How much say do your DHs get???

flcl · July 2014

I was just curious in how much say your DHs get in your nursing relationships with your LOs. It's been a little over a week since we've been dealing with the 4-month wakeful in our house and DH has had it. He was willing to give LO a week to "figure things out" but now wants to make all of these changes. I get it, it's tiring for all of us but I thought we would just have to patient and ride this out. DH emailed the Pedi and based on the info she gave, DH wants to break LO of all these bad habits.

-No more co-sleeping (he's in our room but not our bed)

-I can only nurse LO every 3-4 hours, no more nursing on demand

-No more nursing to sleep

-He willing to let me feed LO 1x in the MOTN but wants to work on breaking that by 6 months

DH is insistent that we start it all tonight. I know LO is his baby too and I understand his logic behind these changes so why am I so upset? I'm such an emotional wreck over this and feel that maybe I need to just suck it up and get over it. Thoughts?

Unknown · July 2014

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RingOfFire11 · July 2014

YH needs to suck it up and get over it, not you. The 4m wakeful sucks but isn't permanent. Your pedi doesn't sound very bf'ing friendly either.

MH is very supportive and his "say" is to say it's my decision as I am the one bf'ing, pumping, etc.

I'm sorry YH is being an ass.

nbartlett47 · July 2014

My personal thoughts are that I'd be getting a new pediatrician.

And I would be sitting down with DH and explaining to him that babies are going to be babies. And babies need to eat, and not just every 3-4 hours. And giving the baby a week to "figure it out" is ridiculous. And 4 month old babies don't have "bad habits".

You need his support to continue a good BFing relationship. It sounds to me like your H is very "my way or the highway" and that wouldn't sit well with me.

Good luck, Mama.

Myaflowers · July 2014

No way would I do any of that. Your LO is young and still needs to be fed on demand and may need more than one MOTN feeding. It does get better if can hang in there. I read somewhere that how often a baby needs to eat depends on how much milk the mom's breasts 'hold' at a time. I'll try to find the link for you. My DD always needed to nurse every 3 hours minimum, but sometimes it was every 2 hours.

Sleep gets so much better after they get a little older. I definitely wouldn't try to stop cosleeping in the middle of a sleep regression. I would find a new pedi, and if DH insists on moving LO to his own room, I would move with him. I'm still cosleeping with DD. DH isn't thrilled, but he deals with it.

flcl · July 2014

Thanks so much for all the quick feedback! It helps validate my concerns...

DH and the Pedi's reasoning behind the 3-4 hour stretch is that we can't expect LO to sleep through the night if he's used to eating so frequently. I argued that before the 4-month wakeful, when LO was sleeping 7-8 hrs, he was eating even more frequently. They both think nursing to sleep is creating a poor sleep associations. It's just so frustrating because DH had no issues with how we did things before the 4-month wakeful started. I think I'm going have to have another talk with him about this asap.

Thanks again...

AbbySeiden · July 2014

I sort of have the reverse question. How much say do I get in what my husband does with the baby? I've tried to explain that any time he's with the baby and it's still "night/sleep time" he needs to be quiet and keep the lights off and not talk/play with the LO - and when I try to remind him of this he gets annoyed and says when he's with the baby he gets to decide. He's going to be impossible when it comes to sleep training (and by he I mean my husband, LO is way more cooperative).

Myaflowers · July 2014

Here's the link to the info about breast storage capacity and how it affects the number of feedings LO needs in a day. You can never go wrong with feeding on demand, though. Our pedi gave us the same speech at about 6 months about DD not needing MOTN feedings. I ignored his advice. DD's sleep has gradually gotten better as she gets older. Hang in there! It gets so much better!

https://www.nancymohrbacher.com/blog/2014/1/17/infographic-on-breast-storage-capacity.html

https://breastfeedingusa.org/content/article/magic-number-and-long-term-milk-production

Lena122 · July 2014

DD is 6 months old and still eats on demand. That equates to every 2-3 hours during the day and she's pretty consistently STTN so she'll go 9-11 hours without eating. The more your baby eats during the day the better. Then she won't need as much at night.

We sleep trained at 5 months and that has done wonders for our nursing relationship and our family. I wouldn't have started at 4 months though.

If your DH isn't participating in MOTN wake ups then I really see no reason why he'd get any say.

kjsmith9 · July 2014

DH never got a say in anything nursing related, and he didn't expect to. He does bath time, and prepares a lot of meals now that DD eats solids, and those are his things. Nursing is mine. Expecting a 4 month old to sleep through the night consistently is crazy. Growth spurts are such a big thing in the first year - and nursing is obviously going to increase during those times. I would tell your husband to pick up a book and read. And I'd ignore the pediatrician's advice.

Melody330 · July 2014

My DH is super supportive and doesn't get any "say" in our BF relationship.

He doesn't get up for MOTN feedings so he gets no say in that department.

As far as bed time - he would rather LO didn't nurse to sleep but only because he wants me to be able to go out if I want to (the gym/yoga/dinner with the girls). That being said, he supports my decision to nurse to sleep.

I would also be searching for a new pedi. Your current sounds like a quack.

flcl · July 2014

Thanks for all of the info, advice and background on what you've gone through. DH and I had a long talk and he admitted that he was really focused on trying to get the sleep back on track, he didn't think about how his suggestions would affect my breastfeeding relationship with LO. Good news is that we're back on the same page with attending to LO's needs when he needs them.

As for my pedi, she seemed so progressive with baby issues and in line with our parenting style whenever we meet with her. Then she emails us all of this info that just seems so outdated. Not sure what's up with that.

I really appreciate all of you who posted on here. You helped me put my big emotional mess into words and I felt so supported. You ladies are awesome. Thank you.

LC122 · July 2014

My first reaction to this post:
Husband, meet Couch.

But it sounds like you all have had a better discussion about it.

As for your Pediatrician, I wouldn't write her off just yet. It sounds like she may have been trying to talk your H off the ledge and offered a list of suggestions under duress. I wonder if she meant for you to take them all at the same time. I wouldn't think so.
Some doctors also get caught up in what their patients want to hear and it sounds like your H had some strong ideas about what he thought he wanted.

General advice - make sure you and H keep lines of communication open. Babies can add all sorts of stress and you really need to work as a team to get through it. Your H may have just wanted to say "I need more sleep" and instead it came out as an attack on BF because he thought that was the root of his lack of sleep. It sounds like you all are working it out together though.

TheAnalyticalMommy · July 2014

Umm... None. He knows better than to challenge on me on it!

That said, all feedings, wakings etc. are my responsibility so it doesn't really impact my husband much. The way i see it, BF'ing is my choice so I have to take on the consequences.

I"m lucky that he's supportive but I also recognize that it takes some extra work.

daisykittyy · July 2014

Zero. He has been supportive from the start, thankfully. Our daughter was always waking up to nurse at that age as well. Now that she's eight months old, she nurses and goes to sleep all night.

This too shall pass. Your baby is still pretty tiny and dependent, there's nothing wrong with it!

flcl · July 2014

People have told me before but it's always reassuring to hear that this stage is normal and will pass. Sleep deprivation is terrible! @LC122: you're absolutely right, DH and I can't stop communicating, especially now that we have LO. It's such a strange feeling to have someone so tiny make you so happy and stressed out all at the same time!

opheliainwaders · July 2014

@flcl you also may want to check out the Institute for the Study of Infant Sleep - it's out of the University of Durham (I think) in the UK, and they have a page that collects as much legitimate info as they can find about what constitutes "normal" infant sleep. https://www.isisonline.org.uk/

Also, FWIW, my DD nursed to sleep until about 9/10m, and then just...stopped. She now sleeps 8 hours in a row, wakes once around 4am to eat, and sleeps until 7am. We used some of the No Cry Sleep Solution techniques around 7m or so, but never did any other sleep training. For me, nursing in the middle of the night was CRUCIAL to keeping my supply up. If I'd tried to night-wean her, I would have lost my supply in a heartbeat.

CNYBride05 · July 2014

Sometimes he gets frustrated that he can't do much at night to help, especially when the girls are freaking out and just want boob. And he's mentioned that he would prefer I not nurse them til college

. I'm appalled at your DH and pedi's "rules." Sleep deprivation is a bitch and can bring out the worst in us, but that's part of being a parent. BFd babies often take longer to sttn and usually when they are waking often, there's a reason. And it's not that your kiddo is trying to piss you off or be an asshole - they need comfort, food, warmth, whatever it is that they get from you and nursing.

basil2 · July 2014

Sorry you're going through this.

I wanted to add that if you do decide to do some sleep training, you and DH MUST be in agreement before you start as to the intent and plan. Listening to your baby cry and cry is really really hard - even when you're on board with the plan. Tell him you need to talk it through and have a plan that's acceptable to both of you before any changes are made.

As to the pedi- have you considered scheduling an appointment to all talk about it? That may make it easier for her/you to understand what's going on?

I won't go into depth re the changes DH wants to make- others have touched on it well- but it's certainly way too much to take on at once.

rh10264706 · July 2014

If my H said those things I would stop co-sleeping...with my husband. Then if he's not waking up to nurse the baby it is not really his decision.

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