Breadwinners come in

MrsHartman7 · July 2014

H and I have been married 7 years and he has always made more money than me (sometimes significantly), we've moved around to accommodate his career happiness and when he got to where he was happy, I was able to start building my own career. Finally this year I've broken through and for the past couple of months have out-earned H...and Im not handling it well. He never held it over my head that he made more, so I dont know why I feel the need to bring it up a lot...and I find myself being resentful of having the same household work load that as before. Is this just the novelty of the situation and it will wear off?? For those breadwinners out there, have you always made more than him, or how was the transition? Was it difficult? Were you an asshat like me??? If so how did you stop?

Kate_C · July 2014

Since starting work as a lawyer, I've always earned more than H. Until recently, significantly more. I still earn 5 digits more than him, but it isn't such a large % of income anymore.

We are a pretty even team on house work, laundry, child duties, etc. I don't hold it over his head because I don't see any reason to do so. We each chose our respective career paths and the reality is that mine has higher earning potential than his. Doesn't mean I'm more important in our household - just that he should have good life insurance on me.

I don't think division of housework should correspond to earnings. Honestly that seems silly to me. If one of you works more hours, that should certainly be a factor. But otherwise you just need to figure out a divide and conquer strategy.

JSS1002 · July 2014

I earn significantly more than dh and always have. Probably by about 25k. We regard it as our money. The only time we run into issues is when he wants to cheap out on stuff and I put my foot down and say "we buy nice things or we don't buy it." And he tried to argue that it's too expensive and I say "then we should save up until we can afford what we really want." I don't think i have ever once told him "no" if he has wanted something (vacations, tickets, etc), and I like it that way. I'm the one with expensive taste so more often than not he's telling ME no!

However we are looking at me taking a fairly significant pay cut just as we add kid #2 so we have a lot of talking to do about new money rules.

megandscott07 · July 2014

DH and I both work professional careers and he currently makes more than I do - about $17k more - but that will likely change as I continue to advance in my career, I anticipate us probably getting to a place where we both make around the same amount. If I made more I wouldn't hold it over his head, just as he doesn't hold it above mine. The amount of housework we do is really independent of how much each of us makes and more revolves around our work schedule and the duties that each of us are better at/enjoy more (DH likes yardwork, vacuuming, etc and I do the shopping, for example.)

JSS1002 · July 2014

I should also add that dh and I are equal partners in terms of childcare and housework. That's not to say we do all the exact same stuff, but it balances (ie, I do all food related stuff and he does all grass/yard/snow related stuff; we each do our own laundry and take turns doing kid laundry. We each get plenty of nights off of childcare to spend time with friends or whatever and then we do lots of family stuff together too). It would be this way regardless of who made more -- Exept that if one of us stayed home, cooking, cleaning and laundry would fall more on that person.

Rachel623 · July 2014

I make about twice as much as DH so I just pay for more. We split the bills down the middle and I pay for everything else like food, clothes, daycare, etc. It's never even a big issue because we tend to end up with similar amounts of disposable income. Sometimes he even has more because of how expensive all the extra stuff can get.

I do all the grocery shopping, cooking, laundry and about 80% of the dishes and cleaning. In exchange I refuse to do a single outside chore. We split LO fairly down the middle because I think it's important that we spend a lot of time as a family. The only time this doesn't work is when I'm really busy or stressed at work and I just tell him what he needs to do to help me that week.

I don't think the chores should be divided by how much money someone makes, but I do think that hours worked and stress level of those hours should make a difference.

tondraluv · July 2014

mrandmrsk91011 said:

Ive always made more than DH. I'm currently putting him through school. Its been tempting sometimes to hold it over him, especially when he is being an idiot or talks about wanting to buy things we cannot afford. But if I stop and count to five, I can usually calm down enough that constructive conversation can be had. It is very hard, but eventually it will just be how it is and you will both adjust to it.

THIS ALL THE WAY!!! I should note that it was just the brief situation when my huisband wasn't working.

kgs0505 · July 2014

@Kate_C - Everything she said.

I also make twice as much as DH. I don't have an issue with it, it doesn't bother me that I do the bulk of the housework. He helps out as much as he possibly can, which is awesome.

He has more of an issue about it than I do. He's quitting his job soon to go back to school, so it'll be just me. I feel nervous about it, but I know it'll be a great move for our family. And hopefully he'll match my income and feel better about himself.

My only irritation has been that his job takes precedence over mine a lot because his has less flexibility. I had a business trip last week and he had to basically move heaven and earth to get that day off so I could go. It's ridiculous.

Even though we will be a bit broke over the next few years, it'll be a major improvement to our life to have him in school and being around on weekends and holidays more often. I do not expect him to do more housework than me though, we'll still do what were doing. Although i suspect the house will be maintained better now than it had been, just for the simple fact one of us can handle kids while the other cleans or does yardwork, etc.

kgs0505 · July 2014

@Grace0609 - I mostly nervous about being the only income source. He's planning on working P/T, but it won't be much. He just can't do school while at his current job, even though all the classes are online. It's just too demanding. He's a retail store general manager. I'm am excited that he won't be such a grump at Christmas time though. He hasn't been happy in his job for a long time, so this should hopefully help his self-worth and level of happiness. He's pretty excited.

I hope your DH will feel good about reaching his goal too. It ishard working and going to school.

minerswife17 · July 2014

I'm a SAHM, so DH brings home the bacon, obviously. I was a housewife before DD was born, and never once, has he held being the breadwinner over my head. Even if it was the other way around, I would never hold it over his.

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