Am I being selfish?
DH and I have been together 9 years and have been married for 2 and a half years. I have a DS that just turned 16. We have talked about TTC and don't agree on the timing. DH wants to wait until DS is out of high school, but I would prefer some overlap. When I mention that if we wait, I will be over 36 and that there's increased risk, not to mention trying to put a child through college at the same time we want to retire, his repsonse is that his mom had him at 44. My response is that's great for her, as that was what she wanted. I have been ready to TTC for years, and have recently made peace and will be fine whether he decides he's ready or not, but I would really like the cutoff point to be 35.
I know there's no right or wrong here. Has anyone else had a similar situation? What are other's experiences with having a baby when they already have a child in their late teens?
Re: Am I being selfish?
First, as a mom who got knocked up just 23 days before her 37th birthday....it really is not all THAT bad being an older pregnant woman.
Second, (and I am sure you are not going to like this), not wanting the baby trumps wanting the baby. You never want to bring an unwanted baby, even if it is just timing, into a relationship. It will do MORE harm than good.
It is not as if he is saying NO, just saying not right now.
And from MY experience with having an older, step kids in the house...I would wait too. I love my SS to pieces. But the logistics of being pregnant with an older child is just HARD. Band practice, soccer practice, boyscouts, homework, girls.....all these things that you HAVE to worry about ON TOP OF your swelling ankles (ouch) and then baby's feedings/naps/etc.
And the older kid, bio or half, will only resent the time/and aggrivation that new baby causes. They are NOT going to bond the way you think they will....there is just too much of a gap to be sibling close right now.
Sorry - laptop posted before I could finish....
So instead of focusing on immediate gratification, start being proactive for when the time comes.
1) You now have two years to start saving as much money as you possibly can (that takes care of your retirement worries). I know that DH and I saved every cent of my salary the year before we started TTC. That money has not only helped us learn to live on/budet for one salary while I am out of work, it has allowed us to have a nice nest egg to buy baby crap.
2) Get as healthy as you possibly can. Start taking prenatals and DHA suppliments NOW. Do yoga, squats and keegals every single day (Oh how I wish I had kept up with my keegals). Change your overall eating habits now.
3) Get DH ready for parenting too. HE needs to be on vitamins for a year before he donates his bodily fluids (there is an autism link to OLDER FATHERS). He has healthy sperm, you have healthy baby. He is more physically fit, he can take on the late night feedings. He gets into the budgeting mode, the more money you have later.
4) Spend as much time together strengthening your relationship AND getting those trips/events out of the way. Actually DO those fun things you talked about, but have not planned...and do them together. He likes NASCAR - go with him to Talladega. You want to go see a specific band/ballet/opera - take him with you.
Every time you DO something together, you make conjoined memories and grow closer together. This will only HELP your relationship stay strong when you are fighting the terrible twos......
It sucks when you want something SOOOO bad, but you have to wait. I know. We had a one year deployment that pushed off our TTC. But that one year ended up being the BEST thing to happen to us. It allowed us to do all of the things I mentioned above. And just by having that extra savings ALONE has made the stress of bringing a baby into this very unsure environment THAT MUCH EASIER on us.
Good luck
I'm 40 and DH and I are still toying with having a baby. I have friends who had healthy babies in their early 40's. The only reason we are waiting is to let the situation with SD stablilize. She's 18, and if you're read any of my posts, a handful. If she moves back here this year, I do not want to raise a child in a crazy, loud, chaotic household.
I thought I would make 40 the cut of age, but we just may try in 2009 when I am 41.
Honestly, I don't think 2 years is going to make a huge difference. And really, a child in college in your retirement years isn't any harder than any other time. You plan and invest for it, and honestly....kids can fairly easily put themselves thru school too. Parents aren't expected to pay for their college education anymore. I did it 20 years ago when my parents were dirt poor. Your child can do it too.
Ultimately it is your decision, but if I were you, and you both agree that you do want a baby together, consider a compromise. Why not try in a year instead of 2 or 3?
No, you are not being selfish! You get to decide when you want to have your baby . . . wether it happens or not is not always up to us now, is it? Things can happen. Accidents can happen!
My mom had 2 more kids after raising 4 of us. My youngest is the same age as my SD!! But, I would not want to risk having a baby so late in my life because of health issues . . . but, that's just my opinion and I'm not as healthy as my mom as sad as it sounds.
I just turned 29 and my DH did not want to have any children when we first got together. It was a deal breaker for me and told him that I did so we weren't really 'compatible.' It immediately changed to "maybe in a year," to now "let's have a baby!" So, I guess try to persuade him differently? Don't be so assertive and try the sweet route.
In recent years I've been reminded- very humbly- about the saying, "Life is what happens when you're busy making plans".
You cannot put a cut off on having a baby-- it's not fair to you, and it's not fair to your H. The fact is, you need to find a middle ground- and maybe that means waiting another year to TTC but planning to be pregnant during your SS's senior year of high school. 35... 36, 37, 38-- these are NOT 'old' ages to be having children... my H is about to turn 42 and we're TTC also-- we have one already, and I also have a SS who will be 12 by the time we have another baby. One of my closest friends had her first child at 36 and her second at 39 and she thinks she's a better mother for it... she makes more money now & has an established career, she's more patient... the list could go on and on to the benefits of having a child "late".
And when it comes to collehe, if the fact is that you care about your child's education then those other factors that feel huge right now will not matter as much, I promiuse you... I told my H that I didn't want him to be a dad again at nearly 40, but I am so happy he became one again then, and that he's going to be one again at 42. You'll cross that college bridge when you come to it, no sense in worrying now.
Try talking in the TTC OVer 35 board- they probably have the best advice. GL!