Dodging the Question.

Justone13 · July 2014

You ladies know what stupid question it is. "Are you going to have children" "when are you going to start trying". While I recognize that this is meant in a nice way and that the people who ask are probl just trying to be friendly I find it annoying. I hate saying "oh we'll see" or "oh idk". So as I'm getting ready to go to a wedding for someone I don't know (one of dh's employees) all I can think about is 1. There better be alcohol
2. If there isn't I'm going to the liquor store
3. I hate sitting with the wives I don't know or have anything in common with
4. Any snarky comments I can say when asked that stupid Q

So I've come up with a few:
1. Why would I want to give up this figure for a baby. Blah!!
2. I don't do mornings
3. I like not cleaning up someone else's poop
4. Id have to give up wine for how many months?

So what else can I add to this list ladies??

jbasore1123 · July 2014

It's always been a safer bet when I simply say "Hopefully soon". The questions usually end there. If I make excuses for why we're not trying, it tends to get followed up with more questions or comments.

gsancho · July 2014

I'd say to have two sets of response options - snarky or simple - and respond based on your audience. If they seem to be moms, more traditional, or you can't tell...I'd go with the simple non-snarky answer, b/c I agree that they could follow up with more comments or questions. But if they have a sarcastic sense of humor or seem to be big ol' lushes, I've thrown in the whole "I like wine too much right now" line. I then usually chug the rest of my drink and run to the bar to get away. And to get more wine, of course.

pblge · July 2014

I've gotten snotty about this, as I think these questions are very rude. Is there a single possible answer to this question that is anyone else's business?!?! I usually say something like, "Ugh I hate that question. I used to ask people that, too, before I got married and started getting that question 100s of times a day." Then I try to find something conciliatory to discuss.

I know an IVF woman who swore she started asking people in response when they were planning to die.

scooteriste · July 2014

It depends a lot of your personality but my most successful response for any audience has been to say wistfully "we'd like to". If they start offering advice, I just gently interrupt and say "Thank you. I assure you, we're trying all we can" and pointedly change the subject.

przemosbabe · July 2014

I feel like there is no reason to be rude to people over this question. This is a normal question that people ask because, well having children is a big part of life and generally its not so hard for people to get pregnant. Maybe you wouldnt mind this question if you werent experiencing infertility, becsuse you would have nothing to feel upset or hurt about. Being snarky about fertilty related things to those that are fortunate enough to be clueless about it, because we are experiencing infertility isn't going to help anything. It would actually make me feel worse about it. So I would just smile and say " It's the plan someday " or something like that. That's just me though. Everyone is different though and if you do find the question absolutely rude regardless of infertility or not, you can find a non offensive way to tell them its not really any of their business. If you seem too sensitive about, they will probably guess you're having trouble. I know I would.

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gsancho · July 2014

przemosbabe said:

I feel like there is no reason to be rude to people over this question. This is a normal question that people ask because, well having children is a big part of life and generally its not so hard for people to get pregnant. Maybe you wouldnt mind this question if you werent experiencing infertility, becsuse you would have nothing to feel upset or hurt about. Being snarky about fertilty related things to those that are fortunate enough to be clueless about it, because we are experiencing infertility isn't going to help anything. It would actually make me feel worse about it. So I would just smile and say " It's the plan someday " or something like that. That's just me though. Everyone is different though and if you do find the question absolutely rude regardless of infertility or not, you can find a non offensive way to tell them its not really any of their business. If you seem too sensitive about, they will probably guess you're having trouble. I know I would.

Yeah, I think that's why it would maybe depend on your audience and why I'd try to gauge how they may respond before getting snarky. Some people may not understand the sarcastic response, and then it just makes the situation more awkward. But other people would be fine with it.

But the reason we sometimes have to add the snark is because if we don't laugh at the situation (feeling uncomfortable with the constant questions), we'll cry. Not everyone needs the laugh therapy, but some of us do.

ronniesgirl1981 · July 2014

I am a master of redirecting the conversation! So far, no one has called me out on it. So if someone says, "when are you guys planning on having a baby?" I'll say, "hey, did you hear that Sarah is pregnant?" And then we start talking about Sarah. One of the most painful conversations I've had since starting this crap was getting called out for not drinking during the 2ww our last IVF while seated next to two women talking about breastfeeding at a rehearsal dinner. All I could muster was a shoulder shrug then. Good luck! Hope no one asks. What idiot would ask the boss' wife?

pblge · July 2014

Now that I'm back on my laptop, I thought you might enjoy this great blog post I found some time ago about this dreaded question. It's from the perspective of someone who's child free by choice, but it also talks about infertility. Her point is that it shouldn't be okay for people who barely know you to ask about your reproductive plans, as it's such a personal and often painful question for so many couples/women. She has some strong opinions on the topic, but she also has an interesting response for those who ask the question.

Just thought I'd share it.

https://thoughtcatalog.com/jamie-berube/2014/02/you-shouldnt-need-a-reason-for-not-having-kids/

tptbabe · July 2014

If I really don't feel like getting into it (usually I'm an open book, but sometimes I just want people to shut up) I just go with "maybe someday". Leaves it open that you could have kids at some point, but it might not be right away?

Mozzarella13 · July 2014

For an un-snarky response if you're faithful/religious: "When God decides to bless us with them." This works great with well meaning elderly relatives and such...

mm29 · July 2014

I typically say "we’re not able," most people will not ask more questions. Others tell me about their third cousin once removed, SILs neighbor who adopted and then got pregnant. I just say, that will never be us.

I have been thinking about saying I have a dog and a cat, they are my babies.

poohniki · July 2014

I am kinda rude about it when asked.. I sometimes say I don't like children if anyone from work asks me-- I'm a teacher, so I let them try and figure that out.

Often I say that I am waiting to finish graduate school... I've tried to be more open about it.. I am out about my infertility, but it just a defense mechanism.. I can't be that vulnerable around people.

When my students ask me I tell them I have dogs and it's like the same thing. I'm not sure there are ever good answers.

Justone13 · July 2014

Well ladies I made it through the night without being asked... Almost. One of the guys who my husband is friends with also went through ivf with his wife 10 years ago. They asked but it was different... More along the lines of how are you.. We know how hard it is...type of thing. That actually made me feel better. Well that and the open bar

I guess we all deal with it differently. I'm open at work about what I'm going through (it's kinda hard not to be) it's obvious something is up and with my friends I am too. It's just when it's with strangers or people I barely know I tend to become defensive. Oh well. Now to nurse this hangover

jencity9 · July 2014

If it's someone that I don't care about going into detail with I just say "yes, eventually". In the past I'd say "oh I don't know... We'll see.. We have time". With some of my clients who ask (I do therapy with people and very often address parenting issues because they are court ordered for issues related to child abuse/neglect) I have said I didn't even know if that's what I wanted... That parenting is very hard work.. And that has led to some good conversations.

But now other than saying "eventually" to some people I'm pretty open about and will say "we tried for many years and are now going through IVF".

Rocky7611 · July 2014

That's great that you made it through the night!!!! Wedding Bars help... A lot!!!! I guess I'm reading this late but I wanted to share one that I used on my sister-in-law that was really funny . When she asked "what is taking you guys so long" I said..."Well, it's not for lack of trying" and I winked at her and gave her a gun shot... She has never asked again I think the mental image of her brother and I was enough for her to stop asking us. Some other ones I have used are "between my cats, my dog, and my husband I have enough babies to take care of"... Or "Well, we wanted to go on a couple more trips before we start planning our no trip life"... These last two are lies, of course, and everytime someone asks me it feels like a pin prick in my heart, but they have no idea what is truly happening. Good luck with future questions!!!!

Justone13 · July 2014

@Rocky7611‌ omg that's awesome! I am so using the "no lack of trying" one next time!!

jszy10 · July 2014

I always responded "Whenever the good lord allows" when people at work asked. No one ever kept probing or talking after that, so I assumed it was a valid response.

leelee79 · July 2014

I find this question so rude and I have felt that way long before ttc and it being a sensitive issue for me. usually i find saying something snarky like "oh, you'll be the first to know" shuts people up really quickly because it's obviously none of their business!

AMShark · July 2014

@Justone13 - I'm so glad to hear that you got through the night unscathed.

I dread this question so much. It's not that I get angry with the person who asks, because it usually feels innocent enough. So many people seem to use it as a generic conversation starter for someone they don't really know.

... but I just can't handle it. I never seem to get through any response to this question without betraying all of the emotional turmoil that's it stirs up inside of me. I'm too much of a basket case to even attempt a snarky response. I still haven't figured out how to give the "bait & switch", quick answer then change the subject responses that are suggested above without getting glassy eyed.

Maybe I should practice it at home with my cats (because, I haven't done enough to solidify my place as a crazy cat lady).

Justone13 · July 2014

@amshark ... I know .. and as much as I would love to be able to say these things they never come out... well most of the time they don't come out

. I think you have pretty much convinced me that you are a crazy cat lady but its okay I still adore ya!!! lol I talk to my dogs... they sometimes answer with a bark... do your cats meow back at you? lol

CML11 · July 2014

We usually give the "hopefully soon" or "we are working on it" but it's still so weird to me that it's basically someone asking about our sex life.
Typically we aren't followed up with more questions, at times we get the phase that makes me want to go crazy on them "you need to just stop thinking about it so much and that's when it happens". I want to go postal on them, instead I just smile and excuse myself so I don't strangle them.

AMShark · July 2014

Justone13 said:

@amshark ...
.... lol I talk to my dogs... they sometimes answer with a bark... do your cats meow back at you? lol

One of my cats does meow back at me. Nitzer, the three legged, sweet faced wonder. (She really is the sweetest kitty in the world).
I hope that when I have kids, whatever way I finally end up getting them, and I WILL get them, I will still get to be a crazy cat lady.

pblge · July 2014

AMShark @AMShard said:

@Justone13 - I'm so glad to hear that you got through the night unscathed.

I dread this question so much. It's not that I get angry with the person who asks, because it usually feels innocent enough. So many people seem to use it as a generic conversation starter for someone they don't really know.

... but I just can't handle it. I never seem to get through any response to this question without betraying all of the emotional turmoil that's it stirs up inside of me. I'm too much of a basket case to even attempt a snarky response. I still haven't figured out how to give the "bait & switch", quick answer then change the subject responses that are suggested above without getting glassy eyed.

Me too. This is why I allow myself to tell the asker that I can't stand the question. It's an honest response, which is good because I'm a really bad liar, but I refuse to address the content. It also usually shuts them up. I can usually come up with something else to say, but there have been awkward times that I failed.

Glad you made it through, @JustOne13!

Justone13 · July 2014

@AMShark‌ oh it will happen. And then you will teach them to be crazy cat people too!! Awe you are a special needs pet mommy too!! I've never had a normal pet. My last pup Killian (yes named after the beer) was my platinum dog after all the $$ I spent on him at the vets! Didn't matter though because that was my boy!! Now I have a very special pit bull with allergies and separation anxiety. Lol. They find me I swear! @pblge I wish I could just straight tell people it's rude!!! I need a PSA!!

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Dodging the Question.

Re: Dodging the Question.

Me 33, DH 37 -- TTC since Jan'12 -- Low AMH (0.78) & endo, SA w/ low motility
IUI's 1-3 = BFN, IVF converted to IUI 4/13 = BFN
IVF 1.2: 8R 6M 4F -- 2 blastocysts frozen, FET 8/15 = BFP!!
Beta #s = 445;1,098; 9,545 -- EDD 5/2 -- Team Pink!

Me 33, DH 37 -- TTC since Jan'12 -- Low AMH (0.78) & endo, SA w/ low motility
IUI's 1-3 = BFN, IVF converted to IUI 4/13 = BFN
IVF 1.2: 8R 6M 4F -- 2 blastocysts frozen, FET 8/15 = BFP!!
Beta #s = 445;1,098; 9,545 -- EDD 5/2 -- Team Pink!

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Want a personalized experience?

Dodging the Question.

Re: Dodging the Question.

Me 33, DH 37 -- TTC since Jan'12 -- Low AMH (0.78) & endo, SA w/ low motilityIUI's 1-3 = BFN, IVF converted to IUI 4/13 = BFNIVF 1.2: 8R 6M 4F -- 2 blastocysts frozen, FET 8/15 = BFP!!Beta #s = 445;1,098; 9,545 -- EDD 5/2 -- Team Pink!

Me 33, DH 37 -- TTC since Jan'12 -- Low AMH (0.78) & endo, SA w/ low motilityIUI's 1-3 = BFN, IVF converted to IUI 4/13 = BFNIVF 1.2: 8R 6M 4F -- 2 blastocysts frozen, FET 8/15 = BFP!!Beta #s = 445;1,098; 9,545 -- EDD 5/2 -- Team Pink!

Choose Another Board

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Me 33, DH 37 -- TTC since Jan'12 -- Low AMH (0.78) & endo, SA w/ low motility
IUI's 1-3 = BFN, IVF converted to IUI 4/13 = BFN
IVF 1.2: 8R 6M 4F -- 2 blastocysts frozen, FET 8/15 = BFP!!
Beta #s = 445;1,098; 9,545 -- EDD 5/2 -- Team Pink!

Me 33, DH 37 -- TTC since Jan'12 -- Low AMH (0.78) & endo, SA w/ low motility
IUI's 1-3 = BFN, IVF converted to IUI 4/13 = BFN
IVF 1.2: 8R 6M 4F -- 2 blastocysts frozen, FET 8/15 = BFP!!
Beta #s = 445;1,098; 9,545 -- EDD 5/2 -- Team Pink!