5 Reasons Modern Day Parenting is in Crisis

lizgrace03 · July 2014

Came across this article on my Facebook feed this morning. Interested to hear your reactions to it!

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/emma-jenner/modern-day-parenting-in-c_b_5552527.html

missnacholover · July 2014

I agree with a lot of this. I'm not a parent yet but I fully plan on following the mantra that a little fear is not a bad thing.

momtojad · July 2014

This is 100% true. Raising children how we were raised (which I feel is better) is a constant struggle in this current world.

kimberly_ann81 · July 2014

I agree with everything in this article. As a former teacher I'd attest to seeing first hand the results of these five mistakes. Unfortunately "we are raising (children that) will grow up to be entitled, selfish, impatient and rude adults" are now currently teenagers and I'm afraid they will get a very rude awaking in a few years when they get out of college and try to find a job.

Dumbgurl04 · July 2014

Totally agree with this!!!!!! Especially the fearing of our children. I know growing up my mom wasn't afraid to hurt my feelings and not let me do something or get something I wanted. She didn't care if I threw a tantrum or not she was my mom not my friend. I thank her for being my parent everyday and I will use her as my role model for my own daughter.

absolutelymaybe · July 2014

I'm a FTM, so no real experience. I know there are exceptions for everything so I try not to say "This is how I will raise my kids" but I agree with her wholeheartedly. I think it's great advice.

lizgrace03 · July 2014

It reminded me of the other night when DH and I were at Ben and Jerry's. A kid asked the person working behind the counter for a spoon for his ice cream and the kid's dad said, "Make sure to say thank you!" The kid refused to say thank you. The dad thanked the person behind the counter and they left. I was dumbfounded.

momtojad · July 2014

Sort of along the same page @lizgrace03. We were playing in a spray park this weekend and all the kids are having fun and one child hit into DS on accident and knocked him over. Her mother made such a big deal out of it that her child wouldn't say sorry. Her kid was maybe 2. I look at it as kids fall, DS will fall several more times. There is no need to apologize for having fun and being a kid.

HappyToBeHere · July 2014

I loved the article!

mander82 · July 2014

Amen Sister! lol...I just hope I can raise my child the way I envision it.

dr_pr · July 2014

momtojad said:
Sort of along the same page @lizgrace03. We were playing in a spray park this weekend and all the kids are having fun and one child hit into DS on accident and knocked him over. Her mother made such a big deal out of it that her child wouldn't say sorry. Her kid was maybe 2. I look at it as kids fall, DS will fall several more times. There is no need to apologize for having fun and being a kid.

On the other side of this are the 5 and 6 year olds who will knock over toddlers and then not so much as glance back. And if you try to correct them, they have no idea what they did wrong (because no one ever told them to apologize). I'd much rather get my child in the habit early of saying sorry than have her be a jerk about it when she's older! So I guess I sympathize with that other mother. Plus, you were cool about it, but a lot of other parents would have freaked out if your kid knocked down their little precious. So it's better to err on the side of caution sometimes rather than risk being yelled at by the other parent (which I fully realize was another point the article made).

MrsG1019 · July 2014

Wow. this article is awesome and so well written! I can't possibly agree with it more, thank you for sharing!

Dimples0101 · July 2014

dr_pr said:

Sort of along the same page @lizgrace03. We were playing in a spray park this weekend and all the kids are having fun and one child hit into DS on accident and knocked him over. Her mother made such a big deal out of it that her child wouldn't say sorry. Her kid was maybe 2. I look at it as kids fall, DS will fall several more times. There is no need to apologize for having fun and being a kid.

On the other side of this are the 5 and 6 year olds who will knock over toddlers and then not so much as glance back. And if you try to correct them, they have no idea what they did wrong (because no one ever told them to apologize). I'd much rather get my child in the habit early of saying sorry than have her be a jerk about it when she's older! So I guess I sympathize with that other mother. Plus, you were cool about it, but a lot of other parents would have freaked out if your kid knocked down their little precious. So it's better to err on the side of caution sometimes rather than risk being yelled at by the other parent (which I fully realize was another point the article made).

I agree @dr_pr. My mom thinks I'm nuts/over the top because I ask DD to apologize to anything she hits...me, the dog, her food, a book, etc. I mean she's only 20 months, but I want her to understand that she needs to be nice to people and objects. At some point she'll (hopefully) understand the concept and won't need to apologize to her toys.

Great article @lizgrace03. Thanks for sharing!

absolutelymaybe · July 2014

dr_pr said:

Sort of along the same page @lizgrace03. We were playing in a spray park this weekend and all the kids are having fun and one child hit into DS on accident and knocked him over. Her mother made such a big deal out of it that her child wouldn't say sorry. Her kid was maybe 2. I look at it as kids fall, DS will fall several more times. There is no need to apologize for having fun and being a kid.

On the other side of this are the 5 and 6 year olds who will knock over toddlers and then not so much as glance back. And if you try to correct them, they have no idea what they did wrong (because no one ever told them to apologize). I'd much rather get my child in the habit early of saying sorry than have her be a jerk about it when she's older! So I guess I sympathize with that other mother. Plus, you were cool about it, but a lot of other parents would have freaked out if your kid knocked down their little precious. So it's better to err on the side of caution sometimes rather than risk being yelled at by the other parent (which I fully realize was another point the article made).

I have a story to add to this.

I was at the grocery check out this weekend and had a mom behind me with two boys (i'd say they were 7 and 12 -- and the 12 year old was pretty big). I really try not to judge parents because I don't know what their lives are like and I know everyone has a different parenting style, but I couldn't help notice that the younger boy kept putting impulse buy candy in the card, the mom would take it out and set it somewhere random (yet say nothing to the kid) and he would get all pissed off and do it again. So, yeah, my "WTF?" senses were heightened.

Then, both boys decided they had enough of being in line and decided to push past me, bumping into me (you know me, the nice pregnant lady who is really trying not to judge you) and they didn't even look back. So, I started rationalizing, "Well, boys that age may not know how rough they are being..." but then I'm like, "You know what? Screw that. Boys will be boys is so not an excuse for lack of manners." I glanced back at the mom and she didn't say anything. I would like to think I'd at least have tried to apologize to the person in line and then talked to the boys later.

absolutelymaybe · July 2014

@WildFlower810 - No, I didn't even know what to say. I figured if she didn't care enough to say anything to her kids or to me first, saying anything wouldn't really make a difference.

momtojad · July 2014

dr_pr said:

Sort of along the same page @lizgrace03. We were playing in a spray park this weekend and all the kids are having fun and one child hit into DS on accident and knocked him over. Her mother made such a big deal out of it that her child wouldn't say sorry. Her kid was maybe 2. I look at it as kids fall, DS will fall several more times. There is no need to apologize for having fun and being a kid.

On the other side of this are the 5 and 6 year olds who will knock over toddlers and then not so much as glance back. And if you try to correct them, they have no idea what they did wrong (because no one ever told them to apologize). I'd much rather get my child in the habit early of saying sorry than have her be a jerk about it when she's older! So I guess I sympathize with that other mother. Plus, you were cool about it, but a lot of other parents would have freaked out if your kid knocked down their little precious. So it's better to err on the side of caution sometimes rather than risk being yelled at by the other parent (which I fully realize was another point the article made).

I guess why it bothers me is that the reason why she was so adament was because probably thought I cared that he accidentally got pushed over and people should recognize that little kids aren't porcelain dolls and we don't' have to treat them as such. I also cringe greatly at playdates when everyone is trying to get their 1 year olds to "share". My kid doesn't need the toy that your kid has because he is crying about it. He will get over it. Your child has no reason to have to give up that toy just because someone else wants it. But still the parents remove the toy and hand it to who ever is wailing and say "Sara we need to share"

dr_pr · July 2014

momtojad said:

dr_pr said:

I guess why it bothers me is that the reason why she was so adament was because probably thought I cared that he accidentally got pushed over and people should recognize that little kids aren't porcelain dolls and we don't' have to treat them as such. I also cringe greatly at playdates when everyone is trying to get their 1 year olds to "share". My kid doesn't need the toy that your kid has because he is crying about it. He will get over it. Your child has no reason to have to give up that toy just because someone else wants it. But still the parents remove the toy and hand it to who ever is wailing and say "Sara we need to share"

I do see what you're saying here, and I agree with you. It's just sad that a lot of people DO think their kids are porcelain dolls, and would freak out if another kid knocks them over, even on accident. Those parents need to get a life and stop worrying so much--my DD hits her head on things all the time, and comes away laughing. We don't make a big deal unless she does (and she only does when there's blood or it was really hard). Until society chills out about kids again, I'm going to keep making my kid apologize for things!

And the 1 year olds sharing is ridiculous. They are way too young for that. Redirection!

dbgwife · July 2014

I saw this article a few days ago and loved it to pieces. Apparently because I tell my children no, follow through with repercussions, and do not cave to everything they want I've been called a "strict mom". However what annoys the heck out of me is when I have friends (and I have two in particular that I'm thinking about as I write this) complain to me about their child's attitudes, tell me how well behaved my girls are, how easy we must have it, and then balk when I let them know our methods. Mind you it isn't anything archaic or close to terrible, but we really don't coddle our girls! My eldest who is six has already told me I'm the meanest mommy ever, and my youngest has said something similar. But those two little girls each have come up to me snuggled me and told me how "I really am the best mommy!". We cannot be afraid to tell our children no, set limits, or show them the reality that there are repercussions for their actions/behavior.

As you can tell I have some very strong issues on the matter! Ha!

meeshybee · July 2014

Our situation is probably a little more complex than average with DS having ASD, but he knows just as well as the girls what kind of behavior is acceptable and what is not. And, more importantly, that there are consequences for inappropriate behavior.

I make my kids say sorry for accidents, like bumping into someone. Usually they do it as soon as I tell them, if not on their own. If the other mom blows it off I won't push the issue, but I want them to be in the habit. It's just good manners.

It drives me nuts that parents let their kids get away with so much crap because they're either too lazy or too scared to discipline them. I have spanked my children *gasp* in public on occasion. I really don't care if other people approve or not. I never judge parents for disciplining in public; do whatever works for you. But if you are not even trying to correct your child...

castle reaction richard castle gif | WiffleGif

meeshybee · July 2014

absolutelymaybe said:

@WildFlower810 - No, I didn't even know what to say. I figured if she didn't care enough to say anything to her kids or to me first, saying anything wouldn't really make a difference.

I am not above shaming a parent into doing their job. If I can handle DS's ASD, you can handle your (presumably) "normal" kid.

mtusnow · July 2014

kimberly_ann81 said:

I agree with everything in this article. As a former teacher I'd attest to seeing first hand the results of these five mistakes. Unfortunately "we are raising (children that) will grow up to be entitled, selfish, impatient and rude adults" are now currently teenagers and I'm afraid they will get a very rude awaking in a few years when they get out of college and try to find a job.

I think this is happening already. Just talked with a college grad who just realized recently that Math is useful in real life. I'm pretty sure that I figured this out before I hit double digits. Also he got a degree in English, doesn't want to teach and doesn't know what to do with his degree now. Ummm, college is kind of expensive to come out with a degree you don't use. Oh, so he's concentrating on his band now. Something tells me he'll be depending on mom and dad for a while until he realizes what this whole adult thing is really all about.

Maelara · July 2014

mtusnow said:

kimberly_ann81 said:

I agree with everything in this article. As a former teacher I'd attest to seeing first hand the results of these five mistakes. Unfortunately "we are raising (children that) will grow up to be entitled, selfish, impatient and rude adults" are now currently teenagers and I'm afraid they will get a very rude awaking in a few years when they get out of college and try to find a job.

I think this is happening already. Just talked with a college grad who just realized recently that Math is useful in real life. I'm pretty sure that I figured this out before I hit double digits. Also he got a degree in English, doesn't want to teach and doesn't know what to do with his degree now. Ummm, college is kind of expensive to come out with a degree you don't use. Oh, so he's concentrating on his band now. Something tells me he'll be depending on mom and dad for a while until he realizes what this whole adult thing is really all about.

I've always thought the more difficult math is useless. Even while still trying to learn it. I stand behind that and am in no way entitled. My job choices had me using elementary math but not that graphing crap I had to do in high school. I am exceptionally good at the easy stuff though

Maelara · July 2014

On the article, I like it. I have a pretty thick skin after working in retail and then as a receptionist but I know it's going to have to get thicker as I plan to let my kids have tantrums in public. I said no to the candy bar, so they aren't getting it.

lizgrace03 · July 2014

She makes some interesting points, but I feel like she missed the point of the original article- kids do need some structure. I have seen a lot of instances where the kid is the boss of the household, which in my opinion is inappropriate. Just bc you have rules and expectations doesn't mean you don't like kids... I like one of the commenters' remarks that it's more nuanced than a simple article headline allows for.

aa98 · July 2014

I really like this article and agree with most of these points. As a matter of fact, I was at the mall yesterday and was pushed/shoved on two separate occasions by little boys between ages 5-8 and neither the child nor the parent said sorry or excuse me. Then again, there are plenty of adults who don't say please and thank you either so how can I expect their kids to be any different? I think those words need to be put on an endangered list.

I thank my lucky stars and my mom that I was raised with manners early on, so much so that I don't remember ever being told to say please or thank you though I know she must have drilled it into me after seeing her babysit my 2 year old nephew. I hope I'm half the mom she was.

lizgrace03 · July 2014

lissydee said:

I don't necessarily think that a tantruming toddler or misbehaving kid automatically means that the parents don't have any rules for them or a structured household. The will still push the limits, they will still misbehave...and yes, often at the most inopportune times. Its not always (I would even venture to say its rare) a reflection that its a result of poor parenting. And I think that is the point that the second article's author is trying to make.

Its easy to judge from the outside. Glass houses and stones and all of that.

I completely agree with the fact that kids have occasional tantrums. I'm just thinking specifically of kids who do really out-of-line things with no correction from parents. For example, my BIL's sister's kids. They regularly tell their Grandma to shut up, called my BIL an asshole, jumped in the deep end of the pool when being told not to because they can't swim etc. And the parents just sit there. I think some of my input on this comes from my experience as a teacher. The first year, I had behavior problems nonstop. I blamed the kids, but later realized it was my fault for not setting up my expectations. The second year, I put my expectations out there, and my behavior problems, while not disappearing completely, were reduced substantially. Parents are not always to blame for kids that misbehave, far from it, and I definitely see the point of the second author. On the other hand, I think the first author also makes good points.

MrsLillyG · July 2014

“Our youth now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for their elders and love chatter in place of exercise; they no longer rise when elders enter the room; they contradict their parents, chatter before company; gobble up their food and tyrannize their teachers.” -Socrates (sometime before 399BC) I always think of this when someone writes about "kids these days".

meeshybee · July 2014

I think the 2nd author completely missed the point of the 1st article. I understand what she's trying to say, but yeah... completely missed the point.

PineApple85 · July 2014

I agree that everything should come in moderation so I don't think the ideal parenting approach is black and white where you set ultimate, strict rules for your child and never bend. Yeah, it's no big deal to let him pick a sippy cup ... before you've fixed the drink. But if the rule is to change cups at the whim of the child after the drink has been fixed? That's a problem. And I think that's what the author of the rebuttal missed the point. Parents in our society/culture/whatever as a whole are too lenient in my opinion. I don't think parenting as a whole suffers from an epidemic of over-strictness. Which, again in my opinion, makes the rebuttal kind of silly. Lol! I hope that makes sense. I suck at words. ETA: I totally used paragraphs. Don't know what happened.

PineApple85 · July 2014

lissydee said:

kakicloud said:

here is a good counter argument to this article

https://jezebel.com/letting-a-child-pick-her-sippy-cup-color-will-not-destr-1604899355?utm_campaign=socialflow_jezebel_facebook&utm_source=jezebel_facebook&utm_medium=socialflow
While I agree with the original article, I'm glad to see some argument against the sippy cup example. The original article bummed me out a bit yesterday because frankly I do let my son dictate the color of his cup/spoon/whatever. There are so many times throughout the day I have to put my foot down, I just don't feel like fighting about small things that I don't think matter in the big picture. I hope that doesn't make me a bad mom.

seriously, some battles are just not worth fighting. And I think its perfectly okay with letting your toddler or child exercise their own sense of control in situations such as these. (wtf happened to the tool bar btw?) I'd rather let them "win" this battle if it saves us from an epic meltdown. I mean, its *just* a cup and I certainly don't feel manipulated by them. We all have our preferences, adults and tiny humans alike, and its okay for them to express that every now and again. Anyway, I'll sit on the bad mom side of the table with you @kakicloud.

I certainly don't think picking your battles makes anyone a bad parent. I simply feel that if the rule is to *always* give in to the whims *even when it's inconvenient to the parent* sets a bad precedent. I absolutely let DS1 pick which cup he wants or what outfit he wants to wear to start with. But if the drink is fixed and he changes his mind it's too late - as a rule. If he's sick or having a bad day I make allowances, just like I do for anyone else, adult and child alike. Basically, I am trying to acclimate him to the expectations that I hold anyone else to - within reason.

lizgrace03 · July 2014

lissydee said:

but who decides when its "inconvenient" for the parent? Shouldnt that be something *they* decide and not some outsider looking in who likely knows next to nothing about how these people actually parent their children?

seriously, what happened to the tool bar? I'd like to italicize and bold things!

I don't know about the tool bar, but it's really frustrating! Also, did the text box shrink? I can see the argument for letting the kid pick the sippy cup before the drink is poured. Allows them to have a choice in the matter, and not a big deal. I think the first author was saying it's more of a big deal if the kid demands the drink be poured into another cup unless there is a good reason.

Dimples0101 · July 2014

lizgrace03 said:

lissydee said:

but who decides when its "inconvenient" for the parent? Shouldnt that be something *they* decide and not some outsider looking in who likely knows next to nothing about how these people actually parent their children?

seriously, what happened to the tool bar? I'd like to italicize and bold things!

I don't know about the tool bar, but it's really frustrating! Also, did the text box shrink? I can see the argument for letting the kid pick the sippy cup before the drink is poured. Allows them to have a choice in the matter, and not a big deal. I think the first author was saying it's more of a big deal if the kid demands the drink be poured into another cup unless there is a good reason.

I agree. I let DD pick out her bib each night. If I changed it every time she wanted a different one, we would never eat dinner. I agree with letting kiddos have a choice, but I'm not going to switch sippy cups every time DD has a change of heart. I think that was the point the first author was trying to make. If I DD picks a green sippy cup and once I hand it to her, she wants the pink one, I will let her throw her tantrum if she needs to. I'm not switching it.

PineApple85 · July 2014

lissydee said:

but who decides when its "inconvenient" for the parent? Shouldnt that be something *they* decide and not some outsider looking in who likely knows next to nothing about how these people actually parent their children?

seriously, what happened to the tool bar? I'd like to italicize and bold things!

I agree about the toolbar. Very aggravating. Absolutely the parent should determine what is good or bad for their own child. Just because I have an opinion on any given topic doesn't mean that I go around and judge anyone else that does it differently. Do I think that always giving in to the child who changed his mind on a flight of fancy is a bad habit to get into? Yes, but I don't assume that any one I see doing this is "doing it wrong". I have no idea what they do on a regular basis and I certainly know nothing about the parent, that child or how their day is going.

phdprocrastinator · July 2014

MrsLillyG said:

“Our youth now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for their elders and love chatter in place of exercise; they no longer rise when elders enter the room; they contradict their parents, chatter before company; gobble up their food and tyrannize their teachers.” -Socrates (sometime before 399BC) I always think of this when someone writes about "kids these days".

Thank you for this

I was trying to think about how to say the same thing. I also want to figure out how to put into words the fact that every parent I know agrees with this nanny, but apparently "other parent" are terrible. DD had her worst tantrum ever on an airplane heading to Mexico. She was demanding to "open the door!" as we explained to her that we were in the air, showed her the clouds out the window, and attempted to redirect her attention to the fun toys we had brought with us. Throughout I wondered how many people were judging us for having the tantruming child who apparently knows no limits. I wanted to stand up to announce that - seriously - this never happens!

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