Anyone have doubts?

soon-to-beamrs · July 2014

Sorry to be a downer and please don't judge but I have 2 great kids and am currently pregnant with another. My husband and I went back and forth over whether to have a third child for years. I definitely wanted it more than him and had to talk him into it a bit. Now that I'm pregnant, I'm having serious doubts, mainly about my age (will be 40 when this baby is born) and the age gap (5 and 8 years). I'm hoping it's just hormones but I didn't expect to feel this way and can't imagine bringing a baby into this world feeling like this. Has this happened to anyone? What did you do? My husband says he'll support whatever I choose.

CaraH · July 2014

I'm a little bit younger than you and struggled with infertility, so my situation is totally different. But, I've heard similar confessions from friends. Panic and doubt over having decided to have a(nother) child, anxiety over what it would mean for their life. I think it's a normal reaction to a huge reality and also to the crazy hormones. It sounds like you are considering terminating the pregnancy. Honestly, none of them were and all went on to adore their new baby. I would be really, really, really sure before taking such a drastic step. I see far more potential for regret there than in having the child, honestly. But, in the end, only you and your husband can make the decision. One final comment - there are six years between my sister and me. I think it took a more conscious effort on my mothers part, but we are extremely close despite the age difference. Due to infertility and miscarriage, there will be nearly five years between my daughter and the new baby. I have every confidence it will be fine.

NeonNoon · July 2014

I have doubts @soon-to-beamrs. You're not alone. I'm working through them and find myself becoming happier as I do. I have doubts about whether I'll be able to cope with the sleep deprivation, whether I'll be a good mom, whether I'd be able to handle the lifestyle change etc. Due to my circumstances, I think this is the earliest I could have a baby, and this is as ready as we'll ever be. It still doesn't feel like ready enough. Our insurance situation is a bit dubious (maternity coverage only kicks in end-of-the-year) and we have close to zero local social support since we are new-ish to the city. These factors add to the anxiety on top of the fatigue and hormones the PP spoke of.

What helps me is that when I'm not feeling down, I work through my stressors and try to find solutions. e.g. researching new mom groups to help with the social aspect or journalling to understand what I'm stressed about. It also helps to figure out what works for you for when you are feeling down, so that you are prepared when the hormones do hit e.g. a walk, nap or bath.

I don't think that a 5-8 yr gap is too big, personally. I also don't think 40 is old. Are those things really the sources of your anxiety? Maybe an honest conversation is due with your husband when you're not being driven by emotions?

NicoleWI · July 2014

My brother and I are 4.5 years apart and then there are 8 years between me and my youngest brother, and we are all very close.

If you were on the fence but got this far, and you wanted it more than your DH, then I seriously would suspect hormones are at play with your change of heart. It's very normal to freak out when pregnant with a new baby about upsetting the apple cart at home, but once Baby is born he/she will fit right in. I've freaked out each time (a little; not to your extent) and it's always been fine.

Personally, if you were back and forth and then got pregnant and ended up terminating, I also see tons of potential for major regret.

I will be a couple weeks from 40 when this baby is born. I'd rather have him/her even if it's late than not have him/her at all. Didn't want to let my age hold us back, even if I wish I were younger.

Klavanga74 · July 2014

@soon-to-beamrs‌...I'm walking in your shoes. Willbe 40 when baby is born with a 10 and 12-year-old. I was excited at first, but have had some very rough times since. I haven't considered terminating, but my sister's offered to take the baby, which my husband would never allow, I've considered thoughts of leaving my husband with the baby and taking my two older kids, etc. I'm sure a lot of it was hormones. Some of it is feeling soy alone. As soon as I was honest with a few close friends about how I was feeling and they shared that they had had similar experiences, I started to feel better enough to find a counselor to talk with. I've been once and it wasn't my favorite thing, but she confirmed that I'm not crazy, at least. Msg me if you want to talk at all. While I'm still not 100% thrilled with this whole thing I am doing better and happy to be an ear to listen.

Bigboneded · July 2014

I dont have doubts so much as some worry. I really want these babies, and had a loss last year. But hubby will be 50 next bday, I will be FTM to twins at 42, I dont have any friends or family close, I dont know this city and have a hard time finding/ plugging in to resources. I dont think anyone will throw me a shower, but thanks to these boards- I now know I shouldnt ask :-)
Age gap, not a big deal really, I am the oldest, sis is 4.5 years later and bro is 12 years 5 days behind her. He was the best, most fun kiddo- we are super glad he showed up!
I think you'll be okay- good luck and hope to see more of you here :-)

harmonicbabe26 · July 2014

I'm younger than you (36) but I also had huge doubts and attacks of panic. Still have them daily.

I never considered terminating once we were actually pregnant but getting to the point of TTC was a huge struggle for me. And now that I am expecting I didn't really feel super happy or excited till about a week ago when we had our anatomy scan and found out the sex.

I still feel terrified and overwhelmed about the prospect of having to handle two crazy munchkins. My DD has always been pretty challenging, very spirited etc and I expect no less from this one. Plus MH has a very demanding job and tavels A LOT so it's all mostly on me. On top of that I will be going in for a RCS. Oh and we have no family near where we live and even the far away grandparents won't be able to come help for various reasons. Yeah some days I feel paralyzed with fear.

But MH keeps telling me that we will get through it and I started repeating that in my head and now I'm finally starting to get cautiously excited about having another kid.

loveslife · July 2014

I will be 40 when this baby is born. In the beginning, I was having doubts. I am still having doubts and not sure if I will be able to handle being a mom to a newborn and a very active 2-year old. I also have a very demanding job. It is not easy. I just thought that I would always regret if I did not have this baby.

SoLagMama · July 2014

I have a very demanding business too and wonder how I'm going to do it. But my hubby is staying home and I am so lucky to have him. I felt I would regret not having one too. Lots of worries about how it will change my life but after TTC so long (I'm 39) no doubts.

ktb31 · July 2014

I'm 36 and this is #3 for me also (3 and 6 year olds). I'm not necessarily having doubts but there are days it's so tough, I don't know if I'm coming or going. My 6 year old is going through separation anxiety and hasn't wanted to do any camps or activities without me this summer so his #1 activity is wrestling and play fighting with his brother which leads to real fighting. I'm exhausted and days like today definitely make me wonder what the hell I was thinking having another:) 5 and 8 seem like good age differences...they will be in school and are old enough to help out. I think anyone who already has two and thinks the third will be easy is fooling themselves. But even though it can be tough and there will be obstacles, no matter what your age or the ages of the other children in the family, once that wonderful little person arrives you will be elated. Also, hormones are insane right now. I always have to remind myself whatever I'm feeling is usually 10-fold of how I'd feel normally. I cry regularly while reading the news. Oh and one other thing...my gf swore up and down she was done at 2 and accidently got pregnant, was freaking out, had her 3rd at 40 and now says it isn't easy but she'd never have it any other way.

MsMacual · July 2014

Yes- not so much doubts, but the "what are we thinking" feeling. My dh is in his early 40s and I'm in my late 30s and sometimes I feel like our son is more than we can handle. Our kids will only be 3 years apart and I'm completely terrified to have two kids and a dog (he's 4 mo now). I keep reminding myself that the hardest part with our first was once he was mobile until just after 2. I also keep reminding myself that the chaos that goes with little kids will be a distant memory super quickly and the memories that they'll form with us and each other will be worth it when they are much older. We've tried to be really open and honest with each other about how we are feeling this time around. We are excited, but not in the same way that we were with our first- probably because we know how different life is with kids. And FWIW- my sister just had her second and they are 6 years apart. For the most part, the age different has been helpful b/c the older son is able to play on his own and help with less supervision. She prepared herself to have a baby who could be on the go with them b/c the older son is in baseball and other activities. Hugs- you aren't alone!

Samuelismomma · July 2014

I haven't had doubts but because of 3 losses in a row after ds , I've had weird attachment issues. Starting feel a bond now but first 12 weeks felt like I was waiting for something bad to happen. I also felt if I enjoyed it or talked about the baby I would jinx the pregnancy. I don't feel I can't handle almost 3 yr old and newborn . I will be 42 when this baby is born but due to uncontrolled epilepsy in my 20's I feel younger in my late 30's and 40's then I did then so for me this is my 20's if that makes sense:) I think it is very common to have doubts though! Good luck!

alexesq33 · August 2014

Join Twin Groups!! They are super helpful during and after pregnancy!!

snhbennett · August 2014

I am 37 and DH is 47.With my DH's children and mine we will have a 20, 16, 12, 10yo, and a newborn. Oh, and a 80yo FIL. 20yo is due in October. Her brother/sister will be younger than her first child. We had given up after 2 yrs of TTC. One trip to Mexico later, and here we are.

WeLiveInMaine · August 2014

I will be 37 when this baby is born and my daughter from my first marriage will be 11. I have had a hard time with how big the age gap will be and that I'm going to be actively mothering kids at home for about 30 years instead of the 20ish that most people manage. I never expected to have a kid in high school and one (or more

!) In preschool at 40. Instead of lamenting what I don't have I'm focusing on the good things. I know my daughter won't be closer in age to her sibling (s) but I think they will still have a special kind of connection.
Best of luck to you, I'm sure you will find your way.

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