Rude or am I overly sensitive?

tlyon0802 · July 2014

I am a hairstylist, so I see a lot of people everyday. This is baby #2. #1 just turned 2. After I tell everyone the news a lot of them asked if this pregnancy was planned. I just find this so bold and feel like it's no one's business! It was, but if it wasn't I would think it could make the expectant mother feel uncomfortable or bad! Ok rant over!

tripletoe · July 2014

I think that's rude, the only time that it would be OK to ask this is if it a close friend that you would feel comfortable being candid around. I don't think you're too sensitive.

GromMom · July 2014

Rude. People asked me the same thing with my first, some people have no class

kmcorter · July 2014

People are asking me that a lot actually. I agree, very rude. This baby was planned but it's none of their business either way.

MLC1990 · July 2014

I get asked that by every single person that we tell. Almost literally. It's ridiculous.

Like does if matter ??!

Curbs12 · July 2014

https://blogs.babycenter.com/mom_stories/0102201420-comebacks-for-the-pregnancy-question-was-it-planned/.

This. I agree it is so rude for someone to ask.

Maebb · July 2014

Rude. People ask me too. I just got a promotion at work, so maybe they're trying to figure out whether I'm more focused on my career or my family. This was 100% planned (and I had a loss in December, also a planned pregnancy). The questions are rude and none of their business.

ETA: I just found these comebacks, and they're pretty funny:

https://www.pregnantchicken.com/pregnant-chicken-blog/2011/1/16/clever-pregnancy-comebacks-part-two.html

To the question of, "was it an accident," the best ones are:

- Were you?
- Why do you ask?
- Yes, I tripped and fell on a dick.

I usually am just honest that it was planned, we're very excited, and I'm sure it will be tough, but DH is a great partner, and it will be awesome.

bustysinclare · July 2014

I think that in some cases it's rude. In some its ok - Personally, I'd ask one of my friends if the baby was a surprise and most of the women I know think their hairstylist is their friend - even if you aren't overly close. If baby # 1 is 2 already though - that's a good distance apart I'd say though - that's no reason for people to ask. I had hoped mine would be two years apart but I miscarried and had trouble getting prego again

Samiantha101 · July 2014

I don't care what the circumstances are, it's rude to ask this question.

I was flabbergasted by how many people asked me this the first go-around. I haven't told many people yet that I am pregnant, but when I do, if anybody asks me this, I'll be sure to let them know just how exactly rude the question is.

Josie400 · July 2014

There's certain things that I just plain wasn't expecting with pregnancy, and that question is in the top 3. This is my first, and I'd say 85+% of people have asked me that when I've announced to them. It really threw me off because it's never crossed my mind to ask someone that, let alone it be the first question asked. It seems like it's normal for people to think it's ok to ask which is sad and very tactless.

Megs528812 · July 2014

Rude. People are weird.

Pips09 · July 2014

Definitely rude. But it does seem like everyone asks that. Whey do people think it's their business?

kayham12 · July 2014

We have also been asked this question and it caught me off guard the first time um.. Yes? Like PP said why does it matter? It's not like we are going to give it back? Same thing with finding out the sex, why does it matter?

LadyXaverian · July 2014

I think it's rude most of the time. Mostly, it's just an awkward question. I mean, does it matter either way (whether it was planned or not)??

I think a simple, "Why do you ask?" would be enough to end the conversation with most people if you don't want to answer them.

When people ask me, my joke has been, "Yes, we figured it was now or never since we're getting so old!" which has also been awkward for most of the people who have asked.

Jellybean707 · July 2014

I've been asked if this baby was planned 15+ times since I've started telling people I'm pregnant. I personally think it's a rude question that I would never ask. However, based on how many times I've been asked I wonder if maybe it's socially "normal" to ask.

LadyXaverian · July 2014

Jellybean707 said:

I've been asked if this baby was planned 15+ times since I've started telling people I'm pregnant. I personally think it's a rude question that I would never ask. However, based on how many times I've been asked I wonder if maybe it's socially "normal" to ask.

I think you're right-- as are a million other rude, insensitive, and side-eye worthy things during pregnancy. Most people don't realize how rude it all is until they're on the receiving end. I know it definitely changed how I treat pregnant people since I had DD. I was never THAT person, but I'm sure I said/asked a few insensitive things. Now, I only compliment pregnant women on how they look, and the only questions I ask (which I know can still be annoying but are at least not rude) are 1. When are you due? (once they've told me they're pregnant) 2. Do you know/will you find out if it is a boy or girl? 3. Do you have a name picked out/are you sharing?

Ceh777 · July 2014

Of the people who know that I'm pregnant, a few have asked that question. But that's probably because I have been fairly vocal about being "one and done" after having my DD almost 5 years ago. However, we had a surprise pregnancy in December, which ended in a MMC, and we realized we were so devastated that we actually did want another child.

Beauxbaton · July 2014

I hate the "were you trying" question. To me it'd like asking if you're screwing. And you wouldn't ask nonpregnant people that. Like someone said in a previous thread, being pregnant apparently makes you public property.

kbeers18 · July 2014

People are so nosy!!!

longcat07 · July 2014

i think it's an inappropriate question to ask under most (if not all) circumstances. when i had my loss before getting pregnant with this one, my mom and sister, AND SO's parents both asked that question when we told them about it. it was very upsetting to me. all i could think was, why would that matter? clearly we're devastated by the loss. i don't think you're being sensitive, getting that question from people who are somewhere between strangers and acquaintances.

CanukMam · July 2014

Guess this is a UO but I don't find it rude. If it wasn't planned and you are sensitive then you can just say it was...

I find only pregnant people really over analyze these things and those not living it find it hard to put themselves in yours shoes to image how annoying some of this stuff can be. It can't be rude if the person saying it can't reasonablely be expected to anticipate the comment to be rude.

SebsMum · July 2014

I was asked by my boss when I announced, but as I knew of at least 2 more pregnancies at that work place that were not planned, I figured she was just curious. I didn't mind, but I have been fairly laid back about a lot of the rude comments, ie "You're so big!" ("Yeah I am, I'm pregnant!") That being said, I'm sure a totally innocent comment will send me over the edge one day. :P

SpaceGirlSpiff · July 2014

I mean, when you think about it the question is rude technically because who's business is it besides the actual couple expecting the child? I mean that's toeing pretty close to the line of straight up asking about someone's sex life

However I think it's become one of those generic questions that people just kind of throw out there when they hear news like this, not asked with any negative intent .... Some people dont always know the best way to respond and can quickly turn socially awkward when told sensitive news in general, and unfortunately I think this question has caught on as one of the many generic responses .... I personally try not to let this or other ignorant or awkward responses get to me ... I just write it off as making them look silly, not me.

Sometimes I'll try to throw a smart assed but funny response back to kind of.. Divert from the awkwardness. But it's not with ruining my day over

BookitBoo · July 2014

I think it's terribly rude, and I've always thought that (even when I wasn't pregnant). I honestly don't know anyone who would assume it isn't rude.

Mostly because 1. What business is it of theirs? And 2. What does it matter?

I don't go around asking non-pregnant people how often they have sex with their SO, or if they use birth control. It's along the same lines to me.

idontevenknow · July 2014

For me, this pregnancy was more of an "if it happens, it happens", but it wasn't planned out. I have been asked 2x's if it was planned and I wasn't offended either time. Maybe the fact that the answer is technically "no" leads to me not really caring that I have been asked. I could see how it may be offensive if the pregnancy had been planned and I was married. I do agree with @SpaceGirlSpiff‌ that it has become a generic question upon hearing such news.

Samiantha101 · July 2014

CanukMam said:
Guess this is a UO but I don't find it rude. If it wasn't planned and you are sensitive then you can just say it was...

I find only pregnant people really over analyze these things and those not living it find it hard to put themselves in yours shoes to image how annoying some of this stuff can be. It can't be rude if the person saying it can't reasonablely be expected to anticipate the comment to be rude.

My pregnancy was planned, and I don't feel comfortable answering this question. It's not just rude to those who were not intentionally trying to get pregnant.

If anybody is to ask this time around, I am simply going to respond it's none of their concern.

mommy5point0 · July 2014

You're not overly sensitive. That is incredibly rude, also horribly common.

I would answer a question with a question and say, "Why would you ask that?" with a straight face.

That's my plan. Usually people realize when they keep talking they will dig themselves deeper... Usually.

Stargirlb · July 2014

I get this a lot. I tend to answer things like "totally unplanned, DH got trigger happy" or "unplanned, but we are leaning towards going through with the pregnancy."

Stargirlb · July 2014

And when they ask what we are hoping to have I say "a baby." Or when they ask if DH is excited, I say something like "yes, there is a good chance he is the father!"

Shariecec · July 2014

I'm also a stylist. It is nosy of them , but I think it's because they feel like a part of your family (especially the regulars). I understand how annoying it can be for the question to be raised. It feels like judgement depending on the persons tone. I don't even like doctors to ask me if it was planned. It could be worse though. They could be asking, "So when is the wedding."

reyrey2014 · July 2014

I don't think the question is rude, it just shows that people are curious. Claiming that it is always rude to ask if pregnancy was planned assumes that everyone asking the question has bad intentions or is mean spirited. I don't agree with the logic to respond rudely to someone that asks the question. Our Dr asked my husband and I the question at our first prenatal appointment, we weren't offended, we answered the question honestly. The answer a person gives exposes how they feel about the pregnancy, which is helpful for a Dr and close friends to know to provide the right type of moral support.

lliivvyy · July 2014

I'm pregant with my first. Age 25 and at 11+5.... Each time anyone has found out I'm expecting they say 'oh was it planned?' Actually no it wasn't but me and my other half are still delighted. They look at me rather puzzled and it does make me wonder what's going through their head.

letsgox · July 2014

My very best friend asked me this when I was pg with DD. I hadn't made a big deal about us trying so she was caught off guard. With this one, I was pretty vocal about wanting another within my group of friends. I haven't had anyone else ask me, though. Apparently H's friends have asked the same thing about both pregnancies which I find interesting.

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