn't ask too often, but I find the acquaintances and coworkers are the most annoying to me. Family at least are probably looking forward to that time but I really don't get why coworkers even care about my TTC!

Anyway, I hope the rest of your testing goes well! I wouldn't rush the decision to tell people or not, you can think about it and tell people whenever you feel comfortable. Good luck with everything!

WishUponAChild · July 2014

I shared info with one person on DH side and I regret it. They know we are fighting IF and yet every time I see them (even if it was only 2 weeks from the previous time) they ask if I am pregnant.

Next time they ask I am going to lie and say we aren't trying anymore. I don't like to lie, but if it is the only way to get them to leave us alone I am willing to do it. We are still in the first 6 months of treatment so I couldn't imagine after 12 months how nosy they would be.

Although my friends don't understand what it is like for me they are compassionate, my mom was a nurse and she is so interested in the whole thing I think sometimes she forgets that I am still the person that is just wishing and dreaming for a child because she gets so fascinated with the medical part of it.

shirleymaeby · July 2014

Welcome, hope your stay is short! I have a very big mouth and I don't feel like I should be ashamed about IF so when people ask I tell them point blank that we've been trying and it hasn't happened yet. I leave it up to them to decide whether they want to know more or drop it there. I do get down sometimes about how many people know what we are going through, but on the other hand I want to educate people who are interested about IF so that they will be more aware. My approach is obviously not for everyone though.

cupcake122 · July 2014

First of all- welcome and good luck! My parents and his parents know as do both of our sisters and my closest friends. I told people gradually, and as we got more and more bad news. Basically I had to have surgery so I had to tell the world something. I have a friend who had TTTC and needed clomid for a few cycles- she only told me and her mom and that's all she needed to tell. I think it depends how far deep you go.... Once I needed surgery I had to tell more people. My advice- tell who you trust when you want to. There's no right answer here. Tell the people who you need support from.

brijen44 · July 2014

similar to kmdecoux, I am pretty frank with people who ask or make comments when I don't feel good (ooooh you must be pregnant! I WISH THAT WAS A FUCKING POSSIBILITY) ugh

thirtyninetoforty · July 2014

Welcome! I shared with three people and they know very little! I don't want them asking all the time or knowing how badly I want this to happen so I brush it off. Good luck

dirtyvegas · July 2014

Welcome to the board! I'm a *bit* of a private person by nature. And the whole IF treatment thing I've been extra secretive about. I don't talk about it with anyone other than DH (and you guys now!) I'm lucky that DH is super supportive and totally committed to all the ups and downs of going through this with me, but I don't think guys completely understand what all the appointments, exams, medications, etc. are like to go through. I don't even talk about us TTC. When people ask us, "Do you want to have kids?" I say, "We definitely do someday!" I just don't like the idea of people constantly asking us about trying (and possibly prying into our sex life) or even worse, asking if we've had trouble trying to conceive and wanting details about what's going on. It just seems easier to avoid the subject completely than tell a piece of it and then say "I'd rather not talk about it." Sometimes I wish that I was more open about it, but sometimes I really appreciate not getting questions about it. I know many woman talk to their mothers, but I just don't have that "best friends" relationship with mine. If I told her we were actively trying, I know that our phone calls would be filled with "How's it going? Has it happened yet? I can't wait to have grandkids." When I've tried to politely ask her not to pry about things in the past, she's gotten very defensive, saying things like "I'm not prying. I just want to know when I can expect to have grandkids." (Really?) Many of my close girlfriends are still single and those that are married just don't seem that interested in having kids, so I just don't feel like they'd understand.

BandM14 · July 2014

Welcome! I've been pretty open about the fact that we've been TTC since close to when we started... So by now, most friends and family assume there's some difficulty anyway. I actually was talking to more people about it than DH felt comfortable with (he is more of a private person than I am), which is part of the reason I thought an online, anonymous support group would be helpful.

Pintobean39 · July 2014

Welcome!

Personally no one ask me since I'm 40. I guess most think it's just not possible. We only told a few friends but only because of the miscarriages. I can only hide out for so long before people start figuring out something was going on.

StacyLH24 · July 2014

Welcome.

We were open with our immediate family when we first started TTC...mainly because we started with a RE off the bat and the closest one is 1.5 hours away. We are both close with our immediate family members and knew we couldn't keep it a secret. As time has gone on, we've told more and more people. I even "came out" about my infertility issues and struggle to get pregnant on FB. Now, I'll talk about it with anyone. I may not always feel like talking about it, but if someone wants to know, I will share.

BunnyBerry · July 2014

Welcome, although I'm sorry you have to be here.

The way I deal with questions from people about TTC might not work for every one with IF, but I love to reply with, "We've been trying for 5 years without any luck." Or, "We pray for children, but we have been diagnosed with infertility." I think it's a good lesson for people in sensitivity, and also tends to stop the rude ones, and invite the kind ones to be supportive.

dancerspose · July 2014

Thank you all so much for your input. Similarly to you, @ditryvegas I haven't told my mother anything yet either. We definitely have a mother/daughter relationship, not friends. But, she certainly drops a lot of not subtle hints. She's also always gone out of her way to tell me that she never had any trouble conceiving my brothers or I, even though she was 29 when she got pregnant the first time and 36 when she had me (I'm 31 now). Unfortunately, when she says stuff like that it just makes me feel like even more of a failure.

I'm thinking that maybe once I have a diagnosis and/or plan of action I will be more willing to share with a few close friends and family. Since there's nothing to really tell now other than nature isn't working I'm not really up for all the platitudes that would get from people.

Again, I can't stress enough how much better I feel just getting associated with this great, supportive community of women!

wanderlust508 · July 2014

Welcome and I hope your period issues resolve soon! I hope your stay here ends up being short. As for me, when it comes to dealing with questions, it does get hard. Work acquaintances ask me too. I just tell them that we aren't sure yet and are still figuring it out. I don't think people even realize that their questions are annoying ....they think it's just a natural next step after you've been married. I try to keep my patience and calm with them but answer very vaguely and not disclose anything.

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