Who is right, DH or me? (a WFH scenario)

jlaOK · July 2014

I WFH PT. I get paid hourly which means that the more hours I work, the more I get paid. Because of this DH takes the kids to DC T-Th and I start work early. He has gotten into the habit of asking me for help in the mornings while I'm working. It is usually no big deal but this morning he asked me to change DD's diaper while he brought stuff to his car. I argued that he could just come back inside and change her but he didn't want to be behind those few minutes.

Ultimately my point was that when I'm working I should be unavailable just like he is when he is at work. He was making the point that I make time to do things like empty the dishwasher, put in a load of laundry, clean breakfast dishes while I'm at work and that helping him some in the mornings is the same as those other things.

We aren't fighting about it but it made me wonder. Who do you guys think is right?

kristennd · July 2014

If you're doing dishes and laundry, changing a diaper is no different.

jlaOK · July 2014

beaubecca said:

I'm confused - are your WFH hours required to be down to the minute? I work from home some days (in fact I am working at home today) and that means my mornings are more flexible. I let DH sleep in later than usual and take care of stuff around the house.
Also, I'll say that if I asked DH to change a diaper because I was juggling things and he said no I'm working I would be pissed. I'm sure you take breaks to eat and use the bathroom - a 2 minute diaper change won't kill you.

ETA even though teleworking is still working, it is often a privilege that people want because of the flexibility.

My hours aren't down to the minute. I guess I should clarify that the things I do around the house are done during little breaks throughout the day. My annoyance is that he is asking me to do those things when I first sit down at my desk and I'm trying to do my morning things like answering emails. I wouldn't normally take a break 10 minutes after sitting at my desk, even for a 2 minute job like changing a diaper.

TheBorg7of9 · July 2014

I understand your view. When my DH does work from home I bend over backwards not to bother him with the kids, but if I'm working he asks for help. I decided that I will never win the argument and just to help him for the sake of getting along. I make up for it in other ways by staying up later or getting up earlier to work when kids are asleep. I would just have a talk with him. Frame it like this -- how can I make your mornings easier without interrupting my work?

lifeinthedreamhouse · July 2014

This is exactly why I try not to work from home unless the kids will be at daycare and away the whole entire time. I think you're both right and it's a constant internal struggle for me. It ends up just making me more stressed so I try to go into the office.

Iblamethebeer · July 2014

beaubecca said:

jlaOK said:

beaubecca said:

I'm confused - are your WFH hours required to be down to the minute? I work from home some days (in fact I am working at home today) and that means my mornings are more flexible. I let DH sleep in later than usual and take care of stuff around the house.
Also, I'll say that if I asked DH to change a diaper because I was juggling things and he said no I'm working I would be pissed. I'm sure you take breaks to eat and use the bathroom - a 2 minute diaper change won't kill you.

ETA even though teleworking is still working, it is often a privilege that people want because of the flexibility.

My hours aren't down to the minute. I guess I should clarify that the things I do around the house are done during little breaks throughout the day. My annoyance is that he is asking me to do those things when I first sit down at my desk and I'm trying to do my morning things like answering emails. I wouldn't normally take a break 10 minutes after sitting at my desk, even for a 2 minute job like changing a diaper.

Understandable - maybe you can just plan to start your day officially once they leave? I have to do that - DH gets ready in the mornings while I take care of DS and then they both leave and I get myself ready and go to work. I had to push DH to start his day earlier than he normally would to make this possible, and days that we both have early commitments we have to work together to get everyone out the door on time. Just need to be flexible and compromise - you're bound to have some mornings that are more difficult than others.

But I thought the whole point was the OP's DH had agreed to do the morning routine 2 days per week *so that* she could start work earlier and get in more hours.

In which case, yes, this would annoy me. On those days can you get up and go somewhere different (coffee house, hide in basement, whatever) so that you are unavailable and can concentrate?

VOR · July 2014

Iblamethebeer said:

But I thought the whole point was the OP's DH had agreed to do the morning routine 2 days per week *so that* she could start work earlier and get in more hours.

I read it that he takes them to DC so that she can get started. Not that he does the entire morning routine by himself.

And even then if that is the expectation - maybe it's time to revisit this and talk about what would work better. For the fact that you, OP, said you just sat down and had been at your desk for 10 mins. maybe just wait until he leaves to officially get started.

dashofreality · July 2014

Generally, I would say that when you are WFH, that you are working and he should respect that, and I'm sure he is capable of handling morning routine.

But I am jaded by the fact that getting kids out the door in the morning SUCKS. I might have felt differently if you said he was leaving an hour after you started working, but if you are starting basically the same time he is leaving, I would probably try and give him a hand. It might not be right, but there are some days that I'm dragging the kids out that I would kill for a hand and would be a bit annoyed if DH wasn't on a call or something and wouldn't help me out.

That being said you did agree on certain days for him to handle it and I wouldn't fault you if you requested that he leave you alone then.

jlaOK · July 2014

Thanks for the wide variety of responses! I have to work on a desktop computer (I'm an engineer) so going to an alternate location isn't an option for me. We both help out in the morning but he's left with the last minute items and getting everyone out the door, which I know is a pain.

I think I might start getting up about 10 min earlier that way I can help him out a little bit more in the morning with the caveat that once I'm at my desk I'm no longer available.

Also, thanks for the perspective that a 2 minute diaper change every once in awhile isn't the end of the world.

emberlee3 · July 2014

Getting up 10 minutes earlier makes a huge difference in my morning. I allowed myself to hit snooze today, and everything was a mess.

SportyChic24 · July 2014

I would have done it, just because it only takes a couple of minutes. Although it would have annoyed me if I had just sat down to start working. I would let DH know that. Maybe on those days you could ask DH if there is anything he needs help with before you start work? Then just tell him that once you start you are not available.

SunAndRain · July 2014

There is a difference between me attending a meeting via the phone and therefore being unable to change a diaper and me technically working but stepping away from my desk for a few minutes.

But if you are feeling like DH isn't respecting your work then I can see how this could become an issue between you two.

bumpuser10331514 · July 2014

I'm on your side, but you sound like you're cherrypicking a bit. I would suggest doing absolutely no housework or related tasks while working (even if that means you watch TV on your break), or adding diaper changes (and general DH a.m. assistance) to your usual housework repertoire while you WFH. I don't think there's any meaningful way to parse out some housework from other housework without losing a little credibility or pissing anyone off or having a long, stupid conversation about how one thing is different from another thing.

(And if any of that sounds bitchy - which I didn't intend - I consider myself a well-seasoned expert in long, stupid conversations.)

*sparky* · July 2014

If he was constantly bugging you for help on the mornings you are supposed to start working early then that would be annoying. But if it is not a regular thing and you are not on a call or something then I would just help with the diaper.

Maybe 5 minutes or so before you sit down to work on those mornings ask if there is anything you can quickly do to help him get out of the house. Getting two kids out of the house in the morning can be a real cluster and things go sideways easily. But that way he is still handling the bulk of it, and he also knows you are willing to lend a hand if needed.

Maybride2 · July 2014

Like dashofreality, I'm jaded by the fact that I'm on my own every morning getting the kids to daycare and myself to work on time. Yeah, I can handle it - but there are mornings, like when I'm running behind and trying to get everyone out the door, that I would kill for an extra set of hands to help put shoes on or change a diaper or even get them into their car seats. It would be super hard not to resent my spouse if he was sitting on the computer witnessing me struggle while refusing to help because he was busy checking emails. I guess I don't understand how that 10 minutes in the morning would make or break your day WFH.

Want a personalized experience?

Who is right, DH or me? (a WFH scenario)

Re: Who is right, DH or me? (a WFH scenario)

Choose Another Board

Search Boards