AW: Frustrated and need to vent

wanderlust508 · July 2014

I had dinner with a friend tonight who I haven't seen in a while. We used to work together. She got married just 3 months ago in April and is a year older than me (she's turning 35 soon). Most of the dinner we were talking about issues she's having right now with her husband. He has a very close female friend who he often goes out of his way to spend a lot of time with and does a lot for. That friend's birthday just passed and my friend's husband planned this whole 2 day thing for her (brunch one day, followed by bowling another day) and he showered her with gifts (which apparently he does very often). This really bothers and hurts my friend and she's tried to express this to her DH so many times. She has told him that he needs to change his relationship with this woman now that they are married. His response has almost always been to tell her that she's being selfish and she can't expect him to change a relationship that's been important to him for so much of his life. This is infuriating for me to hear about - I like her husband as a person but I just can't believe he's so lacking in empathy for how she feels about this! And the cherry on top of this whole situation is that the female friend recently asked my friend's husband if he could be her date(!!!) to a wedding. Maybe it's just me but I think that's really disrespectful! I would be so pissed if any female friend of my DH's asked him to accompany her to a wedding. It's just not appropriate.

So that's just background info for what's really bothering me I guess. The next part of our conversation revolved around TTC. She was venting to me about how "It's so hard." And that it's breaking her heart that in 3 months that they've been trying, they haven't conceived yet. She actually said "3 WHOLE months of actively trying .....and NOTHING!" 2 things crossed my mind as I listened to her: 1) Ummmm ....do you know who you're talking to?! Please forgive me if I don't have much sympathy that in 3 WHOLE months you haven't gotten pregnant yet ...considering all I've been through. and 2) It's none of my business but I'm a little surprised that given the marital issues they're having, that she isn't focusing more on THAT than trying to get pregnant right away. I kind of get it ....she's turning 35 soon and she's struck with the feeling that the clock is running out. But still, I feel like she's dealing with pretty serious issues in her marriage and she's adding TTC on top of it ....not the best idea in my opinion.

After taking quite a bit of time to express to me how hard it's been for her (which I patiently listened to and gave feedback to), she gave me the dreaded sympathetic look and said "So how's it going for you guys with the whole baby thing?" I had told her when I did my first IUI in April (right before her wedding actually) but somehow in that moment I REALLY didn't want to update her on where I am in the journey. I didn't even think about the lie beforehand, it just came out .....I told her that I'm benched this cycle because I got a cyst on Clomid ...and that maybe next cycle I'd resume treatment. That's a lie of course ....I am on IUI #3 and am actually cautiously hopeful for this cycle given that I had 4 mature follicles at the time of trigger. But for some reason in that moment, I didn't want to tell her about it! And I lied. And as soon as I did, I felt GUILTY for lying about it. I guess I don't want to deal with the text or phone call around my beta time (when she would know that I'm finding out). "Sooo ...what's the verdict?!" Or something of that nature. It's hard enough dealing with my own reaction to it if it's not what I'm hoping for ....then having to explain to friends that yet another cycle didn't work. And I also want to have some chance at surprising my loved ones with the BFP if/when it happens.

Anyways ....I just keep thinking about this friend of mine (who don't get me wrong, I love dearly). But I keep thinking "Oh dear God ....please please don't let her get pregnant before me. That will just put me in a really dark place." It's horrible to wish that my friend DOESN'T get the BFP she wants ...but it's my honest reaction. I figured many of you could relate to feeling that way and won't think I'm terrible for thinking this. If she was to get pregnant before me, I would feel like she took something AWAY from me (if that makes sense) ....although I know I shouldn't feel this way. I'm rambling now! Thanks for listening.

masterofallcheese · July 2014

What you're feeling is comepletely understandable. I also had a friend "struggle" for 3 cycles, bemoaning the difficulty of getting pregnant, meanwhile I couldn't get one period during that time! And it's even worse knowing if your friend is successful, her baby is entering an unstable household. It's almost akin to the annoyance I feel when druggies make babies. ((Hugs)), hon.

BethKate2 · July 2014

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I went through something similar with a friend last fall when she had been trying for "three whole months!" I wanted to throat punch her every time she mentioned it. She previously had been a friend I confided in and vented to about TTC stuff, but after that, I avoided those types of conversations with her.

I think we can probably all relate to feeling like you might lose it if someone you know gets KU before you. It's an awful feeling, and no one wants to feel that way, but I think it's all part of this awful ride we're on.

BunnyBerry · July 2014

I'm so sorry. That all sounds really stressful on you.

I'm sorry your 'lie' made you feel guilty. To my mind, though, it was more like a white lie ("oh yes, great haircut!), but to protect your own feelings. It doesn't hurt her in any way to think you are on a break this cycle, and maybe it's a good object lesson if she ever considers Clomid without monitoring, lol. Maybe it's more like telling colleagues you were in the bathroom puking when it was really raging diarrhea and that's why you're going home!

Of course you are right that no woman with IF should ever have to listen to a friend complain for even a moment about not getting pregnant within 3 months of trying.

Perhaps if you end up in this conversation again, you could explain, for a woman over 35, there is just as much chance of getting pregnant any month within the first 6 months so until you hit the 6 month mark it is not infertility and it hurts me for you to choose me as the person you talk to about what is really just impatience. I recommend that if you have 6 unsuccessful months, or if you chart your BBT and have signs that you are not ovulating, then immediately see an RE for testing, and if that happens, I would love to help you through that process. But then I know I wouldn't have the confidence to say something like that myself.

One thing I do want to say is, I don't know that your friend shouldn't be focusing on TTC if she's having this marital problem. Perhaps it really is just a deep friendship that he sees as no different than a guy can't see how it hurts her...a really selfish thing but also perhaps complicated. Probably an RE would recommend that she start TTC immediately, so unless the relationship is abusive and unhealthy for children...it makes sense she is trying. (Sorry it's something I feel for because my mom has a habit of saying, well maybe that's why God hasn't allowed you to get pregnant until YH starts acting more like a father, any time my husband is acting like an a**hat.)

Of course, you deserve to get pregnant first. I hope it happens very soon! Your 4 follies sounds awesome.

catlover790 · July 2014

I also had a friend complain about it not happening after 2 months! Then when she did get pregnant on month 3 she told me she just stopped charting and it worked!!1!omg! I (like you) listened but it was hard to listen to.

I don't think you should feel bad about not telling her about your treatments. We haven't told anyone we're even ttc because we also want to be able to (hopefully) surprise them. I think when dealing with the difficulty of IF your feelings need to come first!

I think not wanting someone to get a bfp before you is also a normal feeling. I hope this cycle works for you! I'm sorry meeting up with your friend wasn't as fun as it should've been for you!

KT416 · July 2014

I'm sorry about how insensitive your friend was and you shouldn't feel guilty about the little fib you told.

So, um, can we gossip for a second? What's going on with hubby and the best friend? I have friends of the opposite sex that are close but would never plan a weekday away for eachother when one is married, and the go to a wedding with eachother. I find it so weird, do you know the female friend?

wanderlust508 · July 2014

Thanks for the support ladies, it really helps me to take a deep breath and calm down about the whole evening. I actually had a good time with her otherwise! She's one of my closest friends but I think where I struggle with her is that she doesn't GET IT (as many people don't) when it comes to IF.

@masterofallcheese - Thanks! It's comforting to know that other women have been in the same situation with a friend. I feel bad for implying that their baby would be entering an "unstable" household because I really don't think that at all. They would both love their child so much and be great parents, I'm sure. But I personally would work on the relationship issues FIRST before starting the TTC process if I was her. I know that that is kinda just me imposing my opinion on the way I think she should live her life though.

@BethKate2 - I wanted to TP her too! And this is a person I absolutely love - but still! Haha. And just like you, I also now feel like I don't really want to share details of my treatment cycles with her anymore. Not because I don't think she cares - but more because I don't think she understands given where she is in her journey. It's just frustrating because even though she's freaking out about "3 whole months" for herself, she will try to reassure me by saying the cliche "It will happen, just enjoy the process." or "Even if it doesn't, there are other ways of having a family too." Ugh - yeah, how about you take your own advice??

@BunnyBerry - Thank you! I feel better now about having told the lie. Like you said, it doesn't hurt her to think that I'm on a break cycle. And you're absolutely right that my friend's marital situation shouldn't necessarily stop her from TTC. Her husband is definitely not abusive towards her in any way. I guess I'm just a big believer in the idea that 2 people should settle into their marriage together for (at least) a few months before adding TTC on top of it. I guess another factor that makes me nervous about them is that 2 months before their wedding he got "cold feet" and told her that he wasn't sure if they should go through with the wedding. He said he was starting to think that they had so many differences that might cause them to struggle in the long run. My friend was a devastated wreck for over a month, not knowing if she was marrying this guy or potentially breaking off an engagement. In the end, they talked things out and got married. But my judgemental side is like "Seriously, you guys are going through all the growing pains of being married and you want to add a baby to that?!" But I'm more aware now that this is MY issue and that it's really easy to pass judgement on another person's situation. I actually did act as a supportive friend to her though in spite of how I was feeling. I told her that since she was turning 35 soon, she could request to see an RE after a total of 6 months of trying (where as I had to wait a full year). So I think she appreciated me telling her that (she was under the impression that she'd have to wait a year).

@catlover790 - I know, my friend and I discussed charting too! She said that right now she didn't want to chart because it was "too much work" and she thought it took away the element of fun and guessing when she's ovulating. It was hard to hear her talk about what a "hassle" it was to chart .....compared to the "hassle" of IF treatments! She said that by next month if they haven't conceived, then she will start charting.

wanderlust508 · July 2014

@KT416 - LOL, I was cracking up at your gossip comment!

I actually did meet this friend at their wedding. She seemed OK but I was biased against her based on my friend's experiences with her. Before they got married, these things didn't bother my friend as much. But now that theyre married, she (understandably) wants him to spend less time (and do less for) this woman. He seems like he's conceding to this begrudgingly. Like "OK, if it bothers you that much I won't do as much for her on her birthdays and for Christmas anymore." The wedding thing really got me indignant on my friend's behalf. And since I'm friends with the husband AND his best friend on FB, I often see messages back and forth between them. Like she will write on his wall "Hey, I heard you were in my neighborhood today! I haven't seen my best friend in weeks, why didn't you call me?!" And he responds "Sorry BFF! Let's plan something soon. Love you!" She responds "Love you too!!" Blech! I find it sickening to read. I don't think he's cheating on my friend, but I find it so insensitive that he doesn't try to understand how much this bothers her. It would bother me a lot too!

shirleymaeby · July 2014

I totally understand your not wanting her to get pregnant first. Sometimes it feels like a race to a finish line. If she gets there first that means I lose. So bizarre given that her fertility has nothing to with mine, but it still feels that way. Sometimes it almost feels like there's a finite number of babies to be had and every time someone else has one that's one less possible for me. Which again makes no sense, but that's still how it feels at times.

Gossipy Stuff: Even if he doesn't have any romantic feelings about this other woman, she might have them for him and he could be encouraging her without realizing it. Do you know if they ever dated when they were younger?

wanderlust508 · July 2014

kmdecoux said:

I totally understand your not wanting her to get pregnant first. Sometimes it feels like a race to a finish line. If she gets there first that means I lose. So bizarre given that her fertility has nothing to with mine, but it still feels that way. Sometimes it almost feels like there's a finite number of babies to be had and every time someone else has one that's one less possible for me. Which again makes no sense, but that's still how it feels at times.

Gossipy Stuff: Even if he doesn't have any romantic feelings about this other woman, she might have them for him and he could be encouraging her without realizing it. Do you know if they ever dated when they were younger?

I love the way you put it @kmdecoux! It definitely feels like a race as much as I don't want it to be one. And I never thought of it that way but you're right ...sometimes it does feel like there are a finite # of babies and that any pregnancy announcement I hear about diminishes MY chances somehow.

He didn't date her when they were younger but he had admitted to my friend that early in their friendship he had feelings for her. Apparently she didn't reciprocate them. But he insists that ever since then they have been nothing but good friends. He says that several times they've been single at the same time and it's never come up for them to date. But even still there are so many things that bother me about his relationship with that girl! For example, when he was planning her birthday events (brunch and bowling), he didn't include my friend. When she inquired about it, then he was like "Oh yeah, this is the plan. This is what we are doing." And my friend was texting the other woman trying to initiate a friendship ...."Hey, what are we doing for your birthday?" I admire how much she tries to be friends with the female friend ....I would have a hard time with that! But my friend said that no matter how much she tries to be friends with the woman, she never feels included. Anytime her DH makes plans with that woman, my friend feels like she's imposing on THEIR plan by asking to join them. Which I think is really sad!

shirleymaeby · July 2014

Yeah, that whole situation is pretty weak on his part. I had two very close guy friends when DH and I met. Two guys who had been there for me through some really rough stuff and who meant a lot to me. But DH has never been comfortable with them so I stepped away a little. We are still friends and I still talk to them. But I don't go overboard planning stuff for their birthdays and I definitely don't tell them I love them on FB (so, so weird).

***BFP Mentioned, Not mine***

There's a girl on my team at work who has been dealing with MFI for the last year and we've been each other's support. She just announced her BFP on Thursday. I felt like I lost the race. I felt like it wasn't fair that she got it in a year and it has taken me 4 years. And even though I have a lot of hope for this cycle, as soon as she told me I started thinking there was no way it was going to happen for me and I'd have to sit by and watch her get bigger and bigger every month. It's not like I just work with her...she sits right by me. We have meetings together all the time. And now I have to listen to everyone ask her about her pregnancy all the time. And it makes me feel sick inside because a.) I don't want to hear about it but I can't be an asshole and say so, and b.) I feel like a shit for being upset about it in the first place.

wanderlust508 · July 2014

Aww. Hugs @kmdecoux! I also have a close friend (who I currently work with) who got pregnant after 1 MONTH of trying!! And she usually sits right next to me at work too. It's hard. People gush about how she is "All belly." (She's 23 weeks) And how she looks amazing and not gaining weight anywhere else. Seriously she does look great! I feel like I look more pregnant than she does on some days (with how bloated all these meds and the fibroids make me feel) ....but maybe that's just my imagination

I don't think you should feel bad at all for feeling the way you do towards your team member, obviously. These feelings of guilt come up unfortunately, even when we know rationally that our reaction to things is totally natural and human.

And the way you handled things with your male friends is exactly what I think people SHOULD do in their relationships to make their spouse feel more comfortable! I wish my friend's husband would do the same so she doesn't have to feel hurt by it over and over again.

juneroses · July 2014

The "friend" thing is just weird. I think the female friend got very used to having all the 'husband' perks, without actually needing to marry this guy. And if they are excluding your friend, then I would read this as her basically testing the waters to make sure she is still 'first'. Not cool, on so many levels. But then, I am a bit possessive so maybe I'm reading too much into it. I completely understand the feeling that she would be potentially taking 'your' baby. I nearly lost it when I heard my cousin's Married (not to him!) girlfriend & he were pregnant. I'm so sorry your friend wasn't more sensitive. I don't think you should feel guilty at all for not wanting to talk about your beautiful follies - you did what helped you through the conversation, and it is always your decision how much you want to share/not share about your journey. If you get your wonderful news this month, you can always say you told the white lie because you didn't want to jinx it. And if you are feeling really generous, help your friend commiserate about how that 4th month is a bear.

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