Words of wisdom needed (pregnancy and children mentioned not mine)

WishUponAChild · July 2014

Sorry it is so long.

My SIL came out that she was pregnant (apparently she was 16 weeks along) to the family on the weekend of our wedding. In the past (and what seems to be now, and for always) we have had to overcome a mountain of negativity and persevere through just mind numbing drama. These actions have been so hurtful and manipulative that we were forced to delay our wedding.

DH had children in a previous relationship and at the time it seemed best that the BM (bio-mother) allow my MIL & FIL to adopt the children. In our state unmarried men have no claim to their children. During our courtship the children grew attached to me and this infuriated the bio-grandmother (she has raised the children to call her mom, although they are aware this is not biologically correct.) At some point we weren’t allowed to have much of a relationship with the children. We were told the children didn’t want to see us anymore, the children were told we were too busy to see them. There were many variations of these lies told by FIL. It has been nearly two years since we have been able to have the kids over for a weekend…

DH has done everything he possibly can to try to protect our family from their influence (establishing boundaries and counselling), but it seems to be an uphill battle for us. The best we can do is limiting our contact with them. Luckily, we were forced to change our work schedule. At first we were terrified what it would me for us, but now it is a great excuse to keep away from them. We work the nocturnal sift now. . On Thursday the family attended a huge gender reveal dinner/party that we were unable to attend due to our new work schedule.

DH was talking to his DS and they were texting back and forth throughout the day DH asked DS what the baby was and we were told that DS was told not to tell us. That if we want to know to talk to SIL.

Ok, so it stung but again wasn’t that big of a deal compared to the other crap that these people have pulled. I can see where if I was lucky enough to get knocked up that I would want to tell people myself ect ect… but I wouldn’t ban family from talking if everyone knew but the two people that couldn’t come. I would have called if I felt it had to come from me and share the news personally, but instead it is expected for us to call. Anyone in our shoes (two people who want to have a family too, but everyone talks about our “infertility” like it’s their business, and that I shouldn’t be sad because I knew that when I married him) would just say screw it and find out what the sex is when we see them at the next family gathering after the kid is born! Or call (which just feels like we are being played with)

So… damned if we do, damned if we don’t. We decided as a couple that DH would call her to ask so we advert as much drama as possible. He called, left a message, and then even texted. No response. No return call, apparently we are just horrible horrible people.

What kinds of people use their pregnancy to hurt other people who can’t get pregnant? Or am I just being too sensitive? And to top it all off AF is visiting.

BunnyBerry · July 2014

I'm sorry for the complicated and painful relationships with YH's family. I'm glad your new work shift has made it easier to deal with.

I don't have any good advice, except to remind yourself that any rude and selfish behaviors they engage in are not any statement on your worth...but of course it still always hurts.

WishUponAChild · July 2014

BunnyBerry said:

I'm sorry for the complicated and painful relationships with YH's family. I'm glad your new work shift has made it easier to deal with.

I don't have any good advice, except to remind yourself that any rude and selfish behaviors they engage in are not any statement on your worth...but of course it still always hurts.

DH keep trying to remind me of this. I have never in my life had such issues with people. If it wasn't for his children we would have written them off completely by now.

I am desperately afraid that I am going to be one of those hurt people hurt people people....

nswain85 · July 2014

Oh my... I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this right now

People who feel badly about themselves tend to treat other people badly. Try and keep your head up and know that you are a good person

WishUponAChild · July 2014

We don't talk like we might get pregnant, we talk like we will get pregnant... I don't know if we are fooling ourselves or just being hopeful. But while we were having breakfast we were talking about ideas on how we would share our news. DH said he was slightly nervous that FIL is going to stand up and claim I cheated and then forever say the children aren't apart of the family because they can't be his... The level of crazy runs deep in these people.

@rumbera28 I hope you hubby comes around about adoption, a dream is a dream. Insensitivity about adoption is so sad and I hope his family gets their act together.

I keep trying to remember this... You spend 80% of your time in your home, not the extended families home. If we can somehow remember that we don't have to bring in their garbage into our home we would live 80% happier.

WishUponAChild · July 2014

@iputketchuponketchup Thank you for the advice. The kids are allowed to call him dad, but as it was stated I "has no place in the children's lives even if you get married." DH went to every boy scout meeting, and every soccer game... We have been threaten that if we try to get legal visitation that the ENTIRE family will turn on us. (I am not sure how that is different then what we already are going through.)
He signed the paper... I don't think that even know he realizes he didn't have to.
On the upside, the kids are teens now. so just a few more years and they won't have to look behind their backs to call me mom if they want.

I am getting drunk tonight.

WishUponAChild · July 2014

@rainbowbridge14 You gave me a good perspective!

I was having such a hard time identifying their pattern so I just kept on reaching out.

My mom tells me that I shouldn't be hurt by them, and not let them have my power. Normally she is amazing but today her advice is kind of crappy... "don't feel hurt" seems so much like I'm being too sensitive.

I love you all!

cupcake122 · July 2014

I'm sorry you have such crappy family stuff going on. Honestly, their whole drama seems very high school to me. I don't know your whole If situation, but if this were me, I wouldn't let my SILs immaturity impact me at all. I have a lot more important things going on (like medical issues and IF) that need my attention more than a childish resentment about gender reveal. Don't let this drama get to you.

WishUponAChild · July 2014

@cupcake122 their drama is high school... I have recurring nightmares I am in high school and then I have this moment of liberation when I realized I already graduated and they can kiss my butt.

So you point is well taken. I already graduated and don't have to hang out here!

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Words of wisdom needed (pregnancy and children mentioned not mine)

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