Jealousy- how do you handle it? (vent)

sweetsunnyc · July 2014

I hate the feeling of being jealous, but usually it's impossible to control. As I have posted about several times, I am not happy in my job situation. I am looking at other positions and going to be bringing my concerns up at my review next month in hopes that things might change, but it would not be possible for me to just quit. I need to have an exit strategy and something else in place. Anyways, I was on the phone with my sister last night (she's a nurse) and she said "yeah, I decided that I don't like the work that I am doing anymore so I quit today. I'm just going to volunteer for awhile" Just like that. I love my sister and she is my best friend, but I was so jealous of her ability to do this that I just wanted to throw my phone at the wall. Her and my BIL are very well off financially, so she can just quit and not worry about working. I am happy for her, but it does just burn me up. I feel like so much of my time lately has been consumed with trying to figure out how I can get out of this job and do something else and not put our family in a tight financial situation. I truly makes me jealous that she has the luxury to just quit even though I want/try to be happy for other's successes. Ok- I feel better now that I said that, but I still feel jealous

How do you guys "get over it" when you're feeling jealous about another's situation? I would never want to come off as bitter even though it's how I feel.

welly01 · July 2014

Sometimes its hard not to be jealous when it seems like the grass is greener on the other side. But in a lot of situations, I've found that I'm jealous of a perceived situation when in reality, things aren't so "green". For example, DH's best friend's wife stays home and they have a beautiful house they just built, like how can they afford that?! Well, it turns out they can't afford insurance for themselves or their kids and the wife is constantly stressed out about the kids getting sick. After finding out a little more of their situation, I'm absolutely not jealous of her.

Another example, my sister always seems to have nicer things than me. She dresses nicer than me, her hair is always colored/whatever, etc. Her and BIL have a camper, their vehicles have all the bells and whistles, they went to like 10 concerts out of state last year. But the other day she confided in me that when they sat down to do their budget, they were $1,000-$1,500 in the hole every month. Whoa! Absolutely not jealous any more!

I'm sure you have something your sister doesn't have and even if you don't, you just have to swallow it and get over it. In addition to being unhappy about your own situation, envying someone else will only make it worse.

mlee116 · July 2014

I can relate. I'd be lying if I said I've never been jealous over my friend/family's situations. I have a friend who can SAH with her kids bc her H makes plenty of money. She's never worked and she just doesn't relate to having to juggle a career and a family and has plenty of time to do things I'd love to do. I have another friend who had a great job pre-baby and was able to go PT so she has the best of both worlds IMO.

I just try to remind myself that I don't know their entire situation and I can't judge my inside based on their outside if that makes any sense. I just have to make the best decisions for me and my family because at the end of the day, that's all I can do. I also try to focus on the positive and good things in my life. I heard a quote the other day that said something like "If you spend too much time looking at what others have, you'll lose sight of what you do have." I really have so much to be thankful for and I try to be actively thankful for those things every day.

itsmevkb · July 2014

I always remind myself that everyone has something. Lives that look perfect from the outside never really are once you're on the inside of them. As I tell my kids, "you worry about you." Jealousy is wasted energy that could be better spent on your job search or anything else that will make changes in your own life. Even with all that said, I get it, it's hard.

traveltheworld · July 2014

I get where you are coming from. I think as long as you don't let it overwhelm you, it's fine to be jealous from time to time. Jealousy could even motivate you to make certain changes to your life. It's a cliche, but I try to focus on the most important things - that everyone in my immediate family has good health, I have a job that I don't hate, and we are making good progress in reaching our ultimate goals.

bumpuser10331514 · July 2014

I treat it like someone is offering me the choice right here and now to give up my life and take theirs. I have never actually ended up wanting to give up what I had for an entire life of theirs that I really know nothing about. It always feels like I'd be giving up the things I know are great about my life in exchange for a grabbag full of who-the-hell-knows. And then sometimes there are things in their life that I *know* I wouldn't want, e.g., I *know* I would not want to be married to *that* guy.

*sparky* · July 2014

I had a friend who was so jealous and spent so much time and energy comparing herself to others that it really made me see how self defeating jealousy is. And how annoying.

We are not friends anymore and I always try to keep in mind that while there may be certain things in other people's lives that are or at least seem to be better, overall I am extremely happy with what I have and would not trade my life for anyone's.

sweetsunnyc · July 2014

I just wanted to say thank you for all of the thoughtful replies. I have been on this board for the past two years and I have always received such wonderful/honest/practical advice. i feel grateful that I have this online community to reach out to- thank you again for sharing your perspectives.

SunAndRain · July 2014

I am so thoroughly grateful for what I have, my health, and the people in my life that there is very little room for me to feel jealous. I do know that for about 1 year I was really struggling at work and this affected every other aspect of my life: frustrated with my husband, child, friends... Everyone else seemed so happy and at peace. Recently I decided to do something about it and it is amazing how my mindset did a complete 180. I haven't even accomplished my new goals, but the hopeful outlook on a promising future and the ability to focus my energy on something positive has been enough to bring me back to a state of life satisfaction.

So to answer your question, if I feel jealous it signals me to evaluate what it is in my own life that I feel is truly lacking, and then either accept it and focus on something else, or do something to improve it.

Mustardseed2007 · July 2014

I know what you mean. I live in a neighborhood that has a very large number of stay at home moms, it's also a neighborhood where lots of old homes are being torn down and very large ones are coming up...in fact the one right behind us is a newly constructed, million dollar home with a pool and the family recently moved in and is out there every day laughing and playing in their pool....

And we bought our old home to live in rather than tear down cause we can't afford that.

I just keep reminding myself why I have made my life choices, b/c I really do love my life. And I do make plans for little changes. Like, we're not tearing down our home but we may remodel in the next 5 years if we save enough, and in the mean time I can get new throw pillows for my couch, LOL.

I think it is important to do both things - consider how great your life is, how it is, and then also allow yourself to think about concrete ways you can change it if you want to change it. But you're changing it because you want to, not because you aspire to be like someone else who, as PP's mentioned, are probably miserable (or at least challenged) in their own way.

jtmomma13 · July 2014

I struggle a lot trying to find the balance between being a mom, working, being a wife and being myself. I sometimes get envious of others situations but I also really know the grass is always greener and things aren't always what they seem.

Yes, one of my friends gets to SAH but her H is never around, even on the weekends. I would love to stay home but not if that meant H would never be home.

We are struggling to finance a home right now, I am envious of my friends that have just bought homes in the past few months. But I know that they all had hard times and had to sacrifice some of their wants and their ideas of what their home would be like. And it made me realize that we had to adjust our expectations as well.

I think being jealous or envious is a completely normal thing and I think anyone who says that they have never had these feelings is lying. You can be envious and you can be jealous but instead of letting it put you down, let it inspire you and be grateful for all the wonderful things you do have!

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